RE: He wants me to change....? (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/1/2012 9:32:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook

That's because I think she's completely overreacting. If she's melting down over such minor things, what is she going to do when he asks something really difficult of her?

You're all so busy condemning him, you're overlooking the fact that she willingly entered into a D/s relationship, and now she's whining because he's telling her what he wants her to do. I know, the guy's got some nerve acting as if he owned her, right? [8|]



What he asked would be reasonable for me, too (assuming the expected weight is still a healthy one), but it doesn't matter what's reasonable to me. What matters is "is this working for her?", and it's not. So she needs to renegotiate the relationship or find a new one where she's not asked to do things she finds unreasonable.



Tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



JeffBC -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/1/2012 9:58:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu
it doesn't matter what's reasonable to me. What matters is "is this working for her?", and it's not.

+1

Like you, all of the stuff listed would be well within bounds for Carol and I. And like you, I think that statement means nothing in the context of someone else's relationship. It doesn't even mean that somehow Carol is more sub or I'm more dom or whatever -- not even in those three specific areas. In my experience, relationships are generally so different that it's virtually impossible to make apples-apples comparisons.



kalikshama -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/1/2012 1:55:01 PM)

quote:

I thought that things like that were the prerogative of a "Master". If your "Master" wants you to lose weight; you do what it takes to lose weight. If your "Master" wants you to get a tattoo; you call and make an appointment. If your "Master" wants you to turn down a promotion (I can't imagine why); you turn it down. Otherwise your "Master" isn't your "Master" at all. He may be your Dominant, but if you don't do what he tells you to do, he's not your "Master".


Thanks to OsideGirl on another thread in this section:

quote:

Did ya read the thread where a woman showed up at his house, gave him money, blew him, cleaned his house and then left....for two years? She called him a Master.



LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/1/2012 4:17:41 PM)

quote:

It seems to me for someone with little experience being a dominant, you've managed to read "The Rule Book" from cover to cover. Where does one find that book, I haven't found it throughout ten years of searching.

Whether someone identifies as submissive or slave, they are still a human being. No where is it written that a slave can't say no. As a human being they have every right to voice their opinion and not accept everything said by the dominant as gospel and a 'must do'. It's just as important for the slave or submissive to be happy in the D/s relationship as it is for the dominant.
The Rule Book? I'm writing mine, I assumed that every Dominant does the same, but perhaps some prefer to follow orders rather than to make their own way forward.

And the 2nd paragraph is correct, though I'm not sure why you included it, seeing as I haven't said anything to dispute or contradict any of the points you make in it. I think she's wrong to react the way she is to some perfectly reasonable requests, I think she is overreacting and being overly melodramatic. I feel this is happening because this is the first time the man he calls her Master has told her to do something other than exactly what she wanted to be told to do. She claims to be a submissive in a D/s relationship, yet is complaining when her partner attempts to dominate her. If he was asking her to get 38FF implants, or to quit her job and become a stripper, or wanting to engage in high risk activities without adequate training, I could understand her making a thread like this one. But that isn't what happened, he made some mundane run-of-the-mill, and lets be honest here, pretty vanilla requests of her, and she is going into an "I'm not good enough" emotional tailspin. Her insecurity, emotional instability and just plain old-fashioned immaturity are blatantly obvious in line of her OP. So I told her to grow up and fulfill her role in the relationship.

What that has to do with the things you listed off in your 2nd paragraph is simply beyond me. The two are completely unrelated.



LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/1/2012 4:19:51 PM)

NM. So not worth the effort.



SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/1/2012 5:41:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook
The Rule Book? I'm writing mine, I assumed that every Dominant does the same, but perhaps some prefer to follow orders rather than to make their own way forward.

And the 2nd paragraph is correct, though I'm not sure why you included it, seeing as I haven't said anything to dispute or contradict any of the points you make in it. I think she's wrong to react the way she is to some perfectly reasonable requests, I think she is overreacting and being overly melodramatic. I feel this is happening because this is the first time the man he calls her Master has told her to do something other than exactly what she wanted to be told to do. She claims to be a submissive in a D/s relationship, yet is complaining when her partner attempts to dominate her. If he was asking her to get 38FF implants, or to quit her job and become a stripper, or wanting to engage in high risk activities without adequate training, I could understand her making a thread like this one. But that isn't what happened, he made some mundane run-of-the-mill, and lets be honest here, pretty vanilla requests of her, and she is going into an "I'm not good enough" emotional tailspin. Her insecurity, emotional instability and just plain old-fashioned immaturity are blatantly obvious in line of her OP. So I told her to grow up and fulfill her role in the relationship.

