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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 8:46:20 AM   
bashfulbyte


Posts: 18
Status: offline 		Its kind of hard not to have my nose in it when I'm the one she calls to cry about it. I did finally manage to convince her to go to counseling earlier this year. In regards to scammers, she says shes not sending money anymore but she is still chatting with them because shes is bored.

After the mention of the 1950s hoh and how its the norm for her generation, I see its not necessary to mention D/s. I have conveyed some ideas to her that I thought defined a good dominant and she would agree thats what she wanted and try to come up with how the new a-hole provided that or give an excuse why its okay he didn't; in retrospect, I see the same things apply to any good man.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 9:51:49 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		If my mother called me to whine about her string of shitty men I would tell her the same thing I would tell anyone.........."All those guys have one common denominator, YOU!"

It sounds like the woman shouldn't even be in a relationship. She needs to figure out what her own shit is that keeps attracting assholes. Until she does that, nothing is going to change.

If she is going to keep making the same mistakes and keep whining to you about it, call her on it. I did with my mother. She keeps doing the same dumbass shit, getting the same dumbass results. BUT, she doesn't call and whine to me about the dumbassery anymore!

You cannot fix stupid but you don't have to put up with it either.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 9:53:58 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

If my mother called me to whine about her string of shitty men I would tell her the same thing I would tell anyone.........."All those guys have one common denominator, YOU!"....




DingDingDing!!!

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 10:01:58 AM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		You say Granny is a Christian and not looking for a fling, but a marriage? Lots of Christian men are very into the HoH mindset. I would not specifically steer Granny toward D/s or BDSM; but, suggesting she go to a local Christian singles group. That might put her in touch with men she would have things in common with. It would also give her other people to talk to, help relieve her boredom, and maybe result in making some friends. All of this without you having to delve too far into her private life.

(in reply to hlen5)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 11:08:33 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

I know she is not a prude but she describes herself as a "christian woman" and says "I like sex, I like men" and also, "I don't have affairs, I get married". ...........

I am her granddaughter so she doesn't respect my opinions......



You can't be serious. Your grandmother, who describes herself as a "Christian woman" has a problem, and your solution is to introduce her to BDSM? I can see why she doesn't respect your opinion.

Do you really want to see a Dom put your grandmother in a cage? How about tie her up and flog her? How about order her to give him blowjobs on command?

Don't force your kink on others. After all, this is your grandmother we're talking about. Do you really think that taking her to a "play party" is a good idea?

If I were you, I'd be suggesting that she join a seniors group and play Bingo with them. Or perhaps she should join a church "singles group". Many churches have single groups that have functions for older singles. Or perhaps you should just counsel her on the dangers of going on-line, and recommend that she allow you to do her on-line work. Any of these paths would likely be better than suggesting that she find a Dom. Geez!

(in reply to bashfulbyte)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 11:42:30 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

I believe she needs this type of relationship. She is actively looking for "taken in hand". I worry about her because she falls for those nigerian scammers and gets too invested in men who don't deserve her. The last one IMO was a bum, user and abuser. She stuck with him for so long because he was dominant, controlling and criticized her, but it was the wrong kind because he could not even control himself and the wrong motives were behind it.

The type of man she wants and needs, I believe is a Master. She wants to be subservient to a man that cherishes her, and can get into her head in a good way. I don't think she has ever heard of D/s or is aware there is a whole subculture centered around it. I would like some resources or literature I could show her and keep the kink part out of it. I think if I started with some actual terminology and she went and googled it and saw some of the physical stuff that ties in, she would be completely closed off to the mental ideas thereafter even though they are the same as her own.


It really isn't all that difficult to see why your grandmother isn't respecting your opinion.  You think you know what your grandmother needs and it seems to based soley on the way you believe men are treating her.  Your solution is to find her men that will still treat her in much the same way, but tag it with BDSM so it's ok?

Be a shoulder to cry on, but keep the advice to yourself concerning BDSM

(in reply to bashfulbyte)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 2:01:35 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		This is an EASY ONE - shit, come talk to Dr. Love here.

