RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/4/2012 7:26:30 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

I think you might be someone who could really benefit from some education in Codependency.

Whether it be through counseling yourself, meetings or books.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependents-Guide-Twelve-Melody-Beattie/dp/0671762273/ref=la_B00455LE2E_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1341455055&sr=1-5

Don't let the 12 step-talk scare you; it is very readable.
Also: http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to bashfulbyte)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/5/2012 5:14:14 AM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

Angelika, I think that is a really unfair comment. Women are sociailized all over the world to take care of others, to not put their needs first, to be involved in others' needs. Then we do what we have been taught and we are labelled "co-dependent". A lot of the vanilla world could label the needs of a submissive as "co-dependent". I dont think that word applies here. Co dependence is what might describe the partner of an alcoholic who makes excuses for the alcoholic, covers for the alcoholic, is in active denial of a problem. I dont think the OP fits that label, any more than I think that label fits me because I "need" to center my life around my husband/dominant.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/5/2012 6:20:10 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

and recommend that she allow you to do her on-line work.

This is a horrible idea if you read the op's own problems with her own love life. Again, if I was her grandma and see the troubles she has in her own love life, why the hell would I want her making choices for mine?? I'd be scared shitless.

Actually, I meant doing things like paying bills on-line. I assumed that her grand-daughter is better than her at all of the computer stuff. So allowing her to help with that might not be a bad idea (particularly if her grandmother still falls for Nigerian phishing scams).

But I agree with you that she shouldn't let her grand-daughter anywhere near her love life.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/5/2012 8:23:50 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

O'k...........Story Time.....

I was at a demo party where we had rented a banquet room at a local Holiday Inn (it was where we had our munches as well.)

There was an 80 year old's birthday in the room next door so I was playing door guard to avoid freaking out the vanillas when then very well dressed lady in her 70's walked to our door.

Mutt: "The birthday party is in the next room ma'am."

Lady: "YOUNG MAN!!!! Is this the BDSM demo?"

Mutt: "uhhhh, uhhhh....."

Lady: "I will get going in here."

She even gave me a good paddling later that evening. :D

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/5/2012 8:24:19 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

and recommend that she allow you to do her on-line work.

This is a horrible idea if you read the op's own problems with her own love life. Again, if I was her grandma and see the troubles she has in her own love life, why the hell would I want her making choices for mine?? I'd be scared shitless.

Actually, I meant doing things like paying bills on-line. I assumed that her grand-daughter is better than her at all of the computer stuff. So allowing her to help with that might not be a bad idea (particularly if her grandmother still falls for Nigerian phishing scams).

But I agree with you that she shouldn't let her grand-daughter anywhere near her love life.

Ah ok. Got it. Now that i agree with. I do that kind of stuff for my mom. If it wasn't for my sisters and I paying her bills for her and reading her mail to make sure she understands it, she'd be in complete trouble.

I'm afraid though that being the op is very young, even she may not know how to balance a checkbook or pay bills or anything like that. Many young people today don't because schools no longer teach them that kind of stuff. I had to show my daughter how to write a check when she bought her first car. I remember sitting in the car place's office and she whispered to me "mom....how do I write a check?" lol. I couldn't help but laugh. She was 19 at the time. I also had to show her how to pay bills and such when she got her own place. So while I think it's a great idea, I just hope she's able to actually help her grandma with such things.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/5/2012 11:15:18 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Angelika, I think that is a really unfair comment. Women are sociailized all over the world to take care of others, to not put their needs first, to be involved in others' needs. Then we do what we have been taught and we are labelled "co-dependent". A lot of the vanilla world could label the needs of a submissive as "co-dependent". I dont think that word applies here. Co dependence is what might describe the partner of an alcoholic who makes excuses for the alcoholic, covers for the alcoholic, is in active denial of a problem. I dont think the OP fits that label, any more than I think that label fits me because I "need" to center my life around my husband/dominant.

First, being codependent is not some kind of indictment.
I don't know whether alcoholism was a part of the OP's upbringing, I have no idea about that.
Being involved with an alcoholic is just one of many dysfunctional patterns that can lead someone into being codependent.

I do know that there is a difference between the caregiver role we are often socialised into and feeling an anxiety driven compulsion to fix.
However, I am not basing this line of thinking from solely this thread.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/6/2012 1:53:51 AM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

The drug and alcohol treatment folks coined the term, that is why I used it as an example. From there, it became more widespread to encompass emotional enmeshment, to the point of neglecting one's own self care or well being. I dont see this as applicable to the OP who seems to want to help her grandmother make better choices in her personal life. It may have not been intended as an indictment, but I have certainly seen it used that way; as I said, as a means of rubbing women's faces in the very training and socialization that we have historically experienced, and which is often simply being caring of others. Being compulsion driven to "fix" is often the result of "early childhood training", where a child is confronted with circumstances totally outside of his or her control but still struggles to try to achieve a modicum of control That child will grow up with "what is the problem and how can I fix it" being relatively hard wired.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/6/2012 2:25:11 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

Your so right she does not need D/S she needs therapy as to why she is picking the "wrong men"?

mons

(in reply to kitkat105)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/6/2012 6:45:39 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

I think the main point here is that the OP really is so clueless as to what her grandmother really needs and that jumping to the ridiculous conclusion that becoming a slave or a sub would be right for her is just beyond ignorance, especially when considering the OP herself is unable to deal with her own personal relationships concerning BDSM.

The bottom line is that granny isn't looking for her granddaughter to "fix" her relationship problems, and doesn't respect her opinion for reasons the OP has made obvious in her post.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/6/2012 11:30:25 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I think the main point here is that the OP really is so clueless as to what her grandmother really needs and that jumping to the ridiculous conclusion that becoming a slave or a sub would be right for her is just beyond ignorance, especially when considering the OP herself is unable to deal with her own personal relationships concerning BDSM.

The bottom line is that granny isn't looking for her granddaughter to "fix" her relationship problems, and doesn't respect her opinion for reasons the OP has made obvious in her post.

That's the thing: once a boundary has been made or a thanks but no thanks has been given to then try and fix the [romantic] life of another adult when the person is having substantial difficulty him/herself is a pretty good indicator that there is a problem.

That when the OP is having a relating based issue and instead of tending to that, is trying to fix someone else's mess, is a pretty red flag to me.

It took me a long time to learn that my anxiety based worry type of focusing was codependency in disguise.
And really that is all codependency is: trying to take care of other people's needs instead of tending to one's own.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/6/2012 3:07:45 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

Taking care of others' needs and not my own? Unheard of, LOL!

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? - 7/6/2012 3:14:28 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
And really that is all codependency is: trying to take care of other people's needs instead of tending to one's own.

I'm pretty sure in the clinical sense you'd have to include "when such behavior is detrimental"

Honestly, I don't spend much time tending to my needs. I figure that's Carol's job. I'm too busy worrying about her needs.

As near as I can tell, the only dividing line between interdependent and codependent is whether it's working out or not.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Profile

Post #: 52