RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

AngelSighs -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 3:54:37 PM)
What I know is that depression can do really terrible things to good people. I just spent 4 years watching an older relative die slowly entirely due to depression and nothing else. His family was there for him. One of his sons went over every other day to help his father bathe. His brothers, sisters, wife, children, and grandchildren were powerless to get him to take better care of himself. It was a slow suicide, but suicide nonetheless. Get him to a Dr. if he'll go and see if you can help him help himself. If not, then you should make decisions based on your relationship WITH your husband and no one else. The other relationship is a distraction that will only get in the way of making a sound decision for you and your daughter. Just my $ .02,

angelikaJ -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 4:02:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSylverdawn Im sorry you have a disease that makes weight an issue for you.. but again you dont know whats wrong with him.. Say someone who was supposed to love and cherish you said.. man up dollface.. eat less .. you fat ass.. oh yeah thats all about being a supportive caring partner.. We have no clue about him.. just her.. and her ethical moral imperative to get what she wants fuck who else she walks over on the way .. I have a husband who has stood beside me through major crisis..I shudder to think what it would have been like if my lifepartner was such as she.... thank god I found a good one My mother had a severe mental illness that developed after my parent's marriage began. She was hospitalised numerous times and was on a variety of medications. She received ECT. My dad stuck it out for 8 yrs. I do not blame him. Sometimes severe illness is not something that a partner can deal with. It isn't right, it isn't wrong, it just is. We don't always know what promises we can keep when we make them. People often do their best. As much as I personally believe that there is a strong element of choice in love, people do sometimes fall out of love. It isn't right nor wrong, it just is. My dad remarried a woman he fell in love with while he was married to my mother. That may not have been right but it happened. They were happily married for over 30 yrs. That was perfectly right; they were right for each other. People get married for all the wrong reasons and have all kinds of incompatibilities. And sometimes they go onto have another happily ever after. edit: personal nit-pick

DesFIP -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 6:39:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX why the hell would this woman want to support someone who obviously doesnt give a fuck? But that being said, she doesnt seem to give a fuck about herself or her children. Just her religion and sex needs. Because it may not be his fault. He could have a tumor on the thyroid. He could be suffering from depression. There are things that can cause both the physical and mental problems. If it turns out there's a cancerous tumor causing all this, and that once it's removed he could become his old self, and the problems could be solved then she would feel pretty horrible if she had walked six months before. Which is why we suggest calling his physician and informing them of what's going on and making an appointment for him. So that if she does leave, she won't feel guilt afterward for not trying to solve it first.

GotSteel -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 7:09:17 PM)
As DesFIP has pointed out you need to get him to a doctor. As for your options, if he's just over eating and won't do anything about it [sm=dunno.gif] I think I can safely say that we as a community when weighing the options of divorce or staying in the sort of marriage you describe and cheating consider divorce to be the lesser of two evils. Divorce or the threat there of might even motivate him to take action, do you want to sit there and watch him slowly kill himself? That said your morality probably isn't the same as mine and you have to make your own choices and live with the results which sadly are probably going to be on the negative side in every option open to you at this point. All I can say is good luck I hope things work out for you and warn you that the BDSM community is not as accepting of cheating as you might suspect.

JanahX -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 7:41:08 PM)
Well according to her He:------> During our 12 year marriage he has gained more than 250 pounds and now weighs in excess of 400 pounds. ---------------------------> He is not interested in changing ---------------------------> but if he loves himself enough. Obviously, he does not. ---------------------------> The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing". on her end, she stated ----> i get ignored at home --------------------------> not sexually attracted to him --------------------------> i am repulsed by him --------------------------> i want my needs met! --------------------------> Nothing works --------------------------> i made up my mind to search elsewhere for my fulfillment. --------------------------> i get my needs met away from home. Sounds like a lose/lose situation to me. Also, even if he did lose the weight - How do you force someone to become interested in BDSM - and make them "be a master?" She's wanting something else in life at this point. Im sure somewhere in the 12 years she has most likely already asked him or even TOLD him to see a doctor. Doesnt seem like the guy is interested. He's checked out - of her life and his. Do people really think she hasnt tried to get this guy to go see a Dr. at this point? REALLY??? quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX why the hell would this woman want to support someone who obviously doesnt give a fuck? But that being said, she doesnt seem to give a fuck about herself or her children. Just her religion and sex needs. Because it may not be his fault. He could have a tumor on the thyroid. He could be suffering from depression. There are things that can cause both the physical and mental problems. If it turns out there's a cancerous tumor causing all this, and that once it's removed he could become his old self, and the problems could be solved then she would feel pretty horrible if she had walked six months before. Which is why we suggest calling his physician and informing them of what's going on and making an appointment for him. So that if she does leave, she won't feel guilt afterward for not trying to solve it first.

