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RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 2:14:41 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun

As you said, that boat has sailed. I have given up hoping he will change and as bad
as this sounds....I just want everything to be over with soon and as painless for him
as possible. It breaks my heart to watch him suffer. My hope is that it is a heart attack
that will take him very quickly and he does not feel anymore pain. He is suffering enough.

I know I'm going to catch crap for that statement.

You don't want to divorce him because of the pain it will cause his parents, but you wish
he would hurry up and die? What a heartless, selfish thing to say about someone you
chose to honor. May karma kindly bite you in the cunt.

_____________________________

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(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 81

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 2:23:14 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun

WOW! Seemed like I fired up quite a few people. I appreciate all of your comments and have a few of my own as a general reply.

2. I do not want a divorce, not because of religious reasons, but because I do not want to hurt his parents (who are elderly and we share their care), we would both lose financially, and the guilt of knowing he is living alone and getting worse would eat at me.

You can still help care for his parents if you chose to.

Can you manage financially if you were to move out?
If not then you are using him.

By staying there to take care of your husband, you are enabling him.
If nothing changes, then nothing will change.
Don't stay there and wait for him to die.
Obesity can take a long time to kill someone.

Perhaps you could check out a Codependents Anonymous group.

Your dominant partner is in a similar circumstance; that doesn't make it better...it is just 2 sets of lies instead of one.

You began the thread mentioning "Christianity"; it was important enough to put in the title.
Now you say it is immaterial.

Which is it?
Your personal religious beliefs don't matter to me, but at the end of the day you are the one who is going to have to live with the person in the mirror.

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(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 82

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 2:29:30 PM

LunaM

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
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To the OP
You don't want a divorce because you don't want to hurt his parents? Divorce hurts a lot of people but that's the way it goes. If you have tried and you have also emotionally checked out as he has, do both of you a favour and call it quits. Cheating is in no way an ok outlet for something you aren't getting at home. Make damn sure you can't get it at home before you go elsewhere. As you have already cheated, this nullifies any santicty of your marriage, you realize this right? So what do you have left to defend?
Nothing.

_____________________________

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(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 83

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 3:20:13 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun

WOW! Seemed like I fired up quite a few people. I appreciate all of your comments and have a few of my own as a general reply.

1. I have tried numerous times in the past 8-10 years to get him to see what his weight is doing to himself, his health, our daughter, me, his parents, our marriage, and his career. His parents, daughter, doctor, and family therapist have also tried. He is not interested in making a change nor finding the root of the problem. As one person commented, "how many times do I beat my had against a wall"?

2. I do not want a divorce, not because of religious reasons, but because I do not want to hurt his parents (who are elderly and we share their care), we would both lose financially, and the guilt of knowing he is living alone and getting worse would eat at me.

3. He checked out long a ago. One of you commented that if he checked out, he is not upholding the vows he spoke 12 years ago. Being a good provider is more than providing financially for the moment. It is providing for our future and providing emotionally now. One of you gave the example of saving me from a burger. If he cannot get off the couch without a struggle, how can he protect me physically from an intruder? He struggles to bend over and pick something up off the floor and put on his shoes.

4. This has nothing to do with BDSM and more to do with taking care of my needs. When we first married, he took care of me sexually but as the weight has pulled on, he cannot. He still wants to but toying me, and me giving him a hand job or oral just to get each other off is not fullfilling.

5. He bathes daily so personal hygiene is attended to. The problem is but the end of the day, as sweat has collected between the many folds of skins the odor is so foul I can smell him after he leaves a room.

6. Because he check out, I do not feel the quilt many of you seem to think I should feel. I am NOT selfishly throwing a tantrum like a two year old not getting her way. I am a woman who is tired of giving everyone else around her what they want and sacrificing her own needs. It's time I threw myself in that mix.

7. The one I am having a affair with is also married and in a similar situation. Neither of us are interested in changing the other's living situation and are content with the way things are.

As I said.

You disgust me.

*shrug*

It's your life though. Justify it any way you choose. I am sure you will be very proud as your daughter gets older and acts the same way.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 3/20/2012 3:24:13 PM >

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Post #: 84

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 3:33:45 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

Wow, just wow....Boy, it's conversations like these that make me lose just a smidgen of my faith in humanity.

quote:

You need not divorce on the spot, but leaving the house and taking the child with you will help you decide if you can be happier without him, than you are with him.

So, let me get this straight. As per another thread, it's rude and unloving if a man asks his wife, girlfriend, lover, of slave to lose some weight. But if a man is fat, holy sh*t! Dump his *ss, and take the kids with you. Never-the-less, I'm not at all surprised by the double standard. You'd be amazed how few people hold themselves to the same standards of loyalty they hold their counterparts to.

quote:

If it is because of the children then again I think you would have a valid reason to take them out of the current marriage simply because of his health. Do you want your children to take on his habits and to become like him? Children pick up the habits of their parents many times.

Right, so fat people shouldn't be allowed to raise their children? Now, maybe I am one unique little snowflake here, but I'd rather have a fat dad than no dad at all. My parents got divorced when I was younger, and my mother listed a whole host of reasons why I shouldn't be allowed to see my father, because I'd latch onto his bad example. My dad wasn't perfect, but any flaws he had paled in comparison to those of a woman too heartless to let her ex husband see the kids. In my mid teens, I got my own custody lawyer, and said goodbye to her. Our relationship has never been the same, nor will it ever be. Family above all else. That is how I choose to live my life.

These days, people will get divorced over any silly thing. Apparently, obesity is one of many reasons to justify breaking your vows and leaving your partner behind. The day I get married, and the day I say "I Do," is the day I lose the right to leave. If my man was in this situation, I'd be doing all I could to fight for him and our marriage, not displaying my cooch to anyone who wanted to look. Then again, I'd never consider getting married until I was certain these sorts of conflicts would have very little chance of arising. A marriage commitment deserves more than a few months of even a mere year of test driving.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 85

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 5:12:59 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Can you manage financially if you were to move out?

