RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason

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angelikaJ -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 1:55:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte Otherwise, I did have a great vanilla week there with him and he was very kind to me and I thought we had a good time and enjoyed eachother's company. I did see some things in his interactions with others that hinted at some undesireable personality traits but it wasn't enough to judge how severe it was; I don't however expect anyone to be perfect. For instance, he used me to hurt a woman who he knew was in love with him. He told me she was coming over and it was because he wanted her to see me and "get the rumor mill" started. Shortly after coming to his home and meeting me, she professed her love for him and said that men taking up with younger women made her sick. He invited her and her sponsor to have icecream with us the next day. Afterwards, this woman called him and asked straight up "do you like [bashfulbyte] more than me?" And I watched him give her an evasive answer that wasn't an answer.. same as he did to me.... Then hang up the phone and tell me how undesireable she was. This really bothered me because I have been in that other woman's position; I wouldn't wish it on anyone. He did admit he is habitually incorrigable and likes to get people worked up. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Yes, AA sponsor. He knew her from meetings I think. I don't know if they were ever involved or not but he did acknowlege he knew she wanted to be with him... then made a remark about the only woman that didn't want to be with him was one who hadn't met him yet. I did not allow myself to consider him for more than friendship, because of the distance, until he started with the waves a plane ticket business. And asking me questions like, "You can make soap out here cant you?" "Theres a community college near here and because I am a disabled vet my wife and children would get free tuition" and that I should come out as a trial and see if we can stand to live with eachother... things like that. I would like to hear some Master's opinions on the paying your way or not. Of course I wouldn't demand it, but am questioning if I was wrong to take it upon myself in this instance, after it was his idea and he offered, because I felt some guilt for burdening him. Why were you stressing over his lack of interest? Seriously, no one likes being rejected but if you can't see how the conflicts between his words and his actions are a big red flag and how those along with all the game playing might make him an unsuitable partner not just for you but for anyone...? Really, my question to you is why did you stay the entire week? He behaved bizarrely with you and wouldn't sit down and talk about it, he played childish games and he was talking about marriage and kids before you left. I really do want to be gentle here, but your definition of a great week and mine must really differ... although I do understand how strong the desire to belong can be. As for who travels to whom, sometimes over a great distance people agree to meet in the middle. But if he travels to you, he stays in a hotel or motel, at least the first visit. I hope you can see the reason why?

DeviantlyD -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 2:36:29 AM)
I respectfully disagree with those who say to pay your own way. A 50/50 sharing should be the way to go. And I wouldn't feel beholden in the least to the other person who paid for half. That would be their expectation, not mine and I have no obligation whatsoever to fulfill their expectation on a first meet. That doesn't mean I'm going to flake out on that person, it just means that if they give this "you owe me" line, that's their problem, not mine. I did do a long distance meet with someone. He paid for half the cost. Things didn't work out, we just weren't compatible, but I did enjoy my visit with him and I know he enjoyed it too. :)

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 2:46:56 AM)
Here's the reason you were snubbed: he's an asshole. And you, you my dear chased after him and threw yourself at him and now are obsessing about him to the point you are posting for advice on the internet. As others have mentioned, he's not worth it. And as Dark Steven mentioned, me thinks you have some issues, please deal with them first before pursuing another relationship. That said, here are some things every female (dom or sub, doesn't matter) should know about the way most men's brains work when it comes to a sexual partner that they are really into to: Men tend to want what is hard to get and to discard what comes too easily. This is not a "she shouldn't put out on the first date" bias, more of a value bias. As a general rule, women who value themselves do not put out easily, and if a man is looking for more than a quick fuck, that's what he goes for, someone who values herself. Are there exceptions? Sure. When a man is into you, there is very little he will not do to pursue you. He chases you, period. He will come to you, he will NOT expect you to pay, he may want to get up close and personal too soon but he knows he's not supposed to blow this part. So he'll take his clues from you. If a man doesn't do this, he is socially inept, not that into you, or both. Discard (quickly). The time before first meeting a man online or real time and having sex with him is crucial. If a man is into you (beyond mere wanting to have sex with you,) he will be on his absolute best behavior. Even a dom male can be manipulated to the point he will jump through some hoops to get you. Am I advocating this? Not really. More of a gee, slow it down (since YOU get to set the pace) and see who this guy is, as a person. For some men it's all about the chase. Once they "have" you so to speak, they lose interest. So far I have not encountered one like this who was worth two cents. Move on. Stop making your relationships all about sexual compatibility, important as that is, and make it about friendship first. Reasons to look for a therapist.

