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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 8:18:59 PM   
Casteele


Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline 		It isn't about me.
It isn't about her.
It's about us.


(in reply to MrsT301)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 10:26:05 PM   
SaharahEve


Posts: 231
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Casteele

It isn't about me.
It isn't about her.
It's about us.


Puke.

_____________________________

Saharah


S a h a r a h E v e . c o m

nanshakh.com



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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 10:39:34 PM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		I agree with Casteele, its about us both, if im not getting anything enjoyable out of it, im simply not going to stay... if he isnt fulfilling my needs in a manner that i need, im not going to stay...

I dont think onesided relationships last very long because eventually the submissive gets tired of not being fulfilled and happy and finds someone who can...

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/28/2012 10:48:09 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		The authority is one-sided, but the desire to make each other happy goes both ways. My enjoyment of any particular thing is secondary, but it's really important to him that I'm satisfied with our relationship and dynamic.

< Message edited by graceadieu -- 2/28/2012 10:49:03 PM >

(in reply to MrsT301)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 5:43:11 AM   
hellionsLight


Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline 		You have to get something in return for it, even if it's just hating it but loving the look on your partner's face. I don't understand doing it for no reason.

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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 6:16:53 AM   
VideoAdminGamma


Posts: 2233
Status: offline 		Fast reply

This is the last public reminder to the few that are hijacking topics with a particular issue. Stop hijacking topics with the off topic comments related to an issue from other topics.

Thank you for your contribution to the forums,
VideoAdminGamma

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RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 7:11:04 AM   
LizDeluxe


Posts: 687
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
Not for me. I don't require their enjoyment, just their consent. If they enjoy it as well, I don't begrudge it but if I see they are enjoying things too much and it distracts my focus, I'll change things up so it's not quite so enjoyable.


This.

I could not have put it better if I had tried.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 7:23:09 AM   
Kainundeva


Posts: 79
Joined: 2/12/2012
Status: offline 		MY girl is hardly getting an orgasm when she is not blindfolded, bound and mistreated.
Normal sex is just boring for her, and she keeps thinking about other stuff... like bills, and so on.
before i appeared she hardly had an orgasm when having normal sex, with nobody.

Only when she is helpless and Blindfolded, her mind goes blank and she starts to feel.
Then i have to create tension... a little pain, a gentle touch here, a stroke there, some toys, a bit more pain... and she´s very easy distracted if you do things at the wrong time, then you can start from scratch...
It takes a lot of really creative work to get her there, and i enjoy that work...

For my part, I do enjoy controlling her. i take all control off her, and I play on her like on an instrument. It turns me on how her body looks when shackled, i am very visual. I love the little muffled sounds she makes when gagged, i know that she hates it when she is getting wet, and therefore i love to see her dripping and not being able to stop it...
I love making patterns with the cane. looks good.
it is simply that she is enjoying sex only when she cannot be held responsible for it... i provide that, and i like it. win/win.

(in reply to kitkat105)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 8:32:25 AM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsT301

Hi, I'm new here. This question is for the dominant men/women. Is it important to you that your sub enjoy themselves, or do you come first? I mean I guess in a way they are enjoying themselves anyway by serving you. I could see for some people that might be kind of one sided maybe? Especially stuff like teasing/chastity play. Then again maybe I'm wrong because if someone does those things it must be because they enjoy it on some level as a sub. Otherwise they wouldn't do it.


As I think about this thread more, I do want to say this. I think the level of enjoyment that someone gets from any given part of a relationship can differ from their partner (again, no different from the vanilla world). But overall in a relationship it must be a two-way street. If there is no enjoyment whatsoever from the submissive for any aspect of the overall relationship, one does have to wonder why they are there. And a relationship entails many different things: sex, social life, emotional support, financial support, housework, child rearing, care of aging parents, etc. etc. etc. If every single dimension is one-sided and the submissive receives absolutely nothing on any dimension, it really does beg the question of why.

As open-minded as I am about adults defining for themselves what they find to be a self-fulfilling relationship, if a submissive friend came to me and said, I am the sole bread winner of the household, I do all the housework, I do all childcare, I take care of both sets of aging parents, I receive no orgasms or any other enjoyment from sex, I am never taken out by my partner, I am not held out to the world as their spouse/partner, I am monogamous but my partner is not, there is no hand-holding, kissing or other signs of affection, I am not told I am cared for or loved, etc., you know, at some point, I would feel compelled to ask, then why?


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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 8:45:18 AM   
Kainundeva


Posts: 79
Joined: 2/12/2012
Status: offline 		well said.

to put it this way: if a 20 years old model marries a 70 years old millionaire it is also two-sided... financial security for her, something nice to ... well, fuck? for him.
so, why should it be different? there must be a reason for the sub to stay, there is SOMETHING she is receiving. else she would not be there.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 5:54:05 PM   
Casteele


Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SaharahEve
quote:

ORIGINAL: Casteele
It isn't about me.
It isn't about her.
It's about us.

Puke.

Elaborate? Why did you feel the need to respond with such a response?

Seriously, I had originally typed more, but then decided to give those simple words a chance to stand on their own, and see how deeply others would look in to them and what they would see. What do you see in them?

