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RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/2/2012 1:52:04 PM

kiwisub12

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He he - when I read the OPs "rant" i had an image of my late dom "putting me in my place" - ie face down on the exam table/at his feet/in the kitchen/tucking me into bed.

Our whole interaction was comprised of him putting me in my place - or in other words - the place that he wanted me to be in.

As for saying that he was going to put me in my place as a meaningless statement of supposed dominance? He didn't ever need to - he just did it.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 41

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/2/2012 8:34:36 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Wow... just wow.

Sometimes I find it astonishing that me, the vanilla guy, seems to get stuff about BDSM an awful lot better than the BDSM people. I can think of lots and lots of reasons that a submissive might want to be "put in her place" or a dom might feel the need to do so.

I hate to get in the way of a great bit of self-righteous indignation though so carry on.

A-Freakin-Men to that.

I'm happily and wonderfully imperfect. I love the man dearly and can't help but submit to him....usually. Sometimes I'm just tired. Sometimes I'm in a stubborn mood. Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I'm focused inward, instead of on the bigger picture. Sometimes the pressure and adrenaline I deal with all day at work has not relaxed by the time I'm home with him. Sometimes the exact thing I need is that "leash tug" (or hair yank, or face slap, or ass smack, or...even just a snap of his fingers) to refocus me in an instant and shed whatever else was going on in my psyche at the time.

In other words, he reminds me to be present. Cuz I'm human, and I need that sometimes.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 42

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/3/2012 8:23:34 AM

poise

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Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I'm happily and wonderfully imperfect. I love the man dearly and can't help but submit to him....usually. Sometimes I'm just tired. Sometimes I'm in a stubborn mood.
Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I'm focused inward, instead of on the bigger picture.
Sometimes the pressure and adrenaline I deal with all day at work has not relaxed by the time I'm home with him. Sometimes the exact thing I need is that "leash tug" (or hair yank, or face slap, or ass smack, or...even just a snap of his fingers) to refocus me in an instant and shed whatever else was going on in my psyche at the time.

In other words, he reminds me to be present. Cuz I'm human, and I need that sometimes.

A most awesome post!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 43

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/3/2012 9:01:13 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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double post *laughs*

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 44

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/5/2012 5:03:47 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss
So can some of yor please enlighten be on this need to "show a submissive their place?

I know who I am and what I want, I don't need arbitrary reminders. How many out there truly feel they constantly need to be reminded of their place, and why?

My perspective is that of a slave. Please keep that in mind when read the following as it won't apply to everyone who submits.

I am frequently put in my place. I don't always like it when it is going on. It can be quite painful, in fact, in all senses of that word. But I fully see the need for it. I'm not particularly disobedient or willful by my own standards. But I am forgetful at times and, indirectly, that is disobedient. So I really appreciate the reminders, they help me to become the type of slave he wants me to be. If he didn't have such high standards for a slave, I wouldn't be subject to this, but I've experienced masters who didn't have high standards for their slaves, and, as hard as it is to please him perfectly, I much prefer my current arrangement. Besides, it's wonderful to be really aware of your place when you are a slave. I don't fully understand why some have a hard time with being put in their place, despite all the explanations I read. I get the sense they associate it with being juvenile or being treated as more immature than they feel themselves to be? But I'm of an age where being treated like a juvenile seems... well... glorious. :-) And a slave's place is a wonderful place to be in--if you are suited for it.

Arbitrary reminders are especially nice, in my experience. They take me by surprise, they shock me back into awareness that I must obey him in every particular, that I am owned property. This is quite useful for a slave who is worked outside the home, as I am, to experience, as it's easy to to lose touch when performing my job, with who and what I really am. If you have consciously chosen slavery for your life, as I have, why wouldn't you want to be reminded of this? Why wouldn't you want your nose rubbed in your powerlessness and lack of choice and having to accept whatever your master should decide to subject you to? Being put in my place never grows old for me. I always feel more intensely submissive after it happens. Since that is the way I really want to feel and he really wants me to feel, it's a win for all situation.

I never see this situation as occurring because he doesn't have enough regard for me, enough respect for me, doesn't know how sincere I am, etc. For one thing, I don't think I have any right whatsoever to expect any of those attitudes from the person who owns me. It's slavery, after all. He can have have whatever attitude he wants and my job is to accommodate it. I'm not in it for the respect, lol! Besides, I know he knows me pretty well by now. So when he corrects me I know it is for a very good reason, for something I've missed or am not seeing, and I pay close attention and try to learn from the experience about what I am doing wrong. Usually I do learn something I didn't know before about myself or about pleasing him. Such learning is invaluable.

