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RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 11:08:17 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		If your husband had been in a horrible accident, leaving him disfigured, would you feel you were justified to "seek fufillment" outside your marriage?

If you are really "repulsed" by him, then do him a favor and leave.  Cheating on him doesn't make things better, and is a very selfish thing to do.

There is no justification in either biblical or societal morals for being deceptive and violating the marriage contract.

As others have already said, rather than divorce, you could simply separate for a while. 

(in reply to nashsub4fun)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 11:16:56 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		Lemme get this straight...

You have been married for 12 years.
You are not Lifestyle compatible.
You are ignored in your own home.
You are not in love with him.
You are not sexually attracted to him.
You are embarrassed to be seen in public with him.
He repulses you.
He smells
He demonstrates no desire to change.
He is not receptive to your attempts to improve the marriage.
He is setting an apathetic example for your little girl.

My advice is to stop the affair, stop looking for on-line validation and start looking for a divorce lawyer.

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(in reply to nashsub4fun)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 11:48:37 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		If he is weighing in over 4 bucks, I wouldnt worry about it too much longer - he's going to die soon. That sounds harsh - but thats more often times than not the outcome of that drastic amt. of weight on someone.



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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to nashsub4fun)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:00:15 PM   
slaverachel2Him


Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun

My apologizes if this has been addressed at another time.

i am married to a very vanilla man who is not interested in the lifestyle so i get my needs met away from home. For the past few months, i have been in a long distance M/s relationship with frequent times together. i know what i am doing is no different than having a vanilla affair so that part is wrong. What i struggle with is the idea that i am not getting my vanilla/lifestyle needs met at home and trying not to feel guilty because i get ignored at home. i love my husband but am not "in live" with him and not sexually attracted to him. Not only am i not sexually attracted, but i am repulsed by him. During our 12 year marriage he has gained more than 250 pounds and now weighs in excess of 400 pounds. There is nothing there for me. If you have every known someone morbidly obese, you are aware of all that includes.....body odors, public stares, secondary health issues, etc....

He is not interested in changing and i am not interested in a divorce but i want my needs met! i have tried numerous occasions during our marriage to address this issue with him but nothing works. i've tried, crying, yelling, begging, pulling out the parent card, pulling out the "if you love me and our daughter" card, and even scripture. Nothing works. I know his weight has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me, our daughter, or his parents enough but if he loves himself enough. Obviously, he does not. The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing". That is when i made up my mind to search elsewhere for my fulfillment.

i struggle with the idea that i am committing adultery although some would validate it because of my husband's lack of care for himself.


Thanks for letting me rant this morning - I just needed to get that off my chest.


You both might benefit from some marriage counseling. His weight is going to cause increased problems making him more and more disabled and it is something that is preventable. i personally know a few women who are morbidly obese and they recognize it as a defensive measure to avoid sexual attention. Perhaps he has that problem. A LOT of people have sexual inhibitions but it seems so ridiculous that they won't consider that they are affecting them. i don't know about here but on FL there are Christian groups. You might try looking through the groups here.

Why are you not interested in divorce? Is it financial concerns Your daughter?
It seems like it is going to happen sooner or later. M/s need is beyond sexual only, and not having it at home is going to add to the dissatisfaction. If he is submissive or egalitarian it might be part of the repulsion.

The other angle is if he refuses to go to counseling, and you still don't want a divorce, then talk to him and let him know you plan to seek outside relationship since he is not interested in a relationship other than platonic. He is not your Master. You CAN as some do- remain friends, roommates, share finances or maintain a household for a child's sake, but have other lives as well. Discuss the non sexual aspects and the sexual aspects.


< Message edited by slaverachel2Him -- 3/18/2012 12:01:30 PM >

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(in reply to nashsub4fun)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:10:20 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

If he is weighing in over 4 bucks, I wouldnt worry about it too much longer - he's going to die soon. That sounds harsh - but thats more often times than not the outcome of that drastic amt. of weight on someone.





Maybe he gained all that weight because he doesn't want to fuck her either.

