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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 1:30:44 PM

LaTigresse

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I have to agree with Kana (imagine...) on this one. She deserves to know, sooner rather than later.

To me, it would be like me going out on several dates with a guy then, telling him "Sorry dude, no sex, not into that part of the thing. I just wanted someone to take me out."

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Post #: 41

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 1:31:50 PM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

I'm just curious if this is a conclusion that comes from having a conversation with your partners about this, or from observing their behavior, or just how are you coming to this conclusion?

Them crying, getting miserable and depressed, saying such things as 'I'm ugly, what's the point?', feeling that I just must be deeply depressed about it despite what I say, etc, etc. And one citing it as a reason why she ditched me.

quote:

My conversations with most men actually suggest that for most men, in most instances, they can cum regardless of whether they even find a woman attractive, or regardless of how good she is in bed. So I've never associated a man's orgasm with my beauty, my technical proficiency, or any other thing that people might think it was related to that had to do with me.

Wow. That's not me and never could be me. I absolutely *do* have to find a woman attractive. But that is always the case with a woman with whom I'm having sex, natch, or I'd never have got into bed with her in the first place.

But more to the point, and without wishing to offend by stating the obvious: this isn't about most men. It's about the OP and people like him; also, women who've never come across this before but happen, unluckily, to find that their latest partner has this problem. It can rock a woman's complacency precisely because it's rare.

Sorry if I have a more cynical attitude about men and their approach to sex, but it does match what I've heard first hand and what I've observed. Again, with something like this, we can each only speak from our experiences.

Well, I guess my complacency is not rocked very easily. Because I've encountered all sorts of issues on the sexual front, and unless it actually has to do with me, well it doesn't have to do with me, if you know what I mean. Also, age could be a factor here. By a certain more advanced age, women have certainly encountered erectile dysfunction, even if they have never encountered male inability to orgasm from oral/vaginal. And the vast majority of women I know do not take ED personally. Especially in the era of ED drugs.

I wish more women would come forth to share how they would feel in this situation. Because my advice was based on feeling that the OP should search for women who would not find it an issue, or, in fact, find his stamina a positive. But if you're telling me 99% of women are going to take it personally, then I'm not sure what advice to give the OP.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 1:34:40 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I figure that if someone wants to put his hands on me, it's because he likes what I have. That can still mean the sex is lousy, but I am not taking all the blame for that if it happens! (Honestly, I was chided for 'moving from side to side'!)

Sexuality is a vulnerable area where self esteem is concerned. I was with a guy who had a ED moment and literally, all activities stopped and he turned on the tv! Me, vinegary old thing that I am, thought 'selfish bastage'. I know other women would have taken that as a personal failure.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 1:36:40 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I have to agree with Kana (imagine...) on this one. She deserves to know, sooner rather than later.

For me, in one case at least, she absolutely deserved *not* to know. She didn't get past the 'It's all about me being ugly' thing, got depressed and, finally, ditched me. She cited that as a reason why. I've reason to believe that she carried on feeling low about herself through relationships afterwards, too.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 1:38:13 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
But if you're telling me 99% of women are going to take it personally, then I'm not sure what advice to give the OP.

No, but probably 80% of the women that *I have been with*. That is, all but one. This one happened to be very, very glamorous. And didn't care about anything much in general, come to think of it.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 5/17/2012 1:42:00 PM >

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 1:49:36 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
But if you're telling me 99% of women are going to take it personally, then I'm not sure what advice to give the OP.

No, but probably 80% of the women that *I have been with*.

So this is the thing. We each speak from our own set of experiences, and I'm just trying to discern where the overall landscape is on this. Clearly there are women on this thread who have said that they don't blame themselves. So I'm just trying to determine if we really are in a small minority on this, or if maybe, for some reason, the women you are with have reacted particularly badly for some reason. Sorry, not trying to put you on the spot, but just wondering if there is anything about the type of woman you are attracted to that would make a bad reaction more likely. Because your advice is to not say anything. And intuitively to me that doesn't sound like the right advice when it comes to sexual matters.