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"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 45

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/6/2012 2:14:08 AM

JeffBC

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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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So here I was, just going to comment on how it is that "not needing to put Carol in her place wasn't due to perfection". But then I read Nueva's post more carefully and I began to wonder what we're talking about here? I will certainly draw Carol's attention to me if it's wandering. I hadn't really thought of such things as "putting her in her place". Actually, between us it's more like me being helpful. But yes, I do most of those same behaviors for the same reasons she stated.

I'm guessing from Nueva's and poise's posts that you'd also think of me as strongly putting Carol in her place when I preface a command with "Stop. Listen and obey mine!" Between us, that's the ultimate "leash yank" although again, I hadn't really thought of it that way. To me, it was just being helpful by giving her fair warning. I'm about to give her a command which is going to change something... probably internal to her... possibly drastic... and she needs to be ready to accept it and implement it immediately. She goes into a state of very hyper-focused receptiveness. Now that I think on it, one might call that mindset "her place" and I definitely put her there.

... oh good lord... I think I may need to kill myself...

AND (it's going to hurt to admit this one)... I definitely instilled that response in her. If I squint and look at it just right I could say I "trained my slave" -- yet another concept that I didn't think I implemented. But yeah, Carol didn't come to me with a penchant for dropping into a near hypnotic (or maybe absolutely hypnotic) state at that particular phrase.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 4/6/2012 2:22:01 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 46

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/6/2012 10:40:42 PM

another1harder

Posts: 112
Joined: 3/11/2012
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I used to tell her, Go to your place. Then we bought a chaise. Now I say go to your chaise.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 47

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/6/2012 10:53:37 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

However inside of a committed relationship it can well mean something positive. That you're feeling insecure and off kilter and need something physical to help center you. From the sub, it can mean that they're the one asking for this. It's like asking for a metaphysical yank on the leash connecting one from the other. Or asking him to spank me to tears to help me feel better.

absolutely this!

Although we're happy together, sometimes (often!) life gets in the way of the M/s stuff, and there are times when I feel I've lost focus and I'm being overwhelmed by the chaos and demands of the 'real world' around me. At those times either I ask Master to remind me of my place, or he notices and does it of his own volition. Afterwards I feel calm, focussed and content.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 48

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/7/2012 7:36:01 AM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I'm guessing from Nueva's and poise's posts that you'd also think of me as strongly putting Carol in her place when I preface a command with "Stop. Listen and obey mine!" Between us, that's the ultimate "leash yank" although again, I hadn't really thought of it that way. To me, it was just being helpful by giving her fair warning. I'm about to give her a command which is going to change something... probably internal to her... possibly drastic... and she needs to be ready to accept it and implement it immediately. She goes into a state of very hyper-focused receptiveness. Now that I think on it, one might call that mindset "her place" and I definitely put her there.

I don't see that as strongly. And I do agree with the "being helpful" part - that's how I interpret the Mister's very similar words. Sometimes he just says, "Know your place" and that's what I need to hear. Know that my place is in servitude to him, so drop all the other bullshit swirling around in my head so I can be present, and focus on him and on us.

In the past, being put in my place was something of a pretty rough emotional (and often, but not always, physical) smack-down. It wasn't about bringing me into the "now," it was about pushing me back down when I was standing too tall for his liking. It worked for me...for awhile. Because my current relationship does not suppress the natural me, I don't need that kind of smack-down in it. He doesn't want me suppressed; he just wants me refocused, since we're both happiest when I'm back in my natural element of being submissive to him.

quote:

... oh good lord... I think I may need to kill myself...

Ha. Please don't. It's just words. We can call it something else if you want.

quote:

AND (it's going to hurt to admit this one)... I definitely instilled that response in her. If I squint and look at it just right I could say I "trained my slave" -- yet another concept that I didn't think I implemented. But yeah, Carol didn't come to me with a penchant for dropping into a near hypnotic (or maybe absolutely hypnotic) state at that particular phrase.

Trained, conditioned, evolved - however you want to wrap it. It all works.

I just wasn't getting a good feeling from the myriad of posts that basically rejected the idea and implied that those who used the concept of "place-putting" were living a fantasy of sorts, but no biggy. I do see a number of dudes fresh out of the starting gate who think it's a hot and kinky concept but who don't really understand the bigger picture, so maybe those posts were in reference to that. I just wanted to toss an another view of it into the mix.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 49

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/7/2012 3:41:37 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I don't see that as strongly.