(in reply to SaharahEve)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 5:58:30 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Casteele
Elaborate? Why did you feel the need to respond with such a response?

Aw come on. Surely you understand that there is a sizeable segment of the crowd for whom love stinks and an even more sizeable segment that equates it with weakness.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Casteele)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 6:05:42 PM   
Casteele


Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline 		Excellent response, Kainundeva, you've said some thing I've often thought but had difficulty expressing myself. Many of the subs I've talked to have expressed a similar rationale for being submissive. I've even seen it in many comments on the forum here.. How many subs have expressed their need to have their environment be controlled, safe, secure? How many times have I seen something written along the lines of how they must have complete trust and respect for another before they'll submit and let go? I see it as a dichotomy; One the one hand, they need to have a safe and secure environment, which can only be obtained by total control of their environment. One the other hand, they need to let go of control to allow themselves to be free to just enjoy the moment without having to spend all their energy controlling it.

But, although related, perhaps it's a topic for another thread.


(in reply to Kainundeva)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 6:16:28 PM   
Casteele


Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Aw come on. Surely you understand that there is a sizeable segment of the crowd for whom love stinks and an even more sizeable segment that equates it with weakness.

Indeed, I'll not argue that. But there was no love or romance, or anything along those lines, in my post. So where did it come from?

(And yes, I knew some people would indeed read it that way, introducing the lovey-dovey, mushy, romantic, being cute and poetic crap in to my words, rather than think about what I'm really saying..)

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 6:30:07 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Let me try to put it differently. I think your sin was treading dangerously close to the edges of reality.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Casteele)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Is it one-sided? - 2/29/2012 6:31:27 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Casteele

quote:

ORIGINAL: SaharahEve
quote:

ORIGINAL: Casteele
It isn't about me.
It isn't about her.
It's about us.

Puke.

Elaborate? Why did you feel the need to respond with such a response?

Seriously, I had originally typed more, but then decided to give those simple words a chance to stand on their own, and see how deeply others would look in to them and what they would see. What do you see in them?



While I didn't "feel the need to" respond to this... I have to confess that "Puke" was my instantaneous reaction.

Let me explain why.... Your use of italics kind of sets it up... I'm preparing for some real zen wisdom or something... then you state the fucking obvious.

Read it over with a really cheesy accent.... I mean that the kind of shit that rappers have been saying to their bitches for ever.

That isn't to say that the sentiment isn't spot on... because it is.

And yes, yours is the most succinct response.

But fuck me if it isn't about the cheesiest thing I've seen written here on the boards.

I mean... dude... even Barry White would have been embarrassed to sing that.

But... but... you're absolutely right.


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Casteele)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Is it one-sided? - 3/1/2012 1:47:52 AM   
Casteele


Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline 		heh.. good points and all.. but I guess I didn't come off as I had hoped.

What exactly is a relationship? To my mind, it takes two (or more) entities to form any kind of relationship. (Okay, excluding those who practice self-love :-P) Can there be "one-sided" relationships? I do not think that it's possible. I think what is possible, and what people mean, is that people can get in to a relationship thinking and expecting it to be something that it is not. Additionally, when people talk about romantic interpersonal relationships, I tend to sense an expectation that there is some kind of exchange expected from the other in the relationship. I think that is what the OP is trying to understand; What is it that both sides are getting from each other.

In my experiences, I've seen some relationships that I've personally found odd, but they have also shifted a lot of my thought about relationships off of the people involved in such relationships and more on to the relationship itself. Look at some of the people who stay in marriages without love. They don't get much of anything _directly_ from their partner, but they get something they want from the relationship itself. What one person wants and needs doesn't necessarily have a direct link or exchange to what the other wants/needs.

So there is part of my rationale behind my thinking. The relationship is not about point A or point B, but rather about how A relates to B; The relationship is about the relationship itself. Hope I'm making myself clear..


(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Is it one-sided? - 3/1/2012 3:13:27 AM   
SoulAlloy


Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline 		I must admit this topic I struggle with sometimes, although actually the opposite way around.

I still find it amazing that there are people who will happily tie up/'abuse'/boss me around and sometimes in my lower moments worry that they aren't enjoying it on the same level that I am. From there it spirals and it takes a while to kick myself out of it.

Mutual enjoyment is important to me, though conversely I get a subby kick out of being made to do something I don't want to and seeing the look of pride on my partner's face.

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

(in reply to Casteele)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Is it one-sided? - 3/1/2012 7:29:42 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I personally feel this post is noteworthy since this may, in fact, be the first time I've disagreed with you in all the posts I've ever seen you make. Sheez, it's almost a relief somehow LOL.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Is it one-sided? - 3/1/2012 7:39:40 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kainundeva

well said.

to put it this way: if a 20 years old model marries a 70 years old millionaire it is also two-sided... financial security for her, something nice to ... well, fuck? for him.
so, why should it be different? there must be a reason for the sub to stay, there is SOMETHING she is receiving. else she would not be there.


Unfortunately, for some people what they receive is confirmation of an inner believe that nothing is all they deserve. And others because they get to tell themselves how saintly they are and how evil their partner is, martyr complex.

But Casteele is right, it should be about the relationship. Which sometimes means that neither of you get what you want, instead you get what the relationship needs.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Kainundeva)
Profile   Post #: 60
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