Sit the old bag down and say "now listen up here granny -"

What you need is some MasterlyLordDom to tie your tits up till theyre purple, stick a ball gag in your mouth, sleep in a cage when hes not fucking you, eat from a dog dish on the floor, be naked at all times - (except for the five inch heels,) and just to throw a little bit of fun into the mix, he'll invite all his beer drinking buddies over on the weekends to bang you and yell at the end - BUKAKKI !!

I promise - she'll be on CM in a heartbeat and find that Master of real quality.

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 2:41:10 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		What's the rub? Only kinky people see D/s as kinky. For the rest of the world it's called "a traditional marriage" or "he wears the pants in the family" or.....

I surely wouldn't refer her to BDSM sites for exactly the same reason I wouldn't shop for a slave here. Exactly as you wrote, when you start with a BDSM mindset, then you need to "keep the kink part out of it". It's way easier just to start with a dominant, vanilla male and go from there.

If you're hoping that by connecting her with self-identified BDSM "masters" you're going to get her a better sampling then I think you need to take a closer look at self-identified BDSM masters.

I'm the kind of guy she probably needs and Carol found me out in the regular world. I've spent some time teaching Carol how to identify similar people in the event that I kick the can. I urge her to look out in the vanilla world.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to bashfulbyte)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 3:17:59 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

I know she is not a prude but she describes herself as a "christian woman" and says "I like sex, I like men" and also, "I don't have affairs, I get married". I don't think she knows she is a submissive and how tell the difference between a good dominant and an abuser because she doesn't know exactly what shes been looking for. I have given her articles like this one: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml which has helped a lot. I am her granddaughter so she doesn't respect my opinions, I have to give her literature. I have attepmted to approach her once after she was crying about the last loser and told her "I think I know the kind of man you need, and that guy made you unhappy because he wasn't it" she then proceeded to insult my intelligence because I am so much younger than her so I dropped it.

I had thought I could help her in this way because before I knew what I was I took up with abusers too; I lost interest in the ones who were good guys but didn't offer the dynamic.. I see her having the same problems and being frustrated for the same reasons as I was before I realized there wasn't anything "wrong" with me, I was just doing it all wrong.


To be honest, if I was your grandma in the way you described, I wouldn't respect you either probably. So she's a Christian woman and she likes men and she likes sex. This somehow makes her submissive? It sounds to me that she's just very old fashioned. She believes in meeting a man and getting married just like it was done in the old days.

She just doesn't understand that it's no longer the old days and most men these days are not gentlemen. Ask her to do more work at her church, do volunteer work there, join church groups. I'm betting she'll meet a man there that is the type that works for her.

As for you, I think you're butting into her life too much. Again, if I was her, I'd tell you to leave my life to me and if you tried to bring it up again, I'd shut you up before you even started talking.

Ya know, my mom is 73 years old. She's been married twice and sucks, absolutely sucks at relationships. She dated one guy a few years ago that we all hated. We just told her we didn't think he was good for her and after that we dropped it. She's an adult. She can make her own choices. She's now dating a different man who is eehh...not bad but not great either. But that's the type she seems to go for. Again, we shrug and leave her be. It's her life. If she hasn't learned by the age of 73, she never will. Kinda late to be helping her now lol.

So she calls you. My mom calls me too to complain. I just say, "uh huh..ok, oh yeah? Is that right? Well, don't know what to tell you...leave or stay, yeah...ok, uh huh.....". I don't really give her any advice. She only calls to complain, not for advice. I'm betting your grandma does the same thing. She doesn't want your advice. She just wants to complain and rant to someone and you happen to be the one who picks up the phone.


< Message edited by littlewonder -- 7/3/2012 3:24:08 PM >

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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 3:27:34 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

and recommend that she allow you to do her on-line work.


This is a horrible idea if you read the op's own problems with her own love life. Again, if I was her grandma and see the troubles she has in her own love life, why the hell would I want her making choices for mine?? I'd be scared shitless.


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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 3:37:57 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline 		FR-

bashfulbyte, I don't think introducing your grandma to BDSM is the way to go. what's she's experiencing isn't unusual - I've seen my mom, as well as the mothers of my friends, go through the same thing. The fact is, dating for older women can and often does suck, esp since the men die off sooner, and the good ones really are usually taken.