Thanks for the clarification. Everything is, of course, relative. It's the strongest for us. I certainly can't think of anything I do which is anywhere near that level of... hrrrmm.... resetting her head space to a totally receptive one.

quote:

And I do agree with the "being helpful" part - that's how I interpret the Mister's very similar words. Sometimes he just says, "Know your place" and that's what I need to hear. Know that my place is in servitude to him, so drop all the other bullshit swirling around in my head so I can be present, and focus on him and on us.

See, this is what was interesting to me. I just associated the wrong meaning to "place putting".... more like what you said below...

quote:

In the past, being put in my place was something of a pretty rough emotional (and often, but not always, physical) smack-down.

yeah, that's what I had in mind. And honestly, if I needed to be doing that, I'd be wondering why I had the authority dynamic I do with Carol.

quote:

Trained, conditioned, evolved - however you want to wrap it. It all works.

*nods* This one slipped under my radar because in my head I didn't "train" anything. I needed something one time and I demanded it. The specific way I demanded it seemed to work pretty well so I did it more. Although, as I thought about it, it was clearly true that since I did it more, Carol got better at it... voila... training. It's just to me I was simply being dominant.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 50

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/7/2012 8:29:30 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

In the past, being put in my place was something of a pretty rough emotional (and often, but not always, physical) smack-down.

yeah, that's what I had in mind. And honestly, if I needed to be doing that, I'd be wondering why I had the authority dynamic I do with Carol.

About that. I can only try to describe what I now see, and didn't see back then. That sort of smack-down place putting was more for him than for me. There's no question he was super hard on me. He was hard on me, not because I needed it but because he got off on being that hard on me, in a very suppressive way. It is my opinion that people continue to return to their authentic selves. When my authentic self would eventually and gradually begin coming out, he'd smack me back down. I often felt like I was stored in a box, and when I'd lift my head to peek out, he'd shove me back in and close the lid. That was his way of putting me in my place. It really had more to do with him than me, in retrospect. I was simply with the wrong person. In the beginning it gave me a sense of comfort to be smacked down, but as my views continued to broaden, I no longer liked those smack-downs. I complied, but it didn't feel natural or right.

Maybe that sheds some light on what I was talking about. It wasn't because I didn't obey or didn't know my place; it was because I was in the wrong place.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 51

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/7/2012 9:36:16 PM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
Maybe that sheds some light on what I was talking about. It wasn't because I didn't obey or didn't know my place; it was because I was in the wrong place.

*chuckles* yeah.. I'd already known that. But it's been a long time since I've said something like this so let me do it again. I'm really glad you found "your place" :)

I have to say, the idea of suppressing Carol's carol-ness... that wouldn't be just be a non-starter in my world... in a hackles go up sort of way. that's exactly how I interpreted your statement. Her "obedience" would not be the question. The question would be all about my sense of being a good man.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 52

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/8/2012 8:43:42 PM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
But it's been a long time since I've said something like this so let me do it again. I'm really glad you found "your place" :)

Thanks, Jeff. I'm really glad I've found it, too.

quote:

I have to say, the idea of suppressing Carol's carol-ness... that wouldn't be just be a non-starter in my world... in a hackles go up sort of way. that's exactly how I interpreted your statement. Her "obedience" would not be the question. The question would be all about my sense of being a good man.

I think The Mister would feel the same way you do. I was thinking about all of this today, while out and about with him. While the former owner was not the "right" place for me, for a time he was, because it was exactly what I needed, to transition from the way life was then, to the way life is now. Absolutely no regrets. So it's not about whether the former was a good man or not - that's up to him, ultimately. It's that he was, apparently, exactly what I needed to get from where I was to where I am. Place-putting and all.

Pretty damn cool if you ask me.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 53

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/8/2012 11:12:43 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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Considering what you wrote here, and in your profile, is this the weekly outlet for your frustration? It is not an effective way to make friends, you're unhappy and now we have to suffer.

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 54

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/9/2012 3:12:14 AM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss

So can some of yor please enlighten be on this need to "show a submissive their place?

I know who I am and what I want, I don't need arbitrary reminders. How many out there truly feel they constantly need to be reminded of their place, and why?

It's code for "I like it when the sub fights so the Dom/me has a reason to break them in" Male subs like to throw it around too.

