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Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/16/2012 10:46:23 PM

GoodRoughness

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Joined: 4/25/2012
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I've found this is a hard issue for women I date to handle. I have never, not in my whole life been able to cum from a partner's touch. It could be conditioned or mental, who knows.

It's an issue I know will come up with any new partner. My last girlfriend thought it made her a failure as a woman that I needed to finish with my hand, even though she pushed me 95% of the way.

This condition allows me, I believe, more stamina in sex than most men and the ability to enjoy the pleasure of oral/intercourse for much longer. It still feels great.

I'm meeting a woman I met here in a couple weeks. It will be my first time in the community. We got to know each other and are talking on the phone, sending pics, figuring all the fantasies we want to live with each other. As a submissive woman, she says she enjoys giving pleasure more than anything. And I'm very happy to get to let out all the fantasies I've had locked away. How then can I tell her no matter what she does, it isn't going to bring me over the edge? I'll have been celibate from self pleasure for a couple weeks by the time I meet her, if there is any time where a woman could bring me off, it would be then. But I am doubtful. And I really don't want to trade my current stamina for the possibility of being a minute man if I learn to orgasm from sex.

Thoughts from submissive women mostly wanted. But any men with experience in this realm I'll listen.

Post #: 1

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 12:44:37 AM

LadyPact

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I know this is going to come off in the worst way, but it's something that I have to ask if I'm going to be able to help you. Is your inability to reach orgasm through outside stimuli due to your masturbation habits? That could be too frequently or being, shall we say, overly forceful with the way you've handled your own penis? I do know one person who had literally conditioned himself to the point that he could not achieve orgasm with someone else because he'd been jacking off too often (and too rough) that vaginal sex couldn't do it for him. I've also heard of people doing the same thing where porn was involved to the point where not being able to orgasm from regular sex anymore.

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(in reply to GoodRoughness)

Post #: 2

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 1:33:23 AM

bostondom55

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Joined: 9/26/2011
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In some tantric sex situations, the male is not expected to have an orgasm from vaginal, manual, oral or anal sex. To protect kidneys, a male not having a climax is indicated. I really don't see this as a huge issue. I can imagine that if a woman saw her worth based on how good the oral sex (or whatever) climax she can give her partner is, she could be uncomfortable with your issue, but again, I don't think you are facing a big deal.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 3:16:15 AM

RaspberryLemon

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Joined: 7/18/2011
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I would certainly feel inadequate if I could not bring my Master to orgasm. I enjoy pleasing him immensely, and thus if I could not do so in a complete and satisfactory manner, I would feel like I was "not good enough" even if the issue was his and not a problem with my performance. And to be perfectly honest, I'd vastly prefer a "minute man" over not being able to make him cum. I don't care how long or short he "lasts," I just want to make him feel good, whatever that takes.

That being said, I can't speak for others or how they will feel about it. The way to tell anyone anything is to just say it, in my opinion. No reason to beat about the bush. Telling her about it beforehand may make her try even harder to please you. However, in this case, it seems like your anxiety about this issue may be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, your nervousness about not being able to cum by your partner's touch makes it more difficult for you to do so. Performance anxiety can make things worse for most people. However, "stop worrying about it and thinking about it" is easier said than done. Perhaps trying to concentrate more on your partner will help to keep your mind off your anxiety?

Not sure what else I can recommend here. As LadyPact mentioned, could this issue possibly be due to masturbation habits? You said you've refrained from masturbation for a couple of weeks. Perhaps this will help. As said above, in my personal opinion, from the perspective of a submissive who enjoys giving pleasure, you being a "minute man" is likely to be vastly preferable to her than you not being able to cum at all by her touch. So if laying off the masturbation allows you to cum with your partner (even if you don't have your "stamina" anymore) I'd recommend it. Perhaps you could also teach her to touch you in the same way you touch yourself? In the end, your issue could be the result of many different things, so it would help if you yourself knew the underlying problems causing it--in which case you could possibly work to change that.

((Edited to fix a vocabulary error.))

< Message edited by RaspberryLemon -- 5/17/2012 3:20:34 AM >

(in reply to bostondom55)

Post #: 4

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 4:32:17 AM

Greta75

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Haha, tell her to come and read this thread, then she will know, you are serious and not trying to spare her feelings.
So you really cannot cum, even from penetration or oral?
Wow!
I sympathize, because I have the same problem. I cannot cum or get an orgasm from penetration. I've had vanilla men think it's their problem even though I tried to explain that I just cannot orgase from penetration, period. My insides are just numb.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/17/2012 4:34:40 AM >

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)

Post #: 5

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 5:25:21 AM

Soyokaze

Posts: 390
Joined: 4/1/2007
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I have a similar issue with lasting too long though I usually can eventually (no I don't masturbate frequently or violently). The only thing you can do (assuming you don't find an instant fix here) is be upfront about it; I wouldn't wait till your midway through : p

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 6:26:02 AM

Kana

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Joined: 10/24/2006
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Sack up and just tell her.
After that, it's on her...(maybe, hopefully, literally)

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 6:26:57 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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You tell her the moment you two are about to fuck.

