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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 3:09:36 PM   
DommesLesEnigma


Posts: 108
Joined: 2/12/2012
Status: offline 		Ok I think this is a highly personal and complex question for a Dom/mes.

My answer is that it would be more on her side enjoying herself. But, it's complicated because my turn on is giving her what she wants and yearns for according to her kinks. In this way I am being selfish because I am more than getting what I want. Even when I am denying her I know that is to emphasize her feelings when I finally allow it. It is a control thing for me, just as much as it should be a giving of control thing for her.

The best example to me is the ying yang. My ying to her yang or vise versa. The trick to it is finding the correct ying to my yang. Some time it is an instant attraction sometimes it takes time. So the key is patience. If you take the time to screen carefully the question of who is enjoying themselves the most will never come up.

Dommes Les Enigma

< Message edited by DommesLesEnigma -- 2/28/2012 3:15:48 PM >

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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 3:34:52 PM   
MarchHare0289


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/24/2012
From: Alabama
Status: offline 		Kind of a quid pro quo thing from my opinion. I guess both sides get enjoyment from "play" or "activities". Whatever you want to call it. If it's consensual, I don't really think there is a way not to get at least some joy out of it, but when you start focusing on getting what you want over what they want, or vice versa, it starts becoming all work and no play for one of the people involved.

Very complicated question to answer because everybody is so different. I'm sure theres "I want this" subs out there, and there are "Please use me" subs out there. Everybody has their own way about them, so just have to find out what's right/wrong for you and yours.

(in reply to DommesLesEnigma)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 4:08:10 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		Definitely not one-sided. He wants me to be happy, just as I want him to be happy. Part of that is different for each of us because we hold different roles to each other--he is my Master, and I am his pet. As such, I feel fulfilled serving him and being owned by him; that is what makes me happy. He feels fulfilled being responsible for me and owning me; that's what makes him happy. And he always has our best interests--and thus, my best interests--at heart, even if a decision he makes for me or us isn't one I enjoy. And of course, I get fulfillment obeying him and doing what he wants regardless of whether I actually like the act itself, because at the heart of it I am serving and pleasing him.

Ultimately he wants me to be happy and enjoys seeing me have a good time. He cares about me, my well-being, my happiness, my comfort. He cares what I think, asks for my opinions, he is affectionate with me. He is the one with all the authority, but he does not see things as "all about him." In his mind, as he puts it: "A good leader doesn't eat until all his troops are fed." He enjoys that responsibility, that role. And he also likes to do nice things for me, to make me happy, just simply because he loves me. And it is the same for me. Our roles are just different. But we mesh well.

In the end, pretty much the only difference with us is where the authority lies--with him. And that complements the lack of authority on my side well because of what we like and what roles we are comfortable in. It all comes down to us giving to each other what the other needs. Mutual fulfillment. That is what relationships are about, but it can look incredibly different from at outside perspective based on what the individuals in each relationship want/need, and how they match up together.It's just whatever works for those involved.


< Message edited by RaspberryLemon -- 2/28/2012 4:24:05 PM >

(in reply to kitkat105)
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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 4:32:19 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:


People get so focused on the abstract, how it must be, the big bad 'what-ifs' that we create in our heads, that they miss the most blindingly obvious part......whatever a relationship is, is totally and only defined by the individuals actually IN the relationship. And really, that's all that matters.


Even though it seems to be a simple concept to say do things according to what works for you and your partner, I think it's hard for people to actually feel comfortable with forgoing boundaries. I think they actually come here to WIITWD to find boundaries.

< Message edited by Killerangel -- 2/28/2012 4:37:13 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 4:45:21 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I'll just throw something out there, since it seems to be getting a bit of screen time here....

Just a personal impression but when I hear that it's all about the dominant half, I get a mental picture of a sociopath who doesn't give a rat's arse about the sub...., errr...., victim's "enjoyment" or general well-being whatsoever. Ok, an outer extreme but I don't have a much better opinion of those who have to insulate themselves from closeness or intimacy with their subs, either. Cowardice wrapped in a cloak of dominance....

I'm a "control-freak" and have my needs, often sadistic needs, but I'm not an evil person or even a bad one. So yeah, a willing submissive to complement my special needs is a high value "asset", so of course I want her wanting more, too. I admit it; only a female submissive can fulfill all my primal and sexual needs. The right submissive, of course....

Focus.

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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 5:05:49 PM   
hangemhigh1953


Posts: 245
Joined: 7/8/2011
Status: offline 		Everyone has a different perspective on what constitutes Domination/submission. To some, it's sort of like a parent/child relationship in that the dominant person takes responsibility for the submissive and cares for them and pleases them. To others, the submissive is somewhat of a servant and works to please their master/mistress. My point is, it's not actions that constitute domination or submission, it's the intent and the frame of mind.

