Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: When is it appropriate to message back?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: When is it appropriate to message back? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 8:16:24 AM   
MDomCouple


Posts: 90
Joined: 2/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: MDomCouple
But, for each one of those, I have found that there is another out there who will take a polite rejection quite well, and for whom being ignored is painful.


I have never gotten a polite response to rejection. So your experience and mine are very different.

What I have gotten after rejecting someone are numerous emails filled with vitriol, the nicest of which was 'your (sic) too fat to fuck' and the worst of which was a detailed account of how he proposed to kill me. The creepiest was a guy who sent email after email, all delusion based.

I have never gotten any of that when I haven't responded.

The other thing that men miss is that women have to listen to their instincts very carefully in this world to avoid rape. If I politely reject some guy in a bar who sends me over a drink, I will have him hassle me all night long. If I tell the bartender to please get rid of him for me, that won't happen and then I don't have to worry about being jumped after I leave.

These instincts, The Gift of Fear is a book that covers this, don't disappear just because we're online. The same guy who commits rape in the real world becomes an online stalker. They don't deserve politeness just because we're online.



I can understand that. As I said, I don't know the experiences of women, as my experiences are only that of a gay man. Perhaps, and this is just my take on the matter, the difference comes from the different social experiences straight and gay men have in terms of sex and dating. In my experience, gay men are often pushed aside in society, rejected on spec by large amounts of the world. As a result, many of us become socially conditioned to expect rejection in one way or another. Therefore, being rejected by a potential romantic or sexual partner becomes almost expected, par for the course. It is almost as if we go in to romantic and sexual situations with the expectation that we won't be wanted, so therefore being politely turned down on our advances doesn't trigger anger as much. On the flip side of this, however, I have seen multiple gay men get extremely excited and feel very surprised when their advances are accepted and reciprocated. The amount of times I have had a man say to me "I didn't expect you to be interested" is mind boggling.

Straight men, on the other hand, have their sexuality reinforced by society daily. Movies, tv shows, magazines, advertisements, etc...all work to reinforce heterosexuality, and thus a straight man's view that he is the "Alpha Male" in the world (perhaps, even, when that "Alpha Male" is a sub.) When rejected, this comes as a surprise, since society has pushed in to their minds since birth that their desire for a woman is socially normal, expected, and should be accepted upon request. I call it "Stud Syndrome," since society has used that moniker to describe romantically and sexually successful straight men for years. So, when a woman denies that man the opportunity to increase his stud factor, I think many instinctively reply with anger.

Think about how entertainment has often portrayed these situations. In a movie, boy meets girl. Girl rejects boy. Boy gets drunk with his friends who constantly spout "she doesn't deserve you...she's a fat bitch...it's her fault" over and over again. Society makes rejection of a heterosexual male the fault, or even the problem of the woman who rejected him.

Now, this doesn't apply to all gay men, or all straight men, by any means. It is just, again, my opinion based on my own observations.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 8:30:04 AM   
Just0Plain0Mike


Posts: 127
Joined: 6/16/2010
Status: offline 		I have no problem getting a polite, Thanks but no thanks. I much prefer that to getting nothing at all, or even better, Deleted Unread.

My biggest complaint about CM and other dating sites is the odd attitude that seems to pervade them. One liners won't be responded to. Canned messages will be ignored. Ok, that makes sense, or at least it seems to at first glance. So you take the time to really read a profile and then spend more time writing a polite, message tailored directly to that person. Then you watch it get ignored, deleted unread, or read with no response. If you get something back, even if it's a No Thanks, it doesn't feel like you're completely wasting your time.

Anyway, that's my opinion,
Mike S.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 8:37:11 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I'm another one that has gotten belligerent responses or a series of demands to a polite "No thank you". Pretty much at this point it's a no response attitude. If guys have an issue with not getting a response, they can feel free to lecture the other members of their sex.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Just0Plain0Mike)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 8:55:56 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Previously, there was a "canned" list of "instant replies" to do just that.



(in reply to ladynlord)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 8:57:12 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Trying again to show the canned message buttons.

