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I'm NOT stupid! - 2/22/2012 9:53:30 PM   
curious23


Posts: 59
Joined: 12/8/2011
Status: offline 		I couldn't help but notice a lot of subs writing this on their profile and I even have something on my own profile telling guys not to patronize me. Men are so quick to ask me if I've thought my kink through and if I know the repercussions of it and always end whatever conversation with a "be careful" as if I just blindly decided I was into something without doing any research. The first thing that comes to mind is that I'm not an idiot here. Just like you have bothered to learn about what YOU'RE into, so have I. But while you've accessed information about it, you seem to think I'm incapable of doing so without being told to. But sometimes I wonder if stating that I'm not dumb on my profile is helping or hurting me and my prospects.

I'm reminded of a teenager telling their parents or another adult "I'm not like dumb and stuff so don't treat me like I'm a kid!" and the adult going "Sure you're not sweetie...sure you're not." I just feel like stating that you're not an idiot only gives folks a reason to believe you are one because you actually feel the need to clarify it in the first place just in case there was any confusion. It falls under the same notions of "I'm NOT insane!" "I'm NOT unreasonable!" "I'm NOT uneducated!" The mere snifter of someone trying to convince me they're not crazy makes me want to take a few steps back and talk really slowly...just in case.

At first I gave men the benefit of the doubt but you would not believe the patronizing mails I get. And there are SO many. "You do realize that anal sex will hurt for the first time, right?" Really? REALLY? You felt the need to explain that to me and call your intentions noble? If anything, you insult me.

I find myself becoming somewhat of a cynic as I stay here, which scares me. I don't want to hate men. But goddamn it, so many of them think I was born yesterday and that turns me off of them. Especially older guys. I have no issue with older men but they tend to think I don't know anything at all about the very thing I want. I want to hold all the men who treat me like this but there are SO many men that do. In fact, I can't think of one message I've gotten that doesn't come off as condescending aside from "Hello, how are you?".

So I'm just wondering if this attitude is just the Dominant condition that I have to just get use to because that's how Doms are (I'm well aware that they can be protective and go into mentor-mode at the drop of a hat) or is this something that I shouldn't tollerate ever? And if it's not to be tolerated, am I, or any sub for that matter, doing myself or his/herself any favors by stating ahead of time that I'm not a "dumb doormat who, like, isn't educated and stuff"?

Or maybe I've got this all wrong and there really are a lot of subs who don't know anything about what they seek, making the Doms' actions totally necessary in most cases....any advice is appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/22/2012 10:01:47 PM   
jennileigh8182


Posts: 173
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		I would hazard a guess that there ARE a lot of naive women here, a lot that think they want something, then find they're in way over their heads. However, I don't get many emails like that. I don't have anything on my profile about not being stupid, I just present myself as a calm, self-assured, educated woman with her life together - which I am. The dominant I'm seeing was drawn by specifically that...the mental connection. I think there are ways to present yourself as you wish to be seen without having to come out and say it. As has been said on so many threads here, if you have to tell people about it to make sure they notice it, it's probably not as true as you think it is...or at least that's the assumption.

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/22/2012 10:11:26 PM   
curious23


Posts: 59
Joined: 12/8/2011
Status: offline 		I would love to write a small novel about myself on my profile that explains exactly who I am and I suspect that is what the journal section is for. But I don't want to make a long profile...Simply because I don't like them myself. I'll get to know someone via conversation. Profiles are supposed to outline the crucial; the stuff that is an absolute requirement if anything between the two of us will work. I say exactly what I'm looking for and keep it short because that's what I like to read. I don't suspect many would read my long winded journal entries any more than I would read theirs. And I know guys have a lot of trial and error on their hands, usually having to initiate email conversations and go through profile after profile while women usually just have sit back and see if they get anything good. Why burden a guy who's looking for something serious with 7 pages of me?

I would prefer to just know the gist of what they're after and take it from there in chat or email.

(in reply to jennileigh8182)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/22/2012 10:17:26 PM   
seasnail


Posts: 54
Joined: 8/30/2011
Status: offline 		Hi Curious23,

when men talk to you like that - like you know anal sex will hurt ask them how they got past the pain. if they want be idiots treat them like idiots. you don't have to explain your self and you don't need to deal with these people either. or just block them without reply there some times is no answer for a baffoon.

seasnail

_____________________________

What can i say... i love these boots!

i know not very subby - what can i say?

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/22/2012 10:27:39 PM   
jennileigh8182


Posts: 173
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		Certainly your choice, as it's your profile. I merely offered a response to your post. Maybe the long profile keeps the idiots from messaging me and draws the eye instead of the more educated and depth-seeking men. I get fewer messages than you do, I'm sure, but a fairly large percentage of them are men that I actually want to converse with...and I'm very picky. None of them patronize me, none of them treat me like a child or an idiot. Maybe part of it is your age, and maybe part of it is that your profile talks about a rape fantasy. When I had a brief profile, I got more garbage. With the longer profile, I tend to get messages mostly from reasonably compatible men.