OsideGirl -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 7:46:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX Well according to her He:------> During our 12 year marriage he has gained more than 250 pounds and now weighs in excess of 400 pounds. ---------------------------> He is not interested in changing ---------------------------> but if he loves himself enough. Obviously, he does not. ---------------------------> The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing". There's the crux of the issue for me. She can't make him go to the doctor. She can't save him. All she can do is ask him to do something to save himself.

antipode -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 8:42:56 PM)
It is recognized by a number of courts in this nation that self inflicted obesity and a refusal to be treated constitute spousal abuse. For you to refuse to take care of yourself and your child(ren?) is enablement, and a known, and treatable, mental condition. Go see a therapist, and sort yourself out.

LoreBook -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/18/2012 9:05:24 PM)
I'm wondering just what BDSM has to do with this situation. Do you really think that because you are engaging in kinky sex with your paramour it somehow changes anything? Given the situation you described, my take is that if you had any common sense whatsoever you would end the marriage, but.... The preceding statement represents the views and opinions of the author and the author alone, and should in no way be considered an attempt by the author to define or determine anything for anybody but herself.

kalikshama -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 4:50:35 AM)
quote: Divorce or the threat there of might even motivate him to take action, do you want to sit there and watch him slowly kill himself? OP - or your daughter watching him slowly kill himself.

kalikshama -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 5:17:45 AM)
Collect a stack of Biggest Loser episode 2 from different seasons - the one where Dr. Huzienga tells the participants how their excess weight is shortening their life. If you can't get them at your library, Amazon offers instant video episodes for $1.99. Make him watch a few and then tell him if he doesn't go to a doctor (with you in attendance) you are leaving him. And mean it.

NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 8:42:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun i am married to a very vanilla man who is not interested in the lifestyle so i get my needs met away from home. For the past few months, i have been in a long distance M/s relationship with frequent times together. i know what i am doing is no different than having a vanilla affair so that part is wrong. What i struggle with is the idea that i am not getting my vanilla/lifestyle needs met at home and trying not to feel guilty because i get ignored at home. i love my husband but am not "in live" with him and not sexually attracted to him. Not only am i not sexually attracted, but i am repulsed by him. During our 12 year marriage he has gained more than 250 pounds and now weighs in excess of 400 pounds. There is nothing there for me. If you have every known someone morbidly obese, you are aware of all that includes.....body odors, public stares, secondary health issues, etc.... He is not interested in changing and i am not interested in a divorce but i want my needs met! i have tried numerous occasions during our marriage to address this issue with him but nothing works. i've tried, crying, yelling, begging, pulling out the parent card, pulling out the "if you love me and our daughter" card, and even scripture. Nothing works. I know his weight has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me, our daughter, or his parents enough but if he loves himself enough. Obviously, he does not. The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing". That is when i made up my mind to search elsewhere for my fulfillment. i struggle with the idea that i am committing adultery although some would validate it because of my husband's lack of care for himself. There are two issues I see here. One, he has ballooned up to 400 lbs and he is not interested in finding out why or if there is anything he can do about it. True, there is the chance it could be metabolic or glandular disorder, but he's not interested in finding out whether that's it or not. Personally I don't feel sorry for him because he won't even bother to find out if there's anything he can do about it. Two, you are in a marriage you are unhappy in but want your needs met even though you don't want a divorce. I'm not using the word adultery because that's a religious judgment word and I'm not going to tell someone else how to manage their relationship with their diety. But you ARE lying and cheating. Are you telling us that you think two wrongs make a right? Do you seriously think that his not caring for himself enough to find out what's wrong makes it okay for you to lie to him? It's just me, but I think if you are going to stay with him, the least you could do is be honest with him and say something like "Honey, there is nothing left for me here. If you want us to stay married, either things have to change or I'm getting my needs met elsewhere" and tell him what needs to change. At least be honest for crying out loud. NBMG

