Should I or Shouldn't I????

Should I or Shouldn't I???? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Normal912 -> Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 3:49:24 PM)
I've never posted on here before, so hello! I apologize this for being so long winded. I'm very confused about what I should do. I think I already know the answer but I want opinions on maybe a way it could work out. A few years ago I met a fantastic guy on this site, John. We lived long distance but we talked every day and I really felt a connection. We were both single, he was attractive, in my age range, on the same page bdsm sexually speaking, etc. We never actually met though. I am a believer that you can really feel a connection with someone without ever touching. After a while, real life interfered and we lost touch. I chalked it up to that we could never be together and I needed to move on. I deleted his number, never contacted him again. I thought about him very frequently over the years, wondering how he was and what he was up to. I eventually posted one of those "Missed Connections" ad in the city I assumed he was living in now. HE RESPONDED HOURS AFTER IT WAS POSTED. I was shocked. We talked and I found out he was married and has a new baby now. What was a happily married man checking out the missed connection pages? He and I have talked more and I'll be in his city next week for work. We've discussed meeting up and having a session. So there's the "he's married" part in my mind. But then there's the "she's not satisfying him, it's not my fault." He said she only knows a "small bit" about his Dominant side. Is it possible for us to have a strictly bdsm relationship even though he is married? I'm sure he will be keeping this a secret from his wife. I am okay with having an affair (I've been the other woman in a vanilla relationship (please don't judge!)) I am just wondering if this is a normal thing.... are married men able to have a bdsm relationship seperate from their marital relationship? I am truly happy for him but there is a part of me that is desperate to finally meet him and let him use me. Thank you for all the advice. Please be understanding that I do not want to break up his marriage.

littlewonder -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 3:52:13 PM)
Seriously, you need to ask this????????????????? No it's not ok, bdsm or not. It makes him look like an uncaring and cold "husband" and I use that term lightly, and it makes you look like a cold hearted hussy. If he wasn't satisfied, then he would divorce the wife and THEN get together with you, clean of lies and deceit. But it looks like you already know the right answer but you don't care and you've decided to take the wrong path so nothing I say here would make a difference and thus no reason for you to even post this. But hey, good luck [8\|]

KYsissy -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 3:59:00 PM)
Yes all 3 of you sit down together and if she gives her blessing THEN it would be okay. Nothing less then that would be okay.

Baroana -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:00:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Normal912 I've never posted on here before, so hello! I apologize this for being so long winded. I'm very confused about what I should do. I think I already know the answer but I want opinions on maybe a way it could work out. A few years ago I met a fantastic guy on this site, John. We lived long distance but we talked every day and I really felt a connection. We were both single, he was attractive, in my age range, on the same page bdsm sexually speaking, etc. We never actually met though. I am a believer that you can really feel a connection with someone without ever touching. After a while, real life interfered and we lost touch. I chalked it up to that we could never be together and I needed to move on. I deleted his number, never contacted him again. I thought about him very frequently over the years, wondering how he was and what he was up to. I eventually posted one of those "Missed Connections" ad in the city I assumed he was living in now. HE RESPONDED HOURS AFTER IT WAS POSTED. I was shocked. We talked and I found out he was married and has a new baby now. What was a happily married man checking out the missed connection pages? He and I have talked more and I'll be in his city next week for work. We've discussed meeting up and having a session. So there's the "he's married" part in my mind. But then there's the "she's not satisfying him, it's not my fault." He said she only knows a "small bit" about his Dominant side. Is it possible for us to have a strictly bdsm relationship even though he is married? I'm sure he will be keeping this a secret from his wife. I am okay with having an affair (I've been the other woman in a vanilla relationship (please don't judge!)) I am just wondering if this is a normal thing.... are married men able to have a bdsm relationship seperate from their marital relationship? I am truly happy for him but there is a part of me that is desperate to finally meet him and let him use me. Thank you for all the advice. Please be understanding that I do not want to break up his marriage. On the one hand, you ask us not to judge you for being an adulterer. On the other hand, you ask us to tell you whether or not you should commit adultery. I think that adultery is bad, and therefore you shouldn't do it. However, if you are a person that does not care about the morality of adultery, then there is nothing else to say. By the way, pretty much every married person who is looking to cheat will tell a story about how the spouse is neglecting them.