Again, in my first response on this thread I did suggest the OP seek out women who enjoy orgasms from vaginal, because his stamina will matter much more to them then whether he cums inside of them or not. In other words, one way to forestall the bad reaction is to seek out a woman who might actually enjoy what he has to offer and who will happily contend with the fact that he can't cum without masturbating.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 2:04:26 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
I think it can be easy for a woman to be made to feel insufficient if the man can't orgasm or get an erection. "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" is a default setting for a lot of women, I think, especially where sexuality is concerned.

It's exactly that default setting that makes the situation so difficult. Lacking the 'why' is going to take some women to this conclusion because, as already has been mentioned, ability to achieve an erection or orgasm is such a basic assumption. I think it's a lot more commonly accepted that women run the range of the ability to orgasm because we've really only come into a greater understanding of it in the last few decades. I don't think we give the same acknowledgement when it comes to males.

I'm not laying that on the females, either. A male is his own worst enemy even when there is a root cause (i.e., medication, conditioning, etc) as soon as there is a performance issue, it becomes psychologically compounded. Fixing the original problem can be relatively easy. The other, not so much.

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Post #: 47

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 2:07:45 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

Sorry, not trying to put you on the spot, but just wondering if there is anything about the type of woman you are attracted to that would make a bad reaction more likely. Because your advice is to not say anything. And intuitively to me that doesn't sound like the right advice when it comes to sexual matters.

Well, I'm attracted to women who seem confident and assured (like most subs, I'd guess) . . . so, I don't know how I can help by answering that question.

But, as for what seems intuitively the right thing to do, morally speaking . . . no. My experience taught me that no knee-jerk 'honesty is the best policy' strategy was the best, or the only 'moral', solution. That quickly began to feel like dumping my problem on the woman, thereby making it far worse for both parties - because it'd 'bounce' between me and her in a mutually reinforcing worry about the feelings of both oneself and the other.

Well, put it this way: my strategy worked in the end. A small problem got smaller, then just went away. I hasn't happened for over a decade now.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 6:16:24 PM

ResidentSadist

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It's all conditioning. For the same reason don't use or let slaves use a vibrator, you gotta' stop jerkin' your own gerkin. No chick can compete with the power in those 18" guns your're sporting. It may take a week, even a month . . . but trust me, once you recondition your sensitivity level, you'll be dumping your loads in her with ease.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/17/2012 8:22:19 PM

susieqh

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@OP--Without reading through the entire thread I have been with two men who were not always able to cum. The one had medical issues and what got him off in the end was kissing while he stroked himself. He never made me feel like it was my fault. He always made sure I was well sated by his oral, toys and hands before he would get off. The other man was much older and for him it meant nothing to cum and he was all about just enjoying our pleasure playtime together. Neither of these situations made me feel like I was a failure as a woman as the men were upfront about their situations. For me the pleasure isn't about cumming but about the mental emotional pleasure connection we enjoyed together.

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Post #: 50

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 6:14:24 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Whether or not women should feel that it's all their fault isn't germane. The truth is, that we do feel that way.

But the problem with the op is that he doesn't want to change. He thinks it makes him more of a man because he can fuck for hours then it would if he only lasted a normal while. And that's wrong.

Just fucking for hours leaves women feeling sore. That's not pleasurable. The opposite instead. Being a great lover isn't about just imitating a jack hammer, dude. It's about paying attention to your partner.

You already know that this won't be a problem if you stop jerking off for a month or two, but you aren't willing to fix the problem in this very simple way. Why? The only reason I can see for not fixing the problem is that you like what it gets you. Which is not having a relationship. So you're deliberately doing something that gets you what you want - no emotional intimacy, no commitment. Why not examine why you're so afraid of these things and fix that instead.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 8:51:57 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Whether or not women should feel that it's all their fault isn't germane. The truth is, that we do feel that way.

