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RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 9:24:16 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		If she doesn't do what you tell her, you punish her. You'll have to figure out what makes her tick, use the stick, but don't forget about the carrot - you don't want it to turn into some tedious drama unless you're into that.

And, there is no real reason this has to be 24/7, you can certainly "scene it", set a particular time limit, where her obedience is expected, whether its a few hours, the duration of an evening, etc., that way she might be less apt to panic if she starts freaking and wondering if she's getting in over her head, and it give you both time to assimilate the experience and discuss what worked and what didn't for both of you, but some adjustment is usually necessary: what she loves, you might hate, and vice-versa,
The last part especially: communicate, but try to avoid a lot of second guessing and debating during a scene, losing the ambiance and derailing the mood, so set some time aside to discuss things, like the next day.

"Aftercare" might help, that is, immediately afterwards, do something soothing, cuddle, share a tasty beverage, some nosh, a hot bath, whatever works.

Oh, and ambiance is usually pretty important to women, so act accordingly, candles, some kind of air freshener - we tend to form associations with scents, so you might want to use the same one every time, google for ideas, for example: http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_200/224_love_tip.html

I've heard Lavender makes women amorous, I use this really strong wild Cherry stuff though, smells like Twizzlers, lol.

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(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 9:33:53 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		And, really, sceneing like that is probably much more common than 24/7, which might not be apparent from "Shades" - it's a more practical approach, as most of us typically have other things that require our attention, we'd all like to run around in leather chaps and leashes all the time, but you gotta pay the bills too.

i.e., try easing into it rather than diving straight in.

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(in reply to xssve)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 9:41:03 AM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline 		Roles no matter what they are need to be consistent to work in and out of the bedroom. I would balk without consistency. While not a D/s dynamic we are darn consistent if I didn't get called names, poked out, and purposefully grossed out at least 3 times a day, and it just came out of the blue I'd get really upset. We all need our habbits, our roles, and what we can expect on a day to day basis.

When you say "Go make me dinner" and she protests, what happens? Is it just food you can tell her to prepare? Do you give her a strong support and consistent dominance that will help her w/ service?

I agree with what others have said, she could just want more play and kinky sex.

I would get her to talk about what she needs and what her fantasies are. She can't expect something for nothing. There is a difference between consistent 24/7 roles in a relationship, and bringing kinky play outside of the bedroom.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in


You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to xssve)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 10:21:04 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		Very nice. That is how people should be with each other.
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Make sure what you tell her is doable. Tell her that when she goes grocery shopping, she should buy Granola and not Special K for you. That you hate Brussels Sprouts with a passion and they are never to appear on the table again.

Don't wait till she gets home from work, tired and hungry to announce you want a complicated dish that requires a special trip to the store. Tell her you want that sometime this week so she has time to get the ingredients and do all the prep.

No more than one new rule a week so she has time to get used to them. And some of them should be for her benefit not yours. IE if she skips meals and her mood suffers, tell her she has to eat something for lunch unless she's sick. Could be a couple of power bars and a salad but she has to eat. Tell her to stay in her seat until you open the car door for her.

Before you go about punishing her, figure out why she couldn't obey. Solve the problem so it doesn't happen again. Make sure you don't punish her for not being able to obey. IE if she's spending the day at the doctor with a sick kid, she doesn't get punished for not being able to have lunch or make your favorite dinner.

About punishment, she needs a learning curve. It takes a month of doing something a new way every single time before it becomes a habit. So if she opens her own door ten times a day and you do it twice a week on date night, expect it to take almost a year before she remembers. Don't punish, just give her a learning curve.

Consequences are better than punishment. If you hate to see dishes in the sink, and she doesn't do them after dinner, then she has to go do them and she misses the first part of her favorite show. However, if she doesn't do them because she's helping with homework, then no consequence. Either you help with homework or you do them, since it's unfair to give her all the work.

Most of all, when she does stuff you want, notice it and be appreciative. Make deposits to her love bank, not just withdrawals.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 10:24:00 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		You're going to talk to her so that will help. I am not she so cannot speak for what she will like but I like

(a) being told not asked although it certainly does not have to be nastily done
(b) consistency as also someone mentioned above as that makes you feel secure and cared for
(c) someone who doesn't back down (unless he's clearly made a bad mistake) so if you have told her to make XYZ food and she is then complaining when you ask her too despite her saying she wants more orders of that kind, slap her or spank her (if that is within your agreed dynamic) and then make her do it - don't let her off it
(d) have some rules and rituals
(e) decide things eg where you will go out to, when she goes to bed, the loo, eats, what she eats, what she wears.

