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Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 3:58:01 PM   
Bls419


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/8/2012
Status: offline 		Have you ever felt the need to fight your Dom/Master? Maybe just in the beginning to establish that he is going to win? How did you deal?
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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 4:00:10 PM   
IrishMist


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bls419

Have you ever felt the need to fight your Dom/Master? Maybe just in the beginning to establish that he is going to win? How did you deal?

Not as a means of discovering if he was 'going to win'. I had no desire to prove who had the biggest dick in the relationship.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 4:02:34 PM   
BurntKitty


Posts: 3340
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Status: offline 		If a relationship is begun with a deliberate conflict, it's doomed from the start.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 4:08:23 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, and no. I felt that urge, but after some life experience and self reflection, that feeling is actually just a manifest of wanting a 'take down'. That's different than fighting, and I've seen a lot of inexperienced girls do this. They purposefully try to 'be challanging' thinking it will prompt a dominant to want to 'quell' them.

Frankly it is the most unattractive thing a sub can do for me. If I am leaning towards the dominant position in a potential relationship, I don't want a brat, or a fighter, I want someone who's interested in submitting.
That said... I will do 'take-downs' ... but those are sexy reward scene's and misbehaving brats don't get them.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 4:09:29 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		From the other side of the kneel, I sometimes have to deal with defiance. Sometimes I show displeasure, sometimes I just blow it off, and sometimes I think of it as teasing. If it keeps recurring, I rethink the relationship.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 4:10:10 PM   
IrishMist


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quote:

That said... I will do 'take-downs' ... but those are sexy reward scene's and misbehaving brats don't get them.

ok
that's hot


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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 4:13:16 PM   
ProlificNeeds


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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

That said... I will do 'take-downs' ... but those are sexy reward scene's and misbehaving brats don't get them.

ok
that's hot


They totally are.. from BOTH sides. Possibly one of my most consistant fantasies are forceful take-down seductions.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 5:03:29 PM   
Bls419


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/8/2012
Status: offline 		I had never heard of a take down before, but that sounds about right. I'm not being bratty or trying to manipulate him haha maybe I didn't phrase the question well. I've talked to him about it and we are working through it. I'm a rookie and he seems to understand my needs/feelings better than I do at this point.

I was just wanting to know experiences others have had with this.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 5:16:20 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		No, I've never felt the need. He doesn't have to and never did have to prove he is dominant. It's his personality, it's who he is. He either wanted to be with me or not.

The day I have to fight him is the day I walk away from our relationship.


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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 6:10:04 PM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bls419

Have you ever felt the need to fight your Dom/Master? Maybe just in the beginning to establish that he is going to win? How did you deal?

Can't say I've ever felt this way with him. If anything, I'm the opposite. The last thing I want to do is fight. Too much negative energy wrapped up in that, and I prefer to focus on the positive. For me, there is no "winning" - we are either compatible or we're not. We're either on the same page or we're not. Instigating a fight creates stress where I'd rather not have it.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 6:19:34 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I was told in the very beginning that bratting is not tolerated and obedience expected.

I am not normally bratty.

Win/win!

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 6:39:17 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
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Status: offline 		Physically or verbally?

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 7:38:05 PM   
subbyinlosangele


Posts: 117
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bls419

Have you ever felt the need to fight your Dom/Master? Maybe just in the beginning to establish that he is going to win? How did you deal?



It depends what you mean by fight, and what the fight is about. Just because someone is a dom doesn't mean they are always right, and it doesn't mean they are going to win every argument, fight or disagreement, unless you are keeping the relationship totally in a kinky scene realm. I am not the type of pick a fight for show.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 9:59:27 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There's nothing wrong in needing to know that he will enforce the rules he's set. If you've told him how you feel and that you need this.

There's all kinds of things wrong in acting out and expecting him to read your mind and know why you're doing this. Because if he guesses wrong and believes he's been too strict, and loosens that leash instead of tightening it, you'll both be unhappy.

Remember, if you fight, it may mean to him that you don't want to submit. If he forced you without your consent, then that's a criminal act. If he's at all sensible, he won't want to risk you calling the cops. So you may well not get the result you're hoping for.

Unexpressed expectations never end well. Express them! So you're both on the same page.

But don't do this first thing in the morning. Nobody's at their best before coffee. And nobody wants a fight on their hands to get that cup of coffee.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 11:20:03 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		I wouldn't use the word "fight" to describe this, as it sounds very negative, but...yes, I have challenged my Master. I did it especially in the beginning of our relationship and when I first met him, and sometimes I still do it. It's absolutely not because I'm "testing his dominance"--I never needed to do that, as his competence, assertiveness, and dominance was always crystal clear to me.