DaddySatyr -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 8:53:11 AM)
I think that if it is depression (and we're all just speculating), it might not help that his wife is going out to meet someone else. You may think he doesn't know but women aren't the only gender with intuition. I would *strongly* recommend putting your own needs to the side for now, taking one last ditch effort at saving the marriage (getting him to a doctor and both of you going to counseling), and getting your child(ren) whatever assistance they may need. If he refuses to go to the doctor or the couples' counselor, you should divorce and then, you are free to do as you please. I just can't help but think that a 400+ lb. man is sitting around, possibly depressed, and his wife's extra-marrital activities don't figure into that depression. I do hope you'll get the help that all of you need. Peace and comfort, Michael

OsideGirl -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 9:24:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl There are two issues I see here. One, he has ballooned up to 400 lbs and he is not interested in finding out why or if there is anything he can do about it. True, there is the chance it could be metabolic or glandular disorder, but he's not interested in finding out whether that's it or not. Personally I don't feel sorry for him because he won't even bother to find out if there's anything he can do about it. Two, you are in a marriage you are unhappy in but want your needs met even though you don't want a divorce. I'm not using the word adultery because that's a religious judgment word and I'm not going to tell someone else how to manage their relationship with their diety. But you ARE lying and cheating. Are you telling us that you think two wrongs make a right? Do you seriously think that his not caring for himself enough to find out what's wrong makes it okay for you to lie to him? It's just me, but I think if you are going to stay with him, the least you could do is be honest with him and say something like "Honey, there is nothing left for me here. If you want us to stay married, either things have to change or I'm getting my needs met elsewhere" and tell him what needs to change. At least be honest for crying out loud. NBMG That was very well said. Honestly, if he tried and failed.....that's better than not trying at all. But regardless, the cheating isn't justified.

NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 7:17:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl That was very well said. Honestly, if he tried and failed.....that's better than not trying at all. But regardless, the cheating isn't justified. Thank you.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 7:26:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady If your husband had been in a horrible accident, leaving him disfigured, would you feel you were justified to "seek fufillment" outside your marriage? But he hasn't been in an accident. He's in a situation of his own making and he's not willing to even attempt to gain control of that situation. quote: ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing". As others have said, we don't know why he has gained weight, although, also like others, I'm betting on depression, which you know quite well can be a difficult thing for some people to admit to and get treatment for. The whole point is that when you marry someone, the phrase "for better or worse" is in there for a reason. I'm not saying that people don't sometimes find the "worse" to be to much to handle. What I am saying is that she is looking for justification for seeking sexual satisfaction outside her marriage and there is no justification for it. Divorce is really not that difficult to obtain, neither is separation. She is making her marital situation worse and hoping a bunch of kinky people on the internet will tell her it is ok. Most people don't become obese simply because they aren't conscious of what they put in their mouth. There is ALWAYS an underlying issue, whether it be physical or psychological.

OsideGirl -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/19/2012 7:39:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady As others have said, we don't know why he has gained weight, although, also like others, I'm betting on depression, which you know quite well can be a difficult thing for some people to admit to and get treatment for. I agree. But bottom line.....she can't make him get help. She can only ask.....and she has, he has refused. quote: The whole point is that when you marry someone, the phrase "for better or worse" is in there for a reason. I'm not saying that people don't sometimes find the "worse" to be to much to handle. There comes a point where you realize that banging your head against the wall is futile. I'm willing to offer all the love, help and support that I can, but I can't fix him. If someone isn't willing to even take one little baby step, there's nothing I can do. quote: What I am saying is that she is looking for justification for seeking sexual satisfaction outside her marriage and there is no justification for it. Divorce is really not that difficult to obtain, neither is separation. I absolutely agree. I don't think the situation is justification for cheating. It is however, justification for divorce or separation. quote: Most people don't become obese simply because they aren't conscious of what they put in their mouth. There is ALWAYS an underlying issue, whether it be physical or psychological. Actually, only somewhat correct. I know what the physical reasons are that I gain weight. I know what I can eat and what I can't eat. If I gain weight, it's entirely on me. He hasn't bothered to find out what the reason is, and to me that is the biggest problem. He's slowly killing himself in front of his wife and children because he's not willing to do anything to stop it.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/20/2012 9:59:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: What I am saying is that she is looking for justification for seeking sexual satisfaction outside her marriage and there is no justification for it. Divorce is really not that difficult to obtain, neither is separation. I absolutely agree. I don't think the situation is justification for cheating. It is however, justification for divorce or separation. And that is what she should be doing. It seems she is trying to rely on her religion for ther not going for divorce or separation, but throws that out the window by cheating. quote: Most people don't become obese simply because they aren't conscious of what they put in their mouth. There is ALWAYS an underlying issue, whether it be physical or psychological. Actually, only somewhat correct. I know what the physical reasons are that I gain weight. I know what I can eat and what I can't eat. If I gain weight, it's entirely on me. He hasn't bothered to find out what the reason is, and to me that is the biggest problem. He's slowly killing himself in front of his wife and children because he's not willing to do anything to stop it. His not trying to find out what the problem is or seeking therapy certainly is on him. The OP presents herself as someone who has "tried" to be supportive, but I have doubts that she actually has been. Seems more likely she simply bitched about his weight gain, which comes off as very superficial. I have no issue really with her divorcing him because he has gained so much weight. I recently handled a divorce where weight gain was a major issue (he was also well over 400 pounds). What I do have an issue with is anyone cheating on their spouse and thinking they are justified for it because of any reason, whether it be weight gain or something else. We all want sexual satisfaction and fufillment in life and have the right to seek it out, but not at the expense of someone else. If you aren't getting in your current relationship and have tried to resolve the problem but have been unsuccessful, then end that relationship before starting another one.

