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Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:24:10 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

Hello to all,

I've recently had an experience that has made me question my good judgement (or lack of it). I was very impressed with a dominant and actually thought we might have some future together as a real life couple. As time went on and we chatted via instant message and voice though it appeared that he wanted me to cut off all contact with my former doms who are, and always will be good friends of mine.

Now, he wanted me to do this before we became real life and before he himself was willing to make a full time committment. He later claimed I misunderstood his intentions, but when I hestitated to do as he asked, he invented a reason to cut off all contact with me. He has since gone on to display overt behavior indicating that he's intent on "collecting" as many women as possible. I read this to mean that he's not really serious about any real life relationship at all but rather seems to be boosting his own ego by creating as much furor and directing as much attention as possible to himself.

Do any of you consider that a dominant who displays very little discrimination in their actions to be merely toying around or am I just reading too much into this, or is it your opinion that I'm just extremely gullible?

I know, of course, that no one can definitely answer that for me, but I'm just curious as to how this type of behavior on the part of a dominant might be interpreted by others. Thanks in advance if anyone has any opinions on this.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Post #: 1

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:31:01 PM

CollaredProperty

Posts: 167
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline

What concerns Me is the fact that he is wanting to "collect" as many women as possible? Makes you wonder if His intentions are honorable. I can understand wanting to be "poly" but that is a whole other subject. Follow you gut if it feels wrong then it is wrong.

slave susan

_____________________________

slave susan
Under A Collar Of Consideration By Master L
Moved to Tulsa Oklahoma
"BDSM SLAVE ONLY, ALPHA TYPE, PASSION FOR EXTREME EDGE PLAY, IT IS NOT ABOUT SEX FOR ME, IT'S ABOUT TPE"

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:34:34 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Is this overt flirting? Is he actually openly dating many submissives? I do not have enough info to state anything about him. I do think you were right not to end anything (friendship or otherwise) for someone I had not met.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 3

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:38:08 PM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

It's possible he could be exactly what you think, or not. I've known some men who were collectors of women. Often they claimed to be Doms, but I've wondered about that. I've learned to listen to the inner pull I feel when I'm around someone with a truly dominant personality. The collectors didn't have that same pull.

Some guys just like poly too with no other men around to compete.

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 4

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:39:47 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wytchywoman

Hello to all,

I've recently had an experience that has made me question my good judgement (or lack of it). I was very impressed with a dominant and actually thought we might have some future together as a real life couple. As time went on and we chatted via instant message and voice though it appeared that he wanted me to cut off all contact with my former doms who are, and always will be good friends of mine.

Now, he wanted me to do this before we became real life and before he himself was willing to make a full time committment. He later claimed I misunderstood his intentions, but when I hestitated to do as he asked, he invented a reason to cut off all contact with me. He has since gone on to display overt behavior indicating that he's intent on "collecting" as many women as possible. I read this to mean that he's not really serious about any real life relationship at all but rather seems to be boosting his own ego by creating as much furor and directing as much attention as possible to himself.

Do any of you consider that a dominant who displays very little discrimination in their actions to be merely toying around or am I just reading too much into this, or is it your opinion that I'm just extremely gullible?

I know, of course, that no one can definitely answer that for me, but I'm just curious as to how this type of behavior on the part of a dominant might be interpreted by others. Thanks in advance if anyone has any opinions on this.

It strikes me as a akin to so-called "player" behavior. He wants you to cut off all contact with former dominants (insecurity? jealousy? to prove how serious you are about being 'his'?) before making your relationship real-time... when called on it, the fault is now yours...soon afterwards, he is moving...and moving...and moving on. I don't call it very gentlemanly behavior. I almost hate commenting on it in terms of D/s...so many variations of D/s relationships and so many types of domination / submission exist... but this person doesn't strike me as having several of the facets that a dominant is supposed to have: responsibility and concern for the submissive he is with/courting, honesty, patience, 'real' self-assurance.

Personally...I think you got lucky in the long run. MOO, YMMV

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 5

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:43:28 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Is this overt flirting? Is he actually openly dating many submissives?

