ChatteParfaitt
Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Missokyst
I tend to have a lot of trouble with obedience. I have the demeanor of a strong independent woman who is used to calling the shots.. and I am. Until I come face to face with someone who knows how to deal with that and not always from a honorable standpoint. There is a part of me, a large part, that responds to situations as if they demand a fight, flight or comply response. And since I am a person who gathers the information around me to determine my options before I make a move, compliance is always the first step.
When faced with an order I gauge the urgency of the need. If I can do it I will. If I can't I will say no. If he restates the demand I hear it in a different way. His voice may be at the same level but it my mind I hear it louder. It becomes a command and to that I will always comply. This quirk in my nature is why I got married. It is why I will turn around, lower my panties and put my hands on the table to be caned. It is also why I was able to get a potential kidnapper to lower his gaurd so that I had time to execute my escape.
Obeying for me is a natural response, out of fear, or instability, or control, once that flip has been made in my head I am unable to just say no. It's a negative personality trait that sometimes keeps me bound inside myself so I won't have to face it head on.
This post really resonated with me, and as you know, Missokyst, we have both been in similar relationships with predators who were highly abusive. So I feel I have to take some time to share what has gone on with me in the last 10 years, b/c it may be useful for you.
I am also a strong, independent woman, and I used to be just like you in that, if someone could flip that "you must obey" switch, I was totally passively obedient, even to my peril. Somewhere in my mind, this translated into dominance to me. I felt I could submit only to someone who I feared in a way.
Then I met Himself, and he turned out to be my best friend. But, I didn't fear him and still don't. He's the nicest, kindest man in the world. But since I didn't fear him, I felt he wasn't dominant enough for me. I have *always* gone for the super alpha (at least slightly) macho sadist types of dominants. So he and I broke up as a couple (though we still remained best friends and still lived together, but no sex, I don't do fwb). I began searching for another dominant, and I found the usual ones I have always been attracted to, those super alpha sadists. Except this time, I could see that they were not right for me. I could see that submitting through fear was just plain wrong. I wanted someone to inspire my submission, b/c I trusted him, b/c I felt safe. And those these men could float my boat on a sexual level, I did not trust them at all. I couldn't get past the very beginning stages of trust.
I also got involved with this very adept predator who really made me sit back and evaluate what the flaming fuck I was doing, and what I wanted, and how I viewed dominance, and the whole ball of wax. And I realized something, which is that fear may be a great motivator, but as you point out, it's a negative one.
In any case, I started taking another hard look at himself, at his style of dominance, which wasn't hard, we still lived together. He had remained my best friend through all of this. The upshot is, he and I got back together. And I am now with someone who inspires me to obey, not through fear, but through great leadership of a quiet, laid back variety.
Best, Chatte
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RE: Let's Discuss Obedience - 
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