Bah, anyway, there ARE canned replies - when I was looking and got more messages, I often used Good Luck or Too Far if someone had written a message good enough to deserve SOME response but not good enough for a custom response.

I deleted "How r u" messages unread.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 2/17/2012 9:00:27 AM >

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 9:09:12 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		I have never gotten angry at rejection but there have been a couple of times where the inter-action goes something like this:

Me: "I wanted to drop you a note and tell you that I found your journal entry from 01 MAY 09 very evocative. It spoke to me and, as a writer, I wanted you to know that your message had reached at least one person."

Her: "I'm not into poly and I don't share"

Me: "Well, thank you for taking the time to read my profile and giving me your view on my lifestyle but, what has it got to do with your journal entry about little kittens?"

Her: "I just get sick and tired of poly people hitting on me"

Me: "Honey, when you assume that everyone is hitting on you, it shows immaturity at best and inability to read a simple message, at worst."

Yes. I have absolutely done that (and will continue to do so). Rude? Maybe. Instructional? Hopefully. Vengeful? You bet your sweet ass!



Peace and comfort,



Michael

ETA: I think the pre-formatted messages are only on un-answered e-mails. Once you respond, they fail to appear.

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 2/17/2012 9:10:17 AM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 9:27:45 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Just0Plain0Mike

I have no problem getting a polite, Thanks but no thanks. I much prefer that to getting nothing at all, or even better, Deleted Unread.

My biggest complaint about CM and other dating sites is the odd attitude that seems to pervade them. One liners won't be responded to. Canned messages will be ignored. Ok, that makes sense, or at least it seems to at first glance. So you take the time to really read a profile and then spend more time writing a polite, message tailored directly to that person. Then you watch it get ignored, deleted unread, or read with no response. If you get something back, even if it's a No Thanks, it doesn't feel like you're completely wasting your time.

Anyway, that's my opinion,
Mike S.


This is something I see come up on here often, there hasn't been a big thread on it lately. I have a few minutes and I'll give it a shot.

I can see where it would be frustrating to write something original and not get a response, but why the attitude that just because you decided to write something to a stranger it deserves a response from her? I swear I am not being snotty, I'm asking you (Just0Plain0Mike and whoever else is interested) politely to walk through this with me and feel free to ignore my request as I'm a complete stranger responding to a post

-So by the reasoning in the quoted post above, if I were in the market for a car and I went to a car lot it would be ok for every salesperson there to come up to me with their polite, tailored, messages to me concerning a particular car for sale. Even if there were 100 salespeople I would need to listen to all of them in order to be polite. Whew, I expected there to be about 10 salespeople, 100 is much more than I bargained for and I didn't allocate enough time for this but still...I have to be polite so I'll listen to all of them.
Women on CM get tons of mail.

-What if 70 of those cars they wanted to tell me about were models/year/color/price range I already said I was not interested in, I would need to still listen to the tailored messages from the salespeople to be polite.
Women on CM get tons of mail from anyone - people who don't read their profiles to even know what those women are looking for or have read the profiles and ignore what was said.

-If out of the 30 left I briefly looked at 20 of them and just felt unattracted to the merchandise, it wasn't quite right for me. But once again, I was supposed to listen to the pitch for those cars in order to be polite even though there was no way i was interested in them.

-I might take a look at the remaining 10 pretty closely to see if I wanted to invest in one of those cars.

-End result- I just listened to 100 pitches and knew from the start I was possibly only interested in 10. You may think it only takes a minute to listen to each and maybe that's true, but I knew for a fact 70 were cars I would never be interested in. At a minute per pitch that's 70 min, and the fact of being bored and having to pee, or being hungry for dinner playing into it. Does everyone listen to every telemarketer that calls with a pitch just to be polite? Or do you interrupt and nicely say no, not interested, thanks. What if the telemarketer is calling with a personalized offer? Do we all have to listen in order to be polite or at what point does it become ok to say no? Is it on me if that telemarketer did 15 minutes of research in how to tailor his pitch in the best manner he thought would appeal to me, am I compelled to listen then because well, he spent this time figuring out how to approach me?

