RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/17/2012 8:33:25 AM

lizi

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DLE, I didn't have a knee jerk negative reaction to this OP and I think I get where you were going with it. At the heart of things here I think the wondering if BDSM could help alleviate or eliminate DV came out of concern for your friends/family that you've seen mired in the negative cycle you mentioned. Who doesn't want to see people improve themselves or conquer something detrimental to themselves, and move onto something else that makes them happier. I think you're thinking why not incorporate the elements that seem to make the abuser/abused happy without the hurt and drama. Why not address the adverse cycle that never goes anywhere and always seems to come back to despair. Take something unmanageable and turn it into something manageable with perimeters.

I don't think you can change these two things into each other. It's like taming a feral animal; the feral becomes more domesticated, but retains it's roots and motivations from when it was wild. It may become accustomed to handouts and petting, but you know it's thinking patterns and reasoning haven't changed too much. You can usually change things up to a certain point, but people are still who they are and they will continue to act on getting their needs met. You can teach them a different road to meet those needs but I'm not sure they'd take it as it might not be the same thing to them.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/18/2012 8:04:05 AM

DommesLesEnigma

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomMeinCT

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommesLesEnigma

Thanks for pointing out that again as I said I made a brain fart when I posted and got mf'd for the error, Which bring me to another idea for a different post.

Just trying to get information on it and seeing what comes out of the post question.
I do admit that I have really no experience with DV but what I see because I steer clear of it, and really no understanding of the premise behind it....

...and what I am getting is what I see is a resounding no for various different reasons.

See my next point as I stir the pot some more.

DLE

That's a loaded phrase that can often indicate a desire or willingness to deliberately cause conflict instead of generate "conversation".
Was that your intention with this thread (and the other you started), or were they truly created to ask questions? I'm curious.

No not at all.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/18/2012 8:56:56 AM

kalikshama

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Lol, there were two questions - to which one did you reply "No, not at all?"

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/18/2012 12:12:06 PM

ResidentSadist

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Many have eloquently painted a picture that separates anything found in BDSM from DV.

However, I would like to point out that ANY constructive relationship tool that inspires communication and personal growth would help resolve DV. So the answer is yes, some aspect of BDSM style relationships could help DV... so would therapy or reading any good self help book.

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I give good thread.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/18/2012 1:53:54 PM

DommesLesEnigma

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I respect every piece of advice in the respect or lack of it was given. I needed some insight into some things...sometimes you got to be silent in order to take things in and understand them.

There have been some very well thought out comments. Lizi's comment in particular referring to "It's like taming a feral animal; the feral becomes more domesticated, but retains it's roots and motivations from when it was wild." another poster made the comment of "He told me he would kill me, I believed him and I left." another comment "Consensual BDSM has nothing to do with ny of that. While sometimes there is an element of control in a domestic violence relationship, that control is based on uhealthy insecurity, paranoia towards the other partner, distrust of what the partner says, and domineering behavior. None of those things have anything to do with control inn BDSM."

Haven't you ever been caught in a situation where you ran out of things to say to someone. To get them out of a situation. But they throw things at you because they think they know everything. So yes I have a more personal reason for the topic I posted and the advice given gives me somewhat of a direction to go on. I will use what I can an leave the rest where it lay.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/18/2012 7:31:28 PM

Killerangel

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I commend you for coming back and adding to your thread, it's always nice when we get posters who do that, and it's especially nice when it's a thread that's been a bit rough on the one who posted it. Good on you DLE.

I can see why this came out of your life experiences and where you wanted to go with it, I'm sorry you're in the position of caring for those who are struggling. I understand that you'd want to give them something. That type of thing is never easy to deal with and it stinks to stand by and watch. I hope you find more peace with your difficult situation.
I honestly hope we see you around on the boards more.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/20/2012 1:16:54 AM

DommesLesEnigma

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Thank you Killerangel I should have just stated plainly from the beginning. That is my own fault. Might have even got better advice. One thing about the post going the way it did is...now it is not so Raw within myself. By being sent through the ringer I took a better look at the situation. Now I have a plan in mind and a direction to go in. Before I thought it was hopeless and resolved to...all I could do was stand by and hope nothing truly bad happened. Because the information she is getting from that thing she is involved with is truly misleading and only an excuse for an abuser to abuse.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/21/2012 3:58:31 PM

myfaceisyourseat

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If people were more open about who they were,that could help any relationship.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/21/2012 5:52:19 PM

DommesLesEnigma

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DommesLesEnigma

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomMeinCT

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommesLesEnigma

Thanks for pointing out that again as I said I made a brain fart when I posted and got mf'd for the error, Which bring me to another idea for a different post.

Just trying to get information on it and seeing what comes out of the post question.
I do admit that I have really no experience with DV but what I see because I steer clear of it, and really no understanding of the premise behind it....

...and what I am getting is what I see is a resounding no for various different reasons.

See my next point as I stir the pot some more.