And that was precisely why I challenged him. Because I was stubborn and not used to deferring to anyone. It felt weird to be internally compelled to defer to and follow someone, and so I'd get this feeling of indignation and stubbornness, which fueled me to challenge him. Physically or psychologically. It was always done in good fun and very playful--I have always liked a good challenge, and I knew that. The thing that I didn't know until I met him was that what I needed was to be challenged and lose. I'd challenge him and he'd stand his ground, play along, and take me down. That "take down" (thank you ProlificNeeds for the wording for that--the that was described felt very much like what I'm trying to get across here) felt good and right. Over time I came to terms with my nature to follow, defer to, and obey him...so I stopped challenging him so much. It was very much an internal issue of acceptance towards being who I am with him.

Nowadays, I still playfully "challenge" him at times, and sometimes he initiates it as well. Because it's fun for us, wrestling back and forth, and he always comes out on top (which is the best part. ) In a way it is a very intimate way that we show our affection for each other.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 11:48:17 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Well, we do martial arts so I fight him prolly every other week LOL.

But seriously, no, not really. I mean we've had some arguments, I think every couple does, but no real fights.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/13/2012 11:50:05 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		At the beginning of our relationship I will admit that I pushed at the boundaries, testing whether they were solid or ephemeral.

This is a response to other relationships where the dominant stopped being dominant once he'd 'won the prize'.

I spent a lot of time being 'taken down' by Master in the beginning, and we did discuss the reasons why I was doing what I was doing. Sometimes I didn't even realise I was doing it!

But now that we're settled and we've been together a long time there is no need to test any boundaries. Although occasionally I do get annoyed with decisions that have been made that I don't agree with, but that was my choice. Definitely a case of 'suck it up princess', lol

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/14/2012 6:26:42 AM   
DarkDreems


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/9/2012
Status: offline 		I think your question has more context when read in conjunction with your journal entry. O/others might want to scope that out to get a better handle on where you are coming from.

This reminds Me a great deal of a discussion I had with somebody a couple of weeks ago. She was interested in the lifestyle, but also still a bit fearful of the impact it would have on her. She was used to viewing herself in vanilla terms, and having vanilla relationship expectations. It was very difficult for Me to get her to understand the qualitative nature of submission. It wasn't about submitting to what was done to her. It is an internal process. Her self-imposed mental limits were very tight, and every time she neared that boundary, she would bounce back and retain control. The experience of true submission was waiting on the opposite side of that boundary, unfortunately. I'm not talking here about having your Dominant not respect your fetish limits, I'm really talking about emotional/psychological dynamics within yourself. If you have yourself on a tighter leash than your Dominant does, then you are witholding submission, and maybe its time for some very deep self-evaluation to figure out what is holding you back.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/14/2012 7:51:52 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks DarkDreems for suggesting we read the journal entry, I think that does shed more light onto the subject.

OP - I think I know what you are talking about. By the standards of many on here I am not a good sub. I have pushed and tested my husband. I have resisted perfectly reasonable orders. I have said 'fuck you' (I can almost feel the disapproval!). Until recently I would have struggled to articulate why. I thought I wanted him to force me to submit, to prove himself. He is obviously bigger and stronger so there was no question he could force me if needed. And I WANTED to submit, so why did I keep sabotaging my own efforts?

I think I was hoping that it would somehow end my inner confusion and conflict about my need to submit, as if he could somehow subdue the inner voice with force. I am much better now, though I occasionally walk the line. I admit, I still like being 'reminded' of my place. It reassures me that I am worth his effort.

It's not fashionable round here to admit to disobedience or doubts in your submission, but I was bad in the early days and I am still not perfect. But we worked through it together and there were lots of serious talks. I never did anything that would be hurtful to him or mean spirited.

I find if I'm having those niggling feelings I just need to tell him. Generally I'm on a long leash (metaphorically speaking) but sometimes he will tighten it for a while and it helps quell these weird emotions.

Sorry, I probably wasn't that helpful but you are not alone.

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RE: Need to fight? - 5/14/2012 9:30:14 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bls419
Have you ever felt the need to fight your Dom/Master? Maybe just in the beginning to establish that he is going to win? How did you deal?

No, Carol has never had this urge. We don't engage in combat with all the ensuing pain simply to find out "who will win". The answer is always, "we will both lose."

edited to add
Checking your journal entry per DarkDream's comment I understand better. So from what I've read a LOT of subs seems to think testing one's Dom is a right thing to do. You're in good company there. It wouldn't work out well with me but I think it's BDSM norm.


< Message edited by JeffBC -- 5/14/2012 9:33:48 AM >

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