So I got sidetracked on the telemarketer segue, but in the end, which percentage do you think you'll normally end up in with the car scenario? The 90 or the 10? You may think I'm exaggerating the number of responses women get on here, I assure you I am not. I racked up 100 easy within the first couple days of signing up and I am older and had no picture along with a fairly brief profile. It goes much higher for younger women with pictures. No matter how personal the messages are, it becomes mind numbing to go through them all and those that are not what is wanted are discarded and why not? Why is it not ok to put aside a pitch (because that's what these emails are) for a product that is not suited to the person being pitched to? Why does the investment of time on one person's part automatically mean it should be worthy to another if it's not what they want or are looking for?

As human beings we get invested into things we put time and effort into, its hard to think those things are worthless to others. When I was an elementary school librarian I was damned good at getting kids to read, because I knew how to get them look at the books and see them as being interesting- when they finally picked one up I knew I was successful and that child would bring that book home and probably read it. However, the things we put time and effort into ourselves, aren't necessarily the things others put time and effort into, there is always going to be a discrepancy there. To you, Mike, the letters you send are worthy of attention, to the recipients that's not a given and here's the thing- it doesn't mean the recipients are bad people or rude, it just means that piece of unsolicited mail isn't valuable to them. That's life. People can debate this subject to death and always have, it doesn't change the fact that it will continue to happen because all of the people in the world can not and will not view any particular thing in exactly the same way. It might be more useful to recognize the fact that there are many reasons out there for any particular thing and it's not a personal reflection on oneself if we dont all happen to match up in our view of the value on any one thing. A diamond may have value to most people in the world but there will always be some that find it completely useless and would rather have a sandwich.


(in reply to Just0Plain0Mike)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 9:41:01 AM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		FR
It's basically a no win situation. Write back to those who interest you.
Canned reply for polite ones though I got a pissed off
hissy fit for wishing someone good luck.
Thanks but no thanks very often produces anger
and/or wheedling and whining. You cannot be nice
to some people.


_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 12:33:14 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		FR:

It's your right to answer or not answer however you see fit, if they don't like it, they can go cry in their cheerios. Don't take shit from internet wankers, your time is far too precious for that.

(in reply to Winterapple)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 2:42:47 PM   
Scala


Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi


quote:

ORIGINAL: Just0Plain0Mike

I have no problem getting a polite, Thanks but no thanks. I much prefer that to getting nothing at all, or even better, Deleted Unread.

My biggest complaint about CM and other dating sites is the odd attitude that seems to pervade them. One liners won't be responded to. Canned messages will be ignored. Ok, that makes sense, or at least it seems to at first glance. So you take the time to really read a profile and then spend more time writing a polite, message tailored directly to that person. Then you watch it get ignored, deleted unread, or read with no response. If you get something back, even if it's a No Thanks, it doesn't feel like you're completely wasting your time.

Anyway, that's my opinion,
Mike S.


This is something I see come up on here often, there hasn't been a big thread on it lately. I have a few minutes and I'll give it a shot.

I can see where it would be frustrating to write something original and not get a response, but why the attitude that just because you decided to write something to a stranger it deserves a response from her? I swear I am not being snotty, I'm asking you (Just0Plain0Mike and whoever else is interested) politely to walk through this with me and feel free to ignore my request as I'm a complete stranger responding to a post




I can only speak for myself Lizi , but you are making a big assumption that any male member of this forum is contacting you or any other woman under pretext of wanting sex . .. for a start I live on a different continent to you.

Your profile clearly states that you are looking for friendship so I would assume that, as this is a virtual forum that you would also be looking for ''virtual'' friends IE ones that you are unlikely to meet in real time. So say for example I did like some of the things that you write in the forums then I may write to you direct. ..and you would ignore it just because I am a male ? I fully understand that you probably get many emails ..100 times more than I do. So why not put in your profile '' messages from males will be deleted unread'' , this would save those of us the time that did want to write to you. Those that just ignore this and still write will then only have themselves to blame for being ignored. Even so I am sorry that many women here get nasty messages from those men who get rejected, but there are those that are polite , and mean what they say ..or write. I wish you well.


