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Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:01:35 PM   
littleone14


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline 		I have to add this to my original email because I think I'm being misunderstood. Thank you all for your responses, but please understand my question isn't how to I deal with what just happened with this one guy. I am asking how to deal this process, which is very soul baring and difficult for me. I opened up for the first time in my life about this, and with the first one going wrong realized I had opened myself up too much. Please respond on how I can keep that from happening in the future. Thanks!!! =)



Hi all,

I'm hoping to get some feedback from the more experienced. I just signed up to this site last week. I'm just exploring who I am, what I want, where I want to go with all this.

I actually joined because I was browsing the site and came across a profile that spoke to me and I wanted to email him. I did, we hit it off, emailed a few days and met Friday morning. We had coffee in a very public place, but even there, his voice, touch, look brought me to a space within myself that I knew existed, but have never truly experienced. It was amazing, and I couldn't wait to meet with him again, and we had plans for next week.

Got an email this morning from him apologizing for the timing, but someone he's had an open relationship with for over a year asked him last night to make it exclusive. He did call me, and we talked, but his apology sounded hollow. To him, it was one meeting with me, therefore no big deal. But to me, to actually open up to someone regarding being a sub was a huge act of courage and trust and soul baring. I feel violated. He asked me never to contact him again, which makes me feel like garbage.

I did befriend someone else on the site, and he's been a support, but I'm hoping for other people's wisdom. I'm scared now to go thru the process of finding someone. I don't know how to process this. Can anyone help?



< Message edited by littleone14 -- 7/8/2012 2:44:16 PM >
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:12:49 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		Now that would be a definite downer to be into someone and have it shut down so quickly. Im sorry it happened to you.

Try not to feel violated, he did talk to you and respected you enough to explain to you what was up. So many times you hear how someone was stood up, or the dom just disappears, or lied about various things. I really don't have any advice other then be patient, be careful, selective and don't taint your future by this one experience. More Amazing might be right around the corner.

(in reply to littleone14)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:20:59 PM   
Dresproperty


Posts: 202
Joined: 6/30/2012
Status: offline 		I'm sorry that happened to you :(

You did state you did open up to someone about being a sub which was a huge step for you. Take that as growth in your comfort in being open about that part of yourself.

It stinks he cut off all conact with you~ for me what helps is to allow myself to grieve over the loss of any type of relationship, then I take what I learned and move on.

I hope you feel better about what happened soon and you will be able to continue on your path as a sub without too many road bumps.

_____________________________

-Bella

Being a slave isnt what I do its who I am.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:23:43 PM   
littleone14


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks for the input. I agree that it is nice he talked to me, but it felt cold and a bit mean. Like he expected me to be all hunky dory (sp?) about the whole thing since he was willing to call, and was pissed that I wasn't.

I don't want to feel violated, and I don't want to carry this into my next experience. But this whole process is so soul baring. Much more so than regular dating. How do I not set myself up for this next time???

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:23:44 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with chatterbox, don't let this first experience get you down. Be a little more guarded about who you open up to, at least until you are beyond your first date.
Put this experience behind you now and move forward. The BDSM journey has its occasional pit falls but all in all its a good one.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:27:54 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'm sorry you feel wounded, but I think he handled this and himself far better than many around here would. Based on a few days conversation and some feelings, you feel violated and afraid to move on with anyone else? How many times have women lied to themselves, caught up in a moment of sensation and have projected themselves into something that really isn't? Love at first sight... love the first week... Never felt like this before?

He didn't violate you, but you may have violated yourself.

Women really need to start taking responsibility for themselves and stop blaming men for things they took part in, not turning out the way they want them to. Some men are real dogs... but that doesn't mean the women aren't panting their way right into a dogs path. (How many dog men... call and give a reason for what they are doing?)

< Message edited by Lockit -- 7/8/2012 2:34:15 PM >

_____________________________

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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:30:35 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Okay - your 43 and new to the internet dating thing. (Im assuming.) Im sensing a bit of subfrenzy here -

Question - did you two do a pic/quick verify cam exchange before you met? Did you have any phone conversations before you met?

If you didnt - youre going to be walking into a situation that has the potential to be very raw. It can be shocking. There is a HUGE difference between just messaging back and forth - talking on the phone - and the actual meeting. He may just of decided that you were not compatible or just not what he was looking for. Im thinking that he may of just gave you some lame ass excuse - because for whatever reason, it just wasnt working for him.

Either that or hes married. -

It takes a while before you know someone to the point where you can start to sort out whether the person your dealing with has integrity or not. Theres a lot of people out there that arnt honest about their intentions, but will say or do anything to get to the end result, which is getting their groove on.

