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Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 1:15:43 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
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I've always liked being the traditional, old fasioned guy
when it comes to money, I pick up the bill for eating out,
I pay for everything really, and thats how I run my
relationships, I think it came from when I was a teen
and had no money, when my girlfriends wanted to do
Something and I couldn't afford it, I felt small when they
Would pay.
Now I am a financial control freak, although sometimes it
Feels like in al bundey from married with children...

I have found that I get some kind of psychological boost
From being not only depended on but also controlling who
Does what, and who buys what, having my partner come
and try to sweet talk me and be well behaved because there
Is something she wants.

I suppose this sort of thing is how alot of normal husbands
And fathers feel?
Anyone have any similar situations?
Im most interested in hearing from those in a D/s, M/s
relationship about how money is handled in their household.

-ARIES

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 3:57:22 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

We had a financial dynamic in my last D/s relationship. At first I found it hot, but once I grew to detest swing clubs I took back control of my finances because I wanted nothing to do with money I'd earned being spent on that. My next Dom would have to be Paul Krugman for me to participate in a financial dynamic again.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 4:13:36 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

He handles the money. This was very hard for me at first, and sometimes it's still a struggle for me to submit to.

I have always handled my own money and the common money in any relationship I have been in, except with my ex husband, who let me handle it when things were going good between us, then took back control (and fucked things up) when things were bad.

Obviously I had some baggage attached to giving up this control, but I have managed it.

I would say *most* doms want financial control, I have idea how many actually have it.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 4:20:46 AM

areallivehuman

Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline

Funny thing, I had to face this when I moved my girl in. I don't mind paying on dates, I believe if a gentleman asks a lady out, he should pick up the tab. It gets a little cloudier when co-habitating. The way I figure it, I'd be paying the mortgage and utilities whether she was here or not. But she didn't feel right, it was important to her to be contributing.
The way I solved it was to declare all her earnings mine, but to be kept in her own bank account. I am saving for a new roof, and told her that her account was my savings account. She pays her car payment, student loans, gas, and day to day expenses out of her money, the rest is saved. She can buy whatever she needs, clothes, gifts for her kids and grandkids. But knowing it's my money keeps her from spending frivolously. And if anything should happen, her money is in her account.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 4:36:23 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
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hmmmm... not a hope in hell..

The last relationship where i lived with someone was with my vanilla ex and no, he was lousy with money. I did not have a bank account with him or even own my home or any real estate jointly with him..

I hope to eventually live with a guy/Dom but I will not give up any financial control, period.. its more than just a trust thing, I make money with the money & assets I have and dont need no one screwing that up..

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 5:17:35 AM

SexyThoughts

Posts: 180
Joined: 7/14/2011
Status: offline

Money is a form of power in a capitalist society. So power mad BDSMers go the other direction and barter with friends, it's less vulgar. Living skills and services for barter, inanimate parts still require cash.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 5:18:45 AM

xLaChienne

Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline

In My past relationships I made all of the major financial decisions.

I tend to pay most of My expenses on an annual basis as opposed to monthly which many find difficult to do.

I would determine the portion to go into the expenses account, separate personal accounts, and what's available for sundries. I do not want to be bothered with minor expenses so if he wanted to stop and grab a coffee on the way to work, he didn't need to ask My permission. Where we lived, where we traveled, cars, investments, etc. was My realm. While I encouraged input the final decision was and is always Mine.

I don't consider this financial domination or part of a BDSM dynamic. I usually have more and make more than My partners. My life runs a certain way so either they fit into it or move on.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 5:50:50 AM

tj444

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Joined: 3/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyThoughts

Money is a form of power in a capitalist society.

maybe some people see money as a form of power, I see it as freedom.. the more money you have, the more freedom and choices you have.. having money gives you the ability to say F**k you!

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 6:01:23 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

maybe some people see money as a form of power, I see it as freedom.. the more money you have, the more freedom and choices you have.. having money gives you the ability to say F**k you!

The freedom to say fuck you IS power.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 6:14:06 AM

smartsub10

Posts: 865
Joined: 4/23/2010
Status: offline

Financial control is a hard limit. I've worked hard and clawed my way up to a good paying position. Most of the men I've dated recently make way less than me. No way in hell I'm giving up control of my hard-earned bucks.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 6:42:47 AM

tj444

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Joined: 3/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444
maybe some people see money as a form of power, I see it as freedom.. the more money you have, the more freedom and choices you have.. having money gives you the ability to say F**k you!

The freedom to say fuck you IS power.

i guess it depends on how you define those words.. "power" to me means power/control over others not just yourself, which is not my goal in having enough money to say fuck you.. "freedom" to me means power over myself and my choices only..

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Post #: 11

RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 6:55:42 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Even if we weren't in a Dom/sub relationship (and there have been times in our marriage when we moved away from that), all our money belongs to the household, rather than an individual. We both need the rent paid, the electricity/phone/water working, food in the fridge, clothes on our back and petrol in the car. We have a child that we are both responsible for supporting. We both work equally hard to keep the household running, so 'this is your money, this is my money' never made sense. Up until very recently I was the main wage earner by quite a margin, and I wouldn't have felt right to have more luxuries and spending money than my husband. Just because his wage was lower doesn't mean he wasn't working as hard. Now I don't have a job but you bet I work just as hard to keep the house going. Our money goes into one account, all the bills go out, we save some and then the rest is for luxuries. I ask his permission to buy treats for myself but I don't have to ask to buy basic clothes and such, or things the baby needs. Sometimes he even asks me if I mind if he buys something for himself - not because I'm in charge, but because I might remember some other impending expense he has overlooked.