What that has to do with the things you listed off in your 2nd paragraph is simply beyond me. The two are completely unrelated.



A tattoo, in an improper or unclean setting or with an artist thats positive or doesnt pay attention to safety or cleanliness...can lead to transmission of HIV and Hep C... Thats not high risk at all....[8|] I dont know what i was thinking *snorts*




Firebirdseeking -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 7:20:31 AM)

For a "newbie" you have some pretty strong opinions, and it could be said from your presentation, insistance upon being "right", that you are not about submission.

Not all subs and doms are looking for a relationship of sorts, or a real connection. My take on it is this: she is who she is. If he collared her with whatever "extra" pounds he thinks she has - and I understand that is highy debateable" - if he collared he without a tat - that is who she is. Vanilla or lifestyle, it is not a good idea to go into a relationship thinking the other person should change to suit the other's tastes. Moreover, and I own this as an issue I am passionate about, I see women every day in my work who are killling themselves to try to meet an unrealistic - and in many cases, unhealty - standard of thinness. Do I think his "concerns" are unrealistic? Yes, I do.



LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 10:00:52 AM)

A "newbie" with strong opinions seems out of place to you? I guess you haven't spent a lot of time listening to college students.

From your 2nd paragraph I take it that you feel relationships should be completely negotiated at the outset and remain static thereafter. That must be a very lengthy negotiation session to cover all possible future situations, and a very boring life as well.

I hope it works for you, it wouldn't for me.



DesFIP -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 12:05:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook

 I think she's wrong to react the way she is to some perfectly reasonable requests



You keep missing the point that to her this isn't a perfectly reasonable requests. In fact, for most people of my religion, tattoos are taboo. They aren't reasonable requests. And that's why we hard limit them.

Which is what she did. And what he's decided to ignore.



tigerrlily -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 12:49:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook

That's because I think she's completely overreacting. If she's melting down over such minor things, what is she going to do when he asks something really difficult of her?

You're all so busy condemning him, you're overlooking the fact that she willingly entered into a D/s relationship, and now she's whining because he's telling her what he wants her to do. I know, the guy's got some nerve acting as if he owned her, right? [8|]



She's not having a meltdown or even whining, she asked her question in a non-provocative, reasonable manner. She came into the relationship with tattoos as a hard limit, it is not unreasonable to hold to a hard limit. It might be unreasonable to take something you'd previously agreed to do, and then change your mind, although even that might be reasonable under various circumstances.

He's asking her, repeatedly, to change a hard limit that's been in place since the beginning. She didn't come out of left field and blindside him with something different.
Whatever place she has in the relationship she's entitled to her hard limits.



JeffBC -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 12:49:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You keep missing the point that to her this isn't a perfectly reasonable requests.

What was that line from Avatar???

"It's hard to fill a cup that's already full."



tigerrlily -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 1:06:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook

The Rule Book? I'm writing mine, I assumed that every Dominant does the same, but perhaps some prefer to follow orders rather than to make their own way forward.

And the 2nd paragraph is correct, though I'm not sure why you included it, seeing as I haven't said anything to dispute or contradict any of the points you make in it. I think she's wrong to react the way she is to some perfectly reasonable requests, I think she is overreacting and being overly melodramatic. I feel this is happening because this is the first time the man he calls her Master has told her to do something other than exactly what she wanted to be told to do. She claims to be a submissive in a D/s relationship, yet is complaining when her partner attempts to dominate her. If he was asking her to get 38FF implants, or to quit her job and become a stripper, or wanting to engage in high risk activities without adequate training, I could understand her making a thread like this one. But that isn't what happened, he made some mundane run-of-the-mill, and lets be honest here, pretty vanilla requests of her, and she is going into an "I'm not good enough" emotional tailspin. Her insecurity, emotional instability and just plain old-fashioned immaturity are blatantly obvious in line of her OP. So I told her to grow up and fulfill her role in the relationship.

What that has to do with the things you listed off in your 2nd paragraph is simply beyond me. The two are completely unrelated.


How is she overreacting and being overly melodramatic? She asked a couple of questions - there weren't really any emotions in her words at all, not sure where you are getting this drama from. It seems to be something you are adding gratuitously. It's a big supposition to say that this is the first time she's been asked to do something she didn't like, presume much? You called these requests vanilla, who is to say what is vanilla to her? I'ts just kind of strange to have you read so much into the OP's motives when I thought that she presented them herself fairly thoroughly.