I saw my mom overlook things she normally wouldn't have accepted, and then finally resign herself to being alone rather than keep trying.

There's no real good answer for what to do. You can't attempt to screen her potential suitors, but you can try your best to be in her life and discuss with her he things you observe about the men, good or bad. And get her a better email email filter!


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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 3:42:04 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

She doesn't want your advice. She just wants to complain and rant to someone and you happen to be the one who picks up the phone.


Good point. I like to problem solve but I know women especially often just want to vent so I will ask the complainers if they want me to just listen or to problem solve.

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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 5:00:55 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

I believe she needs this type of relationship. She is actively looking for "taken in hand". I worry about her because she falls for those nigerian scammers and gets too invested in men who don't deserve her. The last one IMO was a bum, user and abuser. She stuck with him for so long because he was dominant, controlling and criticized her, but it was the wrong kind because he could not even control himself and the wrong motives were behind it.

The type of man she wants and needs, I believe is a Master. She wants to be subservient to a man that cherishes her, and can get into her head in a good way. I don't think she has ever heard of D/s or is aware there is a whole subculture centered around it. I would like some resources or literature I could show her and keep the kink part out of it. I think if I started with some actual terminology and she went and googled it and saw some of the physical stuff that ties in, she would be completely closed off to the mental ideas thereafter even though they are the same as her own.



Your Grandma......

Okay, here's my advice. After reading your post, it's clear, your Gramma truly does need a dominant man in her life.

Go see her this Sunday, walk right in (4:00 a.m.....trust me, she'll be awake)....don't knock....just charge right in and say "GRAMMA!!!!! I want some Toll House cookies and I ain't fucking waiting around for your BULLSHIT excuses!!!!!"

Then....when they come out of the oven, all fresh and hot....pick up the entire plate that she lovingly made for her baby....throw the entire plate full directly at her head and after she regains her composure say the following "BITCH!!!!....if I wanted shit, I'd go down the hall and take a crap in my own damned hand! Now get the fuck back in the kitchen and don't come back until you get it right!!!!"

(I'm here to help).

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 7/3/2012 5:11:50 PM >

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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 6:20:43 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

I believe she needs this type of relationship. She is actively looking for "taken in hand". I worry about her because she falls for those nigerian scammers and gets too invested in men who don't deserve her. The last one IMO was a bum, user and abuser. She stuck with him for so long because he was dominant, controlling and criticized her, but it was the wrong kind because he could not even control himself and the wrong motives were behind it.

The type of man she wants and needs, I believe is a Master. She wants to be subservient to a man that cherishes her, and can get into her head in a good way. I don't think she has ever heard of D/s or is aware there is a whole subculture centered around it. I would like some resources or literature I could show her and keep the kink part out of it. I think if I started with some actual terminology and she went and googled it and saw some of the physical stuff that ties in, she would be completely closed off to the mental ideas thereafter even though they are the same as her own.


My parents are celebrating their 47th anniversary today. They are very much "taken in hand". My Mom is definitely the caretaker and my Dad is 100 percent in charge. He is also respectful, kind and loving. Their relationship has nothing to do with D/s as you are thinking and if I mentioned this to my mother she'd be horrified. Just because your grandmother wants an old fashioned man in charge relationship does NOT mean she wants a typical D/s one. The "physical stuff" as you say is not part and parcel of a male led loving relationship for a lot of couples.

_____________________________

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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 7:57:00 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

I believe she needs this type of relationship. She is actively looking for "taken in hand". I worry about her because she falls for those nigerian scammers and gets too invested in men who don't deserve her. The last one IMO was a bum, user and abuser. She stuck with him for so long because he was dominant, controlling and criticized her, but it was the wrong kind because he could not even control himself and the wrong motives were behind it.

The type of man she wants and needs, I believe is a Master. She wants to be subservient to a man that cherishes her, and can get into her head in a good way. I don't think she has ever heard of D/s or is aware there is a whole subculture centered around it. I would like some resources or literature I could show her and keep the kink part out of it. I think if I started with some actual terminology and she went and googled it and saw some of the physical stuff that ties in, she would be completely closed off to the mental ideas thereafter even though they are the same as her own.


