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Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 3:56:28 PM   
bashfulbyte


Posts: 18
Status: offline 		I am dealing with something that is very troubling to me and I would like some advise. I had met someone on this site and thought we really hit it off and that he was the type of man I could respect and look up to. I traveled 1300 miles to meet him. Prior to that, we talked on the phone at least an hour a day for nearly a month, and before that through IM often... and he always initiated the contact.

What I have been blindsided with is the Silent Treatment. When I arrived, I was in a little bit of shock. Seeing photos of someone is not the same as having them in front of you, and I was not attracted to him. To me, It was also liken to meeting a stranger. He wanted to kiss me and hug me but I pulled away and said, "I just met you". It was weird for me, he was also being very forward, and I was clearly uncomfortable enough to warrant him telling me I could stay at a hotel that night. I got myelf to relax enough to shower and submit to a massage, like he told me he was going to give me after the long drive... It was great, and at least an hour, no one has ever done that for me. He got me all worked up with that then some spanking... and then cuddled me until I fell asleep. He attempted to have his way with me during the night (we discussed this on the phone and I said I would like it) But I was being woken during the wrong phase of sleep and couldnt stay awake. I mumbled something about being unable to wake up and he got off me. I think I insulted him or hurt his feelings... but I didn't mean he had to stop!

I got over the akwardness and became attracted to him within a couple of days. But after that first night, he was withdrawn from me. He didn't want to play or do anything we talked about on the phone. He did try to have his way with me a few more times during the night or early in the morning over my visit but I am not a morning person and was groggy and couldnt think straight and was just a very lousy lay. He didn't show intrest in me any other time. There was an instance where he was on the computer surfing CM and okcupid and I approached him naked and said, "Why is that more interesting than the woman that is already in your house?" He said something along the lines of "It makes me happy to see whats out there" and kept doing it... He would leave these profiles and dating sites open on the screen when he left the house. There were times when he told me to take a shower and shave before getting in bed for an afternoon nap... and we really did take a nap!!

After day 3, I was practically throwing myself at him and he was unresponsive. I tried blowing him, I tried saying, "I want to do more than cuddle". I showed him affection throught the day... Nothing. It was inconsistent to the way we discussed things would be on the phone. I couldn't get an answer and I was unable to get his attention and felt like there was something wrong with me and shut down the day before I left. I tried to kiss him when I was leaving and he was unresponsive to that as well... although he invited me to come visit him again... and said that there was a college nearby (I am a student and had to return home in time for summer semester) He didn't call me on my way home to check on me. After I left, he never called me again, or initiated contact. I tried to ask him why he wasn't interested and if there was something wrong with me and he wouldn't answer. I left him alone for a week, and didn't hear a thing. Now he has completely banished me altogether, deletes my messages unread, blocked me on IM, won't return my phone calls, and wont even give me a chance to explain myself and won't give me a reason for why things happened like they did. He lied about being unable to take my calls because he lost his phone. He lied about being unable to talk because he was working all day... he had still been logging into these sites and on the instant messenger.

He eventually said he wanted a relationship, not just kinky sex and thought I only wanted kinky sex because I wouldn't communicate why I was upset when I was at his house. I was upset because I was trying to communicate and he would only give me evasive answers or not answer at all. Well if I wanted just a fling I didn't need to drive 1300 miles for it. Of course I was expecting the kinky sex too because he discussed it and even told me to bring my toy bag and had described things he was going to do to me... but thats not why I went to see him. I traveled for what I thought was an amazing man. I don't understand why I have been so calously snubbed after traveling so drastically far, when I want the same things he says he wants. He just went *poof*. I never even got an "I'm not interested." It is like he ignred me hoping I would just go away and give up. Even a "Your nanner smells like a bag of fritos; my friends and I call you Frito-lay" would have been better than just being cut off.

Why has this happened?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:12:24 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Hon, really? How would we know, we don't know him. He just wasn't that into you, for reasons that honestly don't matter. That you gave it a try for more than a day shows a good bit of fortitude on your part.

Click 'next' and move on to the next adventure.

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:14:01 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

Seeing photos of someone is not the same as having them in front of you, and I was not attracted to him. To me, It was also liken to meeting a stranger.



If you're going to date people you met online, get used to that feeling. Apparently this was your first time.


quote:



He attempted to have his way with me during the night (we discussed this on the phone and I said I would like it) But I was being woken during the wrong phase of sleep and couldnt stay awake. I mumbled something about being unable to wake up and he got off me. I think I insulted him or hurt his feelings... but I didn't mean he had to stop!