Until you meet this persons friends or family to confirm they are who they say they really are - you dont know anything except what theyre telling you. Some of these people are REALLY good at manipulation and playing the con game. Just take things really slow - unless you are planning on not getting attached and just want to jump in and out. I dont know you, so I dont know what youre looking for - and your profile is blank.

Just be careful - theres a lot of creepy guys (and girls) out there.

And as far as this guy goes - fuck him. If what I suspect is true, youre better off without him, and its better to know that now, than later. Theres a million guys out there - just give yourself a chance, It'll happen - if you take it slow and think things through.


< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/8/2012 2:59:21 PM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to littleone14)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:32:36 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		He did the best thing, he was honest with you. You could ask for nothing more and you actually should see this as a best case scenario not a worst.
Would you rather he played you on the side? Refused to call back? Blocked you on the website?

You came from a first time meeting with expectations that exceeded what he was prepared to invest, and while it stinks, it's really not something to feel badly about. Go forward bright eye'd and hopeful as ever, meeting people is fun, and should never be approached with apprehension, just don't set your expectations of them right away, then you won't be let down when things don't go exactly as you want them to.

(in reply to littleone14)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:33:02 PM   
littleone14


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline 		@Lockit - It was more the fact that this is the first time I've ever opened up to anyone in my life about this that makes me feel violated. I totally understand what you are saying that I violated myself, and that's why I'm here asking the question how not to let that happen.......

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:33:56 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		OK, I'll try to help.

You're experience wasn't "horrible". Or if it was, you were the one who made it that way. What happened is that you got WAY DEEP into connection WAY before such a thing was appropriate. His viewpoint is correct. You two met once. Yet you feel "violated" that he doesn't want to meet a second time? I'd urge you to just take a deep breath and look at that... it's not stable.

Don't get me wrong... I understand it was your big coming out debut. I understand it was laden with emotional significance for you. But seriously, you cannot place such a load on every single guy you drink a cup of coffee with. You need to get a grip on yourself and realize that just like finding any good relationship, it's going to take time and a meeting is just a meeting.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littleone14)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:33:59 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

Hi all,

I'm hoping to get some feedback from the more experienced. I just signed up to this site last week. I'm just exploring who I am, what I want, where I want to go with all this.

I actually joined because I was browsing the site and came across a profile that spoke to me and I wanted to email him. I did, we hit it off, emailed a few days and met Friday morning. We had coffee in a very public place, but even there, his voice, touch, look brought me to a space within myself that I knew existed, but have never truly experienced. It was amazing, and I couldn't wait to meet with him again, and we had plans for next week.

Got an email this morning from him apologizing for the timing, but someone he's had an open relationship with for over a year asked him last night to make it exclusive. He did call me, and we talked, but his apology sounded hollow. To him, it was one meeting with me, therefore no big deal. But to me, to actually open up to someone regarding being a sub was a huge act of courage and trust and soul baring. I feel violated. He asked me never to contact him again, which makes me feel like garbage.

I did befriend someone else on the site, and he's been a support, but I'm hoping for other people's wisdom. I'm scared now to go thru the process of finding someone. I don't know how to process this. Can anyone help?




First, journaling is a good tool for processing things for many people.

I know how exciting it is to find someone you connect with or at least think you do.

But the thing is: this may have already become a serious a relationship to you with a capital R, but to him, very obviously it was not.
A big clue (and I may be wrong): but it doesn't sound like he discussed the fact that he was already involved with someone else with you during your meeting.

Next time, do not become so emotionally invested quite so quickly. Despite your seemingly strong or close connection, he was still basically a stranger to you.
Take your time getting to know someone before you trust heart and soul to them.

I am sorry for your pain.

Also, you might want to take a glance at information regarding Sub-Frenzy.

http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/sub_frenzies.htm
http://safesubcenter.blogspot.com/2005/06/sub-frenzy.html



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to littleone14)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:38:03 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14



Got an email this morning from him apologizing for the timing, but someone he's had an open relationship with for over a year asked him last night to make it exclusive. He did call me, and we talked, but his apology sounded hollow.
He was probably uncomfortable. Even when we know it's the right thing, it's still awkward. But, let's at least give him points for calling rather than just doing the disappearing act.

quote:

To him, it was one meeting with me, therefore no big deal. But to me, to actually open up to someone regarding being a sub was a huge act of courage and trust and soul baring. I feel violated.
I can understand that the first person who you tell and gets you to a point where it seems possible has a little glow about them. It's kind of like your first pair of high heels that marked that transition. Honestly, you got a little too attached and probably put too rosy a glow on it...but that's part of the rush of being new. (There's a reason why the term "sub frenzy" exists.) As you meet more people and gain more experience, you'll become more confident about the role you've chosen and rely less on others for that feeling. Trust me there will be someone else that makes you feel that thrill.

quote:

He asked me never to contact him again, which makes me feel like garbage.
Take a step back. This most likely came from her, not him. I'm also willing to bet that you were the catalyst for the demand of exclusivity. This is her insecurity speaking and it has nothing to do with you.

quote:

I did befriend someone else on the site, and he's been a support, but I'm hoping for other people's wisdom. I'm scared now to go thru the process of finding someone. I don't know how to process this. Can anyone help?


