AAkasha
Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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This is from a series I wrote several years ago called "The Good Girl's Guide to Domination." It got a lot of positive feedback from couples in your situation.
The Good Girl’s Guide to Domination
"I believe that many women are intimidated by and uncomfortable with the concept of erotic female domination because of the way they see it portrayed in adult films and in the media. I believe that men also develop many bad habits after years of satisfying their fantasies on their own, and focusing on their own pleasure. Through communication, trust and safe, sane & consensual exploration of erotic power exchange, I think many couples can experience pleasure they never imagined, and also develop better relationship communication and intimacy."
INTRODUCTION
I receive a lot of email from women who are exploring domination. Many of them are doing it at the urging of their husbands or boyfriends, and the woman's attitude can range from "This sounds ridiculous and twisted and I don't think I can ever do it but I want to make him happy" to "Hmm, sounds kind of interesting, but some of that stuff is just too weird." The common question is always, "Where do I even start?"
I decided to develop a series of "scenes" that range from extremely tame to a little more risky. But rather than just say, "Tie up your mate and do this, that, and the other thing to him," I wanted to add what is important:
What YOU might get out of it
How you can do it without feeling uncomfortable
How to communicate about it
Hopefully, the end result will be that you find there are things you kind of enjoy, things you do once and say "not for me," and things you do and look back and think, "Hey, that was really HOT! I want to try that again."
ABOUT ME
To help you better understand where I am coming from, let me tell you a little bit about who I am, and about this web site. I'm a very normal woman living a very normal life, with a career, and a mate. Unlike most of the women I hear from, I got into "erotic power exchange" on my own, when I was an experimenting teenager, and was not introduced to this by a boyfriend or husband. When I was a teenager, while relatively sexually conservative, I was fascinated with the sensualism associated with games like tying up my partner, or using blindfolds. As I got older, I was exposed to more, at my own pace, and found that there were a great many things I could enjoy with a partner. Some of them are considered quite kinky. In fact, some of the things I do now, I would NEVER have imagined I would do! One thing has never changed though, and let me make this clear:
I have always found the portrayal of "dominant women" in adult films and most adult erotica to be cheesy, ridiculous, and sometimes downright silly.
Chances are that you might only know about female domination from these ridiculous portrayals of latex clad divas and men acting pathetic and you feel embarrassed for them. Rest assured, this is NOT what you are going to become. These films are developed to cater to a male audience. And most men, while they kind of dig that fantasy, really want one thing: A woman who really ENJOYS dominating him. That is more important than a costume or a fetish.
First, the rules. Please read these WITH your mate.
FOR HIM:
--No nagging. Don't push her into doing it. Let her do it when she is ready. Don't pressure. If she says "I am going to give this a try when I am ready," you are to back off and let her approach it in her own way.
--No asking for more. When she's done with the scene or session with you, don't ask for more. Even if you think you are complimenting her by saying, "Oh I am so turned on, please can we keep going" -- DON'T. There is a time for communication (more on that later), but when she signals that she is done, you can't ask for more.
--Don't top from the bottom. No hinting at her, no telling her what to do, no trying to "help" her unless she asks for it. No trying to manipulate her into doing more of what you like. THE PURPOSE OF THIS IS FOR HER TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE ENJOYS. You already know what you enjoy.
--Don't get addicted. The rush will be fantastic. Separate your relationship from your passion for these games and don't let it rule your life. Provide her with appropriate affection and encouragement in the hours and days following her exploration, without expecting anything in return.
--Retain dignity. If groveling is your kink, please tone it down. Keep your reactions in check and note how she responds to your reactions. The goal here is to not have her feel uncomfortable when she sees you submit. All women react differently to varying degrees of humility in their mates. It's your job to find out what her comfort zone is. It might change with time, but out of the gate you want her to enjoy it and not be distracted by you acting too pathetic for her taste.
FOR HER:
--Enjoy yourself. Let go. Don't compare yourself to the stereotype of what you think "female domination" is -- whether it be a dominatrix you saw on TV or something you read in the newspaper or saw in an adult movie or B-movie. This isn't the same thing.
--Enjoy yourself. Make sure you do the things you like and do them lots. If something feels right but you feel confused about it, know that you can reflect on it later, communicate with your mate and find out how you feel about it.
