RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (Full Version)

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littlewonder -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 9:27:04 PM)

Instead of being his Mistress, why don't you try being his good friend and tell him to try and work things out with his wife? Overlook your cunt for awhile. There will be orgasms and men always around. Be a good person instead and make yourself a reputation as being a good person who helps others instead of the reputation as a homewrecker.



RemoteUser -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 9:36:13 PM)

Being a single father who is separated, and who has a girl of his own (who is not the wife; she moved out over a year ago, and we hardly talk, though we've agreed to call it a day in a civil manner), I can offer you a male perspective, and then some.

What you want is a man to please, and to please you. At one point you wrapped all that into this man. Time passed and you wander back into each other. Your wants haven't changed, but his situation has (to your knowledge).

You don't know the wife or the child, they're faceless people to you, like describing a stranger in another country. Let's take them out of the situation then, and leave it to yourself and this guy. If he is willing to lie to his wife to get sexual gratification from you, he's a liar, plain and simple. This makes him equally capable of lying to you.

First question. How serious are you about this one man? If he is this important, his ethics should matter to you because sooner or later they will involve you. If he isn't important, then you'd allow yourself other options.

Now the second question. Are you committing to him or just using him to get off - will you leave yourself open to other options? If not, why not? That's an important question no matter how you look at it.

Look back at how you answered those two questions and ask yourself what you think you will get from this. What scenario are you allowing yourself to be placed into? What are the pros? What are the cons? Are you giving this honest thought, or are your urges getting the best of you; and do you like the person you are based on the answers you gave? Guys will come and go, you'll always live with yourself.

Also take the time to ask yourself this: how old is the baby? How long has he been married? And how long ago did you two hook up on the site? I said earlier that his situation changed to your knowledge; now you see the reason for my wording.

Get your own ethics on the matter straight before anything else. Once that is set, if you still want to pursue this, you need to hold him accountable. If his wife gets into the scene, where will that leave you - the answer to that affects you directly, don't turn a blind eye to it. Finally, as nearly everyone else has said, with different words: understand that if you attach to this man, you become part of his life, and you affect other parts of his life. Choosing to be with him and having that influence is something you are accountable for. If this is serious, treat it serious. If this is a tossaway fuck, you can do better. Not because the moral majority said so - because you deserve it.

I hope you respect yourself enough to consider these words. They outline a lot of what you need to understand and they directly address your question. You posited, you posted, now ponder.




NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 10:09:54 PM)

Some may think what I'm about to say is Mean. What it IS is Blunt. That being said, I won't be surprised if I get a gold-bordered letter because of this post.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Normal912
I guess I am just rationing it.
Yes you are.

I feel that after all this time I owe it to myself and to him to see what happens.
And what about his wife and baby? Do you owe it to them to take him away from his family? The woman he made promises to at the altar and the baby he helped to create with her.

I am not a believer in marriage. Coming from a family whose parents have been married for 35 years, I honestly don't see the this as necessary.
Who cares what you see as necessary? I mean really. HE CHOSE to marry his wife. No one forced him to. He promised at the altar to love and cherish HER and remain faithful to HER and HER only. Not you. HER. Just because you don't believe in marriage, that is NO excuse to disrespect someone else's.

So he's married... He's dominant but can't be this way for his wife. They have a child and he is stuck with her. She doesn't want to be part of his bdsm life.
Again, HE CHOSE to marry her etc etc. He made promises to HER. NOT YOU. He promised HER. If he really feels he cannot be happy with her, he should divorce her so she can go on with her child and her life and find something better than a lying cheater.

I do not want to marry this man. I simply want him to have an on and off again dom/sub relationship with me. I guess I am scum of the earth for wanting a married man.
You simply want....? Nothing is simple when you're cheating with a married man. You're taking time and attention away from the woman he married and made promises to in front of God and everybody. You're taking time and attention away from that baby. At the very least, does that innocent baby deserve to have an absent father, absent because he's away flogging and/or fucking you instead of spending time with his family? You either have no clue how devastating a cheating spouse can be to a family or else you just don't care. I find it hard to believe that you haven't a clue since so many of us have tried to enlighten you. So you must just not care, which makes you look cold-hearted and self-centered.

I find it interesting that most of the responses are from sub/domme females. I have yet to hear a males side.
Oh really? I find it interesting that you can't see why that is. There are a number of sub/domme females who have been cheated on by husbands with women like you who feel the need to take what doesn't belong to them. My ex cheated on me when we were married. I've been in the wife's position and I won't even tell you what I think of him AND the woman he cheated with. I would probably get moderated if I did. All I will say is "scum of the earth" was mild compared to what I think of them.