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 3:26:40 PM   
Brutalessons


Posts: 21
Joined: 7/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: abledfire

Ok, I've been pouring through this site for about a week now, reading and rereading and rereading again about what I can do about be a better dominant, and haven't really found some answers I seek. I not just going to ask "how can I be a better dom", as you have no reference of me, or my submissive wife. So let me give you some background information on us.

My wife loves being submissive. She loves objectified and dirty talk in the bedroom as well as various other kinks that I won't divulge without her consent, as they are personal. We recently sat and talked for an extent (as we occasionally do) about my dominance. She wants me to be more dominant outside of the bedroom. I understand completely. But understanding does not tell me how. She has no idea (as she's a sub) what to suggest for me to do, and the things she suggests, she ends up disliking. (Example: "Tell me to get food ready if you're hungry." When I do, she complains about it, which causes me to get frustrated and eventually stop telling her).

So, if you're still with me, I am asking what I can do to be more dominant outside of the bedroom.

Side question: What punishments do you use on subs. Either to invoke a new behaviour, or simply as a tease. I lack imagination and have only thought of spankings. I need suggestions for 3 categories: to punish, to tease, and to pleasure.

Thank you in advance for any help you can give.


I am walking into this toward the tail end here and have taken some time to browse some of the responses, many are great. but to put My Own 2 cents in let me point out that your three categories comprise the basis of what you are asking to learn. No two D/s relationships will ever be exactly the same and what you and your wife create together will be uniquely your own, so unless it is a Safety issue, do not dwell to much on how it should be done and more on how you would like it done.

From there, do some thinking, some reflection on what you know of your wife, her likes, dislikes, her pet peeves and her delights... now look outward as you communicate... Learn to read her based on your own intimate knowledge. Yeah, none of this is "put left hand here right hand there and press" what I am saying is To sharpen your own senses, read her signals and be already prepared for the rebellious streak.

Many have told you about communicating and establishing "rules". No that you have just taken on the roles of Judge Jury and Bailiff. Take the time to tell her clearly and concisely what you expect of her, whether it is dinner at 6 PM sharp or her Positioning when you walk in the bedroom, describe what you expect, make her acknowledge the expectation and hold her to it.

Probably hardest will be to determine suitable consequence/reward, Myself I prefer to increase the consequences after each infraction whether that is a smack on the ass or something mental such as bodywriting (6PM in marker on an ass cheek would seem appropriate) to full OTK or being sent to bed without supper. Do not forget the Reward side. Show her your pleasure, complement her efforts to please, reward her with her favorite activity.

again, just My own 2 cents.

(in reply to abledfire)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 3:55:53 PM   
Karnikula


Posts: 55
Joined: 7/21/2012
Status: offline
quote:

I just don't know what a suitable punishment would be.

Step 1: Tell her to do something that she doesn't like to do.
Step 2: Go do something, clearly not observing / making sure it's done.
Step 3: If she didn't do as told, make her do it while observing and making sure it's done right. Once she's finished tell her that you're disappointed how she's been wasting your time like that.

What you need to do first and foremost. Stop making sure you're doing what she wants you to do. Think about what you want (YOU want her to be happy right? YOU want her to be sexually fulfilled and to be pleased by your dominance? Well what can go wrong with doing what YOU want then?) and go on about that, don't order her to do things that she wants you to order her. That's not dominance and she'll feel it and she'll resist.

Take short and slow steps, start with small things, add and remove things every few days. Think about what's best for the two of you & explore your own kink as well as hers.

_____________________________

People are like puzzle pieces that are puzzles.

(in reply to Brutalessons)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/5/2012 6:29:21 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Does he deserve to be obeyed is something only Ishtarr touched on.

If he's selfish, and waits until his game is over and then expects dinner inside of five minutes while she hasn't eaten in ten hours, he needs to change.

Sometimes 'be more dominant' can really mean 'grow up and be a man, not a spoiled little boy'. Being the leader doesn't mean he gets to be a couch potato while she does all the work. It means he leads the way by thinking about what best serves the family and the relationship, and he leads the way by doing what needs to be done. It may mean she wants to be able to respect him and can't.



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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Karnikula)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/6/2012 11:10:41 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		What you are asking us is how to be a "leader". Find leaders you admire and read their books. A couple of great leaders come to my mind George Patton WW 2 general and Lee Iacocca the guy who turned around Chrysler corp.

BadOne

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The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Long read, but would apreciate a dom's help - 8/8/2012 7:01:03 AM   
aSilentNight


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/29/2012
From: Italy
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Byste

I've never understood why an adult would need "punishment" (as in something physically painful) in order to comply with a reasonable request made within a d/s dynamic. Comply and our d/s continues; don't comply and it doesn't. I just don't get why it has to be more complicated than that.

Byste

because wise Doms enjoy punishments :)
"if something must end, well then let's do it with sparkles!"

(in reply to Byste)
Profile   Post #: 50
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