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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 6:55:29 AM

Madame4a

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 7:22:46 AM

Killerangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Great paragraph, I wish I would have written it myself.

Of course I need to be reminded of my place at times, I'm not perfect. Often it's a sexual thing, so purely for fun. When it's an actual reminder, a glance is all that is needed.

I have encountered more than one desktop dom who thinks, "girls should know their place." This tends to correspond to those who think slaves should be broken. They are not looking for a relationship with a whole person, I assume b/c they are not whole people themselves.

Thanks.
I"ve been approached so many times by men who it seems are running through a script in relating to me what they will do and how they will handle things between us. When you chat with them to ask questions that step outside the box they've set up, you find out the persona drops immediately because they don't know what comes next. It's like if I don't respond, "Yes, Master," they don't know what to do. I think these people are drawn to kink not so much for kink, but for the perimeters they see kink relationships as having. Those boundaries appeal to them and make relationships seem doable with them in place, whereas before they just suck at interpersonal types of communication. "Me Tarzan You Jane" is a lot easier than "Let's talk about our feelings...".

Some time ago a guy contacted me with the usual "Men are superior, you will be naked at all times and blow my friends, you will know your place, I am the boss, etc." I wrote back to say I wasn't interested in someone who didn't take the time to get to know me as an individual, and his rigid script wasn't what I was looking for. What he wanted was fine, just not the right thing for me. He wrote back completely dropping the persona and asked what it was that I wanted. He had no idea how to proceed if we weren't playing the game as he had it outlined in his head. Then, he wrote me on another profile, I recognized his idiosyncrasies, and his first contact on that message was to say hello, what was I looking for? He didn't put the persona on at all. It was an interesting encounter.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 7:42:30 AM

kalikshama

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Oy, am so glad I'm no longer looking

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 8:20:14 AM

artemiss

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Not claiming to be perfect by any means, and yes, there are certainly times when I need to be reminded.

Was really thinking more of when it is a central focus or activity within the dynamic. For example, "you will always be naked, shackled and looking at the floor so you always know your place. "

And admittedly I would probably respond differently if they simply said it pleases me to see you in that state, so that is how it will be.

For me, a large part of the appeal of D/s is the more clearly defined roles and expectations. It allows for less conflict in my relationships. I have spent a significant amount of time in my life actively seeking such relationships. Just fail to see a need to fight it when I find it.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 8:48:09 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss

So can some of yor please enlighten be on this need to "show a submissive their place?

It's generally said by people that wouldn't know anything about a submissive's place....even with a map and a GPS.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 10:21:02 AM

slaverachel2Him

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Well i have a humiliation kink as well- so being put in my place is a pleasantly hot experience and i love to be reminded that He is Master now and again. i know not everyone is into it and i certainly might balk if a stranger tried it.

IF you are being "put in your place" because you are acting up- then look at your resistance level. If you are "being put in your place" by Masters trying to get next to you, then they are probably trying to either prematurely impress you, hoping you'll take the bait, or show you they won't let you down Dominant-wise. i am amazed at the number of slaves and subs that PM me as friends (elsewhere) and their main problem is their Dom or Master is too lenient or not that interested in Dominating them. A few even stopped entirely and the slave/subs are beside themselves. A couple don't even have sex anymore at all over it-by the Dom's choice BTW. i know myself i can't have sex with a submissive or neutral man. Then it is just pity sex.

i know some newer people especially, get these PM's from would be Dom's and Masters ordering them around- i guess hoping to scam a new person.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 10:28:24 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

*smooch*

-tongue-

Did I read correctly on another thread that you and she have upcoming nuptials? Congratulations!

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 3/31/2012 9:20:05 PM

DesFIP

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Some random person saying that all s types need to be shown their place shows me that this isn't a good person to be with. It isn't someone who would respect his or her s type.

However inside of a committed relationship it can well mean something positive. That you're feeling insecure and off kilter and need something physical to help center you. From the sub, it can mean that they're the one asking for this. It's like asking for a metaphysical yank on the leash connecting one from the other. Or asking him to spank me to tears to help me feel better.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/1/2012 10:01:12 AM

JeffBC

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Wow... just wow.