Normal912 -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:01:03 PM)
I appreciate your response, littlewonder. I am still new to this site and don't understand why so many men on here post that they're married but are looking. I thought maybe there was a loophole for these kind of relationships. I actually haven't made up my mind completely yet. Sometimes I just need a virtual face slap.

Normal912 -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:04:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Baroana By the way, pretty much every married person who is looking to cheat will tell a story about how the spouse is neglecting them. You're very right.

littlewonder -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:04:40 PM)
Bdsm doesn't somehow change your morals or ethics. Sigh. I don't know why people don't understand this. Bdsm is just like any other relationship type in the world. They put that on their profiles because they are either stupid or think they are anonymous on a site such as this and the wife or anyone around them will see it and yeah, unfortunately there are a lot of people out there, on here or anywhere else that have zero morals and/or ethics.

MtGames -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:10:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KYsissy Yes all 3 of you sit down together and if she gives her blessing THEN it would be okay. Nothing less then that would be okay. Seconded! If their partner is not provably ok with your playing with them, then you are just asking for future pain and drama if you go through with it.

amaidiamond -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:14:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KYsissy Yes all 3 of you sit down together and if she gives her blessing THEN it would be okay. Nothing less then that would be okay. This ^^^ You say you are ok being the other woman... maybe you need to look at why this is? Why you are happy to accept a man you can never really have?

kalikshama -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:18:14 PM)
quote: I am still new to this site and don't understand why so many men on here post that they're married but are looking. I thought maybe there was a loophole for these kind of relationships. In their mind there's a justification for their lying and cheating, but that doesn't change the fact that they are lying and cheating. I bet if they put in an equal amount of effort into their relationship with their wife that they do in chasing strange pussy, there'd be no need to chase strange. Some people buy into this bullshit: http://www.submissivewomensecrets.com/ You shouldn't be one of them.

kalikshama -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:19:37 PM)
quote: Yes all 3 of you sit down together and if she gives her blessing THEN it would be okay. Nothing less then that would be okay. I give this plan my blessing. I'm all for consensual non-monogamy.

lamale -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:24:25 PM)
There is no end to the number of public scolds on here, mainly women, often in relationships, who seize every opportunity to dump on people who are looking to be unfaithful to their spouse, or looking to take up with someone who is. You should see some of the unsolicited emails I get from Collarme's very self-righteous moral police. Like I give a shit what they have to say about anything. Their replies, like mine, are meaningless. Screw them. The only important thing is: how do YOU feel about it? That's all. Everything else (including this post) is self-serving bullshit.

KYsissy -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:29:06 PM)
I want to alter what I said before. An infant at home? And he's looking for another piece of tail already!?!?! The more I think about it the more it is just wrong. Tell him to call you when the child is 20 years old. THEN the 3 of you can sit down and discuss your options. He has a child to raise stay away. What kind of man is he that he would not want to be around his newborn every moment he could? Think about that.

Lucylastic -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:30:59 PM)
As a woman who is in a relationship with a married man, and being married myself, I thought I would throw in my two cents, just cos I can... I have to agree with the ladies above. I was in an online for a couple of years before I met my pet, but we didnt meet until both spouses knew about the other. Fourteen years down the road, Im glad it worked out that way. my morals arent everyones, and I wont stand in judgement. But one of the reasons his wife "might" be neglecting him , is they have a baby, a whole adventure and job in itself. Bunches of men cheat during pregnancy and child rearing, because they are too damn selfish to see why he isnt the center of her life. As a mother Yes maybe Im only looking at it from her point of view, guilty, but heh it is what it is. I know I wouldnt have another relationship without my spouse knowing, ever. Mind you Im probably too old now to find something that would make me stray away from either of them. My 2 cents

kalikshama -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:33:06 PM)
quote: There is no end to the number of public scolds on here, mainly women, often in relationships, who seize every opportunity to dump on people who are looking to be unfaithful to their spouse, or looking to take up with someone who is. Here, the OP asked for advice. Although in my universe, lying and cheating is wrong, I wouldn't bother "scolding" a random would-be cheater whose profile I found on the other side. Additionally, I really need to be able to trust the man who is going to tie me up and beat me. If he's willing to lie to and cheat on the woman he vowed to cherish, how can I trust him?

