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Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 5:41:23 PM

abledfire

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/19/2012
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Ok, I've been pouring through this site for about a week now, reading and rereading and rereading again about what I can do about be a better dominant, and haven't really found some answers I seek. I not just going to ask "how can I be a better dom", as you have no reference of me, or my submissive wife. So let me give you some background information on us.

My wife loves being submissive. She loves objectified and dirty talk in the bedroom as well as various other kinks that I won't divulge without her consent, as they are personal. We recently sat and talked for an extent (as we occasionally do) about my dominance. She wants me to be more dominant outside of the bedroom. I understand completely. But understanding does not tell me how. She has no idea (as she's a sub) what to suggest for me to do, and the things she suggests, she ends up disliking. (Example: "Tell me to get food ready if you're hungry." When I do, she complains about it, which causes me to get frustrated and eventually stop telling her).

So, if you're still with me, I am asking what I can do to be more dominant outside of the bedroom.

Side question: What punishments do you use on subs. Either to invoke a new behaviour, or simply as a tease. I lack imagination and have only thought of spankings. I need suggestions for 3 categories: to punish, to tease, and to pleasure.

Thank you in advance for any help you can give.

Post #: 1

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 5:54:45 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Here is the link that I feel is the best advice for anyone. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 5:55:43 PM

Byste

Posts: 21
Joined: 6/1/2012
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One thing you can do is not back down. State your expectations. If your submissive gives you lip, remind her that she wanted a dominant. She could be pushing you so that you'll push back. So...push back. If I told my submissive to make me a meal and she objected, I might send her to bed without dinner. I don't punish. I educate.

Byste

(in reply to abledfire)

Post #: 3

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 6:21:22 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
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hi abledfire,

you can't really fault her for not following a rule that hasn't been established. talk more, learn more, set some ground rules, and try to be consistent. that's the generic answer, sorry it's the best i can do.

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 6:28:29 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

FR to the OP:

She can't say 'be more dominant' then buck it when you are. Being submissive is hard some days, it's not about being seduced into compliance every time, it's about submitting for the good and the bad (When I say 'bad' I mean, those things we don't want to do, like take out the garbage and scrub the floor).

But you know what? you don't get that deep down tingly feeling of 'oh my god... I'm totally his' unless you do submit to ALL of it, and realize that even those things you dislike... give you pleasure because it is for the person you've chosen to give in to. My words are rather inaccurate but I don't know how to properly articulate the satisfaction of being both domestically, and sexually submissive.

However on the flip side if she wants something but can't articulate what she wants, that is not YOUR flaw, it's hers for being vague. There's nothing wrong with your dominance, there's simply a problem with her communication skills. Make sure she knows that too, because if she's brow beating you over your 'lack of domliness' that will further undermine you, and will only further remove her from the goal of feeling more submissive.

(in reply to Byste)

Post #: 5

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 6:29:02 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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Just doing the things she wants to do is the easy part and is not really all that submissive. If she really wants to be submissive to your Dominance, don't back down. It's one thing if something's a hard limit of hers, but if it's not and she just doesn't want to do it, well, too bad. You're the Dominant, so Dominate. Maybe she's pushing back just to see if you really mean it and, if you back down, she won't think it really matters to you.

NBMG

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 6:32:19 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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It sounds like she's all wrapped up about the fantasy but once it's real she doesn't wanna do or she's pushing your buttons waiting for you to force her to do it.

Either way, if I was a Dom, which I'm not, but if I was, I'd simply tell her to forget it. Until she cann accept being your sub, you are not going to dominate her in any form. You both will just have a normal relationship. If she comes back and apologizes and actually, willingly, wants to be yours then you lay down the rules and tell her she either complies or the D/s is over and you will simply not play her games.

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Post #: 7

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 6:35:24 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

Just doing the things she wants to do is the easy part and is not really all that submissive. If she really wants to be submissive to your Dominance, don't back down. It's one thing if something's a hard limit of hers, but if it's not and she just doesn't want to do it, well, too bad. You're the Dominant, so Dominate. Maybe she's pushing back just to see if you really mean it and, if you back down, she won't think it really matters to you.

NBMG

i'm officially changing my answer to THIS ^^^

but he still needs to sit down and set up the rules and boundaries, which should evolve as they adjust to what works for them.

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 6:40:48 PM

abledfire

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/19/2012
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My wife and I are sitting down reading and talking about this as we see replies. I agree that I could be more dominant, which is why I'm asking for help to begin with. I'm not used to being able to tell someone to do something, and it actually happen. I'm used to having to do everything myself because no one will, so a little resistance is all it takes to get me to just stop trying. Which apparently has to stop. But what other things can you suggest I do?

(in reply to Karmastic)

Post #: 9

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 6:49:20 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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Like littlewonder said, tell her she will either comply or there will be no D/s and you will no longer play that game. Either she really wants it or she doesn't.

It's not like fixing dinner or taking the trash out is going to injure her in any way, so you don't have to worry about that. Being submissive sometimes means doing things even when she doesn't want to. That's how it really works in real life D/s. It's not all just a horndog's fantasy.

NBMG

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Post #: 10

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 7:07:20 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

Like littlewonder said, tell her she will either comply or there will be no D/s and you will no longer play that game. Either she really wants it or she doesn't.

