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advice - 3/25/2012 2:45:34 AM

ShibariHime

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/7/2011
Status: offline

what should you do if your asked to do something that isnt really a biggie, but you dont want to do it. Its not a dangerous thing, just something your not too keen on.
You want to do it to please someone, but then you think, if they cared about me, they wouldnt ask me to do it. i know sometimes in life we all have to do things we are not keen on, but this "thing" is something that i know will damage my self esteem. This could be because i dont know my Dom well enough to trust they will be pleased with me afterwards, or because i always will have negative thoughts about myself.
So whats a sub to do?

Post #: 1

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 2:49:58 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

talk to your dom and explain that this thing would be damaging to your self esteem.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 2

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 2:52:09 AM

ShibariHime

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/7/2011
Status: offline

thank you,
i already have and i ended up feeling really stupid and selfish..........

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 3

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 2:57:42 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Just declare it a "hard limit" and tell your dom(me) that they need to respect your right to decide what will and will not happen in your life.

If they don't respect your authority (Do it in the South Park voice), it's time to move on.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 4

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 3:06:14 AM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShibariHime

what should you do if your asked to do something that isnt really a biggie, but you dont want to do it. Its not a dangerous thing, just something your not too keen on.
You want to do it to please someone, but then you think, if they cared about me, they wouldnt ask me to do it. i know sometimes in life we all have to do things we are not keen on, but this "thing" is something that i know will damage my self esteem. This could be because i dont know my Dom well enough to trust they will be pleased with me afterwards, or because i always will have negative thoughts about myself.
So whats a sub to do?

I have to ask, though...is it not really a biggie and something you're just not too keen on, or is it damaging to your self esteem? You say both.

Not really a biggie and just something you're not too keen on? Do it.

Damaging to your self esteem? Talk to him about it, as you did, and if he belittles you for it, then good - now you know he is not the one for you.

I disagree with automatically calling it a hard limit. I don't buy into a submissive being able to pull out the limit card anytime she wants to with her partner. I do believe, though, that if something is bothering either partner to the point of being concerned about something like damaged self-esteem, it should be able to be discussed without feeling stupid or selfish for doing so. The ability to communicate is what is most important.

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 5

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 3:40:51 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShibariHime

what should you do if your asked to do something that isnt really a biggie, but you dont want to do it. Its not a dangerous thing, just something your not too keen on.

This is the part where I say that if you're *my* sub, then you do what you're damned well told and to the best of your abilities.

quote:

You want to do it to please someone, but then you think, if they cared about me, they wouldnt ask me to do it. i know sometimes in life we all have to do things we are not keen on, but this "thing" is something that i know will damage my self esteem. This could be because i dont know my Dom well enough to trust they will be pleased with me afterwards, or because i always will have negative thoughts about myself.
So whats a sub to do?

Now, to possibly damage my girl's self-esteem changes everything; that it IS a "biggie" and otherwise unacceptable.

Without some actual detail, I'll leave it there. But I've gotta ask the obvious - does this "thing" involve a 3rd party outside the immediate relationship?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 6

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 4:44:05 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I have to ask, though...is it not really a biggie and something you're just not too keen on, or is it damaging to your self esteem? You say both.

Not really a biggie and just something you're not too keen on? Do it.

Damaging to your self esteem? Talk to him about it, as you did, and if he belittles you for it, then good - now you know he is not the one for you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 7

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 4:46:13 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

It's really difficult to respond without knowing what the "thing" is. There is no way of knowing if the thing really isn't a biggie, like eating sushi (I hate fish), or something you are being pressured to believe is not really a biggie (threesome, being with another man while he watches, playing in public), when the "biggieness" of the thing is really dependent on the person.

The implication that your partner made you feel foolish and stupid for trying to discuss it with him is problematic. Regardless of kink or vanilla, we should always be able to discuss anything with our partner without being judged.

From what you have written here and on your profile, you have some serious self esteem issues that you need to address. This is not the job/responsibility of a dominant to help you overcome and in fact, the majority, while able to be supportive, are seriously lacking the qualifications of a trained therapist.

I urge you to seek counseling to find out what is causing your self esteem issues. In the interim, if your partner is not going to listen to your thoughts or feelings, or make you feel stupid and foolish for having concerns about anything, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them at all.

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 8

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 4:49:29 AM

ShibariHime

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/7/2011
Status: offline

Thank you for your replies. I think i am beginning to feel a little better>
Its not a hard limit, so i couldnt say that, its more to do with the person than the act, and i do think i need my limits pushed, but not to the extent that i would be hurt emotionally.
thank you all, i was a bit worried about posting this, but you have made my first posting informative and welcoming
x

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 4:59:32 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShibariHime

Thank you for your replies. I think i am beginning to feel a little better>
Its not a hard limit, so i couldnt say that, its more to do with the person than the act, and i do think i need my limits pushed, but not to the extent that i would be hurt emotionally.
thank you all, i was a bit worried about posting this, but you have made my first posting informative and welcoming
x

Um. I read your journal entry about him pushing you to fuck in front of your neighbors. I assume that's it.

Here in the US, that's illegal. I don't know about the UK.