This is all being done online with him. He doesn't appear to have any real life subs/slaves. We had been working toward real life (at least I thought) until this bit of "confusion" as he referred to it happened. I will admit that I had a bad reaction toward this confusion but he used my hurt and confusion to invent an excuse to simply cut off all contact with me.

In my eyes, a dominant who is sincerely interested in building a real life, long term relationship should be willing and able to work through these instances of miscommunication if they are honestly looking to establish more than an idle flirtation. All relationships have their ups and downs and times of misunderstanding and especially when in the initial stages. I was simply left with the impression that he's just out for as many light-hearted conquests as he can manage.

I wish I didn't still care and I'm trying to figure out why I still care. It would be so much easier to just blow it off like he did.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 6

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:45:31 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

The most important issue here for me is that -you- are uncomfortable with the way that this is turning out. You are not a victim, and your mind is obviously clear enough to tell you that this situation is -not- one that you are comfortable with. Whether this individual might make a good owner for someone else is not particularly relevant, but what -is- relevant is that this person is unlikely to be a good fit for -you-, with as strongly as you are expressing discomfort with his plans and methods.

I would suggest that you graciously step out of this relationship and keep looking for someone who is a better fit for your desires, needs and expectations. (And don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't have expectations -- that is unrealistic. You are entitled to a relationship that is satisfying and healthy for you, and you have the right to expect that.)

Da'Avatar ZWD

www.klashaan.org

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 7

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:50:03 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

Thank you so much for you input, CreativeDominant. I've been mulling this over and over in my head for nearly two weeks now. I appreciate the insight that everyone is giving here but I'm still feeling like a naive fool to fall for something like this at my advanced age.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 8

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:53:23 PM

NCSilverWolves

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline

Personally.... if i'm asked to stop communications with anyone.... by anyone..... I walk. I'm not about to allow someone tell me whom I may associate with and not. If someones that's insecure.... then there's no trust...and no relationship. But like stated... that's my own personal thoughts on this.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 9

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:56:55 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wytchywoman

Hello to all,

I've recently had an experience that has made me question my good judgement (or lack of it). I was very impressed with a dominant and actually thought we might have some future together as a real life couple. As time went on and we chatted via instant message and voice though it appeared that he wanted me to cut off all contact with my former doms who are, and always will be good friends of mine.

Now, he wanted me to do this before we became real life and before he himself was willing to make a full time committment. He later claimed I misunderstood his intentions, but when I hestitated to do as he asked, he invented a reason to cut off all contact with me. He has since gone on to display overt behavior indicating that he's intent on "collecting" as many women as possible. I read this to mean that he's not really serious about any real life relationship at all but rather seems to be boosting his own ego by creating as much furor and directing as much attention as possible to himself.

Do any of you consider that a dominant who displays very little discrimination in their actions to be merely toying around or am I just reading too much into this, or is it your opinion that I'm just extremely gullible?

I know, of course, that no one can definitely answer that for me, but I'm just curious as to how this type of behavior on the part of a dominant might be interpreted by others. Thanks in advance if anyone has any opinions on this.

Hi wytchy:

Im not exactly on a roll today, as I seem to have pissed off half of the collar me community, but of course I have to stick my two cents in here too. lol.

From the facts that you have stated...I would say...and I could be wrong...but in my opinion when they start trying to take control over who you speak to etc, *before* they have made any real commitment to the submissive, then they are stepping out of line, or out of bounds. I think once we begin to be obedient to them, and make changes in our lives and changes in our behaviors (even small ones) then the process has already begun for us (the submissive). So its nice to see that the dominant party is also making progress towards his end of it. I have found some doms---not all---but some, like to take something without giving anything back. Or they like to see you prove yourself to them. which I consider to be bullshit. Him cutting you off could be his idea of punishment for not cutting off your ex dom friends.
The woman-collecting issue could be one of concern. If he is poly and up front about it , then there isnt much that can be done about that. You either have to accept it, or move on. Im afraid its unlikely that you can change him.

I define poly as a man who keeps, and cares for more than one slave. But some doms define poly as meaning they are free to fuck anything that breaths and stick it under the same umbrella as those who live in poly relationships. Im not sure what he/you mean by women-collecting, so I cant say much more than that. on it.

To try and answer your question; it is hard because it was multi-faceted.   But it doesnt sound like he is very serious. Im not talking for him, just going on what you have stated.