Sometimes I find it astonishing that me, the vanilla guy, seems to get stuff about BDSM an awful lot better than the BDSM people. I can think of lots and lots of reasons that a submissive might want to be "put in her place" or a dom might feel the need to do so.

I hate to get in the way of a great bit of self-righteous indignation though so carry on.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/1/2012 12:57:11 PM

xssve

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If I'm not mistaken, artemiss (arty miss? I like that), you're talking about doms trying to put submissive that aren't actually collared to them in their place, i.e., the most common example of subs threads popping up in here on pretty regular basis, incensed at all the domlilies demanding instant obedience via CMail, but I presume the same thing happens in chat, and in the meatspace of the local BDSM community, so on and so forth.

You say "around here", so I'm guessing forums chat or CMail - if it's forums, you should all 'em out, I don't frequent chat so I don't really know what goes on in there, nobody will talk to me and I'm not that good at it anyway, and CMail you just block I guess, that's the advice I hear most often.

But in the larger context then, presumably then the notion that all submissives are submissive to anybody with pretensions to domliness? And of course we get those domly types in here occasionally, asking in bewildered tones why submissives perversely insist on acting like complicated and emotional human beings instead of the Two dimensional cutouts of their fantasies.

Now all the subs in here get down on your knees and say: "you got that shit right".

Knees optional of course, my personal philosophy being that I don't treat anybody preemptively, dismissively, haughtily, cavalierly, or disrespectfully unless they have specifically asked me to do that, in context limited or unlimited, or I have been requested to do that by the person they are collared to or have chosen to speak and/or make those decisions for them, and within the limits and boundaries set by that dyad - otherwise, going around treating other peoples property like it was yours is called "being an ass" and is likely to get you that ass handed to you.

If I do speak to someone that way, I'm either joking, or or they just said something so stupid it kicked me into instant sarcasm mode, like being flabbergasted as to why they can't go around treating people without ordinary respect because they have the "wrong" sexual organs, whatever that might be for them.

And occasionally I get scorned and criticized for treating some dumb bitch respectfully, which I do if she hasn't disrespected me or given me cause to disrespect her, as a general rule, regardless of context, and in that fashion I'm occasionally forced to alter my perceptions of just exactly who the dumb bitch really is.

It's just manners man, simple: you just don't go around talking shit to people you don't know.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/1/2012 1:42:45 PM

littlekitten1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Wow... just wow.

Sometimes I find it astonishing that me, the vanilla guy, seems to get stuff about BDSM an awful lot better than the BDSM people. I can think of lots and lots of reasons that a submissive might want to be "put in her place" or a dom might feel the need to do so.

I hate to get in the way of a great bit of self-righteous indignation though so carry on.

Unfortunately this post will be ignored...

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/1/2012 3:50:40 PM

Wheldrake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss
Was really thinking more of when it is a central focus or activity within the dynamic. For example, "you will always be naked, shackled and looking at the floor so you always know your place. "

As a submissive, I can see the appeal of that kind of arrangement, although of course it would be impractical for me and for anyone else who has to (or wants to) function in mainstream society. In the same way that a shaven head, a monastic robe and a strict daily routine can make a monk feel sanctified and close to the divine, chains and nakedness and having to keep my eyes on the floor would probably make me feel like subservient property. I've experienced the chains and nakedness part as a short-term situation, and it's actually worked pretty well.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/1/2012 6:49:37 PM

graceadieu

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I suppose it depends on what they mean by "reminding someone of their place".....

Personally I find it reassuring and sometimes arousing to be reminded that I'm his, that I don't have to worry about [whatever] because he's in control and he'll tell me what he needs from me, etc. It gives me that "warm fuzzy" feeling that I think most women get from flowers and jewelry, lol.

But it seems like some dominants use it to refer to something entirely different, as a way to justify treating submissives generally as below them? That's different, and pretty douchebaggy.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/1/2012 7:05:18 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

I suppose it depends on what they mean by "reminding someone of their place".....

