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How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/12/2012 9:11:24 PM   
Maddy1


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/12/2012
Status: offline 		Hi everyone! I am very new to the web site and the lifestyle. I'm Madison.
I have a question I was hoping someone could help me with. About a year ago I started dating a guy and as our relationship developed, I found out he was into the bdsm lifestyle as a dominant. He introduced me to bondage, control, rough play, etc. I discovered I am completely submissive, only in the bedroom though. This was new and exciting to me. Unfortunately our relationship did not translate to real world as I could not stand his controlling and manipulative demeanor in public life.

So now, I've been dating a new guy Tim and I think I'm falling hard for him. We've been together about 5 months and I've been too nervous to tell him my desire for him to dominate me in bed. We've had vanilla sex and he seems to like to be the one in control but it's never go further than like hair pulling.
I am desperately wanting to tell him or show him how I would like him to be during sex but scared he will think I'm crazy and scare him off.
How do I ease someone into this kind of stuff? I am too uncomfortable to just come out and say it.
He's been out of town for work for the past month and I will be seeing him this weekend. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/12/2012 10:03:30 PM   
ReMakeYou


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline 		The most you can sugar coat it is to tell him that you've been reading 50 Shades, and think that rougher stuff sounds hot. And that only because it avoids bringing to mind the ghosts of exes past. But if you've been seeing each other for over a month, you should be at the point where you can be upfront about what you want. If you're not ... well, read this.

Look at it this way. He's allowed to need time to process, sure. But if he has no interest, staying in the relationship means living with unsatisfying sex. If he thinks it reflects poorly on you, it's better to know now so you can get out ASAP.

(in reply to Maddy1)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/12/2012 10:16:45 PM   
delilahdelight


Posts: 33
Joined: 11/3/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maddy1
I am desperately wanting to tell him or show him how I would like him to be during sex but scared he will think I'm crazy and scare him off.
How do I ease someone into this kind of stuff? I am too uncomfortable to just come out and say it.


Well, when you two next get together, you could show Tim-bo some hard, nasty BDSM-type porn and see how he reacts. If he throws you on the floor quickly after viewing and skull-fucks you brainless, then see that as a good thing and go from there. If, however, he views the material and starts looking queasy while giving you that what-the-'effing-hell?!? look, then just respond with "seriously, can you believe the crazy shit some people do??" and call it a vanilla day.

Best o' luck to you. =)

(in reply to Maddy1)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/12/2012 10:26:45 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Welcome, Maddy! Glad to have you join us.

I haven't read it, but there is a book many folks here recommend in situations like yours:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

Good luck and may you both find delight!

(in reply to Maddy1)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 2:18:18 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: delilahdelight


quote:

ORIGINAL: Maddy1
I am desperately wanting to tell him or show him how I would like him to be during sex but scared he will think I'm crazy and scare him off.
How do I ease someone into this kind of stuff? I am too uncomfortable to just come out and say it.


Well, when you two next get together, you could show Tim-bo some hard, nasty BDSM-type porn and see how he reacts. If he throws you on the floor quickly after viewing and skull-fucks you brainless, then see that as a good thing and go from there. If, however, he views the material and starts looking queasy while giving you that what-the-'effing-hell?!? look, then just respond with "seriously, can you believe the crazy shit some people do??" and call it a vanilla day.

Best o' luck to you. =)


Pretty disastrous advice, let him get used to stuff and find his confidence instead of trying to scare him with the most extreme stuff BDSM has to offer. I like to do pretty extreme things but honestly, some stuff in videos still makes me queasy, if somebody would have shown me heavy whippings, branding, cutting and piercing when I was just getting my feet wet, I would have run a mile...

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Those who do and those who don't!

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(in reply to delilahdelight)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 2:54:05 AM   
BaradBeleg


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		Well, the essence of a relationship is communication, and I speak from long experience when I tell you that if one of you wants a particular thing sexually (like BDSM) that the other can't provide, it will erode the relationship over time. So, what I would do is this....have vanilla sex the first night he's back. Second night, bring him to your place, tell him you have a surprise for him, and have him wait while you go get ready. Go to the bedroom, strip, put on some cuffs and write "use me as you wish" on your chest, put on a blindfold and lie down on the bed spread eagle, then call him in...have some rope on the bed in case he'd like to tie you up.

Afterwards, no matter how he does or doesn't use you, TALK about it. Simply tell him you like the thought of being controlled and dominated in bed. Tell him you read about it, heard about it, whatever (I'd recommend against talking about the prior relationship), that you think about it a lot, and you'd like to explore it with him.