Think carefully about this relationship.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 3/25/2012 5:00:58 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 10

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 5:10:44 AM

uwillcry

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/23/2012
Status: offline

Princess........... you really are endearing at times. And for the record, and those viewing its not I who is causing this subbie her emotional torment. This lady is very dear to me and i do not like to see her sad.
You are a lazy arsed sub at times and do need your limits and boundaries pushed, but thats part of the fun watching you grow. As a Dom, and im sure i speak for the masses, we would never expect you to do something that you were not comfortable with, and the good people above have more or less said that. Communication is key, and as ive told you before and its an old cliché your submission is a gift and should be treated with respect. As a Dom it is rewarding to watch you grow and nurture you.
I know not what you have been asked to do, but i know you so i have a pretty good idea (wise O'l Daddy).
But i will offer you this advice. If your D/s activity is causing you to feel inadequate (or whatever negative word you use), then you need to re-evaluate your role, as it maybe that your "partner" is merely using you as a sex toy, fuck buddy etc.
Now Princess, dry your eyes, gets your stockings on and come over for some tea and proper TLC
x

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 11

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 5:17:22 AM

ShibariHime

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/7/2011
Status: offline

Thank you again everyone, im feeling a bit more directed now.
For the record, the sex in fron the neighbours thing, isnt whats causing me angst. And it was very late at night and i made sure no one was watching......... im kinky, not stupid.

(in reply to uwillcry)

Post #: 12

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 5:40:51 AM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

I'd tend to think that you should take a bit more time with whatever is causing your angst. I abhor being pushed. Led, counseled, taught....those are good things, being pushed doesn't do good things for me.

If you think this thing will honestly cause you issues then I don't' think it's worth it, however, I don't know the whole story. Maybe your Dominant is correct in wanting you to do it. You need to work out your feelings with it though with him and that's why I'd say don't close the door on it immediately, but take a bit more time to talk to him and think it through yourself. Kaliko's reply was excellent, so it really depends on what your reservations are, and why you have them, as to whether it would be good to do or not. We don't know that at this point, but the two of you will.

Whoever this Uwillcry person is, it's rather repulsive to be publicly condescending to you - also sounds like he's trying to poach. Stellar qualities.

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 13

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 5:47:11 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

but this "thing" is something that i know will damage my self esteem. This could be because i dont know my Dom well enough to trust they will be pleased with me afterwards, or because i always will have negative thoughts about myself.

After reading your profile and journal, I suggest you be very, very cautious about BDSM relationships and would be better served seeking a therapeutic one instead.

(in reply to ShibariHime)

Post #: 14

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 5:52:56 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

FR~

Trust is earned, not given freely, unless you -know- he will be there for you if there's fallout or negative consequence, don't even entertain the idea. That "wait a minute...' feeling you have is for a good reason, figure out that reason, and then present him with it.

Don't sacrifice common sense and self preservation for what some asshole preaches to be BDSM or 'true' submission.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 15

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 6:34:43 AM

uwillcry

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/23/2012
Status: offline

'Smiles' I am not repulsive and take offence

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 16

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 6:39:42 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: uwillcry
And for the record, and those viewing its not I who is causing this subbie her emotional torment.

I disagree with Killerangel about your approach to ShibariHime. It sounds to me like you ARE her Dom, and chose to claim otherwise in your post.

If she's right, your approach is disrespectful of the relationship she has with her Dom - you're addressing her directly in a manner that only her Dom should.

If I'm right, then there's some weird reason that you're choosing to mask yourself. Is this an online relationship, and there's some reason you're not telling her everything?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to uwillcry)

Post #: 17

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 6:45:16 AM

uwillcry

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/23/2012
Status: offline

DarkSteven, i am not Ms Himes Dom, but i am her friend in the real world. I have no doubt in my mind that if i wanted her i could claim her (she wont admit that though, stubborn filly)
I would never disrespect or harm Ms Hime and she knows that. I just wish she would have come to me first as opposed to asking everyone here> but it is encouraging to note other people are offering her sound advice

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 18

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 6:49:50 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: uwillcry

Princess........... you really are endearing at times. And for the record, and those viewing its not I who is causing this subbie her emotional torment. This lady is very dear to me and i do not like to see her sad.
You are a lazy arsed sub at times and do need your limits and boundaries pushed, but thats part of the fun watching you grow. As a Dom, and im sure i speak for the masses, we would never expect you to do something that you were not comfortable with, and the good people above have more or less said that. Communication is key, and as ive told you before and its an old cliché your submission is a gift and should be treated with respect. As a Dom it is rewarding to watch you grow and nurture you.
I know not what you have been asked to do, but i know you so i have a pretty good idea (wise O'l Daddy).
But i will offer you this advice. If your D/s activity is causing you to feel inadequate (or whatever negative word you use), then you need to re-evaluate your role, as it maybe that your "partner" is merely using you as a sex toy, fuck buddy etc.
Now Princess, dry your eyes, gets your stockings on and come over for some tea and proper TLC
x

What a patronizing, pompous, self positioning friend you are.

Princess needs a whole new round of friends to work on her self esteem issues with.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to uwillcry)

Post #: 19

RE: advice - 3/25/2012 6:50:17 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

I would never disrespect or harm Ms Hime and she knows that

and yet;

quote:

If your D/s activity is causing you to feel inadequate (or whatever negative word you use), then you need to re-evaluate your role, as it maybe that your "partner" is merely using you as a sex toy, fuck buddy etc.
Now Princess, dry your eyes, gets your stockings on and come over for some tea and proper TLC

you seriously don't see that as disrespectful to her? disrespecting her relationship IS disrespecting her, IMO.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to uwillcry)

Post #: 20

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