LanaDeVille -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/27/2012 10:27:47 PM)

Why is this a complicated scenario again? The answer seems very clear to me.



artemiss -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 1:56:36 AM)

Why even bother to ask?  You are going to do exactly as you damn well please anyway?

You have already shown that you have no respect for your self or others.

You have shown you have to empathy or capacity for emotional attachment.

At 26, you still haven't reached a point where you have moved beyong selfish gratification and begun to establish morals.

Personally I think whether or not you choose to cheat should tale second stage to seeking help for what appears to be a sever personality disorder.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 3:55:55 AM)

OP- Perhaps you just like the drama?

Speaking as a married woman with a young baby, this is pretty horrifying stuff. He committed to this woman. He decided to marry her, he decided to have a baby with her. Already he is willing to sneak around on her. Hell, if a new father has the time and energy to cheat on his wife, then he isn't doing the father part right.

You say that you don't believe in marriage. That's fine, don't get married. His wife however, is married, presumably believes in marriage, presumably believes that HE believes in marriage. He is the one to blame if he is cheating on her, because he made those promises. However, as a human being I would not want to play a part in hurting that woman. I would not want to use up his time which should be spent caring for his infant.

There are lots of happy, satisfying relationships out there which involve more than two people - open relationships and poly relationships. Perhaps that would suit you better. But surely you don't want to be part of a dishonest relationship? You can not, and should not, trust this man. If he can lie to his wife and child, what loyalty do you think he will have to his 'bit on the side'?

You're right that it isn't your fault that he isn't satisfied. That's his failing. If she wasn't a match for him, then getting married and having a child was a stupid move, wasn't it? If she only knows a 'small bit' about his dominant nature - well perhaps he should have put his cards on the table earlier in the relationship. If my husband has some deeply important need he hasn't communicated to me, then surely I can't be blamed for not fulfilling it? And if he decided to go elsewhere, how do you think he would present me? He's not likely to say 'my wife tries really hard, she really cares about me and our relationship and I love her very much, but I've decided I still want to screw around'? Or do you think he would say 'she's not willing to meet my needs, we're just staying together for the kids'?

If I were in your position, of course I would wonder 'what if'. But I don't want to be anyone's second choice. As others have said, you may not be the only 'other woman'. You will always be a dirty secret. You will never get your partner on Christmas Morning or New Year's Eve or any of those fun times.

Have some self respect. You can get better than this. You can be someone's first priority if you want to. Or hell, you can have all the NSA sex you want to. But don't be someone's fall-back fuck. Find a nice open relationship if monogamy isn't for you. Be a decent person, find a decent person. This guy is almost certainly going to cheat sooner or later, and there's going to be a whole lot of hurt on all sides. You don't want that.



crazyml -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 4:16:04 AM)

Hello, and welcome to the forum!

I think you might know the answer already...

Personally, there are a number of reasons why I wouldn't be interested in pursuing this..

There's the moral questions (and my morals are mine not yours - so you're totally free to disregard my point of view!) - it would feel wrong to me. I wouldn't want to do something that might cause pain to an innocent third-party.

There's the likelihood of drama/fuck-up - You can see, I'm sure, how this could get really shitty for all concerned.

There's also the fact that... well you know, time has passed.... sometimes it's better to leave something pleasantly unresolved than risk spoiling pleasant memories.

So my sense would be - No fucking way. But, you will make the choice that you feel is right for you.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 4:43:21 AM)

Should you or shouldn't you? You already know the answer to this one, you should not. But will you?

There is a term for people who commit adultery, it's called lacking moral fiber.

Now, I'm not going to get into how someone 26 years old has so little moral fiber they think cheating with a newly married man with an infant is "okay.". I *AM* going to get into what you can do about it. You can decide, right now, today, that your actions will suit your ethics.

One of the first steps in acquiring some ethics is realizing you don't have to act on your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings, you don't have to justify them, they are part of who you are. What you are going to have to justify somewhere down the road is how you acted.

Try to think of yourself, let's say 20 years from now, looking back at this situation and how you acted. Did you behave ethically? Or will you have deep regrets for the pain and heart break you caused so you could get your kink on?

As far as there being no Doms in your area, well, TN is known as having an active kink scene. You might have to get into Nashville, but I'd say that's a sight easier than helping to wreck a marriage.

BTW: Why on God's green earth would you even want this guy for a Dom? He's a liar and a cheater who married someone *knowing* he needed a submissive partner, but ignoring that. He's soooo not worth it.



kalikshama -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 5:18:37 AM)

quote:

I guess I am just rationing it.