So technically he is in charge of the money, but in reality it doesn't come up much day to day since we are both on the same page and pretty responsible. I can't imagine being married to someone and having separate money - to me marriage means you are on the same team. I would feel differently if we were still in the early stages of the relationship, or living apart. I wouldn't be with someone who was selfish or irresponsible with cash. We also came into the relationship with roughly equal finances - it might be different if one of us had a lot to lose, but I don't think so in our case.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 8:17:46 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

For us, we both share in financial stuff for the most part. If we go out some place, whoever has the money pays. Sometimes we'll both pitch in. But he does have the whole macho man men pay thing going on at times. lol. I just kinda roll my eyes lol.

Now I still always ask him when I purchase large items or items I'm not sure how he'll feel about and then he either says yes or no. We have been together for so many years though that most of the time I'm pretty sure what he'll approve of or not but every once in awhile when I want something that he's kinda on back burner about I'll usually give my thoughts on why I want it and we discuss it and then he decides.

That's not to say when I first meet a guy for a date, yeah, I expect him to pay. I'm old fashioned in that regard. I don't think I have to worry about that anymore though. lol

ETA: He trusts me to take care of my own money because I'm a responsible person. But for me money is just not that big a deal. It doesn't run my life and money is just not that important to me. It's just simply something to keep my life running smoothly. If he decided today to take over all my finances I would have no problem with it. He's a responsible man which is why he's my Master. If I can't trust him with something as trivial as money then I can't trust him with my life. It's as simple as that.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 7/2/2012 8:25:48 AM >

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 8:23:11 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

We're married, so some of this is a moot point. He pays the bills, but our finances aren't kept a secret from me.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 9:53:14 AM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Ha, I like the Al Bundy comparison, but My hubbs really feels like him. He is always saying that. Reason being, (and this is true, I have to admit) when he has any money whatsoever, I will spend it. We will have a daily budget, if we are down to 5 dollars towards the end of the day, then I get something for $4.99 lol. He is such a tight wad but He will spend it because I want it, but I am going to hear something about it. LOL.

As far as the bills and such, well I handle all of that. I tell him what is due and when, and I pay for it out of the bank account. The money I make, I pay for stuff like groceries, cable bill, gas, small stuff like that. But our money goes into the account. I know EVERYTHING, just as He does. Bless his heart, I think I'm gonna end up driving him crazy. But I can say that He is such a good sport when I drag him into antique stores or places like that. So no complaints here.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 1:16:16 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If I gave up financial control, then I'd be handing over a future inheritance, control of my children's college funds, signing over title to my house etc.

More importantly, he feels that dominants who do this are thieves, plain and simple. If you both only have paychecks and live week to week then it's not a big deal to be the one who writes the check to the phone company and so on. Once you have assets, things change significantly.

If your sub owned her own business, would you expect to be able to take control of that? Would you also say it was yours and not hers?

Now, if I was in the market for a car, he probably would pick which one based on what I need in a car.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 1:31:24 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I was brought up to think that the money that is brought home is everyone's money, because the bills have to be paid, right? I have known couples who divide everything up as Mine and NotMine, and that just seems like an odd kind of partnership.

I am used to doing things, and I can't imagine not being at least in on everything. My business will always be mine, though, even if I pay for "our" stuff with what I earn. I have phases of hopeless profligacy, and it would be helpful if someone was there to make me feel responsible. I am just not that great at taking care of "me", the "us" I do really well with.

I've had men tell me that they want me to take over EVERYTHING... and after watching my parents, I give that a NO. My dad couldn't write a check to save his soul. When mom got sick (well the first time she got REALLY sick) it was me that was scrambling to find coupon books and bills and such. That would get really tiring after awhile. Sure, I'll write all the checks and make sure things are paid, but I need someone aware that can help me make decisions.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 2:14:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The flip side of this is that if a dominant needs to earn more money to feel in charge, doesn't that say he's lacking some self esteem? After all if he felt insecure dating a woman who earned more, that doesn't come across as very domly.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 3:00:02 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Realy, that would be me saying I would only date someone who earned less than me? Which is nonsensical.

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RE: Money & Doming - 7/2/2012 3:32:34 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Even if we weren't in a Dom/sub relationship (and there have been times in our marriage when we moved away from that), all our money belongs to the household, rather than an individual. We both need the rent paid, the electricity/phone/water working, food in the fridge, clothes on our back and petrol in the car. We have a child that we are both responsible for supporting. We both work equally hard to keep the household running, so 'this is your money, this is my money' never made sense. Up until very recently I was the main wage earner by quite a margin, and I wouldn't have felt right to have more luxuries and spending money than my husband. Just because his wage was lower doesn't mean he wasn't working as hard. Now I don't have a job but you bet I work just as hard to keep the house going. Our money goes into one account, all the bills go out, we save some and then the rest is for luxuries. I ask his permission to buy treats for myself but I don't have to ask to buy basic clothes and such, or things the baby needs. Sometimes he even asks me if I mind if he buys something for himself - not because I'm in charge, but because I might remember some other impending expense he has overlooked.

So technically he is in charge of the money, but in reality it doesn't come up much day to day since we are both on the same page and pretty responsible. I can't imagine being married to someone and having separate money - to me marriage means you are on the same team. I would feel differently if we were still in the early stages of the relationship, or living apart. I wouldn't be with someone who was selfish or irresponsible with cash. We also came into the relationship with roughly equal finances - it might be different if one of us had a lot to lose, but I don't think so in our case.

This really makes sense to me.

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