For example, once when my partner was sick, I mentioned how I wanted to tuck her in bed and make her soup and OJ, thinking I should serve and care for my Dominant. However, she saw it as relinquishing control and wasn't comfortable with it.

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when passion's a prison you can't break free"

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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 5:22:57 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		My Dom experience was one sided. i loved being giving, loved this new found side to me, but I also found I was waiting on my needs to be fulfilled, waiting for a reward that never transpired. It was all about him. I cant see anyone doing that for life going unfulfilled.There were lots of reasons the relationship needed to end, lots of variables. I know I made the right choice.
But the bare bones was even the best slave cant be denied forever. They need their needs met too. its unrealistic to think it will work otherwise.
Its really about finding a good dom the one matching your needs. It should be a relationship that gives you direction, not one that confuses you.
There is good using and bad using. One makes you feel good, and the other makes you a fool.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 2/28/2012 5:24:17 PM >

(in reply to hangemhigh1953)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 5:32:51 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
I know I made the right choice.
You were dumped by your dominant because your husband and dominant had a power struggle. You did not make the choice to end the relationship.


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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 5:42:02 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
I know I made the right choice.
You were dumped by your dominant because your husband and dominant had a power struggle. You did not make the choice to end the relationship.



No he tried to come back, told me it wasnt that simple I had a collar around my neck now. We needed to be very careful. I said no its over it is that simple. I am going to make the right choice not matter how much it hurts. I woke up and thought of my kids.
I can see if ones are being met a bsdm relationship can be one of the most beautiful in the world. BUt what Focus said above is true. About dealing with a sociopath and them not giving a rats ass about the slaves needs, thats what I dealt with. I was a ATM machine, a cum bucket, a cleaning lady, and completely denied for anything I did. Its even hurt me for some sick reason to leave him but I did it and its final.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 5:49:47 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sexually, his big kink is forced orgasms. So I guess you could say it's all about me. But the truth is we both enjoy it. Play for us is just that. It's probably the one way he isn't in control. He wants it to be fun for both of us.

The rest of the time it's about him first 60 -70 percent of the time. He goes bowling twice a week and I have to come along and write down his stats for him. He goes down to practice and I have to come along because he wants company on the ride. Me picking up his dirty socks is all about him. Trust me on that one.


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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 6:06:41 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
I know I made the right choice.
You were dumped by your dominant because your husband and dominant had a power struggle. You did not make the choice to end the relationship.



No he tried to come back, told me it wasnt that simple I had a collar around my neck now. We needed to be very careful. I said no its over it is that simple. I am going to make the right choice not matter how much it hurts. I woke up and thought of my kids.
I can see if ones are being met a bsdm relationship can be one of the most beautiful in the world. BUt what Focus said above is true. About dealing with a sociopath and them not giving a rats ass about the slaves needs, thats what I dealt with. I was a ATM machine, a cum bucket, a cleaning lady, and completely denied for anything I did. Its even hurt me for some sick reason to leave him but I did it and its final.


And just 5 days ago were telling us all how you were a true slave and shitting all over us and our relationships.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 6:20:26 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsT301

Hi, I'm new here. This question is for the dominant men/women. Is it important to you that your sub enjoy themselves, or do you come first? I mean I guess in a way they are enjoying themselves anyway by serving you. I could see for some people that might be kind of one sided maybe? Especially stuff like teasing/chastity play. Then again maybe I'm wrong because if someone does those things it must be because they enjoy it on some level as a sub. Otherwise they wouldn't do it.


On a sexual context, I find my sexuality frankly terribly boring. My sub/slave's sexuality is much more fun, whether it's tease-and-denial or forced orgasms... actually, see if you can try them back to back, then you'll understand better when I say tease and chastity are methods of toying with your sexuality, not denying it.

Long term chastity, on the other hand, I tend to look upon as a form of meditation, a means of teaching the sub/slave to separate between his carnal instincts and everything else, a tool for teaching focus and discipline.

In a non-sexual context, it matters to me that the sub/slave is willing to serve me. I won't say happy, since not every situation is meant to be so. But at the end of the day, it matters to me that it is something you chose of your own accord to do. Willing slaves/subs equal better service.

(in reply to MrsT301)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 6:24:10 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
I know I made the right choice.
You were dumped by your dominant because your husband and dominant had a power struggle. You did not make the choice to end the relationship.