< Message edited by Scala -- 2/17/2012 2:46:21 PM >

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 2:51:50 PM   
hellionsLight


Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline 		I say 'No thank you' to all messages, unless I actually have a conversation going. I hate not getting my messages replied to, no matter what.

_____________________________


(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 2:53:40 PM   
TheBlank


Posts: 18
Joined: 2/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I have never gotten angry at rejection but there have been a couple of times where the inter-action goes something like this:

Me: "I wanted to drop you a note and tell you that I found your journal entry from 01 MAY 09 very evocative. It spoke to me and, as a writer, I wanted you to know that your message had reached at least one person."

Her: "I'm not into poly and I don't share"

Me: "Well, thank you for taking the time to read my profile and giving me your view on my lifestyle but, what has it got to do with your journal entry about little kittens?"

Her: "I just get sick and tired of poly people hitting on me"

Me: "Honey, when you assume that everyone is hitting on you, it shows immaturity at best and inability to read a simple message, at worst."

Yes. I have absolutely done that (and will continue to do so). Rude? Maybe. Instructional? Hopefully. Vengeful? You bet your sweet ass!


Rude? Absolutely. No maybe about it.

Instructional? I don't see how. You were trying to prove to her that not everyone is a twit by acting like a twit.

Vengeful? Without a doubt and undeserved. She answered the question you asked honestly and you attacked her for it, telling her, basically, that she was childish and stupid.

You could have started off by saying something like, "I just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to hit on you or anything like that but I read your journal entry and blah, blah, blah". Her experiences led her to presume since you didn't make that sort of disclaimer and it went downhill from there because of your accusatory, superior tone. If, instead of this:

Me: "Honey, when you assume that everyone is hitting on you, it shows immaturity at best and inability to read a simple message, at worst."

you had said this:

"I understand. That probably gets frustrating for you. Rest assured, that's not my intention. I really did just want to compliment your journal. You're a very good writer."

I wonder what would have happened then.



eta: okay, apparently my signature line is not working so I'll have to fix that - I am bitatruble but also exploring something different - just want to make that clear. :D This is not going to be a sock, it's going to be me as I get my direction together and decide who is good to go along for the ride.

And yes, Himself is still very much in the picture just not going with me on this particular off shoot.



< Message edited by TheBlank -- 2/17/2012 2:57:35 PM >

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 3:19:13 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		When is it appropriate to message back? If and when you feel like doing so. If it is a "thanks, but no thanks" response on your part, you can expect, 90-100% of the time that you will get a nasty message back, no matter how politely you put things. So if you don't mind taking that chance, then you can continue to send the rejection notes. Otherwise, you can join the numerous others on this thread who are, for better or worse, in the "no response" club.

I would have preferred to be polite and respond to all - but there is only so much negativity one can take. And after a while, it just seemed easier to ignore the notes from people I felt I would not connect with. Am I possibly weeding out the odd one here or there too soon? Possibly, but I'm willing to take that chance. (And I do recommend using the filters to filter out mail.)

The one exception I will make is when someone has clearly read my profile, and offers a truly thoughtful, kind letter. I will respond, in similar fashion, with a well-thought out, and as gentle a turn down as possible. When I have done that, I usually get a reasonable response back, usually along the lines of "thanks for your note, and if you ever change your mind, let me know." Of course, I don't receive such letters with nearly the same frequency as the one-line "hey interested in getting to know you" type letters. And often, the one-liners are from people who are actually looking for something that I've specifically said I'm not interested in. If they can't bother to read my profile, I really do not see why I should feel obligated to respond. And if they did read my profile, then their letter should clearly state, "hey, I know you said you are looking for x, and I am y, but I thought blah, blah, blah", i.e., they should at least address the discrepancy, so that I know where they are coming from.

To the men who think any of us have somehow not received your note - that has NEVER happened to me on any of these sites. Ever. Just saying.