As others have said, it sounds like she simply needs to make better choices in men, but I don't think those choices need to be made through a dominant-submissive lens.

(in reply to bashfulbyte)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 8:42:53 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		Comments from a sub; a therapist; and one who found her dominant/husband here: It is very difficult, in our culture, at this time, for a woman to embrace being submissive in a relationship. (I know not all subs are female, but I am speaking from my perspective, and about Granny). If a woman wants a dominant man who is healthy, first she has to identify that she a. has submissive needs b. needs a dominant - not domineering- man. c. define what is healthy for her. These conclusions are difficult to arrive at; and once one does, where should granny go to find a suitable partner? if she goes to vanilla sites, she will be disappointed. Even Christian sites may disappoint her, as Christian men are not a. necessarily taught to lead appropriately; b. are not necessarily clear about the difference between leading/dominating versus being dominating and over controlling. So, I empathize with Granny because she has a dilemma. And, I understand why and how the OP drew the conclusions she did. Because: this writer was looking for a D/s relationship, not necessarily kink, and she did not know where to go find it. Takeninhand.com was a jumping off point - but is a lot of spanking for any possible reason, it is mostly a CP site. So I wound up here, and was unsure. Back to Granny: I agree she needs to have a solid list of criteria for what she needs in a partner and what is healthy, and may need professional help with that. However, good luck to her finding a therapist who wont try to argue that Granny needs an "equal partner"; good luck to granny finding a therapist who even knows what D/s is. I second Lady Pact in her comments about ageism and assumptions; some of you young people think you have the market on love, sexuality and relationships.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/3/2012 10:39:04 PM   
Ishtarr


Posts: 1130
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
I've spent some time teaching Carol how to identify similar people in the event that I kick the can. I urge her to look out in the vanilla world.


I really hope you offer that lesson plan to students you are not married to if I'd ever come to need it again...

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RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/4/2012 12:55:45 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Using fast reply.

Honey, get your nose out of your Granny's life and accept the fact that she's probably smarter than you give her credit for. According to another thread that I was just reading, D/s hasn't been the end all, be all for you, either.

There are a few of us Grandmas here. Don't discount us because we happen to have grandchildren.




Ever hear that old saying, "Don't try to teach your Granny how to suck eggs?"

I like LadyP's response much better than my own.


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/4/2012 2:52:56 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

What's the rub? Only kinky people see D/s as kinky. For the rest of the world it's called "a traditional marriage" or "he wears the pants in the family" or.....

I surely wouldn't refer her to BDSM sites for exactly the same reason I wouldn't shop for a slave here. Exactly as you wrote, when you start with a BDSM mindset, then you need to "keep the kink part out of it". It's way easier just to start with a dominant, vanilla male and go from there.

If you're hoping that by connecting her with self-identified BDSM "masters" you're going to get her a better sampling then I think you need to take a closer look at self-identified BDSM masters.

I'm the kind of guy she probably needs and Carol found me out in the regular world. I've spent some time teaching Carol how to identify similar people in the event that I kick the can. I urge her to look out in the vanilla world.



Yep here in rural missouri no one sees our D/s relationship as odd. Many vanilla couples have their husbands wear the pants in the family. I never have to hide it, Now the kinky stuff I do not talk about. ; )

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/4/2012 6:59:52 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulbyte

I know she is not a prude but she describes herself as a "christian woman" and says "I like sex, I like men" and also, "I don't have affairs, I get married". I don't think she knows she is a submissive and how tell the difference between a good dominant and an abuser because she doesn't know exactly what shes been looking for.

How does being a christian woman who likes men and sex make her submissive? I don't get where you got that connection from. Even though I'm not christian, I've read the Bible before and I still don't get it. I know lots of christian gals who are not subs. Don't try to push your kink on your Granny.
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
[color=#660099Honey, get your nose out of your Granny's life and accept the fact that she's probably smarter than you give her credit for.

I totally agree with this. ^^^^

NBMG

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Profile   Post #: 40
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