RE: He wants me to change....?

RE: He wants me to change....? (Full Version)

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kalikshama -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/4/2012 4:46:33 AM)
quote: I know that people engage in relationships other than 24/7 face-to-face TPE M/s relationships but I don't care. That they do it and how they do it is mostly irrelevant to me, I don't consider those relationships D/s relationships. There's a reason for the alphabet soup - they mean different things. A Master/slave relationship is not likely to look the same as a Dominant/submissive relationship. I think my definition of M/s is more similar to yours than the OP's definition. What we are trying to explain to you is that people are free to define their relationships for themselves. The OP isn't approaching her issue by asking if it's her Master's prerogative to order her to do these things - she's framing it in a "he wants me to change" context. So while you and I and other may believe that when in a M/s relationship, the M gets to call those shots, the point we are trying to make to you is that it's ok for people to structure their relationships as it suits them.

Aswad -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/4/2012 8:58:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh I think we need to sit down and talk about what we want. I think this is the most sensible thing ever said by a new poster with such a question. Go do. Health, al-Aswad.

Greta75 -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/4/2012 10:13:30 AM)
I'm kinda interpreting this thing as, dom had it in his head that, as year goes by, he should be able to break down her limits...., and it's been 3 years, and I guess his decided his worked on you for a long time, and time to get more heavy handed on getting you to do what he wants. I actually can relate to this situation, cuz it's kinda like me and my x-dom, after 2 years together, and him constantly trying to break limits, it gets painful, because being together, living together for those years, falling inlove, when he knew from day one what I was capable and not capable of, and day one said he was okay with it all, he thought he could live without those things and then later 2 years later kinda said, his no longer okay with it. It's frustrating because, maybe he should've said that from day one, rather than think he can change his sub with time and then get disappointed later. It's alot of pain to deal with. I hope you guys manage to work it out eventually. I genuinely hope love prevails for you both.

LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/4/2012 6:15:40 PM)
quote: What we are trying to explain to you is that people are free to define their relationships for themselves. What I'm trying to explain to you is that I know that, I knew it before the OP made started the thread and its irrelevant. I don't care how others define the terms, if they don't match my definition then they are misusing the term as far as I am concerned. Now can you all please stop going on about this. I know and don't care, it doesn't matter.

kalikshama -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/5/2012 4:22:14 AM)
http://www.collarchat.com/m_4014028/mpage_6/key_/tm.htm#4050371 quote: Original: littlewonder ppsstt...LoreBook, add "personally" or "I think" or "imo" in your paragraphs. Unfortunately, being here for years, I've learned you have to do that if you don't want everyone down your throat telling you constantly that you come across as "One True Way". I absolutely hate having to do that. It should be assumed that what you type is your opinion, but people here really don't see it that way. quote: Original: kalikshama littlewonder, You don't come across as One True Way because you frame things as being about your experiences in your relationship. While your relationship wouldn't work for me (hot as your man sounds), I never get the sense that you are speaking about universal truths. quote: Original: littlewonder like I said, I've learned I've had to phrase things like that so I don't come across in that way. When I first started online in bdsm forums many years ago I did come across that way because I feel strongly about the differences between sub, slave, Dom, Master, Bdsm/d/s/M/s. Since I don't like confrontation though I just got used to wording it so I don't have to argue with others lol.

kalikshama -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/5/2012 4:25:56 AM)
nvm

LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/5/2012 4:46:02 AM)
Well there you go, if nothing else then at least I've entertained you.

LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/5/2012 5:21:12 PM)
WARNING The following post may contain strongly expressed opinions. The author recognizes that these are her opinions, based on her definitions and worldview, and understands that they may not be applicable to anybody else. It is not the wish or intention of the author to imply in any way that her opinions, definitions, desired dynamic, relationship style, or worldview is in any way universally applicable, or that they constitute the only possible way of approaching the issue. It's interesting that none of the people who were so adamant that the OP's Dom was committing an outrageous breach of protocol have commented on the cuckholding thread, seeing as the OP clearly states that while in a monogamous relationship, the Domme unilaterally decided to open the relationship up and take outside lovers. Surely that constitutes ignoring limits, shouldn't you all be piously wringing your hands and condemning her for being such a terrible Domme? The preceding statement(s) represent the views and opinions of the author and the author alone, and should in no way be considered an attempt by the author to define or determine anything for anybody but herself.