IrishMist -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/20/2012 10:02:42 AM)
quote: What I do have an issue with is anyone cheating on their spouse and thinking they are justified for it because of any reason, whether it be weight gain or something else. We all want sexual satisfaction and fufillment in life and have the right to seek it out, but not at the expense of someone else. If you aren't getting in your current relationship and have tried to resolve the problem but have been unsuccessful, then end that relationship before starting another one. [sm=applause.gif]

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/20/2012 11:00:43 AM)
I cheated on my husband, and it killed my marriage. He was a nice man, great dad, wonderful provider, but he did not meet my emotional needs in a lot of ways. I tried to have those needs met by having a couple of affairs. I justified my behavior by convincing myself that his behavior was forcing me into other men's arms. Kind of like what the OP is doing. I know I poisoned my marriage. I am not all that sad about the marriage being over (we are both in new relationships, in fact he is getting married this month). But I will always regret my actions, which I see now were unethical and immoral. I am an atheist, but I still believe there was simply no excuse for my behavior, and god knows my ex didn't deserve it. I have been given a second chance in life, and I am now with a man that I am very happy with. I am determined not to make the same mistakes. OP, you may think your situation is "different" somehow, and that what you are doing is justified, you may even convince yourself that you can be a good spouse regardless of your affair. None of this is true. Do the right thing, or the guilt will consume you. I will always wonder if perhaps I would still be married if I had tried to work out my issues, instead of cheating. Perhaps the marriage would have ended in divorce anyway, but at least I wouldn't feel this shame about my own behavior.

nashsub4fun -> RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts (3/20/2012 11:46:09 AM)
WOW! Seemed like I fired up quite a few people. I appreciate all of your comments and have a few of my own as a general reply. 1. I have tried numerous times in the past 8-10 years to get him to see what his weight is doing to himself, his health, our daughter, me, his parents, our marriage, and his career. His parents, daughter, doctor, and family therapist have also tried. He is not interested in making a change nor finding the root of the problem. As one person commented, "how many times do I beat my had against a wall"? 2. I do not want a divorce, not because of religious reasons, but because I do not want to hurt his parents (who are elderly and we share their care), we would both lose financially, and the guilt of knowing he is living alone and getting worse would eat at me. 3. He checked out long a ago. One of you commented that if he checked out, he is not upholding the vows he spoke 12 years ago. Being a good provider is more than providing financially for the moment. It is providing for our future and providing emotionally now. One of you gave the example of saving me from a burger. If he cannot get off the couch without a struggle, how can he protect me physically from an intruder? He struggles to bend over and pick something up off the floor and put on his shoes. 4. This has nothing to do with BDSM and more to do with taking care of my needs. When we first married, he took care of me sexually but as the weight has pulled on, he cannot. He still wants to but toying me, and me giving him a hand job or oral just to get each other off is not fullfilling. 5. He bathes daily so personal hygiene is attended to. The problem is but the end of the day, as sweat has collected between the many folds of skins the odor is so foul I can smell him after he leaves a room. 6. Because he check out, I do not feel the quilt many of you seem to think I should feel. I am NOT selfishly throwing a tantrum like a two year old not getting her way. I am a woman who is tired of giving everyone else around her what they want and sacrificing her own needs. It's time I threw myself in that mix. 7. The one I am having a affair with is also married and in a similar situation. Neither of us are interested in changing the other's living situation and are content with the way things are.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

5.859375E-02