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 55

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/9/2012 3:27:30 AM

ravishers

Posts: 38
Joined: 1/18/2012
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quote:

"show a submissive their place?

There are times a sub or slave becomes "to free" in her behaviour.
If you think she goes to far....you show her her place.

Also some slaves..whom I know...need this..to feel their Dom is on top. They need to feel control constantly.

So..it can be a need from both sides..Dominant or submissive.

(in reply to artemiss)

Post #: 56

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/9/2012 5:05:50 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Whoa, clearly the fantasy porn jockey that I apparently am is waaaaay more underwhelmed with your post than ChatteParfaitt.

Are you an advocate for passive/neutered "dominance" or just for all relationships to be founded on the egalitarian vanilla (theory)?

Either way, I'm scratching my head as to why you even bother with a site like CM. You're not bdsm's Che trying to champion a revolution we ignorant peasants don't want or need, per chance?

Focus.

The OP was very specifically speaking of dominants who are trying to get to know her approaching her with the "know your place" crap. I'm going to go waaaaaaaaaay out on a limb and suggest that you have not had many male dominants approach you as a potential partner (What can I say? I'm psychic that way.) If you did, you'd be calling much of what they do/say/try on for size crap as well, I assure you.

As Killerangel siad:

I"ve been approached so many times by men who it seems are running through a script in relating to me what they will do and how they will handle things between us.

It's the clueless running through a script that many find objectionable.

(Of course putting someone in their place has a completely different connotation within the confines of a committed relationship. )

On a positive note, that someone appears to be running through a script is an easy weeding out device for those who are seeking a dominant who can relate to them as a person.

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Post #: 57

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/9/2012 2:58:52 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

The OP was very specifically speaking of dominants who are trying to get to know her approaching her with the "know your place" crap. I'm going to go waaaaaaaaaay out on a limb and suggest that you have not had many male dominants approach you as a potential partner (What can I say? I'm psychic that way.) If you did, you'd be calling much of what they do/say/try on for size crap as well, I assure you.

As Killerangel siad:

I"ve been approached so many times by men who it seems are running through a script in relating to me what they will do and how they will handle things between us.

It's the clueless running through a script that many find objectionable.

(Of course putting someone in their place has a completely different connotation within the confines of a committed relationship. )

On a positive note, that someone appears to be running through a script is an easy weeding out device for those who are seeking a dominant who can relate to them as a person.

I'm well aware of the predominantly male "dominants" who troll these sites in search of women, preferably of the naive newbie variety....

That said, I concede you're just gonna have to show me where the OP (who is artemiss, not Killerangel) was "very specifically" speaking of first-up approaches.

The OP's first post is an admitted rant with no detail while her later post makes several references to *relationships*. And do try and spare me crap about how we have a relationship with the virtual stranger who delivers your mail etc. 'Cause that doesn't cut the "very specific" mustard....

Me, I think there's a small disconnect from the OP to Killerangel's post (and thus to you; to me). They (Killerangel & the OP) *may* have been speaking of the same thing but no, there's nothing in the OP's two posts for you to claim they "very specifically" were. So I'm suspecting female antennae may be liberally filling in a blank, here.... <poking the bear some> ;)

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 58

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/9/2012 3:13:50 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss

Ok, I'll admit this is half rant, because the saying just grates on me.

But on the other hand, it is so prevalent around here that it has to be important to many.

So can some of yor please enlighten be on this need to "show a submissive their place?

I know who I am and what I want, I don't need arbitrary reminders. How many out there truly feel they constantly need to be reminded of their place, and why?

I think that what you're experiencing may be a (/n inappropriate) way that dominants are dealing with the "submissives" that are actually kinksters who have been convinced that if they're masochists, they must be submissive.

Like it or not in a place such as this, all we have, initially, to get a "read" on someone is what's in their profile. I have been lamenting the sparse choices offered for this purpose for quite some time, here.

That said, if the approach bothers you that much, just don't tolerate it. Ladies, here - as in any other relationship search site - are at a distinct advantage because:

A) they have a number advantage and

2) they are dealing with men (who are, on the whole, "easy")

I wish you luck in your pursuit and hope that your experiences become more pleasurable.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

Oh! One more thing; before I go:

Attachment (1)

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Post #: 59

RE: Remind me of my place? - 4/9/2012 3:38:50 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
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Off-topic on the Cinderella thing,
So a woman's place is on her knees under the thumb of a Matron authority? I could get behind that... lol

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 60

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