I don't know where you are in Oregon. But, I would seriously suggest finding yourself an experienced female submissive to be your mentor. She can help guide you through the community and give you insight into what her transitions were.

Please don't give up because of one guy.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:38:34 PM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline 		If you're having that great of a reaction after one meeting, my thought is that you are nowhere near ready to get involved in a D/s type relationship. When I first read the thread title, I thought the "horrible first time experience" was having him do something to you without your consent. Having a guy turn you down sucks, but seriously, this is nothing to get worked up over. Sheesh.

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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:39:27 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		Doms can be very direct and matter of fact. Not alot of candy coating, so if you aren't used to it, it seems so final and hurtful. If you invested alot of time in talking and learning, and then have this door close so fast, of course you would feel disappointment. Guard your heart.

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:43:57 PM   
ClassIsInSession


Posts: 305
Joined: 7/26/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I understand it was laden with emotional significance for you.


This is probably the most profound thing said here, and all has been good advice.

Plainly, you attached significance to your intimating your desires for this sort of relationship. With that significance came expectations that you had as well. I'm curious to know if you communicated those expectations before meeting this person? Do you feel it fair to have the magnitude of expectations that you've clearly attached with such a new and fresh acquaintance?

How quickly do you generally get serious in a "vanilla" relationship? Because it sounds very much to me like you have some codependency issues that it would greatly benefit you to resolve before becoming involved with anyone.

It's important to keep the proper perspective on each step of meeting someone and not to allow yourself to get sucked into the fantasy constructs your mind and heart will create. No one is going to be a solution to any "emptiness" you feel in yourself. And in truth, it sounds to me like you've got a whole life planned with someone you haven't really gotten to know yet.

Be realistic in your expectations and you'll find yourself in a much more healthy and stronger position.

Best of luck.

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 2:57:52 PM   
littleone14


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone, but again, I don't think it was a horrible experience because some guy doesn't want to see me again. I'm feeling that way because I opened myself up in a way I never have in my life, and I realize it was waaaaayyyyy too much because it made me very vulnerable. I wouldn't have felt this way after one meeting if I hadn't. I just really am looking for advice on how not to open up so much to someone in this type of situation since I'm so new to this.....

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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 3:06:03 PM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline
quote:

I don't want to feel violated, and I don't want to carry this into my next experience
So don't. Gads, come on!

quote:

But this whole process is so soul baring. Much more so than regular dating.
Not so at all. I don't soul bare in the first few emails, or the first few phone calls. Even after a meeting, I still have an air of mystery to me. Keep it simple.


Actually I agree with everyone here. Most guys just quit contact, block your phone number, block your emails and move on leaving you wondering what the heck happened. Also it's extremely rare that you will find the ONE that quickly. Many have been here months and have yet to make it to a first meeting.

I have to ask though, were you aware of the open relationship? If so how did you feel about it? If not, weren't you sort of wondering why he kept that from you?


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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 3:08:30 PM   
ShyCheshire


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/13/2012
Status: offline 		I'm sorry you had that kind of experience. I did too. It sucks, there's no doubt about it. You feel vulnerable because you are opening up to someone. But something that I took away from that experience was that I can do it. I can talk to somebody else about what I want/ need in my life, my relationships, etc. Your first doesn't mean it's your last. Take the time you need to take to think about the situation. It's going to hurt, but there will be a morning (I promise!) when you wake up and you feel okay about it. For me, it's been about learning more, reading up on D/s relationships, gaining knowledge through conversations with others. *hugs* you WILL be okay

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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 3:09:11 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		littleone, how did you get out of the school yard without telling someone a secret that didn't stay a secret or have something between you and a man be personal and forthright?

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... - 7/8/2012 3:10:04 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Its hard to give you advice on this - because no one here knows how, why, and what was said.
I had asked you earlier - did you exchange pics/or cam verify or speak with this guy on the phone prior? Pre-screening will give you some level of protection before you actually make the meeting date. These are things you can do to eliminate rejection before it happens.

I myself ALWAYS do these prior things before I go out meet ANYONE Ive met off the net. And even so, Ive met people and for whatever reason - it wasnt there for me. I just didnt feel it.

More info about this would help everyone to give you tips so you can make sure that this doesnt happen again.


quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

I just really am looking for advice on how not to open up so much to someone in this type of situation since I'm so new to this.....




_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to littleone14)
Profile   Post #: 20
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