Firebirdseeking -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 2:00:44 PM)

She is all of 22, and I guess, like most 22 year olds, she thinks she knows it all. LoreBook, there is a lot to learn here. You might want to pay attention.



SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 6:52:59 PM)

Firebird, please dont blame it on her age, im 23 and have learned a lot, and i doubt its simply the extra year...

I think it might have to do a bit more with lacking in tact then it is age...



MsLadySue -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 7:13:46 PM)

You go ahead and write your own rule book until you're blue in the face. The only persons those rules pertain to are you and yours. M/s is not one size fits all. Not everyone feels as you do that the Master has total control and last say on everything his slave does or will do. There are many variations on the theme and perhaps after you've been around the scene longer you will realize your views are are just that 'yours'.



DesFIP -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 7:28:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

Firebird, please dont blame it on her age, im 23 and have learned a lot, and i doubt its simply the extra year...

I think it might have to do a bit more with lacking in tact then it is age...


A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose. Hopefully in the next few years, this 22 year old will lose hers. Else she's going to have a hell of a lot of difficulty getting, and moreover, keeping a partner.



Firebirdseeking -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 8:47:15 PM)

A newbie who thinks she knows it all seems out of place, yes. Someone who insists she has the right "take" on relationships seems out of place as well. AS far as listening - I listen for a living. To people of all ages. When you lose your hubris, you learn a lot more. I suggest you lose yours and learn a bit of humility here on the boards, and instead of insisting you are right, in some ultimate way, that you insist only on what is right for YOU - not for everyone. This is not a one size fits all site.

I second Des and MsSue's thoughts and opinions on this subject. For the record, I also think there is a difference between control and dominance. It is my belief that dominance is at its best, ie, at its best for me, when decisions are made that are in the best interest of the relationship. And that if a decision that is made in my best interest, it is not about something frivolous and unnecessary like a tatoo.

FYI, Ms LoreBook, I am married 2.5 years to a wonderful dominant man I met here. So please do not presume or assume anything about my relationship(s). For a college student, you have a lot to learn. I had a lot to learn as well when I was a newbie, and I was a lot older than you. Try being open to that concept.



Firebirdseeking -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 8:48:23 PM)

YOu are so right, Spirited, it is not the extra year at all. Its the attitude, as you so aptly pointed out. : )



LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 11:00:41 PM)

I didn't once say that anybody else had to do things my way, I only expressed my opinion of the OP's situation from my perspective. Yet an awful lot of you who are telling me that one size does not fit all have been doing just that, telling me just how wrong I am. Irony? Just a little.

And to top it off, you're wrong, because my approach is right. Maybe not right for you, but I don't care what's right for you, you aren't the type of person I'm ultimately looking for, nor is your dynamic.

Its obvious that you don't like my views on how best to structure a D/s relationship, that you're threatened by them for some reason, but once again, I don't happen to care. You aren't anybody whose opinions in this area matter. Its not that I think any of you are wrong to do things the way you do, I just don't consider it very D/s, and certainly not M/s, so the way you do things isn't important to me. its like a football coach lecturing a baseball player.

And there's another thing, did it cross your mind that maybe the reason I am so comfortable with my ideas is because of the level of experience of the people from whom I learned them? You see, I didn't just dream these ideas up from reading porn or get them from some hokey Mistress' website, I learned them from people, some regular posters on these boards, with as much or more real life experience as any of you. Experience that is, unlike yours, relevant to me and what I want.

I am the first to admit that I have a lot to learn yet before I take on a slave, I've made a point of emphasizing that. That's why I'm here, to learn. But I get to choose who I learn from, and you, and the others berating me on this thread, are not who I chose to learn from. I don't want the sort of dynamic you advocate, so you don't really have anything to teach me in this respect. The things you have to teach just don't apply to what I want. I'm sure there will be many other areas and aspects of the lifestyle where you will have plenty to teach me, but this isn't one of them.

So I am going to continue to post from my perspective, and I'm sure that you, and the others here will continue getting all pissy about it when I do. I'm not worried about that in the least, that you disagree with me isn't important, I don't care if you do or don't. I do care if the people who's opinions I respect disagree with me, but you and the others on this thread aren't in that group.

So, you can all stop telling me that my ideas won't work for everybody, I know that, I knew that before the OP started the thread. That's one of the first things I learned here. But I don't care if they work for anybody other than myself and my future partner.



KittyBoiSlave -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/2/2012 11:08:25 PM)

If I had a dime for every internet argument that was some variation of "STOP LIKING WHAT I DON'T LIKE", etc.



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