DLE

That's a loaded phrase that can often indicate a desire or willingness to deliberately cause conflict instead of generate "conversation".
Was that your intention with this thread (and the other you started), or were they truly created to ask questions? I'm curious.

No not at all.

I think that I should clarify what I was saying to the quote above. As kalikshama says in the quote below it does seem like I did not answer both question. I made a post to explain the second question I thought fully.

quote:

kalikshama
Lol, there were two questions - to which one did you reply "No, not at all?"

1. Was it my intention to cause conflict instead of generate "conversation".
Was that my intention with this thread (and the other I started)? No, not at all

2. Or were they truly created to ask questions? For the second thread I started yes.

For this one it was as I stated in a later post in this thread. I had a more personal reason and the advice given gives me somewhat of a direction to go on. Because I want to help someone close to me.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/22/2012 9:53:12 PM

iamenigma

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I realize that I am joining the party a little late here but I'd like to toss in some perspective that I feel hasn't been addressed.

There is a lot of talk about DV and BDSM as being separate. As if somehow the two exist in a vacuum. It seems that no one has considered that it is possible to be in a BDSM relationship that starts out consensual and ends in abuse, for any number of reasons.

DV is about control, as is BDSM. The difference is care and consent. In my case, my dominant let his addictions take hold of him, lost control of himself and refused to acknowledge that there was any problem at all. At that point, the trust we had was broken as I could no longer trust him to inflict pain in a safe and sane way.

I stayed for a long time in spite of the warning signs because I saw the potential in him and believed him when he told me he was addressing the issue; in spite of the fact that there was no real evidence that the issues were being addressed.

In the end, he took what he wanted. In the end, what was once consensual became abuse. Two days later, he had already moved on to someone else who didn't have the history with him to recognize the lies and deception.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/25/2012 6:42:33 AM

Firebirdseeking

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OP, you may as well say that war could cure domestic violence, because war gives people permission to act in ways that they would not in times of peace. An abuser is an abuser. He will not control his anger no matter what setting he is in; he would not respect a safe word, he, as others have said, would not be about connecting. He would always be about abuse of power and control, and he would be using his hands in abusive ways. Moreover, domestic violence is also about emotional, mental and often sexual abuse. I dont see anyone being safe in a relationship with an abuser, and also the same holds true in scening with an abuser.

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RE: Could BDSM D/s cure Domestic Violence - 2/25/2012 12:07:13 PM

Casteele

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FR

A lot of good (and some not so good :-P) posts here. Personally, I'd very much like to see the topic discussed deeper, not so much in the original context, but better understanding between the two. One thing I've wondered a lot when reading some of the posts is what is the posters frame of reference on the topic? How do they define DV? Like BDSM, there appears there is no unilateral consensus on precisely what the term covers and doesn't cover. For example, I've seen a lot of comments which seem to only cover physical abuse, but not so many that consider psychological abuse. Even for me, the term "Domestic Violence" tends to conjure up thoughts of someone physically beating those in their homes. I consider "You're fat and worthless" to be in the same bracket as lashing out and breaking their nose, yet, I have a hard time including such a scenario under the DV term. It would be easier if I were to call it Domestic Abuse instead. What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

Regarding BDSM vs DV, I have little to add to what others have said. The underlying dynamics and motivations for both, as well as how they are presented and enacted, are entirely different. Before I learned what BDSM was, it shocked me to even think that someone might *enjoy* being spanked, much less desire it or beg for it. As a child, I feared spankings because my father put me in the hospital twice with "spankings", although now I call them "beatings." To this day, I cannot spank another, not even if I know they would enjoy it and it were done in a positive way. The psychological imprint is just too strong in me to overcome. I understand the dynamics, I understand that it's not the same, that some would enjoy it. I even somewhat enjoy the thought putting someone over my knee and giving them a nice blushing red ass in which to display and discuss over coffee with like-minded people. But when it comes down the physical act, so far, I've simply not been able to do it.

The same goes with me towards bondage. I think bondage is just lovely. I find there is an innate beauty in seeing someone expertly bound. From what I gather from talking to those who enjoy being bound, being so helpless actually helps set them free--free from their own need to have total control by knowing that they are completely helpless and powerless to do anything but let go and just enjoy. Yet again, having been bound with duct tape and left in a dark basement as "punishment" from my father, there are childhood issues I have yet to overcome when it comes to the topic.

On the other hand, BDSM has taught me a lot about these same issues, and given me a much better understanding of them, both good and bad. In some ways, it has indeed been of assistance in "curing" (more learning to cope and let go than "curing") these and other childhood issues, so in a way, I think I can understand some of the thought processes and ideas that the OP was putting forth and asking about. I think, at best, BDSM can certainly help others to better identify the difference between what is good and healthy and what is not, so they can better understand the situation and how to deal with it. But no, I do not think it will ever be or should be a "cure" for DV, as DV can even exist within a BDSM-based relationship, as many of you here can probably attest to.

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