It's not like fixing dinner or taking the trash out is going to injure her in any way, so you don't have to worry about that. Being submissive sometimes means doing things even when she doesn't want to. That's how it really works in real life D/s. It's not all just a horndog's fantasy.

NBMG

yeah, i know all that! i don't know where the horndog comment comes from?

I'm saying that nothing has been mentioned about him actually sitting down with her to discuss what parts of their BDSM life will transcend the bedroom. i thought that was an important part of OP's post, and commented on it. I.e., they have to set rules and boundaries, of how far that goes.

Beyond that, perhaps she wants it to go further in other areas, but not be a slave to chores. Some might say well heck, if he's a "real" d, he will just order her. i get that. but no "deal" seems to have been set yet. and thus, it's not surprise that the OP is seeking advice, for why his wife asks him to dominate, but won't let him. duh, no rules have been set up. (no offense to you or OP on the duh).

< Message edited by Karmastic -- 6/19/2012 7:08:18 PM >

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 7:19:33 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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All I meant by the horndog comment was that some subs just have this horny fantasy of what D/s is like and that real life submission is not just a horny fantasy, they need to submit to things they don't want as well as what they do. Of course they need to sit down and decide what sort of D/s they both want, whether it will be bedroom-only, all-encompassing, or somewhere in-between.

NBMG

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Post #: 12

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 7:38:38 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Here is the link that I feel is the best advice for anyone. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

abledfire - do checkout the booklist. For you, I especially recommend The Loving Dominant. Don't let your wife get into the fiction ;)

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 7:48:32 PM

abledfire

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/19/2012
Status: offline

quote:

Don't let your wife get into the fiction ;)

Little late for that. She's reading 50 shades of grey. But just to be clear, she has wanted to be submissive long before she started reading it.

We have talked about the rules in the past, but haven't talked about it recently. I think I'll sit down with her and reopen the discussion. Explore what we both want and hope to get out of this.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 14

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 8:01:40 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

No offense, but dude, just don't. I can promise that I am not a "50 shades of grey" or "Story of O" type Dominant.

The freedom of being yourself is awesome.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to abledfire)

Post #: 15

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 8:05:04 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

All I meant by the horndog comment was that some subs just have this horny fantasy of what D/s is like and that real life submission is not just a horny fantasy, they need to submit to things they don't want as well as what they do. Of course they need to sit down and decide what sort of D/s they both want, whether it will be bedroom-only, all-encompassing, or somewhere in-between.

NBMG

ahh, thanks for explaining that - i was clueless as to what you meant - it's a good point. eidt: and reading OPs reply, we see it is very relevant. OPs wife seems to have had her nascent s desires stoked by the book "50 shades of grey".

see bolded above. i said that because, based on what OP said, that doesn't appear to have happened yet. so it's not "of course", but more like "duh, yeah OP, go do that". so we're putting the cart before the horse, just telling him to go "be dominant". I think you would agree to that.

< Message edited by Karmastic -- 6/19/2012 8:09:08 PM >

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 8:07:46 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abledfire

quote:

Don't let your wife get into the fiction ;)

Little late for that. She's reading 50 shades of grey. But just to be clear, she has wanted to be submissive long before she started reading it.

We have talked about the rules in the past, but haven't talked about it recently. I think I'll sit down with her and reopen the discussion. Explore what we both want and hope to get out of this.

EXCELLENT idea, who said that? ;)

make sure she knows she has to freakin cook! what sub doesn't cook? unless she has work and school and all her time is tied up (and not the good kinda tying up).

seriously though, set RULES. Actual RULES. negotiate them. good luck and have fun!

_____________________________

[Awaiting Approval]

If my experience level makes you feel superior, that is your problem, not mine.

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Post #: 17

RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 9:06:06 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abledfire

My wife and I are sitting down reading and talking about this as we see replies. I agree that I could be more dominant, which is why I'm asking for help to begin with. I'm not used to being able to tell someone to do something, and it actually happen. I'm used to having to do everything myself because no one will, so a little resistance is all it takes to get me to just stop trying. Which apparently has to stop. But what other things can you suggest I do?

You need to have a talk with your wife and explain that you will tell her what to do, and you expect her to do it. But first, you need to have the exact same talk with yourself. You need to convince yourself, and then her.

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 10:37:28 PM

sincelo

Posts: 122
Joined: 12/30/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic

make sure she knows she has to freakin cook! what sub doesn't cook?

A chef's submissive

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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 6/19/2012 11:13:02 PM

MissImmortalPain

Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It sounds like she's all wrapped up about the fantasy but once it's real she doesn't wanna do or she's pushing your buttons waiting for you to force her to do it.

Either way, if I was a Dom, which I'm not, but if I was, I'd simply tell her to forget it. Until she cann accept being your sub, you are not going to dominate her in any form. You both will just have a normal relationship. If she comes back and apologizes and actually, willingly, wants to be yours then you lay down the rules and tell her she either complies or the D/s is over and you will simply not play her games.

This. All of this. I went rounds with a sub for six years that often did the same thing. Sometimes he was sub(normally when he wanted something) and sometimes he wasn't. Believe me when I tell you that you do not want to put in the time it takes to deal with a fantasy player.

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Post #: 20

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