kalikshama -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:39:31 PM)
OP - you should reflect on this: quote: But one of the reasons his wife "might" be neglecting him , is they have a baby, a whole adventure and job in itself. Bunches of men cheat during pregnancy and child rearing, because they are too damn selfish to see why he isnt the center of her life.

poise -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:40:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Normal912 After a while, real life interfered and we lost touch. I chalked it up to that we could never be together and I needed to move on. I deleted his number, never contacted him again. . I can well imagine how excited you are, after all these years, to finally have the opportunity for a flesh on flesh meeting, but then what? Would this be a form of closure for you to some unrequited relationship? You've done just fine without him all this time, and if it was truly meant to be, it would have happened prior to real life getting in the way. Opportunity may not knock often, but some doors are better left closed.

tj444 -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:43:40 PM)
well,.. three thoughts come to my mind.. 1) why would you want such a small part of someone and settle for that? I would rather have someone that was all mine, period. If you have only a small part of him, you will long for more than you can possibly get, so you are setting yourself up to be hurt.. badly, imo.. And you might miss Mr Right cuz you are off the market and tied to Mr Part-time.. 2) fantasy is usually much different from reality.. right now you think of him as nearly perfect, you dont see flaws.. most people put their best foot forward but eventually, they slip and their less perfect self starts to show thru.. You may end up finding out he is a total jackarse... 3) do you really think things wont get deeper than just being dominated by him.. turn sexual.. and all the messiness that comes with it (no pun intended). There was a study i read recently, people that cheat get stds more often than those that have agreed to open relationships (apparently they use condoms more consistently)..

kalikshama -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:48:57 PM)
STUDY: Cheaters More Likely To Get STDs Than Couples In Open Relationships People in open relationships are less likely to get an STD than those in monogamous couples who just step out on their partners, according to a study published in current issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. A survey from the University of Michigan’s psychology department found that of 1,647 respondents, 801 had sex with someone other than their primary partner. For 493 subjects, it was part of a “negotiated non-monogamous relationship”, while 308 admitted that they had just been unfaithful. Researchers found that condom use was less frequent for vaginal (27% lower) and anal sex (35% lower) in encounters where one of the participants was creepin’ around. The data also revealed that drug and alcohol use was 64% higher during these hook-ups. (No shock there). The study’s author, Terri D. Conley, says couples might want to rethink blanket monogamy as a safety measure: Monogamy can be an effective method for preventing the spread of STIs, but only if couples test negative for STIs at the start of the relationship and remain faithful while they are together. If people do not find monogamy appealing or feasible, they clearly need to think about the risk this poses to their partner and consider whether an open relationship would suit their needs better, and better protect their relationship partners. Why would someone in a closed relationship engage in more risky behavior? One commenter had an interesting theory: The men in “monogamous” relationships who try to cheat on their wives and girlfriends with me often exhibit faulty and outdated thinking—having a Madonna/Whore view of women, for instance, or justifying why cheating doesn’t hurt their wives. And they often have the same logic failure when it comes to STIs, dividing people into assumed “clean” (six-figure income, works out at the gym) and “dirty” (low-income, uneducated) categories, which makes them feel safe not using condoms with the first group.

OsideGirl -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 4:58:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Normal912 So there's the "he's married" part in my mind. But then there's the "she's not satisfying him, it's not my fault." Really? Well, then, how about the "He's willing to lie to most important people in his life....but, yet you somehow think you can trust him" part?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875