No he tried to come back, told me it wasnt that simple I had a collar around my neck now. We needed to be very careful. I said no its over it is that simple. I am going to make the right choice not matter how much it hurts. I woke up and thought of my kids.
I can see if ones are being met a bsdm relationship can be one of the most beautiful in the world. BUt what Focus said above is true. About dealing with a sociopath and them not giving a rats ass about the slaves needs, thats what I dealt with. I was a ATM machine, a cum bucket, a cleaning lady, and completely denied for anything I did. Its even hurt me for some sick reason to leave him but I did it and its final.


And just 5 days ago were telling us all how you were a true slave and shitting all over us and our relationships.



I was the ultimate slave....I GOT NOTHING...Im not shittiing on anyone right now. I was responding to a question and you werent the one asking it.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 6:30:48 PM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		since when did being used and trashed mean being an ultimate slave?

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Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 6:36:57 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
I know I made the right choice.
You were dumped by your dominant because your husband and dominant had a power struggle. You did not make the choice to end the relationship.



No he tried to come back, told me it wasnt that simple I had a collar around my neck now. We needed to be very careful. I said no its over it is that simple. I am going to make the right choice not matter how much it hurts. I woke up and thought of my kids.
I can see if ones are being met a bsdm relationship can be one of the most beautiful in the world. BUt what Focus said above is true. About dealing with a sociopath and them not giving a rats ass about the slaves needs, thats what I dealt with. I was a ATM machine, a cum bucket, a cleaning lady, and completely denied for anything I did. Its even hurt me for some sick reason to leave him but I did it and its final.


And just 5 days ago were telling us all how you were a true slave and shitting all over us and our relationships.



I was the ultimate slave....I GOT NOTHING...Im not shittiing on anyone right now. I was responding to a question and you werent the one asking it.


My point being that you have swung so far back and forth in the last month that you've contradicted yourself once again.

Five days ago you said a true slave served expecting nothing in return.

Now, you're saying something different and trying to paint it as something else.

Mitt Romney flip flops less and I would take everything you say with a grain of salt.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 6:38:51 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

since when did being used and trashed mean being an ultimate slave?



Trust me its sarcastic.

(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 6:48:52 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		here we go.

I will just say this. I think a true pure slave is just that. THey will give of themselves unselfishly without expecting a thing in return. Can I do that continously? Hell no. Im human I want a pay back. I did it for months.
Hell yah I flip flopped, I went thru a hell of an experience. Pretty close if not brainwashed. I was trying to shake the shit off, which I have now. It was a painful experience still is. ANything i went thru is normal behavior for confusion in a screwed up situation.

You got to see the raw behavior. The abuse of power by a Dom.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 2/28/2012 6:51:51 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 7:09:04 PM   
Hotch


Posts: 267
Joined: 5/13/2004
Status: offline 		I'm the one who takes control. I'm judge, jury and executioner. It's not by choice, it's just the way it is. Is it all about me? Nope, not in the slightest. I'm considerate, caring and empathetic. SOOoo... when we "play", it may seem to an observer that I'm a narcissistic, sadistic, misogynist, but in reality I'm giving my partner what she wants and I'm enjoying both the power and the intensity of the dynamic. Simple?

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Dont worry about avoiding temptation because as you get older, temptation will avoid YOU.

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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 7:25:24 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

here we go.

I will just say this. I think a true pure slave is just that. THey will give of themselves unselfishly without expecting a thing in return. Can I do that continously? Hell no. Im human I want a pay back. I did it for months.
Hell yah I flip flopped, I went thru a hell of an experience. Pretty close if not brainwashed. I was trying to shake the shit off, which I have now. It was a painful experience still is. ANything i went thru is normal behavior for confusion in a screwed up situation.

You got to see the raw behavior. The abuse of power by a Dom.


You gave full consent to what you're now calling abuse. There was no brainwashing involved.
At times you ridiculed everyone for seeing issues in your situation, and other times you wanted to be consoled. Sometimes your former Dom was painted as wonderful and everything you could ask for and who knew you so well that he could do exactly what was needed to rein you in, then of course there were the times when you didn't approve of him or his methods. You said just recently that the Dom cut things off, now here you are saying it was you. Today you say you woke up and thought of the kids, before we were told over and over how the kids lives were great and everyone was better off if you were free to pursue things with another man. The husband was supposedly on board and then it was him who lead to things being cut off between you and the Dom.

None of this is normal for confusion in a screwed up situation. For a painful experience you sure were loving it at the time - you even went back to the guy. How much you want to bet that you'd go back again if he wanted it? But you can't since he's the one who cut it off.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 7:51:23 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I came on this thread to post about the topic and all you want to do is chase me berate me. Stay on topic.

Your annoying chick. Take a hitch and take your obsession elsewhere. Its obvious who its screwing with who now. GOT A MIRROR?


I am moving on from my thread, I suggest you do too.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 2/28/2012 7:59:04 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 40
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