If I were you, I would pursue it just a little bit more, so that you have no regrets and can get all of your answers before making a decision on which way to go. God...they sure do leave us analyzing, dont they??

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 10

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:57:14 PM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

I'm sorry that this has happened to you and that a potentially good situation for you turned bad. I truely wish you had found what you were looking for, it's hard to come to terms with feeling tricked or cheated, or dupped, I think when soemthing like that happens, we always wonder 'ug how can I fall for that'. I think when it comes to mattes of the heart, our common sense and wisdom can take a trip out of the back door while we allow our emotions just flow and feel out the other person. No I don't think you were naive or foolish, you allowed yourself to play something new out, to try for something new, sadly it just didn't go as far as you would have liked, or the way you would have liked it. Now you will have new questions and thoughts for the next time this happens..

As for do I think this person is a Dom or a collector, I will reserve my opinion since we haven't gotten to hear his side, and I have recently learnt alot about judgement of others from another thread...

yours,
dancer

< Message edited by desertdancer -- 6/5/2006 5:59:32 PM >

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 11

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 5:58:58 PM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline

Hmmm.....if he does not seem to have any real life subs/slaves then how is that equivalent to being a 'collector'? Because of flirting?
I dunno...just trying to understand is all. I mean, respectfully, in a way it just kinda seems like maybe you are just feeling burned and maybe are looking to justify your feelings or something.
Maybe his behavior has always been to be friendly and flirty and it only becomes a problem when things are not going exactly how you would like them too. Sounds like you really like this person.

Just a random point of view. Not intended to offend.

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 12

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:01:38 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

You are not a victim, and your mind is obviously clear enough to tell you that this situation is -not- one that you are comfortable with. Whether this individual might make a good owner for someone else is not particularly relevant, but what -is- relevant is that this person is unlikely to be a good fit for -you-, with as strongly as you are expressing discomfort with his plans and methods.

I would suggest that you graciously step out of this relationship and keep looking for someone who is a better fit for your desires, needs and expectations. (And don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't have expectations -- that is unrealistic. You are entitled to a relationship that is satisfying and healthy for you, and you have the right to expect that.)

Thank you as well for your input, LadiesBladewing. Clearly, I'm not a victim, but I am very disillusioned to have believed in this man's sincerity. There is no question of graciously stepping out of the relationship since he is the one who severed it completely by using as an excuse that I could no longer be trusted because of the confusion and my reaction to it. My issue still is, and always will be the fact that I was stupid enough to believe that he was remotely capable of establishing any kind relationship beyond the most superficial. Worse than that, I still feel a strong pull toward him even knowing what I do now.

I think at this point my problem is that I'm grieving over what I wanted the relationship to be rather than acknowledging the reality of what it never could be. I appreciate the opportunity to just express my frustration and do hope that I'm not annoying anyone.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 13

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:01:40 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Wytchy..

Always best to keep a tight reign on that heart till you get toes to toes with someone. You're a beautiful woman and you're going to find someone who appreciates all you have to offer. Chalk this one up to a life experience, appreciate it for what it was.. and try to move on past it, a bit wiser for the knowledge you've gained. Write me on the other side if you ever wanna talk about it, hon.

<hugs>

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 14

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:07:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I always hate that part- when you KNOW you shouldn't care, but you still do anyway.

When you KNOW better but your feelings still take over.

Hate that.

Anyway, this is one of the many reasons that I do not even consider someone as a possible relationship until I've met offline. I just don't. Until we meet offline, it's just a casual friendship.

And when we meet offline, sometimes it stays that way.

Sadly you do seem to have gotten caught up with the typical rock star dom who collects groupies and has no idea what to really do with them. It's ok, your feelings will eventually stop irking you if you allow them to subside.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 15

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:15:26 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

If he is poly and up front about it , then there isnt much that can be done about that. You either have to accept it, or move on. Im afraid its unlikely that you can change him.

I define poly as a man who keeps, and cares for more than one slave. But some doms define poly as meaning they are free to fuck anything that breaths and stick it under the same umbrella as those who live in poly relationships. Im not sure what he/you mean by women-collecting, so I cant say much more than that. on it.