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/22/2012 10:29:08 PM   
sincelo


Posts: 122
Joined: 12/30/2011
Status: offline 		These men are hoping to seem like heroes in your mind. "Oh he is so wise" It happens frequently and makes me vomit because of the amount of times that I have seen it work even short term. I think to myself "are you fucking kidding me? Did these women just fall out of a bubble and have no real life experience?" Perhaps they did. I have a lot of conversations with myself though.

_____________________________




(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/22/2012 11:51:58 PM   
MrBukani


Posts: 1920
Joined: 4/18/2010
Status: offline 		We all make profiles to what we figure is best for our goal. I like to read a little about somebody before I write to them. But good intentions can backfire on us. I like the profiles that stand out. That really tell me something different. And yours does to the point you like something but not so much in the sexual context. I would love to read just about the reasoning for that.
To be critical, you are too defensive about it. I rather hear you like to talk about philosophy or whatever, then to read you are not stupid.
I would like to make that decision myself lol.
I like to read the longer profiles too, but 2 pages are a bit the limit or it has to be real interesting.
And if you want to write a book about yourself thats great, sometimes when the writing is good I read complete journals.
I dont really mind you focus on one thing, but it would be nice if you elaborate on it.
Anyway it's the scene thats filled out with fuck ups, you cant help it.
I just try to make the best of it. My profile seems very negative to a lot of people, but I did get a lot of compliments on it.
I am only lookin for a few, not many.
Hope this helps a little.

(in reply to sincelo)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 12:01:23 AM   
MrBlue76


Posts: 82
Status: offline 		I don't think your profile is so alarming, really. But I admit that I have read some profiles here that have scared me a bit. And I confess that I have fallen in the naivity and patronizing attitude of sending a message of "be careful". Unnecessary and stupid, probably, but... couldn't help it.

As you see, non-stupid people do very stupid things, from time to time. Because I'm not a stupid either!

(Well... I think...)



_____________________________

I'm not a native english speaker. So, if I'm writing very stupid things, the reason behind it can be:
1.- That I'm having problems with the language, and translation
2.- That, simply, I'm writing very stupid things
Give me the benefit of doubt!

(in reply to MrBukani)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 12:14:37 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		And you know your interpretation of such things may not be the only possible one. What if there are other motives for such behavior than the desire to patronize you? I have to wonder why you choose that interpretation over others.

I personally think you shouldn't tolerate anything. You should find those who make you happy and find your way past those who do not.

Good luck (and I don't mean that in a condescending way, I'm just... you know... wishing you good luck)

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 12:30:13 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		I had always assumed that statements like "I am not stupid" or (nearly as common) "I am not a doormat" are put on their profiles by people a result of a certain amount of frustration at the emails they receive.

I suspect that in both cases they're likely to be ignored by the culprits that prompted their addition in the first place.

I'm sure you get all manner of responses from the patronising to the utterly bonkers... it's a wacky old place.

You know what you want, and what kind of person you want to meet, don't let people that aren't likely to be a good match divert your attention too much.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 12:46:49 AM   
mussorgsky


Posts: 44
Joined: 8/4/2011
From: Connecticut, USA
Status: offline 		Some of the best internet advice is "do not feed the trolls." Simply ignore the morons even if they are just of the helpful variety. It's a lot easier and less frustrating to ignore them than it is to attempt to defend or explain yourself time and time again. Crazyml is probably right that the people responsible for that will ignore or never even read those kinds of comments. Just move your mouse over to the "delete" button and continue on with your life.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 12:50:15 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		Most of the younger females on collarme get plenty of ridiculous mail. That includes the sort-of condescending ones where an older guy tries to shove his "experience" down your throat, hoping you will be awed by it. Which, I don't think they realize that they are actually coming across as condescending, but they are indirectly (but perhaps unintentionally) implying that you don't know what you are doing or what you want, or that you would benefit from their "experience" because you are naive and ignorant.

I roll my eyes when I see these messages. Yes, they are rude. Yes, they are annoying. But overall the best thing you can do is to put it from your mind. Don't hate men--there are plenty of them that don't act like this. And no, you shouldn't "tolerate" any treatment towards you that you find less than favorable. Identifying as a submissive doesn't mean you don't get a choice of who you want to interact with or who you want to answer to. It can be tempting to put all sorts of disclaimers in your profile to ward against unwanted or rude messages, but in reality the ones sending those messages often don't read those disclaimers in the first place.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 2:10:06 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		To someone of my age, your profile which is solely fantasy based, does appear to be written by someone young and naive. Not stupid, but not experienced either. And unfortunately, people like that show up here regularly to bewail that they got hurt while trying to act out their fantasies.