You don't know what you mumbled, because you were half-conscious. If he's sensible, he wouldn't take it personally given the state you were in. However, if he's sensible, he also wouldn't play around with a possible rape charge. Remember how you just met? That's probably why he stopped.

quote:




I got over the akwardness and became attracted to him within a couple of days. But after that first night, he was withdrawn from me. He didn't want to play or do anything we talked about on the phone. He did try to have his way with me a few more times during the night or early in the morning over my visit but I am not a morning person and was groggy and couldnt think straight and was just a very lousy lay. He didn't show intrest in me any other time.





Sounds like you got off on the right foot. Skip the getting to know each other, and base your new relationship on awkward sex.


quote:



There was an instance where he was on the computer surfing CM and okcupid and I approached him naked and said, "Why is that more interesting than the woman that is already in your house?" He said something along the lines of "It makes me happy to see whats out there" and kept doing it... He would leave these profiles and dating sites open on the screen when he left the house. There were times when he told me to take a shower and shave before getting in bed for an afternoon nap... and we really did take a nap!!




You gave him mixed signals. You ramped up the awkward factor by engaging in activities you weren't ready for (both your fault). The two of you had crappy communication (both your fault).

Neither of you seem to know exactly what you want or how to talk to each other. He's retreated from the situation and avoided dealing with you. Again, get used to that feeling.

(in reply to bashfulbyte)
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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:16:24 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I was not attracted to him.


I don't understand why you stayed or why you are having angst about him rejecting you after you rejected him first.

ps - While there are some long distance success stories, these are rare. I can understand why you thought he'd be the same in person as he was remotely - I have been disappointed by this too. Now I have a strict local guys only policy. Make your first meet vanilla - coffee with no expectations. Have this coffee meeting quickly - within a few weeks. Don't build up the fantasy in your head - see if there is chemistry in person.





< Message edited by kalikshama -- 6/29/2012 4:22:49 PM >

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(in reply to bashfulbyte)
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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:22:38 PM   
bashfulbyte


Posts: 18
Status: offline 		I understand I did some things wrong because I am inexperienced but he wont even give me a chance to redeem myself. I'm aware that I might have sent the wrong message but I have tried to clarify that. It is like I have been given one strike and am out. The answers that I did get, didn't match with his actions and all I wanted was him to come out with it if he is not intersted or not but he wouldn't. I have run into some bad dudes and fallen for predators and guys that didn't really have their heart in it, learned from those experiences and didn't get any of those red flags before I made the trip. I didn't even see this coming. I stayed for a week and otherwise it was wonderful and he was good to me and I thought we had a connection. How do I not make these mistakes again with the next one and what mistakes did I make?

(in reply to Baroana)
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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:24:41 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

what mistakes did I make?


Think about this and tell us.

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:28:26 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte
Seeing photos of someone is not the same as having them in front of you, and I was not attracted to him. To me, It was also liken to meeting a stranger.


He WAS a stranger.

As for the rest: Sometimes people who are single are single for a reason.

The things that pop out at me are:

He only wanted sex when you were sleeping.

He's looking for the next woman while you're there visiting.

He's unwilling to answer a question straight on.

Consider yourself lucky that you found out who he is before you became entirely invested in him.

You're young and attractive. You should have your pick of men.


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:32:41 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have had several long distance success stories. One startling not-success. I suppose I've always been a risk taker as far as these things go.

When things don't work, DROP IT. All the things OsideGirl noticed, I noticed.

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:33:11 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hey,
Non snarky bit:-
Let's get the awesome stuff out of the way... You're as cute as a button, plainly literate and smart. Although the first para in your profile is a little odd you get a huge bravo for your use of the word "facetious".

You're awesome, and he's out there somewhere. No doubt about it.

But "he" is plainly not this particular dude.

So, poppet, you just saddle up and move on babes. I've no doubt that Plano is chokka with Dom types (I know Plano well and am certain that it is - All those EDS dudes for starters).

The not non snarky bit -

I mean, I appreciate that I'm more sensitive and empathetic than most, but you don't need Kojak to tell you... this chap isn't into you.

Now, I have no idea what actually went on in his mind... but here's my wild stab...

He meets this super hawt chick online, and falls into that "frenzy" (you know... the "frenzy" that almost ALWAYS results in bitter disappointment?) and is cock-a-hoop that you're travelling to see him. Then... you act all distant and freaky - He's thinking "What the fuck... you were playing fucking stairway to heaven on the lady ukulele on cam for me two days ago and now you won't even kiss?"

Then you do an about face... now you're all over him like some awful rash, pressurising him, making him feel stalked. Trapped, you're like some psychotic bitch on heat, and he's almost afraid...

Then... what's with the...

quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte
Now he has completely banished me altogether, deletes my messages unread, blocked me on IM, won't return my phone calls


How many messages are we talking about? How many calls? I mean... you know if you've sent him more than 5 messages or left more than 5 calls then you're officially a nutjob... right?