Another side note here: This man does not mention in his collarme profile that he is married. He does not mention that he has children. I only found this out by chatting with him via Yahoo messenger at which point he initially told me that he didn't intend to remain with his wife because she is not "into the lifestyle". As time went on, his story changed to "she isn't into it, but she'll allow me to have slaves".

Sheesh. I really did miss all the warning signs. Shame on me. But as I said, I wish I could stop beating up on myself and stop caring that he claims I hurt and betrayed him. My mind tells me to put it aside but my heart keeps aching for what I had hoped based on all the pretty words that came across my computer screen. Guess the saying is true that there's no fool like an old fool.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 16

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:20:24 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I always hate that part- when you KNOW you shouldn't care, but you still do anyway.

When you KNOW better but your feelings still take over.

Hate that.

Anyway, this is one of the many reasons that I do not even consider someone as a possible relationship until I've met offline. I just don't. Until we meet offline, it's just a casual friendship.

And when we meet offline, sometimes it stays that way.

Sadly you do seem to have gotten caught up with the typical rock star dom who collects groupies and has no idea what to really do with them. It's ok, your feelings will eventually stop irking you if you allow them to subside.

Thank you for helping to clarify what I was so miserably failing at expressing myself, LA. I'm still a bit ragged about putting all of this into such succinct wording as you're always so capable of doing. I normally don't post my private grief on message boards, but since I'm still aching after nearly two weeks I thought it might be cathartic to just get it out and all of you who've replied have helped me see things a bit clearer.

Thanks for listening and offering your input - all of you.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:25:47 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Is this overt flirting? Is he actually openly dating many submissives? I do not have enough info to state anything about him. I do think you were right not to end anything (friendship or otherwise) for someone I had not met.

Hello A/all,

There is an aspect to asking the person you are with to sever all contact with people in their life that smacks of insecurity on the person asking, as well as jealousy, immaturity, and possibly even the antecedent to mental abuse.

My first reaction in these situations, where I am asked to cut off my friends, involves the use of phrases like "go soak your head."

Since I dont force people to do things I am not willing to do myself...

But then I trust the person I am with to be honest with me about her friends, until proven otherwise.

Just me, could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:34:24 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wytchywoman

Hello to all,

I've recently had an experience that has made me question my good judgement (or lack of it). I was very impressed with a dominant and actually thought we might have some future together as a real life couple. As time went on and we chatted via instant message and voice though it appeared that he wanted me to cut off all contact with my former doms who are, and always will be good friends of mine.

Now, he wanted me to do this before we became real life and before he himself was willing to make a full time committment. He later claimed I misunderstood his intentions, but when I hestitated to do as he asked, he invented a reason to cut off all contact with me. He has since gone on to display overt behavior indicating that he's intent on "collecting" as many women as possible. I read this to mean that he's not really serious about any real life relationship at all but rather seems to be boosting his own ego by creating as much furor and directing as much attention as possible to himself.

Do any of you consider that a dominant who displays very little discrimination in their actions to be merely toying around or am I just reading too much into this, or is it your opinion that I'm just extremely gullible?

I know, of course, that no one can definitely answer that for me, but I'm just curious as to how this type of behavior on the part of a dominant might be interpreted by others. Thanks in advance if anyone has any opinions on this.

I think LA's quote fits this situation...
"Find stable partners,not a stable of partners."

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 19

RE: Dominant or just a collector? - 6/5/2006 6:40:30 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Give it time and you will not care. It is not necessarily wrong for someone to talk to as many people as they like (rt or online) in my eyes as long as they let everyone know they are playing the field. Playing the field is how we meet and then weed out those who suit us and those who do not.

Perhaps he cared for you but did not want to commit to online? Perhaps his possessiveness even surprised him? I do not know how to answer these things, but expecting that you end friendships for him when you have not yet met is a red flag either way. I am glad you seem to see this. Another one will come along before you know it.

Actually asking you to end friendships is probably wrong even if you has met... everyone has their own boundaries, but I have never had to end my friendships for anyone. It just seems wrong headed, unless these friendships were somehow harming you, and even then it is better to point this out to your partner rather than "forbidding them" to have friends. It smacks of abuse of power.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/5/2006 6:46:32 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 20

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