I feel that after all this time I owe it to myself and to him to see what happens.

I am not a believer in marriage. Coming from a family whose parents have been married for 35 years, I honestly don't see the this as necessary.

So he's married... He's dominant but can't be this way for his wife. They have a child and he is stuck with her. She doesn't want to be part of his bdsm life.

I do not want to marry this man. I simply want him to have an on and off again dom/sub relationship with me. I guess I am scum of the earth for wanting a married man.


Yes, you are rationalizing it.

You don't believe in marriage? So what? It's their marriage. He's not stuck with her. He can get a divorce. But he doesn't want a divorce - he wants his kid, he wants his wife to go on thinking he's monogamous, and he wants some strange pussy on the side. Don't delude yourself into thinking you're the only one he's cheating with - he was checking out the Missed Connection pages.

I don't believe in monogamy for me - but I don't lie or cheat. I'm in an open relationship. We tell each other about our dates.

Your thought process is that of a selfish 15 year old. But we can't save you from yourself. Go ahead and scratch that itch and see how much joy it brings you in the long run.



kalikshama -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 5:22:26 AM)

Put your city in fetlife to find the groups closest to you. There's 126 of them in your state: https://fetlife.com/search/groups?q=Tennessee

As a young, single, attractive female, you will be very much in demand.



OsideGirl -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 7:45:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Of course she can't be fulfilling his kinks. She just had a baby. She's lucky to get two hours sleep at a time and he's being a creep because she won't be his sex slave.
I was thinking the same thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Normal912


I am not a believer in marriage.
Okay, how about: Are you a believer in not lying? Are you a believer in living up to your promises?

quote:

Coming from a family whose parents have been married for 35 years, I honestly don't see the this as necessary.
Who cares if YOU don't think it's necessary. Whatever your views are on marriage, clearly he and his wife decided that it's what they wanted.

quote:

So he's married... He's dominant but can't be this way for his wife. They have a child and he is stuck with her. She doesn't want to be part of his bdsm life.
And he knew that when he made the decision to be with her. That's like buying a monster truck and then being pissed off that it gets bad gas mileage. He made his bed and knew what he was getting into.

quote:

I do not want to marry this man. I simply want him to have an on and off again dom/sub relationship with me. I guess I am scum of the earth for wanting a married man.
It shows a lack of ethics, a lack of trustworthiness, and a lack of empathy.


I'll repeat it again. He's lying to the most important person in his life. You are not the most important person in his life, which means that he won't hesitate to lie to you at all.




LafayetteLady -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 12:05:36 PM)

First, you owe it to him and yourself to see what happens?  No, you don't.  You fantasized about this guy for so long, you want to see if he lives up to the fantasy, nothing more, nothing less.

You think because you had parents that were married for 35 years, that qualifies you to see it as "unnecessary?"  It means because your parents have been married for 35 years, you have no clue what life is like as the child of a single parent household, and damn lucky you don't.  You haven't a clue the amount of work your parents have put into staying together for 35 years, because that is what it takes to stay together, work.

Now they have a kid, so he is "stuck" with her?  Does your father feel that way about you?  He was "stuck" with his mother because she gave birth to a selfish, hedonistic brat whose only concern is what she wants?

Having a child with someone doesn't make the two people "stuck" with each other.  The divorce rate shows that.

So you made the statement about you being scum for thinking this is okay....I don't know if scum is the right word.  Childish, selfish, ignorant, clueless. 

There are times when opposites attract.  There are other times when like attracts like.  Neither you or him hold honesty or integrity in high regard.  I can only hope that he has some big bucks in the bank, and his wife takes him for all of it, so she gives that baby the life it deserves without a lying cheat of a father who can't be trusted since he is out chasing anything that will spread her legs for him.  And kiddo, that is ALL you mean to him.  A gash to stash his dick for kicks.



LadyPact -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 12:37:35 PM)

OP, I doubt you really needed to ask this question. If you really thought it was ok, you'd have just gone off and done it.

The vibe I get from this is that you think the guy pined for you while he was off marrying somebody else. That's probably not the reality of it, though I'm sure he'll tell you all kinds of things that you want to hear.

Since you don't respect the institution of marriage, it shouldn't be a problem to sit down with the woman face to face and tell her so. I can certainly understand why you'd rather ask this question to a bunch of faceless strangers on the internet, rather than look the wife in the face.




angelikaJ -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 12:40:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Normal912

I guess I am just rationing it.

I feel that after all this time I owe it to myself and to him to see what happens.