He may or may not respond to it--people are different, but the thing you need to do is talk about it. If he does respond positively, then you two can explore it together, and later you can show him more of the things you'd like to do.

Good luck.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 4:42:14 AM   
kalikshama


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Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

tell him that you've been reading 50 Shades, and think that rougher stuff sounds hot.


This is what I'd do, only I'd substitute "kinky" for "rough."

You can read the original Edward and Bella version for free here: http://www.epubbud.com/read.php?g=RTHUKGUX&p=1

There's a Kindle version floating around somewhere too.

When my husband and I were noobs, I bought Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism and said, "This looks like fun." (And this, and this, and this.)

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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 5:33:47 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Next time you're naked with him, ask him, "So, what would you like me to do?" And just tell him, "I like pleasing you in bed."

Oh, yeah, and welcome to collarme, Maddy.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 7:15:30 AM   
delilahdelight


Posts: 33
Joined: 11/3/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: delilahdelight

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maddy1
I am desperately wanting to tell him or show him how I would like him to be during sex but scared he will think I'm crazy and scare him off.
How do I ease someone into this kind of stuff? I am too uncomfortable to just come out and say it.


Well, when you two next get together, you could show Tim-bo some hard, nasty BDSM-type porn and see how he reacts. font]


Pretty disastrous advice, let him get used to stuff and find his confidence instead of trying to scare him with the most extreme stuff BDSM has to offer. ...if somebody would have shown me heavy whippings, branding, cutting and piercing when I was just getting my feet wet, I would have run a mile...


Considering your perspective on the concept, I guess "disastrous" would apply. However, my idea on them sharing the "hard, nasty" was nowhere near your "most extreme" examples. She states that she is uncomfortable coming out and expressing herself verbally, so why not break the ice with an explanation by way of visuals (I mean, men love visuals, right?), thusly getting her views across in an effective, albeit less vulnerable way. Nothing wrong with her sharing some clips of a hardcore, hair-pulling exchange or a heavy-handed implement spanking, then seeing what gives. Besides, my intent was light-hearted to intone that it can be exciting and fun to explore the new. Sorry that was missed in web-translation. =)

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 7:39:11 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Well, we don't know him, but I'd try with some softer visual (9 1/2 weeks maybe) and go from there with "Oh isn't that hot, I think it would really turn me on if you'd take control" and if he does, well, react very strongly. Guys are visual but they also often have performance anxiety, so if he sees something extreme out of the blue, it can turn him off completely, let him get comfy with tying her up, if she goes a bit wild and then asks him to spank her, I'm pretty sure he'll get the hint. Visuals go so far, a girl really getting turned on takes it to another level... Plus with something softer, she doesn't really push him into a corner, if she wants him to be more assertive and dominant in bed, it's pretty important to make him feel comfortable about it and like they are exploring together, because there might also be the fear that he's not sure how she would react and he possibly doesn't want to be in a situation where somebody could scream "rape, abuse". In case BDSM is for him, gentle encouragement might work a lot better than shock therapy and feeling like he's competing with porn stars

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to delilahdelight)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 7:40:03 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		During sex reach under the bed and present a flogger and smile your biggest smile with a sparkle in your eye. How could he resist?

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 8:26:43 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Well, we don't know him, but I'd try with some softer visual (9 1/2 weeks maybe) and go from there with "Oh isn't that hot, I think it would really turn me on if you'd take control" and if he does, well, react very strongly. Guys are visual but they also often have performance anxiety, so if he sees something extreme out of the blue, it can turn him off completely, let him get comfy with tying her up, if she goes a bit wild and then asks him to spank her, I'm pretty sure he'll get the hint. Visuals go so far, a girl really getting turned on takes it to another level... Plus with something softer, she doesn't really push him into a corner, if she wants him to be more assertive and dominant in bed, it's pretty important to make him feel comfortable about it and like they are exploring together, because there might also be the fear that he's not sure how she would react and he possibly doesn't want to be in a situation where somebody could scream "rape, abuse". In case BDSM is for him, gentle encouragement might work a lot better than shock therapy and feeling like he's competing with porn stars


That's a good idea. Or Secretary, that was pretty hot.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 8:31:41 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Well, we don't know him, but I'd try with some softer visual (9 1/2 weeks maybe) and go from there with "Oh isn't that hot, I think it would really turn me on if you'd take control" and if he does, well, react very strongly.