NuevaVida -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/5/2012 10:22:24 PM)
~ Fast Reply ~ What a crazy-assed little thread. The OP answered her own (non) question by saying she needs to talk to him. I hope she did that, and I hoped it worked out well for her. For me, some of the requests would have strong reactions and some would not: * Lose weight. I'm already doing that, on my own. I've worked very hard to get a handle on my own eating disorder. Any time the Mister has tinkered with my diet, I've gained weight, which is not his purpose. The thing is, with a disorder like that, you compensate one area for another. It's taken a LOT Of work to self-manage. A game like Kana proposed would fuck me up. I simply needed to learn how to manage my food intake while still enjoying food, and to find an exercise I loved, so I could make it a priority to do. The Mister has been wonderfully supportive and encouraging. And while he'll say he wants such-n-such for dinner, I can always propose a healthy way of preparing it, and he's pretty much always agreed. * Tattoo. What's not a big deal to one person can be a huge deal to another. That's the beauty of us all being separate individuals. Just so happens the Mister hates tattoos so I won't be sporting any new ones. But to address the "hard limit" and a changed mind - - shit happens. People change their minds. The Mister has changed his mind about something he agreed to in the beginning. And you know what? I hate it. But he's putting in time, patience, energy, love and a lot of effort, to help me get to where he wants me to go. He's not simply asking me every so often, "So can we do this yet? Huh? Can we? Can we?" That would annoy the crap out of me. It's like Jeff said - investing in a relationship. The rewards come back ten-fold. * Promotion. It's been said already - nobody here knows what the promotion entails. I'd turn down a promotion if it meant using up more of my personal time. Money ain't everything to me. But we're all in different relationships, or have a history of different relationships, so we'll all come at this from various angles. Those who theorize rather than recite personal experiences don't have a lot of credence in my world, but hey it's an open forum so have at it. What I know is this - the Mister and I talk about everything. In our relationship, the health of the relationship comes first. Otherwise, what's the point? He's the pilot, I'm the co-pilot. I do push back on some things, and I totally comply on others. I'm sure it annoys him when I push back, but that just means he take a different approach - - kinda like what leaders do. [;)] Anyway, I hope the OP has worked things out.

kalikshama -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/6/2012 6:09:26 AM)
quote: It's interesting that none of the people who were so adamant that the OP's Dom was committing an outrageous breach of protocol have commented on the cuckholding thread, seeing as the OP clearly states that while in a monogamous relationship, the Domme unilaterally decided to open the relationship up and take outside lovers. Surely that constitutes ignoring limits, shouldn't you all be piously wringing your hands and condemning her for being such a terrible Domme? We may have had different comments when she had first opened up the relationship but by the time of the post he was not conflicted about it: Interestingly, I found that my new situation created a strange new flood of emotions in me. I felt betrayed and humiliated. But I also felt aroused. Her newly declared sexual freedom, and my acceptance of it made me feel more submitted than I had ever felt before. I stopped seeing it as "cheating", and grew to accept that as the dominant partner, she had the right to maintain her sexual freedom. I also started realizing that accepting it constituted a greater form of service and submission on my part.

LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/6/2012 10:02:10 AM)
WARNING The following post may contain strongly expressed opinions. The author recognises that these are her opinions, based on her definitions and worldview and understands that they may not be applicable to anybody else. It is not the wish or intention of the author to imply in any way that her opinio0ns, definitions, desired dynamic, relationship style, or world view is in any way universally applicabler, or that they constitute the only possible way of approaching the issue. That's a deft side-step. Have you considered a career in politics? His lack of personal conflict and eventual acceptance of the situation doesn't change the fact that what she actually did is exactly what this guy is being denigrated for wanting to do. Note that he wants to do it, he hasn't done it. If he is so very wrong for wanting to, surely she is more so for actually doing it. Where is your outrage? The preceding statement represents the views and opinions of the author and the author alone, and should in no way be considered an attempt by the author to define or determine anything for anybody but herself.

SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/6/2012 9:07:35 PM)
Because its quite simple, ill try to spell it out for you.. He found it acceptable in his relationship with her... the op does not... Regardless of what happens, it is all about consent, he consented, regardless of how sleazy she went about it, he accepted it, the op, has not accepted it.....

dublinemma -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/6/2012 9:40:10 PM)
I don't think the requests are unreasonable whatsoever. For me, this is what I would hope for out of a D/s relationship but I'm interested in giving up control. It depends on whether or not the OP is interested in that, when she refers to him as Master is that just a name she uses or does she really mean it. I do think that if she really meant it then she would consider his requests. In terms of the weight issue, she mentioned she's part of weight watchers and they won't allow you join if you don't need to lose at least 10 pounds as far as I can remember. The promotion I have to agree with everyone else, it would be really stupid to turn it down. I'd like to hear more detail on how he went about this, did he literally one day say lose weight now etc etc or was there a discussion, any reasoning behind the request. It's all about the communication, it could be as simple as he's afraid that she won't have as much time if she gets a promotion. The tattoo thing i thought these relationships were about pushing limits, after 3 years together would you not kind of hope you'd at least touched on some things that were before a no no! I think hoping that after a certain length of time she might be willing to change her mind on a tattoo isn't so horrifying!

LoreBook -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/7/2012 7:34:02 AM)
WARNING The following post may contain strongly expressed opinions. The author recognizes that these are her opinions, based on her definitions and worldview and understands that they may not be applicable to anybody else. It is not the wish or intention of the author to imply in any way that her opinions, definitions, desired dynamic, relationship style, or world view is in any way universally applicable, or that they constitute the only possible way of approaching the issue. Allow me to spell it out to you, I'll go slowly for you. He. Did. Not. Find. It. Acceptable. At. First. It. Was. Only. Later. After. The. Fact. That. He. Did. Hopefully, you will grasp the significance of that. The preceding statement represents the views and opinions of the author and the author alone, and should in no way be considered an attempt by the author to define or determine anything for anybody but herself.

poise -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/7/2012 8:36:09 AM)
Since the OP hasn't returned since she made this thread, let's assume it was a happy ever after. She lost weight, and to celebrate she got a tattoo that says Kana's Weight Loss Club" She was so focussed on her weight loss regimen that she no longer cared about her career, and resigned.

littlewonder -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/7/2012 9:04:33 AM)
lol that's funny Kana's Weight Loss Regime. I wonder if I can market that. Master, I think we may have a plan....<wrings hands in that greedy little way>muwahuhu

SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/7/2012 9:54:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LoreBook WARNING The following post may contain strongly expressed opinions. The author recognizes that these are her opinions, based on her definitions and worldview and understands that they may not be applicable to anybody else. It is not the wish or intention of the author to imply in any way that her opinions, definitions, desired dynamic, relationship style, or world view is in any way universally applicable, or that they constitute the only possible way of approaching the issue. Allow me to spell it out to you, I'll go slowly for you. He. Did. Not. Find. It. Acceptable. At. First. It. Was. Only. Later. After. The. Fact. That. He. Did. Hopefully, you will grasp the significance of that. The preceding statement represents the views and opinions of the author and the author alone, and should in no way be considered an attempt by the author to define or determine anything for anybody but herself. Gods you just arent worth the gold bordered letter, taking your comments at all seriously when you post a porn stars picture is beyond difficult... Enjoy....

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: He wants me to change....? (3/7/2012 11:27:02 AM)
Using FR: Jeff's observation (a few pages back) that the OP's dom is overdrawn on the relationship bank is quite accurate, in my opinion. By her own words: It is just getting to much to handle now, I just feel like I love him, but will never be what he wants me to be. Maybe he just wants me to be a skinny girl, that always says yes, and stays at home all day. Her self esteem appears to be plummeting, which to me is a sign that something is quite wrong. If you demand and need a certain level of submission, then you best be able to inspire that. Not everyone can, or wants to, be in that type of relationship.

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