_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 3:39:43 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		I have found that when I reply to an inquiry I am not interested in, that "Thank you for your kind interest, but no thank you. Good luck in finding your perfect match," works VERY well.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 3:49:25 PM   
Delilya


Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
For those you would like to respond to, I find a polite "thank you for your message, but I
am not interested. Best of luck in your search" works well.


This is what I do. If they get nasty at that (and some do) I simply block them and delete it.

_____________________________

“Love me without fear, trust me without questioning, need me without demanding, want me without restrictions, accept me without changes, desire me without inhibitions"-Dick Sutphen

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 4:03:57 PM   
SoftBonds


Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline 		As a Dom Male can I apologize to the Op and several other lovely ladies on here on behalf of my gender/orientation?
I have gotten an occasional "Thanks but no thanks," and I really did appreciate it, but reading this does help me see why some never respond, and I don't get angry about it (disappointed in the case of a few ladies, but not angry.) Threads like this help me at least realize that the rejections are not personal.
Anyway, I hope you all find the wonderful relationships you deserve and that the stalkers and such get what they deserve.

(in reply to Delilya)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 5:04:17 PM   
SLRN158782985


Posts: 41
Status: offline
Seconded, but from the male subs point if view.



< Message edited by SLRN158782985 -- 2/17/2012 5:05:26 PM >

(in reply to SoftBonds)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 5:20:26 PM   
curious23


Posts: 59
Joined: 12/8/2011
Status: offline 		Wow. Just wow. What great responses. Thank you all. I went through all of them. I just wish I was able to respond as they were being added but I've had a lot of work recently.

Hope no one was offended by my not responding (joke).

(in reply to SLRN158782985)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 7:06:47 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curious23

Wow. Just wow. What great responses. Thank you all. I went through all of them. I just wish I was able to respond as they were being added but I've had a lot of work recently.

Hope no one was offended by my not responding (joke).


What a b**** you are for not responding to my post. I hope someone gives you 20 lashes with a wet noodle.


_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/17/2012 8:26:43 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala


I can only speak for myself Lizi , but you are making a big assumption that any male member of this forum is contacting you or any other woman under pretext of wanting sex . .. for a start I live on a different continent to you.

Your profile clearly states that you are looking for friendship so I would assume that, as this is a virtual forum that you would also be looking for ''virtual'' friends IE ones that you are unlikely to meet in real time. So say for example I did like some of the things that you write in the forums then I may write to you direct. ..and you would ignore it just because I am a male ? I fully understand that you probably get many emails ..100 times more than I do. So why not put in your profile '' messages from males will be deleted unread'' , this would save those of us the time that did want to write to you. Those that just ignore this and still write will then only have themselves to blame for being ignored. Even so I am sorry that many women here get nasty messages from those men who get rejected, but there are those that are polite , and mean what they say ..or write. I wish you well.



Are you perhaps mixing up my earlier post on this thread with the one you quoted here? In this later post that I made I didn't say anything about the topic of emails, just that there are reasons why women may not write back to answer every single email they may get from others on this site. I was suggesting that unsolicited emails were something like junk mail or telemarketing calls where the recipient wasn't always interested in them and it didn't necessarily consist of bad manners if women ignored the unsolicited contact.

The earlier post I made included a comment about the emails men send to women and how it was connected to them wanting sex as the eventual goal. Good for you if this is not what you do. However, it is overwhelmingly what has appeared in my mailbox and in the mailboxes of other women. Since you seem to understand that you haven't had this experience then you really can't speak as to how often it happens. I assure you that you are in a very tiny minority. Just because you don't do that doesn't mean I am wrong, as per my experience I definitely would know what I'm talking about.

I also made a caveat in that posting that you seem to have missed....I said specifically that I wasn't including men from the forums. So as an answer to your question here about if I ignore mail from men on the forums, the answer is no...I do not. I generally answer all mail- which I mentioned in the first post. Perhaps there was a language miscommunication or other breakdown, perhaps I expressed myself poorly somewhere, but I'm not sure that your posting above that I quoted had anything to do with much of what I wrote in either post I made on this thread.

< Message edited by lizi -- 2/17/2012 8:29:34 PM >

(in reply to Scala)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: When is it appropriate to message back? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109