And...

quote:

I never even got an "I'm not interested."


What the fuck? Seriously.... you're 25. If a dude is ignoring your (multiple) emails, messages and IM's how interested - let's say out of 10 - do you think he is?

C'mon... let's workshop this...

Assuming that 0 is "No I'm not fucking interested you madwag, leave me the fuck alone" and 10 is "I am just pacing up and down waiting for your next missive"


.... I've written a number down...

I'll share mine if you share yours

[ETA]

But... don't get me wrong, you are fucking gorgeous, and I'd put up with a reasonable amount of shit if it meant I eventually got to have a go on you.

< Message edited by crazyml -- 6/29/2012 4:36:40 PM >

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:39:44 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		There, listen to our Crazy. Who thankfully agrees with me, yay validation.



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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:41:41 PM   
kalthus


Posts: 64
Joined: 4/17/2012
Status: offline 		My guess is - this is why you shouldn't plan to have sex, kinky or otherwise, on the first 'date'

I would imagine he's no more experienced at meeting people this way than you are. He was an idiot to assume that you would be all over him, but when you weren't, he lost interest in having sex with you. Despite our reputation, guys don't always want to have a woman just because she is available, so when you changed your mind and decided to initiate sex, it didn't change anything.

My advice would be - next time, meet him half way, get to know each other face to face, then see if there's any kind of spark which means you both want it to continue. If not, move on.


(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:43:22 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalthus

My guess is - this is why you shouldn't plan to have sex, kinky or otherwise, on the first 'date'
These are sage words.


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:47:33 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Right... because you really need that validation eh?

;-)

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:50:03 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		You had a first meeting. It didn't turn out. Now you want closure or some specific reason that things didn't work out. There may not be any one reason. It just didn't work. If this was the first time you have ever had something similar happen, then you are very fortunate. Most of us have many didn't quit work out meetings. It sounds as if you two were not compatible so it's best you found out quickly. Now you can continue to search for someone who suits you better and for someone you suit better.

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 4:52:24 PM   
Trismagistus


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/16/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana


Sounds like you got off on the right foot. Skip the getting to know each other, and base your new relationship on awkward sex.




Can I quote you on that?

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 5:05:48 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		You got some good advice here, use it and move on. Like Crazy said, you're cute as hell. Take your pic.

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 5:07:04 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I've had the exact same experience from the other side. She was interested in her things and I was interested in mine. She kinda complied with sex but thought it was too early for it.

The sex/play stuff is really awkward. If you travel 1300 miles, you really should try it, but it IS early in the relationship.

Try to find locals.

And FFS, a lovely 25 year old sub looking for 40ish and 50ish Dominant men - your issue will be weeding through them.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 5:16:27 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		~FR~
For various reasons, he was just.....not that into you. If he's been deleting your messages unread and not answering your phone calls, hey, just leave him alone and keep on looking. Good gawd, girl, you look smokin' hawt!! And you like to fish too! Yeah, I checked out all your pics.

Anyone your age with your looks and looking for a guy in his 40s or 50s, shit, you won't be able to keep up with the cmails. In the future, though, I'd try to meet someone face-to-face in the first very few weeks, cause who someone can pretend to be very different online than who he really is. Online is all fantasy, reality is when you meet in, get this....reality.

NBMG

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RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 5:21:43 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		As others have pointed out, seeing someone in real life is quite different from online. My own personal philosophy is to meet as soon as possible in order to assess if I'm attracted to someone or not. Why waste all the effort and time getting attached to a voice or messages when it might not work in real life. And really....what are you doing traveling that far away? You're attractive and intelligent from looking at your profile. Stick to a policy of dating local and you won't get led so far from home. You are a hot commodity, you don't have to make things so hard on yourself.

As far as the guy goes, yeah, you gave him mixed messages. I think it was understandable to feel awkward and apprehensive at first, perhaps if he'd have given it a better effort when you came around, then it would have worked out. But he didn't for whatever reason of his. He seems to me to be a poor communicator, which would drive me nuts. It just seems as though it didn't work out for the two of you for whatever reason, and I don't think you're ever going to get the answer here that you want from him for closure, so maybe it's just time to tell yourself to move on without it.

Look at it this way, at least you found out now. You may have invested time, money, energy into the trip you took, but at least it's not 5 years later and you're wondering why you took up with him. Time to move on, let him go. For whatever reason he's not interested in continuing with you or letting you know why it didn't work. You can't force that out of someone so get on with your life. Best of luck to you.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason - 6/29/2012 5:42:59 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

Right... because you really need that validation eh?

;-)


Well yes I do, actually! So, ta!

And when someone explains to me the relationship between dating and fucking I will be happier. Becuase I swear, there is no timetable other than 'when you both feel like it'.

_____________________________

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(in reply to crazyml)
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