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:18:39 PM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline 		hmm, about the divorce

the most likely circumstance i can guess here, barring a religious one, is that he's rich and she plans to get all his stuff when he has a heart attack very soon.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:21:19 PM   
Hotch


Posts: 267
Joined: 5/13/2004
Status: offline 		Go find someone to satisfy you. If you want to stay with the guy... Stay with the guy. Why should you care what others think? You're gonna end up old and withered and resenting yourself for wasting your life. The worst thing you could do would be to let others (especially nameless, faceless Internet posters) tell you how to live your life.

BTW, this has NOTHING to do with bdsm.

< Message edited by Hotch -- 3/18/2012 12:23:42 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:23:54 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
It could be - it could be for a variety of reasons under the sun - who knows. But with that much weight on the human frame (400+) carries with it health problems where humans more often than not dont live into old age. I see things like that as a ticking time bomb.

You can only ruin your body for so long before it cant take it anymore.

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

If he is weighing in over 4 bucks, I wouldnt worry about it too much longer - he's going to die soon. That sounds harsh - but thats more often times than not the outcome of that drastic amt. of weight on someone.





Maybe he gained all that weight because he doesn't want to fuck her either.



_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:25:29 PM   
orchid77


Posts: 125
Joined: 5/20/2011
Status: offline 		To the OP, LIVE YOUR TRUTH. No one in this room can answer the deep question but yourself. What does your gut feeling tell you and follow it. Because no one is going to live with whatever decision you make but yourself. Christian or not...live your truth.

(in reply to Hotch)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:26:43 PM   
Hotch


Posts: 267
Joined: 5/13/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako

hmm, about the divorce

the most likely circumstance i can guess here, barring a religious one, is that he's rich and she plans to get all his stuff when he has a heart attack very soon.


And deserving of every penny for the time she's spent with Jabba the Hutt

_____________________________

Dont worry about avoiding temptation because as you get older, temptation will avoid YOU.

(in reply to Nanako)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 12:28:57 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

If your husband had been in a horrible accident, leaving him disfigured, would you feel you were justified to "seek fufillment" outside your marriage?
But he hasn't been in an accident. He's in a situation of his own making and he's not willing to even attempt to gain control of that situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun
The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing".




_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 1:59:21 PM   
MsSylverdawn


Posts: 147
Joined: 9/26/2011
Status: offline 		You all dont know whats wrong with this man.. god talk about Haters.... god forbide someone should get fat .. you all have no clue about the disease of obesity... live in compassion people..

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 2:06:52 PM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		You justify having an affair but think it's wrong to get a divorce?!

Sympathy factor: ZERO.

Be an adult. Do what's best for you & your children.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 2:07:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Just because you want all this doesn't mean he is obligated to do so also. If you knew you wanted this prior to the marriage and didn't tell him, then you helped set up a situation where you married someone you weren't compatible with.

As far as everything else, I would first insist he goes to the doctor. Being fat doesn't prevent you from showering. If he's unwashed, then that as well as the eating disorders would indicate that he's seriously depressed. Depressed people aren't able to do anything for anyone else. If it is depression, then he needs medication and therapy. First step is a physical. You go along and tell the doctor everything he isn't.

If this is being caused by an illness, then I'd wait to see if treatment helps. Because maybe once he's feeling better and dealing with his issues, your attitude will change.

If it doesn't, or if he flatly refuses to get help, then I'd leave. I wouldn't want to model for my kids that this is the appropriate way to handle problems. Nor that that's all I deserve in life. Right now, you aren't teaching them the greatest things through your actions. I also suggest you go talk to a family therapist on how to handle all of this so your children do as well as possible. Because they're suffering with a father who won't play with them, won't interact with them, doesn't show love. And they deserve more than that.


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 2:50:46 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSylverdawn

You all dont know whats wrong with this man.. god talk about Haters.... god forbide someone should get fat .. you all have no clue about the disease of obesity... live in compassion people..


I've fought my weight my entire life. I have a genetic syndrome that made me insulin resistant by the end of puberty. So, don't bother telling me that I have no idea about obesity. I live every day conscious of what I'm putting my mouth.