I think something like this or the comment about 50 Shades of Grey are probably the best approach. I don't think porn would be a good thing. Porn tends to be one dimensional and stereotypical.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 8:45:28 AM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

During sex reach under the bed and present a flogger and smile your biggest smile with a sparkle in your eye. How could he resist?


So basically, your solution is to hand somebody that has absolutely no experience at all, a toy that can cause damage when used incorrectly.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 8:51:51 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

During sex reach under the bed and present a flogger and smile your biggest smile with a sparkle in your eye. How could he resist?


So basically, your solution is to hand somebody that has absolutely no experience at all, a toy that can cause damage when used incorrectly.



You beat me to it. Its one thing to give an opinion, but chatterbox, you are really giving irresponsible advice in a flippant manner.

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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 9:11:38 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maddy1
How do I ease someone into this kind of stuff? I am too uncomfortable to just come out and say it.
He's been out of town for work for the past month and I will be seeing him this weekend.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

Are you in contact with him while he is away...texting, phone calls, etc?
I would use this distance to my advantage, perhaps dropping subtle hints like you thought
some of the scenes in 50 shades of grey were hot, and that you've been having recurring
dreams of him in that role. Encourage his opinion on this (even if you have to describe the scene)
This way, instead of springing this all on him the weekend of his return, you both have a few days
to flirt around with your thoughts on this, and you can get an idea of his reactions.

Most importantly, be receptive to any of his attempts to add more badabing in the bedroom.
Nothing encourages performance anxiety more than a bad review.

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When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 9:13:08 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Maddy, I am big on communication before you get to the bedroom. You have been together for five months and think you are falling in love. How do you think he feels? Does he communicate well with you?

He has pulled your hair and you believe he likes some control... so think about your strengths here. He has been around for five months... he has pulled your hair and anything else you see as a positive between you. Why be afraid of communicating what you want or need?

Why not talk to him about when he pulled your hair? Get a feel for where he was coming from. Go from there, but talk about it. I don't like to spring something on someone I don't already think they want... in bdsm or d/s, in the middle of something. Could make the moment or could ruin it.


Edit... I cannot speak today... friggin waking up after a couple hours. lol

< Message edited by Lockit -- 6/13/2012 9:27:46 AM >

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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 9:32:50 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

During sex reach under the bed and present a flogger and smile your biggest smile with a sparkle in your eye. How could he resist?


So basically, your solution is to hand somebody that has absolutely no experience at all, a toy that can cause damage when used incorrectly.



Oh please, lighten up a bit. Dont assume her bf is a total idiot, what do you think he is going to do start wa lahing her unmercifully? When you started riding a bike did you jump on it and go down the steepest hill at full steam?

You just love to judge everything I say, and put it in the most negative of light.
ANd YOUR OH SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT TOO. lol.....GESS

You need to chill oh serious ones. I meant my post light heartedly and had no intent of sending poster to the hospital. lol this is so ridiculous, but then again quite enertaining. THANK YOU.



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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 9:38:31 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

During sex reach under the bed and present a flogger and smile your biggest smile with a sparkle in your eye. How could he resist?


So basically, your solution is to hand somebody that has absolutely no experience at all, a toy that can cause damage when used incorrectly.



Oh please, lighten up a bit. Dont assume her bf is a total idiot, what do you think he is going to do start wa lahing her unmercifully? When you started riding a bike did you jump on it and go down the steepest hill at full steam?

You just love to judge everything I say, and put it in the most negative of light.
ANd YOUR OH SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT TOO. lol.....GESS

You need to chill oh serious ones. I meant my post light heartedly and had no intent of sending poster to the hospital. lol this is so ridiculous, but then again quite enertaining. THANK YOU.




You gave unsafe advice. Period. My response would have been the same to anybody that gave that advice. Safety is a serious topic. You have absolutely no way of knowing who you're giving advice to or how they're going to react, so perhaps some circumspection is in order when you flippantly give bad advice.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How to introduce him to lifestyle?? - 6/13/2012 9:39:16 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think a flogger could kill someone or do very serious damage unless there were other factors, but chatterbox, you are responding in a joking manner to someone newer to all of this that wants someone that could know nothing about it, to do something that could result in some sort of harm. In all things funny... timing is everything. Comparing something that could be picked up and used without falling down... like in riding a bike... is rather silly.

Still, a flogger could cause enough damage that it could be lasting. Cuts, nerve damage... you know. Now how badly would you feel if you encouraged something, someone did what you suggested and someone got hurt? That would be real funny wouldn't it?

< Message edited by Lockit -- 6/13/2012 9:41:52 AM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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Profile   Post #: 20
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