I am not a believer in marriage. Coming from a family whose parents have been married for 35 years, I honestly don't see the this as necessary.

So he's married... He's dominant but can't be this way for his wife. They have a child and he is stuck with her. She doesn't want to be part of his bdsm life.

I do not want to marry this man. I simply want him to have an on and off again dom/sub relationship with me. I guess I am scum of the earth for wanting a married man.

I find it interesting that most of the responses are from sub/domme females. I have yet to hear a males side.




This has nothing to do with my gender nor orientation.

He chose to marry her.
I am assuming that this was not any kind of "shotgun wedding", either literal or figurative (despite what he might say to the contrary).
So while you don't believe in marriage, he evidently did.

And in the family that you grew up with perhaps fidelity meant something, and perhaps within the contract of marriage it didn't.

Have you ever had someone you loved cheat on you?
Was that something you were okay with?

You keep painting this picture of this poor man, burdened with a wife and stuck with a kid; you have portrayed him as a victim.

Can a dominant man who chose the circumstances he is in ever really be a victim?
Does he know that you really see him that way?
Are you seeing him that way because he is poor-me-ing himself to you to try and manipulate your feelings, or are you seeing him that way because you need a reason.

You are trying to justify.
You are trying to make okay the fact that he wants to have sex with you, while his wife is exhausted from caring for their child.
If he is not likewise tired then he is not really doing his share of the work in caring for their baby.

You can paint him any shade of pink (or blue) you wish, but that doesn't change the fact that he could have been in touch with you before this had he wished, and instead he chose to marry someone who was uninterested in a power dynamic.
His choice.

Don't you think you deserve better than sloppy seconds?
Don't you think his wife and baby deserve better than your leftovers?




sexyred1 -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 12:47:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Normal912

I guess I am just rationing it.

I feel that after all this time I owe it to myself and to him to see what happens.

I am not a believer in marriage. Coming from a family whose parents have been married for 35 years, I honestly don't see the this as necessary.

So he's married... He's dominant but can't be this way for his wife. They have a child and he is stuck with her. She doesn't want to be part of his bdsm life.

I do not want to marry this man. I simply want him to have an on and off again dom/sub relationship with me. I guess I am scum of the earth for wanting a married man.
I find it interesting that most of the responses are from sub/domme females. I have yet to hear a males side.




I would not say you are the scum of the earth. In fact, I would say that you are probably what most men on dating sites are seeking.

If this is so cool with you, then why try to have a message board validate you? You asked if there was some kind of loophole involved in having a strictly BDSM relationship.

Nope, no loopholes, just choices.



hlen5 -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 2:37:44 PM)

Why would you want to settle for half a loaf?? Inviting this guy into your life takes up space for a 24/7 guy.

I can only speak for myself, but sex without an emotional connection is never worth it in the long run to me.

If this is the way you go, enjoy your single Christmases and Valentine's Days.[:)]



hlen5 -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 2:44:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Normal912

I feel that after all this time I owe it to myself and to him........

...I find it interesting that most of the responses are from sub/domme females. I have yet to hear a males side.




ETA: What do you owe someone who dumped the possibility of a relationship with you and legally wedded someone else? You're trying to fulfill a fantasy that will taste very bitter after the fact.

My first thought on reading what the males might think is this thread is an ad for how little you expect for yourself. They might also think if "If she'll fool around WITH you, she'll fool around ON you".



subcurious12 -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 2:50:30 PM)

Since the ethical/moral aspect of this has been thoroughly covered by previous posters (well done ladies and gents), I'm going to focus on you OP. How can YOU look upon this man as a Dominant? What about his behavior is assertive? protective? strong? He waited for you to post an ad...he can't own up to his wife about his kinks...he chooses the path of dishonesty...he betrays those closest to him. Nothing about him is Dominant. At best he's a wanker who will tie you up for a session or two. BFD, you can find that anywhere...and you don't have to enable a cheating d-bag to do it.



littlewonder -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 3:57:31 PM)

I have a feeling that this "dom" everyone is speaking of is just dom in the kinky sex roleplaying arena....a character he puts on during a session and takes off right after to return his real life. I don't think she's looking for a Dom or a long term relationship. Just a fuck to satisfy her hot cunt.



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Should I or Shouldn't I???? (6/28/2012 4:13:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I don't think she's looking for a Dom or a long term relationship. Just a fuck to satisfy her hot cunt.

Which means she is in the same class with the dick-centric wanker HNGs that are so prevalent here. It's very apparent here that neither gender has a corner on that sort of behavior. The only difference is she is cunt-centric. [8|]

NBMG



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