I cringed at your assumption that a rapist is dominant btw. I would also like to suggest that if you want to be seen as someone more mature, you talk about who you are as a person instead of staying fixated on your fantasy. If for no other reason then that if you keep it the way it is, you will continue to get the responses you have gotten.

And the dominants questioning you to see if you know that first time anal may not be patronizing you so much as trying not to be arrested afterward for rape when you have buyer's remorse.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 3:27:20 AM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		What she said^^^^^

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 4:14:08 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Yeah? Well, I'm gonna be one of those guys you complain about. I'm way older than you, and I've been in the scene for ten years.

I've recently introduced a few female subs into the scene locally. They were apprehensive about being at parties where people would do things they might be uncomfortable with. They were afraid that someone they were not attracted to might approach them and ask them to play. I listened, reassured, offered solutions. So your request of "I'm a grownup and I know what I want! Leave me alone!" is quite a change.

I read your profile. It reads to me like you haven't done much of your homework.

1. You lead off with your ultimate goal of rape play. You leave off the con non-con and resistance play terms that are milder versions and could lead toward rape play, easing into it.
2. You seem to not be connected to the local community. As such, you don't know who is considered safe and who isn't, and who might be locally known to have several years' experience with rape play.
3. As DesFIP said, your equating Dominant with rapist is flat out wrong.
4. Your statement about what kind of mindset you'll accept in your rapist and how you'll bust his balls otherwise sets off all kinds of alarms. Any sane Dom will want to have some control of what's going down. We're Doms, yanno?

I have no problem with you wanting rape play. But I'd like for you to do it safely. The fact that you have so many others concerned about you being safe makes me happy. The fact that you reject what they say concerns me.

Good luck.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SinFix)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 5:53:19 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curious23

I find myself becoming somewhat of a cynic as I stay here, which scares me. I don't want to hate men. But goddamn it,
so many of them think I was born yesterday and that turns me off of them. Especially older guys. I have no issue with older
men but they tend to think I don't know anything at all about the very thing I want.



Your profile starts off with your rape fantaasy, and ends with a childish condescending tone, specifically to the older men.
And then you insult ALL dominant men by assuming that only a dominant man is a rapsit, which is wrong on so many levels.
A dominant man seeks to inspire consensual power exchange. A domineering man takes whatever he can get, any
way he can get it. Perhaps you would find more volunteers for your scenario in the latter.

I would also spend less time worrying about what other submissives have in their profile, as it has nothing to do with the responses
you are getting. There is nothing you offer anyone with interest to grab on to and discuss with you, other than your fantasy,
so of course, you are either going to get "Hey, be careful out there, there are alot of men with ill intent." OR "Hey baby, let's meet up so I can rape you."




_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to curious23)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 6:10:25 AM   
Hellion64


Posts: 14
Joined: 11/20/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

There is nothing you offer anyone with interest to grab on to and discuss with you, other than your fantasy,
so of course, you are either going to get "Hey, be careful out there, there are alot of men with ill intent." OR "Hey baby, let's meet up so I can rape you."




This is exactly what I got from the profile. *shakes head*

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 6:16:04 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I think I would leave out the rape fantasy detail completely, get to know someone intellectually first then tell them. This is just my opinion but I think it sets you up for getting targetted by the very worse kind of dangerous men. You want a good man to act out your fantasy not a bad one. Good luck.

ANd You are not stupid and I am not crazy!!!

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 6:56:36 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I had always assumed that statements like "I am not stupid" or (nearly as common) "I am not a doormat" are put on their profiles by people a result of a certain amount of frustration at the emails they receive.

I suspect that in both cases they're likely to be ignored by the culprits that prompted their addition in the first place.

I'm sure you get all manner of responses from the patronizing to the utterly bonkers... it's a wacky old place.

You know what you want, and what kind of person you want to meet, don't let people that aren't likely to be a good match divert your attention too much.


This.

OP, if you feel your profile is a reflection of who you are.....then ignore any and all critique of it.

People have shared their view, upon reading. What people read into your profile is going to drive how they write to you. That being said, the tone of the emails you receive is partially your responsibility. Certainly not all. How you allow those emails to affect you and how you react to them is entirely your responsibility.

You do not have to reply to the emails you do not like. It is actually quite easy to delete and forget. I strongly recommend it.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I'm NOT stupid! - 2/23/2012 7:00:56 AM   
hellionsLight


Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

You do not have to reply to the emails you do not like. It is actually quite easy to delete and forget. I strongly recommend it.



People don't do this? *blink*


/teasing

Anyway, I agree with ^^

_____________________________


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 20
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