kalikshama -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 3:40:35 AM)
quote: Is it also a better idea, if they are far away and invite me to come visit, that they pay for my way instead of myself? 1. Stick to local guys. There's over 400,000 men in your county. Use fetlife to find local BDSM events and groups. 2. If you can't stick to # 1, have HIM come to YOU and he pays his own way. If he can't be bothered to make the effort when things are new then he won't make any effort later.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 3:44:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama 1. Stick to local guys. There's over 400,000 men in your county. Use fetlife to find local BDSM events and groups. 2. If you can't stick to # 1, have HIM come to YOU and he pays his own way. If he can't be bothered to make the effort when things are new then he won't make any effort later. QFT

kalikshama -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 3:44:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Ok, so I just read your other post on another thread and it seems you jump quickly from one relationship to another and with much older men. I'm guessing you have some unresolved issues you need to deal with. I would advise not getting involved with anyone at all until you figure this out and work on fixing it. The relationship you are referring to from another thread ended October last year and I have not been with anyone since other than the man in this post. I have "talked to" many in between and had coffe/lunch/dinner but not decided to move forward with one untill I met this gentleman and fell for him. I'm not going to give you a hard time about the age gap but clearly it would behoove you to learn to make better choices before you fall for someone again.

lilcracker -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 5:35:06 AM)
To the OP, One thing I have learned is that for me personally, when I have a first meet even if it is at a distance, I need space. And honestly, unless he lives within a half hour travel time, I am not going to meet for just coffee or dinner. I'll plan to stay a few days. But I do like my space. If I travel to him, I have made plans to travel when he can't get time away from work or if he travels to me it must be a short visit or I need to be at work. Space gives me solo time to think about our interaction together. To replay that time over in my head---first meets are always difficult. And really interactions online are sometimes quite decieving when it comes to real time. There have been men I thought were amazing online until I met them. There have been guys I have disliked on a first meet only to take some head space time and later discover chemistry with. There have been guys I 'loved' on a first meet only to discover afterwards they are total jerks. I have had sex on a first meet, I have put off sex on a first meet...I have met for just 'coffee' on a first meet meaning spending a few hours in real time and I have traveled and entertained for longer periods. It just depends on the guy and the circumstances of the meet. I have paid my way to travel, I have had men pay my way to travel, I have went halfsies on travel whether they came to me or I came to them, I think once I paid for someone to travel to me. I have never limited myself to any sort of 'community rules,' when it comes to dating in this lifestyle or in general. After 20 plus years being involved in this lifestyle and dating in general, I have learned to trust my instinct, but occasionally, "GOD" is more of an imp with an awesome mask. Maturity has taught me to pick up and move on without an bitterness in my heart. It's a waste to wallow in the bitterness, regret or saddness. In regards to your post, you are YOUNG. I was just about your age a little younger when I met my first Dom. If I knew what I know now way back then, I'd probably be on easy street, but I needed to travel my road. Life (not just this lifestyle) is a journey. You travel your road, and have obstacles across the way that you aren't sure how to get through. But in the end you will figure it out. This guy just sounds like an obstacle, and you aren't sure how to get passed it but you will. I only have one side of the story here, but from what I have heard, if it were me, I'd be dusting off my butt saying, "I'm so glad that is over!" Good luck to you!

Buzzzz -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 6:39:17 AM)
You sent mixed messages. !st you say you aren't attracted to him and was very distant. Then, a little later, you say that he tried to fuck you while you slept (you discussed it prior) and pushed him away. But then you said that if he tried harder it would have been "ok". Then later, you said that you tried "blowing him". You aren't attracted to him and after a couple of days together, you want to suck his cock? are bj's just for everyone/anyone that meets you?

ResidentSadist -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 6:51:23 AM)
I disagree with many . . . I think you handled it all wrong and it is completely your fault. You knew him for a month, traveled 1,300 miles to be with him then reject him by saying saying you just met. You seriously don't know what happened? Seriously . . . you don't understand? When I have meet people online and it took weeks to get together, we were so hot, we fucked in the damn airport. But not in your case, you rejected him for days. Why did you travel to meet him in person . . . for a cup of coffee . . . nope . . . "I was expecting the kinky sex too because he discussed it and even told me to bring my toy bag". You should have just said that you didn't like him in person and turned around. Seriously . . . you don't understand that you were a dickhead? You flew 1,300 miles to fuck him, then showed up and said, nope, you gotta' wait a couple extra days. You wouldn't submit and tear him off a piece when he wanted it, why in the hell should he tear you off piece at your command? Apparently he actually is dominant and you blew it, it's done, finished, give up, move on and get over it. You didn't submit to his desire and it looks like you aren't gonna' control that guy with your pussy whip. Better luck next time little girl.