This seems like the heart of the matter. Everything else is smoke and mirrors.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 86

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 5:37:58 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Can you manage financially if you were to move out?

This seems like the heart of the matter. Everything else is smoke and mirrors.

I was kind of wondering about that myself. Which is why I would never EVER give up my own source of income.

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(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 87

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 5:59:38 PM

nashsub4fun

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/13/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Can you manage financially if you were to move out?

This seems like the heart of the matter. Everything else is smoke and mirrors.

Just to clear up THIS curiosity of so many....I am more than capable of supporting myself if I chose to leave.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 88

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 6:09:46 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Then something about this thread makes no sense. There is some factor you aren't telling us, or aren't telling yourself. Things are extremely murky right now, not clear.

I don't really believe in moralizing at people, so I won't go into anything anyone has said about you. But look. The bottom line is that you are comfortable staying in a situation you are miserable in. If you aren't staying for the money, you're staying for... the anguish?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 89

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 6:32:39 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

So you're not really struggling with adultery I guess, sounds like you've firmly committed to that course of action and just used this forum to blog. Good luck with that I guess.

(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 90

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/20/2012 6:47:02 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

we would both lose financially ?

quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Can you manage financially if you were to move out?

Just to clear up THIS curiosity of so many....I am more than capable of supporting myself if I chose to leave.

Then please think about CODA.

_____________________________

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30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 91

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 6:43:02 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Can you manage financially if you were to move out?

This seems like the heart of the matter. Everything else is smoke and mirrors.

That is a really good question. Especially considering that if she did leave him for the other guy, she wouldn't be able to move in with him. He already has a family living in his house.

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Post #: 92

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 8:04:16 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline

If the OP is truly as unhappy as she claims, she could get off her dead ass and get a job to support herself if she left. And hire an attorney to protect her financial interests in a divorce. The finances are smoke and mirrors.
She is just trying to justify her immoral and destructive behavior by blaming the victim, in this case, her husband, and manufacturing stupid excuses. Kind of like that other crazy chick who posted a few weeks ago, who was also cheating on her spouse.

_____________________________

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Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
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(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 93

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 8:21:06 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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I've been trying to be diplomatic up until now, but now I'm just going to say my piece. I would say the same thing to the OP even if her husband was of average body size. Get a divorce or stop lying and cheating and screwing around. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I say if she can't honor her marriage vows and not screw around with someone else, then get a divorce and get out. If she wants to stay married, then don't screw around. It's that simple.

The divorce would hurt the parents thing, that's just an excuse to stay married while she screws around with someone else, and it IS still "screwing around with" someone else whether or not there is penetrative sex going on. It sure as hell IS going to hurt his parents if they find out she's being cheating on their son behind his back. If it's really a financial reason she's not getting divorced, I'm with Iamsemisweet on that one.... "she could get off her dead ass and get a job to support herself if she left. And hire an attorney to protect her financial interests in a divorce." No one ever said divorce was easy, but it CAN be done. I know that first-hand.

NBMG

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Post #: 94

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 8:31:17 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

The divorce would hurt the parents thing, that's just an excuse to stay married

It's becoming a martyr to try to justify cheating.

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Post #: 95

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 9:12:20 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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The parent thing is kind of laughable, really. For my part, I am much closer to my in laws than I was when I was married. It is much easier to have a good relationship with them now that the screwed up relationship they had with my ex doesn't interfere. More coming up with stupid excuses to justify unjustifiable behavior

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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Post #: 96

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 9:25:54 AM

DarkSteven

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The thing that confuses me is - what kind of job could a 400 lb man, stinky, and barely ambulatory, hold? How could the income from it be so good that she'd be supported without her working?

I suspect that they might both be nonworking, and living off his parents.

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Post #: 97

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 9:26:33 AM

Hillwilliam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The thing that confuses me is - what kind of job could a 400 lb man, stinky, and barely ambulatory, hold? How could the income from it be so good that she'd be supported without her working?

I suspect that they might both be nonworking, and living off his parents.

Plumber?

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Post #: 98

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 9:44:05 AM

JanahX

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That would imply that you thought that this woman actually had morals.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

I've been trying to be diplomatic up until now, but now I'm just going to say my piece. I would say the same thing to the OP even if her husband was of average body size. Get a divorce or stop lying and cheating and screwing around. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I say if she can't honor her marriage vows and not screw around with someone else, then get a divorce and get out. If she wants to stay married, then don't screw around. It's that simple.

The divorce would hurt the parents thing, that's just an excuse to stay married while she screws around with someone else, and it IS still "screwing around with" someone else whether or not there is penetrative sex going on. It sure as hell IS going to hurt his parents if they find out she's being cheating on their son behind his back. If it's really a financial reason she's not getting divorced, I'm with Iamsemisweet on that one.... "she could get off her dead ass and get a job to support herself if she left. And hire an attorney to protect her financial interests in a divorce." No one ever said divorce was easy, but it CAN be done. I know that first-hand.

NBMG

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Post #: 99

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/21/2012 10:41:02 AM

Zonie63

Posts: 2826
Joined: 4/25/2011
From: The Old Pueblo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The thing that confuses me is - what kind of job could a 400 lb man, stinky, and barely ambulatory, hold?

There are plenty of sit-down jobs one might take which don't require getting up or doing much physical activity. The only time one has to get up is to eat lunch or go to the bathroom, although I remember one portly fellow who did both at the same time. He'd have a lunch of something like chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, chocolate milk - all while sitting on the john. He grossed everybody out so much that they eventually had to fire the guy.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 100

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