--Enjoy yourself. This is YOUR time. Do not get caught in the trap of thinking, "Ok, I can do this. I can stomach it to please my partner because I love him." That's not the point. It defeats the purpose.
--BE SAFE. Most of these examples are fairly tame, but always know your partner, his health situation, allergies. Always have a communication mode set up, either agree to talk openly during the entire time (So if he says "STOP", that means stop), or set up a "SAFEWORD" if you prefer to role play -- so if he says "STOP" and is just being dramatic, have a code word that really means "STOP". Personally, I prefer open communication, especially if you are just starting.
THE GROUND RULES FOR BOTH PEOPLE
--All play is initiated by the woman. She picks the date and time. It is up to her whether or not to give advanced notice, and also to still NOT choose to play at that time.
--Play starts AND stops when she feels it should. When she is finished, or "stuck," or if she feels that it just isn't clicking with her, she says, "I'd like to stop now," and all bets are off.
--Communication must take place after the "scene" is over -- in preferably three segments. One, about ten or fifteen minutes after completion. Spend some quiet time cuddling or making love, and then take a few minutes to reflect on how both people enjoyed it. Talk about it again later -- a few hours later. Often new feelings come out. Then, try to talk about it the next day when you have had a chance to totally remove yourself.
TOPICS FOR POST-SCENE DISCUSSION
--What did she enjoy most? This is her opportunity to share what has worked for her. Also, ladies, remember that often a great deal of the pleasure the man receives is in knowing that he did a good job or made her feel good. This is your chance to give him praise.
--What pushed his buttons? Gentlemen, please do not use this post-scene time to lay out your laundry or wish list. YES, do tell her what pushed your buttons. But cautiously phrase things. DO say things like, "When you pinched my nipples, I thought I was going to lose it! That was so intense and exciting." DO NOT say things like, "I wish you would have pinched my nipples more." Don't phrase things in the negative. Say what you liked, not what could have been better, UNLESS she asks you. This is confidence-building time.
--What odd emotions are you facing? For both partners. Guilt? Shame? Why are you feeling these things? What is worrying or nagging you? Talk through the roller coaster of emotions are you both feeling to better understand how this makes you feel. Note that many times the emotions run VERY high right after completing this kind of scenario, and it takes some time to level off. Think about what you are feeling and talk about it.
--Aftercare -- do not underestimate the importance of "aftercare" for both partners. It is common for one or both people to feel exhausted, zoned, restless or confused. Often a sure-fire aftercare method, to help both people settle down, is good old fashioned quiet cuddling. Gentlemen, do not forget that femdoms need aftercare too -- often they are dealing with confusing feelings of guilt, or wondering if they were adequate. Also, remember that aftercare comes also the next day -- a phone call or an email to say again, "I really enjoyed that." The bottom line: Communicate!
QUICK TIPS FOR HER ENJOYMENT:
Ladies, I cannot emphasize enough how important these few tips are:
1. ENJOY YOURSELF. Don't try to do this just to please your partner. This is playful, sexual experimentation. Treat it as that.
2. DO NOT force yourself to do any of these things if you are not in the mood. Period.
3. KNOW THAT YOU CAN STOP whenever you want. He knows the rules. You do this on your time. Don't feel obligated.
4. THINK ABOUT the fantasy/scene ahead of time -- a day or two before, a few hours before. Think about what will make it exciting for you. Think about how shocked and enamored he is going to be.
5. REMEMBER there is no set start and stop time, or "time length" this should last. It may be ten or fifteen minutes. It may be a half hour. It may be broken up throughout the day or over a few days. When you are done, or feeling not quite into it, you say, "I am ready to stop now." At first, you may want to purposely take less time in your adventures -- they can be exhausting!
ON TO THE SCENES
The following are simple suggestions for games that you can play with your mate. You take on all the risks involved, and please note that these are suggestions. Always keep safety in mind, and be aware of your partner's physical and emotional well being. Always communicate and always have an agreed upon way to stop the interaction immediately. This is critical to trust and safety!
_____________________________
Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]
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RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. - 
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Imagine that smilie saying "I am the boss" while the "submissive" pulls all the strings and see how ridiculous that looks. Or, TRY to see how ridiculous that looks to ME. 
wake up to what you are doing. Any chance she is having of feeling her own power and enjoying using it, you are taking a wrecking ball right through it and making her very aware that she truly has no power at all. 
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