RE: When is it appropriate to message back?

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 5:08:59 AM

SinFix

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Joined: 4/1/2011
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As others have said, I try to reply politely with a thank you but not interested and good luck to messages that show they read my profile (well when my profile showed that I was looking) most would kindly respond back with a thank you and thats it. If they respond back negatively I just delete unread and move on.

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 8:30:50 AM

AndreSanThomas

Posts: 21
Joined: 1/4/2012
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Ann Landers (or was it Dear Abby) had a great tidbit many, many years ago. Just because someone asks you a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it. This is the same thing. Just because someone messages you, doesn't mean you have to reply. So what if they message you 10 more times? So what if they get annoyed and type nasty things to you? They're not in the room with you, hopefully you don't have so much of your personal information floating around that they show up on your doorstep. So what?

That doesn't mean you should be deliberately nasty of course. And if you're corresponding with someone for a bit then decide you're not cut out for each other, a polite one liner to that effect is, well, polite (and good Karma), but just because someone talks to you, doesn't mean you HAVE to talk to them. That's what they make the delete button for. Don't overthink it.

_____________________________

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andresanthomas.blogspot.com
Explicit romances of lust and passion found at the feet of the master.

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 9:44:18 AM

Baroana

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It seems that most everyone agrees no response is a response. That being the case, why must silence be deemed more impolite than those abrupt, minimal effort responses such as "No," "No thank you," "Thanks, but no thanks" ... ?

I have given such responses many times, and I have gotten such responses many times. It's shorthand for "I've made a snap judgment, and I find that you are not worth further conversation." Maybe my judgment is correct, and maybe it isn't. However, I don't want to spend my time finding out.

I speak for myself only when I say that as between no response and one of those insta-rejections, I would rather have no response. It's softer, plus you never know - maybe the guy just doesn't have time to respond. I certainly do not have time to answer every message in my inbox.

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 10:08:02 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
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Furthermore.....

Aside from the two options I listed above (i.e. silence vs. sending a quick "No"), there are two other alternatives. First, you can spend half an hour or so of your precious, finite time on Earth composing a lengthy, eloquent letter thanking so and so for their inquiry, discussing that particular individual's strengths and weaknesses, and advising that you politely decline nonetheless.

The only other choice, as far as I can tell, is a form letter:

"Dear _____,

Thank you for your message. Please be advised that I have carefully reviewed your correspondence, and I regret to inform you that there currently are no openings for somebody with your qualifications. I will keep your resume on file, and in the event that a position becomes available, I will get in touch with you. I wish you the best of luck in the future."

Is Mr./Ms. Rejected actually going to be happy with any of the above? No, they will be let down no matter what. Thus, when we find ourselves in this situation, all we get to do is select from among several bad choices.

Given this sad state of affairs, I suggest we all stop having this pointless recurring debate every week.

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 10:23:56 AM

Baroana

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Oh, and another thing . . .

Am I misperceiving the situation when I observe that at least 9 times out of 10 it is males and not females who make complaints about getting no response?

I cannot remember the last time I saw a post by a female espousing on how rude and inconsiderate it is when somebody does not respond to a private message. I have never received a follow-up from any female saying something along the lines of "Gee, the least you could have done was write back and say no if you aren't interested!!!" (Granted, I am straight, so I don't typically get messages from women).

I hate to suggest it, but could it be the case that women just don't have very high expectations of men in this regard?

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 10:47:01 AM

Scala

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

I can only speak for myself Lizi , but you are making a big assumption that any male member of this forum is contacting you or any other woman under pretext of wanting sex . .. for a start I live on a different continent to you.

Your profile clearly states that you are looking for friendship so I would assume that, as this is a virtual forum that you would also be looking for ''virtual'' friends IE ones that you are unlikely to meet in real time. So say for example I did like some of the things that you write in the forums then I may write to you direct. ..and you would ignore it just because I am a male ? I fully understand that you probably get many emails ..100 times more than I do. So why not put in your profile '' messages from males will be deleted unread'' , this would save those of us the time that did want to write to you. Those that just ignore this and still write will then only have themselves to blame for being ignored. Even so I am sorry that many women here get nasty messages from those men who get rejected, but there are those that are polite , and mean what they say ..or write. I wish you well.