I want to take this a step further and ask, "Then what are we doing about it?" Because in my world, we are responsible for our own feelings, reactions, mindsets, etc. Speaking for myself, I used to feel extremely inadequate and had very low self esteem. After a lifetime of feeling this way, I decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore, and I sought to do something about it.

We choose our mindsets. We choose how we feel, whether we're aware of that or not. Feeling inadequate because of someone else's physical or mental limitations is illogical. Why in the world would I take that on as my own problem? Life presents enough challenges without me inviting challenges that aren't even about me, and taking ownership of them. Do I really think I'm that powerful, that I can be responsible for everyone else's issues, too? No thank you!

To the OP: I tend to agree with those who say you've conditioned yourself. Years ago I used to enjoy (and I mean REALLY enjoy!) my Hitachi vibrator. I used it regularly when I was single, to the point where I had desensitized myself to any touch that didn't match it. I could not reach orgasm without it. Since I didn't want my body limited like that, I stopped. Now it's a rare treat, and only when the Mister says I can. But even before he took that level of authority over me, I wanted to achieve orgasm with men, too, so I stopped using it so much. It only took a few weeks to get back in the game, so to speak.

Sex can be an extremely important part of a relationship, depending on how sexual your partner is and what priority she gives sex. I know for myself, I love sex and I want it a LOT! It's an important part of our relationship - not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. It's not an issue for me if he ever doesn't cum - I enjoy the entire experience, but then the entire experience includes a whole lot more than just penetration. If ever he doesn't reach orgasm, I figure he's either got something on his mind that he hasn't worked through, or there's a physical reason, or something else. It's on him. No way would I own that.

In my last relationship, he was on meds for diabetes, and often did not cum during sex. He told me outright that he often doesn't reach orgasm, but sex itself is still very pleasurable to him, and not cumming in no way reflected my ability to please him - that it wasn't about me, it was about his meds. That was easy enough to accept, and we moved forward from there - no biggy.

I don't think you need to make a huge deal out of this when you talk to her. My suggestion is, stop the hand jobs awhile, tell her what's up (doesn't have to be a big ol' formal conversation, either), assure her that if you don't cum it's not because of her, and that you still very much enjoy sex whether you cum or not, and go from there. If you're creative, you can both enjoy an awesome experience, whether or not you have an orgasm.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 9:10:12 AM

MsSylverdawn

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I read your profile.. so your new to bdsm... maybe you need it rough to get off .. straight sex might be too mild for you.. maybe you need bondage... But what she needs is honesty. Hell would I complain if some man could bring me to orgasm repeatedly not really. I have experienced men who need a specific set of circumstances to orgasm. I am honestly not overly upset by that as long as I know upfront. I dont think its my defect as long as it I find out before I am busy giving the best head of me life and suddenly its been like 30 mins and my jaw is sore and he is looking a little rueful uhmmm well actually I need xyz to orgasm.. thats annoying and his fault for not informing me. Christ on a crutch we are after all ADULTS here... and as your looking for casual it should be about information... not emotion.

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Post #: 53

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 10:41:28 AM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You already know that this won't be a problem if you stop jerking off for a month or two

Abstaining from wanking didn't work for me. In fact, it may have exacerbated the problem because I could only do it by stopping myself thinking about sex - so I wasn't, therefore, 'practising' with my feelings at what did and didn't turn me on. And, whilst I was not coming during sex, I *was* coming as a result of wet dreams - during which, presumably, there was little or no physical stimulation involved at all.

I have to say that I think there's a view of male sexuality behind this idea of 'avoid wanking and you'll be fine' view that's too simple and too mechanical. It'd be laughable if I were to suggest that the obvious cure for a given woman's failing to reach orgasm would be for her to stop using her rampant rabbit. Granted, it's somewhat different for men - but *entirely* different?

quote:

But the problem with the op is that he doesn't want to change. He thinks it makes him more of a man because he can fuck for hours then it would if he only lasted a normal while. And that's wrong.