Once you would tell me I would not fuck you and tell you to get a full physical and/or counseling and if you did I would still be here and waiting and see you through it. If you didn't then I would walk away because like you said, I would feel like a failure.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 6:37:02 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I know this is going to come off in the worst way, but it's something that I have to ask if I'm going to be able to help you. Is your inability to reach orgasm through outside stimuli due to your masturbation habits? That could be too frequently or being, shall we say, overly forceful with the way you've handled your own penis? I do know one person who had literally conditioned himself to the point that he could not achieve orgasm with someone else because he'd been jacking off too often (and too rough) that vaginal sex couldn't do it for him. I've also heard of people doing the same thing where porn was involved to the point where not being able to orgasm from regular sex anymore.

Stop the jacking off on your own. Just stop. In time, you will come from fucking.

BTW: This may very well be the hardest thing you have ever tried to do.

For females, using a vibe on your clit will make it *very* difficult to orgasm in any other way.
The tongue, finger or cock can't replicate those strong vibrations you are used to.

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Post #: 9

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 6:38:34 AM

mnottertail

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Joined: 11/3/2004
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Now I gotta give up dusting the old clown? Say it ain't so........

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Post #: 10

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 6:42:41 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
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I typically have the same problem. With a new lover, I frequently just don't go over the edge. After we've been together for a while, I get used to her and it happens. Know what? Don't worry about the destination. Relax and enjoy the journey.

LP had a good idea as well. Be 'hand celibate' before you meet and ya never know. I think a lot of the problem is that before you start to play with someone, you have already decided that you aren't going to cum. Guess what? if you have decided you have a problem, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You won't.

As I said before, just kick back and relax. Enjoy the trip instead of worrying about the destination and you just might surprise yourself.

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(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 7:50:36 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

In some tantric sex situations, the male is not expected to have an orgasm from vaginal, manual, oral or anal sex.

So if it doesn't work out with this chick, look to the kinky yogini population

(in reply to bostondom55)

Post #: 12

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:00:34 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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I can make myself cum in seconds (or hours) with my Eroscillator, but have never been able to cum when someone else is driving. I faked for years, stopped this 8 years ago, and now disclose this to potential partners well before we have sex, which is awkward, but so is being a mature adult.

A few years ago I had a regular play partner who was unable to cum except under precise conditions that we were unable to create together. I was never attached to me having an orgasm with him, and had to let go of him having an orgasm with me.

If you are with a woman whose focus is on the journey rather than the destination, you two can have wonderful explorations together. You should let go of the outcome as well and just enjoy the ride.

And you can always try the no masturbating thing - good luck!

(in reply to GoodRoughness)

Post #: 13

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:01:40 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I was in a situation like this and it really bothered me. I would be honest early in the game, so you can figure a workaround together. I would think of seeing a doctor, as well.

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Post #: 14

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:26:47 AM

PeonForHer

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Joined: 9/27/2008
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Yep, I've had this too. What I used to do was disguise the fact that I hadn't come by using a condom and faking an orgasm. That way, I'd avoid horrible conversations with a partner afterwards about her feelings of inadequacy. Women seem all too often to assume that every man will orgasm at the drop of a hat.

There could be clinical problems but, from what I've been able to make out, by far the greatest likelihood is just a psychological block. There is something about not being able to 'let go' just at the key moment. What worked for me was to throw everything into my 'sub side'. That is: I'd start a wild story in my head of her vagina 'sucking the come from me'. What might work for you could be the opposite, though: you're 'taking her completely', 'filling her with your essence' - whatever floats your biggest boat. The point is to let your mind go completely on the rampage.

But, but . . . at the same time, it has to be devoid of pressure - from yourself, or from her. It has to *not matter* if you don't come.

And don't worry about turning into a 'one-minuter', either. You've given yourself far too much training for that ever to happen.

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(in reply to GoodRoughness)

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:28:27 AM

fucktoyprincess

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Status: offline

Assuming your health is good (because it is a rare thing for a man to not be able to cum in the regular old-fashioned ways), I would say just raise it with her when you feel comfortable doing so and hope that she will not internalize it as a "challenge". In fact, I would raise that issue specifically, and ask her NOT to take it on as a challenge because it will only frustrate the two of you and get in the way of what could otherwise be a great thing.