GreedyTop -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 6:58:02 AM)
actually, RS, she drove ;)

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 7:14:29 AM)
RS ya big meanie! [:D]

Endivius -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 7:22:37 AM)
My perspective : On the subject of LDM, I prefer to travel to them. Look, I don't want some nut job knowing where I live. I can fly out to a city, stay at a Hotel and meet her at a public place. If she and I hit it off in person. Rock on. If not, I can see the city, and maintain my anonymity. Now for the ladies, I dunno how thier perspective is. I would imagine if the D type offered to stay at a hotel in the city it would show a practical understanding of boundaries and personal space, as well as safety. Just my 2c on LDM. On the subject of relocation, if for whatever reason, I felt that me and this slut just hit it right off. I'm talking fireworks, leather, and ac/dc in the background; she's not just gonna move into my home. This is where I live, this is my sanctuary, my castle. I'm not just gonna pencil in another responsibility without being absolutely sure. We are gonna meet several times before that happens. And when the time comes for her to make that trip, guess what? She's paying. That's right. I said SHE is paying. She wants to be with me, she can pay to bring her ass down here. If two people want to be together, they will find a way to make it happen. I'll pay to relocate her away from me if things don't work out. And, I will insist that she have some money saved incase things don't work out. I'm not gonna throw her out like garbage, but I'm also not gonna allow her to risk her financial and personal security and future on our relationship. I want her to be no worse off(heartbreak aside) when we part (if that should happen) than when we met.

kalikshama -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 7:53:58 AM)
quote: Apparently he actually is dominant and you blew it, it's done, finished, give up, move on and get over it. I agree that it's over but must subtract domly points for someone who only tries for sex when she's asleep.

Endivius -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 8:00:55 AM)
I also deducted points for the OP only offering a blow job once. Seriously? And you wonder why this man was not excited to have you around? You drove 1300 miles for what, to recieve a massage?

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 8:07:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama I agree that it's over but must subtract domly points for someone who only tries for sex when she's asleep. Domly points? Make that people points, please. Shesh, the only time he tried to have sex with her was when she was asleep. In other words, things deteriorated to the point he was just hoping for some quick pussy. Nothing wrong with quick pussy mind you, but your first time with someone is when they are asleep? Really? I think they have a name for that, and it's not good.

Winterapple -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 8:44:52 AM)
FR I can't fathom people going to stay at the house of someone they have never met or allowing someone they've never met to stay at their home. I'm sure it's turned out great for some people but I'd never do it. I can't give the guy to many domly points. I don't understand why either of them let things stretch out for a week. His behaviour after the dud sex screamed "I want you to leave but I'm not going to say so. I'm just going to passively aggressive look at other women on the Internet in front of you." He should have just said this isn't going to work out, leave and don't contact me again. Here's a little money for the gas and good luck in your senior year.

GreedyTop -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 9:00:11 AM)
I have, on several occasions, not only had my trips paid for, but then stayed from day one with the gentlemen that paid for my travel. Overseas and within the US. Of course, these trips happened while I was well into my 40s, and I have a pretty well developed instinct. There was sex (LOTS of it!! YAY!!) but in the end, we found out that, as far as the BDSM/ DS stuff, incompatible. We are still friends though.

LaTigresse -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 9:00:56 AM)
Well colour me crazy because there are multiple people here that I would invite to my house, offer them a meal and a place to sleep, without hesitating. Then again I wouldn't expect any sex or 'play' either. My only expectations would be shared meals, lots of laughs and good conversation.

GreedyTop -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 9:04:42 AM)
I agree with you, LaT (in my case, the awesome sex was just a bonus LOL)

Winterapple -> RE: Being snubbed and not given a reason (6/30/2012 10:01:06 AM)
As I said I'm sure it's worked out great for a lot of people. Just wouldn't be my choice in how to explore the possibilities of a intimate relationship and a real time real life relationship. Over time on forums you can feel like you have a good sense of someone. Hopes and dreams for a partnership can cloud judgement in a way friendship probably doesn't. I never said anyone was crazy and I'm all in favor of people having good sex in whatever way works out for them. And for every happy story in the naked city I imagine there's a that was a bust story to.

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