I think we can assume that he *does* want to change to at least some extent because he started a thread on the subject.

For a man it's great, of course, if you can go on for ages because you don't orgasm. But it really doesn't feel good, and you don't feel 'more of a man', if you don't orgasm at all. Quite the opposite, if anything. What the OP actually said was "And I really don't want to trade my current stamina for the possibility of being a minute man if I learn to orgasm from sex. " That speaks to me of the fear of premature ejaculation - the fear that, as a young man, he'll have heard much more about.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 5/18/2012 11:03:53 AM >

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 10:45:19 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Yanno..this is the first thread on actual sexuality we've had in ages. So thanks, OP, even if you never post another word.

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RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 11:49:41 AM

Char2688

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
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If you can't tell her that you can't cum
What exactly can you tell her
Man up
Open your mouth
Tell her
Give her the old line, it's me not you
Then move forward
If you cannot get past that you will never be able to explain that you have to wear a chicken suit and have a pickle up your ass to cum
Take the first step and quit being a whimp

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Post #: 56

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 12:16:30 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Char2688
that you will never be able to explain that you have to wear a chicken suit and have a pickle up your ass to cum
Take the first step and quit being a whimp

If I read nothing else on here I deem worth reading, seeing this will have made it all worth while.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 57

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 4:59:28 PM

graceadieu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I know this is going to come off in the worst way, but it's something that I have to ask if I'm going to be able to help you. Is your inability to reach orgasm through outside stimuli due to your masturbation habits? That could be too frequently or being, shall we say, overly forceful with the way you've handled your own penis? I do know one person who had literally conditioned himself to the point that he could not achieve orgasm with someone else because he'd been jacking off too often (and too rough) that vaginal sex couldn't do it for him. I've also heard of people doing the same thing where porn was involved to the point where not being able to orgasm from regular sex anymore.

You know, I think somebody writes in to Dan Savage at least every other month with this problem and that's exactly what he tells them. Stop jerking off like that. Retrain your body by mixing up your masturbation habits or just refraining.

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Post #: 58

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 6:18:32 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

You know, I think somebody writes in to Dan Savage at least every other month with this problem and that's exactly what he tells them. Stop jerking off like that. Retrain your body by mixing up your masturbation habits or just refraining.

I've not been able to find any expert advice that supports that view with my googling so far, though I have no doubt at all that everyone else who's put the 'don't wank' solution forward on this thread did their research thoroughly before advising it as the obvious answer to the OP's problem.

Is Dan Savage a noted expert in psychosexual problems? I'm not aware of him.

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Post #: 59

RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? - 5/18/2012 6:51:15 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Peon, the op has stated that the only way he can orgasm is from very rough self handling. Obviously this wasn't your problem because you weren't doing that while asleep. So the cause of your problems is not the same as the cause of his.

He's assuming that there are only the two extremes; premature ejaculation or no ejaculation at all. Whereas that's not in the least true. But he doesn't want to hear it.

He hasn't stated if premature ejaculation has ever been a problem and he's afraid he'll start having it again. I think that we can assume this isn't so or he would have said so.

I could understand this lack of knowledge about sexuality in a high schooler but not in a 26 year old. He hasn't tried to learn about male sexuality. He hasn't talked to his doctor. He hasn't read any books. And he refuses to try anything different. To me, when someone refuses to make any attempts to change, it's because they're getting something from the status quo. What he's getting from staying like this and not talking to partners is not keeping a partner. I have to assume that if he really wanted something to change deep down, then he would take steps to make changes.

Now, due to my own experiences, I'm assuming that he wants to avoid emotional intimacy and that's why he won't make any changes or seek any help. He's sabotaging any chance at a relationship. But I don't view this as a sexual problem but an emotional one. The fact that he's using sex to cause this, is not to me, as important as the result he's getting. I have no doubt that if it wasn't sex, he would find another way to avoid having a relationship.

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Post #: 60

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