It's not that he's fat, it's that he's not willing to even try to get a handle on the situation that makes the difference.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MsSylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 2:56:13 PM   
MsSylverdawn


Posts: 147
Joined: 9/26/2011
Status: offline 		Im sorry you have a disease that makes weight an issue for you.. but again you dont know whats wrong with him..

Say someone who was supposed to love and cherish you said.. man up dollface.. eat less .. you fat ass.. oh yeah thats all about being a supportive caring partner.. We have no clue about him.. just her.. and her ethical moral imperative to get what she wants fuck who else she walks over on the way ..

I have a husband who has stood beside me through major crisis..I shudder to think what it would have been like if my lifepartner was such as she.... thank god I found a good one

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 3:09:29 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'd recommend seeing if he'll go to a doctor to see if he has a glandular imbalance. If he won't go or if he doesn't have a medical issue, then you;ve pretty much stated that there's nothing in the marriage for you. Unless you like being the victim.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MsSylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 3:14:18 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		why the hell would this woman want to support someone who obviously doesnt give a fuck? But that being said, she doesnt seem to give a fuck about herself or her children. Just her religion and sex needs.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSylverdawn

Im sorry you have a disease that makes weight an issue for you.. but again you dont know whats wrong with him..

Say someone who was supposed to love and cherish you said.. man up dollface.. eat less .. you fat ass.. oh yeah thats all about being a supportive caring partner.. We have no clue about him.. just her.. and her ethical moral imperative to get what she wants fuck who else she walks over on the way ..

I have a husband who has stood beside me through major crisis..I shudder to think what it would have been like if my lifepartner was such as she.... thank god I found a good one



_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to MsSylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 3:14:54 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun

My apologizes if this has been addressed at another time.

i am married to a very vanilla man who is not interested in the lifestyle so i get my needs met away from home. For the past few months, i have been in a long distance M/s relationship with frequent times together. i know what i am doing is no different than having a vanilla affair so that part is wrong. What i struggle with is the idea that i am not getting my vanilla/lifestyle needs met at home and trying not to feel guilty because i get ignored at home. i love my husband but am not "in live" with him and not sexually attracted to him. Not only am i not sexually attracted, but i am repulsed by him. During our 12 year marriage he has gained more than 250 pounds and now weighs in excess of 400 pounds. There is nothing there for me. If you have every known someone morbidly obese, you are aware of all that includes.....body odors, public stares, secondary health issues, etc....

He is not interested in changing and i am not interested in a divorce but i want my needs met! i have tried numerous occasions during our marriage to address this issue with him but nothing works. i've tried, crying, yelling, begging, pulling out the parent card, pulling out the "if you love me and our daughter" card, and even scripture. Nothing works. I know his weight has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me, our daughter, or his parents enough but if he loves himself enough. Obviously, he does not. The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing". That is when i made up my mind to search elsewhere for my fulfillment.

i struggle with the idea that i am committing adultery although some would validate it because of my husband's lack of care for himself.


Thanks for letting me rant this morning - I just needed to get that off my chest.

Personally, the whole thing out of this whole mess that repulses me is you.

I want, I want, I want, I want...that's all you have said here. You sound like a two year old in the middle of a tantrum. 50 years old (according to your profile)...what kind of an example are you setting for your 'daughter'? Teaching her how to use threats to get what she wants, teaching her how to cheat on a husband, and showing her that when you don't get what you want, it's ok to look elsewhere for it.

You are one hell of a piece of work.

_____________________________

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(in reply to nashsub4fun)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 3:39:48 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSylverdawn

Im sorry you have a disease that makes weight an issue for you.. but again you dont know whats wrong with him..



The point is that even he doesn't know what's wrong with him because he's not willing to do anything about it. He's not going to the doctor to find out what's wrong. He's not willing to even try. He's slowly killing himself by doing nothing.

I'm not suggesting she's a Girl Scout. What I'm suggesting is if he has gained 250lbs with no attempt to gain control, then that is on him.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MsSylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 40
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