Are you perhaps mixing up my earlier post on this thread with the one you quoted here? In this later post that I made I didn't say anything about the topic of emails, just that there are reasons why women may not write back to answer every single email they may get from others on this site. I was suggesting that unsolicited emails were something like junk mail or telemarketing calls where the recipient wasn't always interested in them and it didn't necessarily consist of bad manners if women ignored the unsolicited contact.

The earlier post I made included a comment about the emails men send to women and how it was connected to them wanting sex as the eventual goal. Good for you if this is not what you do. However, it is overwhelmingly what has appeared in my mailbox and in the mailboxes of other women. Since you seem to understand that you haven't had this experience then you really can't speak as to how often it happens. I assure you that you are in a very tiny minority. Just because you don't do that doesn't mean I am wrong, as per my experience I definitely would know what I'm talking about.

I also made a caveat in that posting that you seem to have missed....I said specifically that I wasn't including men from the forums. So as an answer to your question here about if I ignore mail from men on the forums, the answer is no...I do not. I generally answer all mail- which I mentioned in the first post. Perhaps there was a language miscommunication or other breakdown, perhaps I expressed myself poorly somewhere, but I'm not sure that your posting above that I quoted had anything to do with much of what I wrote in either post I made on this thread.

My apologies Lizi , I have just reread both your comments and I have indeed then misunderstood your posts .

so please press the button on this link ::

you need the sound on

http://www.scrolllock.nl/1.cfm

Scala

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 2:29:17 PM

myrgth

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I would focus more on your on line experience and let others worry about their own.

I would imagine it would be quite time consuming and frustrating to worry about other people's feelings and experiences - even though they are in complete control of them. Since you can't predict how someone will react, it's best to worry about your own experience and make sure it is enjoyable.

In that you have several options.

Delete, unread. This let's a person know you received the message and aren't interested in getting any more.

Simple response indicating non interest and then block. This allows you to continue your experience without getting the exact same message from the sender in a month and keeps them from sending you hate mail or the continuous, 'why why why'. However, if someone is friendly and comes across as geniune, I rarely block them. I've made some decent friends that I bounce ideas and such off of as well as hang out with at events. If you know you will never want to speak to them again, just block them after a response.

Narrow who is allowed to message you so that those you immediately know you won't be interested in won't even show up and goes directly to bulk.

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 2:30:02 PM

lizi

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Joined: 2/1/2009
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Oh my, that was hysterical. Thank you for coming back to clear things up, I appreciate that gesture along with your intact sense of humor.

I'm actually going to keep that link and use it some day

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/18/2012 3:32:12 PM

Scala

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Joined: 7/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Oh my, that was hysterical. Thank you for coming back to clear things up, I appreciate that gesture along with your intact sense of humor.

I'm actually going to keep that link and use it some day

glad you liked it ...

be well and take care

Scala

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/22/2012 4:22:44 PM

DennisNajee

Posts: 21
Joined: 3/30/2010
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Wait a day and then reply with:

"I am sorry I didnt get back to you sooner. Yesterday I spent all day at my doctor's office being treated for my herpes.

So what are you looking for?"

Truthfully, it doesnt matter. Most of the online people are flakes. Women get a ton more emails then men so you are dealing with 10x the problem. But as was mentioned, it doesnt matter what you say to most of these nimrods...they are just playing games anyway. Ignoring them might be the best move.

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/22/2012 8:16:23 PM

Casteele

Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline

FR

Hi curious. Welcome to the site. Here are the rules regarding the subject to which you have asked. If and when you are approached by any man, woman or some combination thereof, you are expected to immediately respond in a positive and respectful manner, showing complete interest in them and encourage them to continue pursuing their intentions with you. This is especially true if the approacher has clearly identified themselves as a Dominant or Master, which automatically entitles them any and all rights to do as they wish with you. Should you fail to respond to first contact, you must respond immediately upon second contact with a full apology, begging forgiveness, and ask how you shall be punished for your horrific act of irresponsibility to comply with these rules. Be sure to feel sufficiently guilty for your failure to comply. You will not fail a third time, for doing so will invoke the ultimate wrath of the universe, which will simply annihilate you from all existence in order to bring balance and harmony back in to existence. Now, send me your nude photos and go make me a sandwich while I masturbate furiously to the photos.