Personally I find it reassuring and sometimes arousing to be reminded that I'm his, that I don't have to worry about [whatever] because he's in control and he'll tell me what he needs from me, etc. It gives me that "warm fuzzy" feeling that I think most women get from flowers and jewelry, lol.

But it seems like some dominants use it to refer to something entirely different, as a way to justify treating submissives generally as below them? That's different, and pretty douchebaggy.

I think it's the difference in wording: I'm constantly reminded of the role I've chosen. But, if someone says "put you in your place" it has different connotations for me. Most profiles that reference this say the latter, not the former.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/1/2012 10:58:57 PM

FrostedFlake

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Uppity Doms, go figure.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/2/2012 2:29:29 AM

warlock1935

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<<<"you will always be naked, shackled and looking at the floor so you always know your place. " >>> I think people are reacting to the "You will" - the connotation I get from it is that it's being said via E-mail to a woman the writer isn't in a relationship with, or in a profile. At least most of the posters on the first page gave me that impression. As @JeffBC and @xssve indicated, in a Lifestyle relationship, "putting a submissive in her place" means something different, especially in D/s and M/s dynamics. In fact, in my house, my submissives are always naked, their wrists are chained together, and they're trained to keep their eyes a little below horizontal when in a position. I regularly use rituals that are designed to "put them in their place" to move them into a deeper submissive state and induce subspace. Most of my friends in the M/s dynamic use similar methods. We all look for intelligent women; some of them are a challenge, but worth the extra work. Several of mine have been ardent feminists in their vanilla life.
What I'm getting at here is that we don't need to get into a "great bit of self-righteous indignation" about the hordes of newbie and clueless guys here. I can pretty well guarantee very few of them are reading these forums. Let's stick to discussing what happens in the Lifestyle among experienced people, shall we?

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/2/2012 2:37:06 AM

Focus50

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

Putting me in my place is not something I find desirable in a partner but there are many out there who seem to want it. I figure it's great that they come out with it right away so I know we aren't compatible. It is something that is part of a dynamic for many and I won't knock it for that reason.

That being said, it also seems to be a point that the fantasizers and porn watchers rally together on. Meaning I seem to see it amongst the portion of the kink population that gathers their ideas from what they've seen in porn or how they think things work as opposed to having much real life experience. It appeals to the socially inept portion of the kink population because it gives them a way to keep out of sticky emotional areas that they either don't have a lot of experience in yet, or handle poorly. It is my experience that BDSM on the whole draws in many people that have poor social/relationship skills. They see something that appears black and white to them and it's like a sigh of relief. They think different rules apply here so they don the persona they think is the one needed, and go forth to play at relationships BDSM style.

Whoa, clearly the fantasy porn jockey that I apparently am is waaaaay more underwhelmed with your post than ChatteParfaitt.

Are you an advocate for passive/neutered "dominance" or just for all relationships to be founded on the egalitarian vanilla (theory)?

Either way, I'm scratching my head as to why you even bother with a site like CM. You're not bdsm's Che trying to champion a revolution we ignorant peasants don't want or need, per chance?

Focus.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/2/2012 7:04:11 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: warlock1935

What I'm getting at here is that we don't need to get into a "great bit of self-righteous indignation" about the hordes of newbie and clueless guys here. I can pretty well guarantee very few of them are reading these forums. Let's stick to discussing what happens in the Lifestyle among experienced people, shall we?

We get a fair number of "newbies" in the forums and I'd like to think that those of us with experience provide some common sense.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/2/2012 12:05:49 PM

ClassAct2006

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If you don't know someone yet then they are usually pretty silly if they think they can at the start dominate you.
Once you're in a relationship then I think it can help to have some rules and structure which helps remind both sides of the dynamic.

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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/2/2012 12:36:40 PM

SailingBum

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Hell YA! I have been known to remind my bitch that i'm da boss man. Whether it's a "look" or a slap across her face. Hell I've even been known to emphasize a point with a slap. Depends on the situation.

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