Personally, I prefer orgasms from vaginal sex, so a man who can last a really long time is a huge bonus for someone wired like me. And as long as the man is fine with however he is cumming then I'm not bothered one way or the other. In other words if it doesn't bother you, I'm hard pressed to figure out why it should bother your partner. I think part of your challenge is to find women who are wired for the kind of staying power you have. Many women can only orgasm from oral, so the fact that you have staying power just matters less for them. So one thought is to search for someone for whom your particular style - staying power - is something in particular that they seek, because in my experience, while many men claim staying power, only a small percentage actually have it. And so a woman who actually wants/needs that sexually, will probably be just fine with your situation.

I would also consider allowing her input into how to eroticize your big moment - i.e., cumming on her, cumming in her mouth, cumming on yourself and having her lick it off, cumming in a glass and having her drink your cum, etc., etc., etc. - is there a way to make that moment something that feels erotic/submissive for her?

Now, if you are saying you, yourself, would prefer to cum in a different way, that's entirely a different story, but I didn't read that from your post.

< Message edited by fucktoyprincess -- 5/17/2012 8:36:36 AM >

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:36:17 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I am not sure why this bugs women. How many men care about female orgasms? It takes me a long time to trust anyone enough to have an orgasm, I know that it's a power issue for me in both diections.

If you take the approach that having sex is not *goal oriented*, and just a mutual pleasure, it might help.

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[page 23 girl]

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:51:17 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I am not sure why this bugs women. How many men care about female orgasms? It takes me a long time to trust anyone enough to have an orgasm, I know that it's a power issue for me in both diections.

If you take the approach that having sex is not *goal oriented*, and just a mutual pleasure, it might help.

I take a very long time to orgasm (what I consider a proper orgasm). I can have minor orgasms from oral, but I really only have a deeply satisfying orgasm from vaginal sex. So I only stay with partners who care about my orgasm because otherwise, it's just a frustrating experience for me, and while I am submissive, I still have my needs

But here is the thing, I know I can orgasm from vaginal, and I know how to get us, as a couple, to achieve that. It just requires a bit of cooperation from my Dominant (that most have been more than happy to do) in order to get me there. The men definitely consider it an "achievement". So I could understand the situation in reverse where if a man told me it was "difficult" for him to get there, it would feel like an achievement to get him there.

But if someone, male or female, tells me they are incapable of orgasm from a certain activity, I might try for a little while, just to ensure that everything has been tried, but after a point, I think one has to accept the person's viewpoint. So if a woman tells a man penetration won't help her achieve orgasm, I think, after a bit of trying, that the man has to take her word for it, and just do something else. What is the point of trying to achieve something that may not be achievable.

With that said, because the female orgasm is much more elusive, I would say men ought to care more about helping a woman discover how her body works. I only discovered I could orgasm vaginally because I had some very patient (vanilla) lovers with a lot of staying power when I was younger. I often wonder how many women could achieve vaginal orgasm if they had the right situation. But most men are not physically capable, or patient enough to really try. And achieving vaginal orgasm requires a certain amount of stamina on my part, too, so for some women, it just requires a lot of effort all the way around, and most people would just rather not.

But because male orgasm is much more easily achieved (I think the OP is in a distinct minority of the male population globally), I think women shouldn't be as concerned. Most men can achieve orgasm in the time-tested ways. So clearly if someone can't, they probably really can't (and whether it is physical or psychological) it does not have anything to do with the woman. But for female orgasm, the equation is different. Which man I am with absolutely determines whether we will be able to achieve vaginal orgasm for me or not. I've been with many men who either can't last long enough, or who just lack the patience or desire to want that. As you may well imagine those relationships don't last too long.

_____________________________

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:59:23 AM

MadameM4U

Posts: 62
Joined: 4/23/2012
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I don't orgasm very often. I can count on one hand the number of times I have had an orgasm in the past 25 years. I am always upfront with my partner about that so there is no expectation. My previous partner felt like an absolute failure and couldn't deal with it no matter how often I tried to reassure him that it was not because of anything he was doing or not doing.

For me, good sex is not about having an orgasm but is about that trip down pleasure lane.

Don't tell her that "no matter what she does" it won't bring you over the edge. Just tell her that you may not have an orgasm but that doesn't mean that you aren't enjoying your time together. Relax and enjoy and it may happen. If it does, great, and if it doesn't at least she knew in advance that you might not and it has no bearing on her performance.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 19

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 9:16:19 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am on meds with side effects. I have had men tell me I was "broken". (Yeah, they didnt last...) either someone is interested in figuring me out, or he's not.

I am thinking if you can talk to us, you can talk to her. If she's anything like me (speaking as "generic woman who enjoys men's bodies") she thinking of new ways to make it fun.

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