Seriously, I'm waiting..

:-P

When, how, and IF, you choose to reply, of your own free will and desire, is when it is appropriate, and not one iota sooner. You should never feel obliged or worse, made to feel guilt, if you choose not to reply, no matter how much they may try to manipulate you in to feeling so. Personally, I'd go for the BLOCK button at the first sign of such tactics. Most people _should_ have learned that someone who does not reply, or someone who replies with "not interested" is simply, well, not interested. With so many other options out there, they'd be better spending their time pursuing more fruitful prospects anyhow. Sadly, not everyone out there will have learned this, no matter how many times people try to ram it down their gullets. Just shrug, block, and move on.

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RE: When is it appropriate to message back? - 2/22/2012 8:45:55 PM

Casteele

Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheBlank

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

...

Yes. I have absolutely done that (and will continue to do so). Rude? Maybe. Instructional? Hopefully. Vengeful? You bet your sweet ass!

Rude? Absolutely. No maybe about it.

Just as rude as the other person jumping to read his profile and automatically assume that he's hitting on her. Sure, she may have reason to, given the quality of men on here, but that is not much different than guys who think all women are gold digging sluts with nothing to offer but a wet hole and a good time because they see so many women who act exactly like that at the bars and clubs. Would you appreciate being categorically generalized like that because the other person has had bad experiences with others, and take it out on you?

quote:

Instructional? I don't see how. You were trying to prove to her that not everyone is a twit by acting like a twit.

I do not think he acted like a twit at all. I think the other acted like a twit in their response. He offered a sincere comment of appreciation and affirmation that their writing was heard, rather than just left in the void. What writer wants to feel their writing just disappeared in the void? Before you argue that women learn that all men have ulterior motives and are really just trying a clever ploy to open the door to hitting on her, re-read my previous comment--If you go through life always assuming everyone out there has some vile motives, you are the one who will constantly come off as being a twit incapable of dealing with life, whether it be good or bad.

quote:

Vengeful? Without a doubt and undeserved. She answered the question you asked honestly and you attacked her for it, telling her, basically, that she was childish and stupid.

Undeserved? Was the other person's automatic conclusion that he was trying to hit on her deserved? You might feel it was justified, again, based on prior experiences, but I think by now you should realize how I feel about judging everyone by YOUR past experiences, and what it makes YOU. So I'll just add that if you're that kind of person, you deserve nothing but the same in return. Even more so because she attacked him first for no reason other than the fact that he openly admits he's poly. I was not aware that being poly was some wicked, vile, evil, illegal thing to be, or that all poly people had to be horrible and rotten people who deserved to be shot down so carelessly. Especially since, as he pointed out, it had nothing to do with his original message.

quote:

You could have started off by saying something like, "I just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to hit on you or anything like that but I read your journal entry and blah, blah, blah". Her experiences led her to presume since you didn't make that sort of disclaimer and it went downhill from there because of your accusatory, superior tone. If, instead of this:

Me: "Honey, when you assume that everyone is hitting on you, it shows immaturity at best and inability to read a simple message, at worst."

you had said this:

"I understand. That probably gets frustrating for you. Rest assured, that's not my intention. I really did just want to compliment your journal. You're a very good writer."

I wonder what would have happened then.

And had she first replied with "Thank you for the compliment, I'm glad to know my writing has moved someone! However, let me make it clear I really do not like poly people; No offense meant, just my personal preference which I'm sure you can understand and respect. Have a nice day!" instead of assuming the worst, it could have been avoided without him having to reply as you suggest in the first place.

So back to instructional.. Hopefully, it taught her a simple lesson in life.. negativity begets negativity.

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