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Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 1:15:37 AM   
Bermudadunesdom


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/26/2012
Status: offline 		I always trying to learn more so when I find the partner I'm looking for I can be a good dom. Does anyone have any info or sites that discuss types of doms and advice?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 2:46:54 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		There is a book list for people wanting to read about it, and getting a good perspective. It is in another topic, the list is about 15 books.


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to Bermudadunesdom)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 4:52:51 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'd recommend the Ask a Master and ask a Sub/Slave and General BDSM forums here, and the Ask a Dominant forum on Fetlife. You won't find any lists of hard and fast rules, but you will get give-and-take discussions.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 7:25:15 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		There's BDSM D/s munch in the Palm Desert area. I would suggest getting out and meeting your community. I would also recommend finding yourself a male Dom mentor to shadow.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 8:21:55 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'd try CollarMe. I hear they have some spiffy folk on the forums

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 8:30:18 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

I'd try CollarMe. I hear they have some spiffy folk on the forums


Just watch out for that Kana guy......he's a pervert.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 8:34:35 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

I'd try CollarMe. I hear they have some spiffy folk on the forums


Just watch out for that Kana guy......he's a pervert.


Don't be dissing my Eagle Scout badges now, heya :-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 9:41:28 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bermudadunesdom
I always trying to learn more so when I find the partner I'm looking for I can be a good dom. Does anyone have any info or sites that discuss types of doms and advice?

This is a pretty good site as is Fetlife. The only "Dom training" sites I've seen were all patently hokum in my opinion -- filled to the brim with "internet wisdom". Be aware, the internet is pretty rough to "new doms". It's kind of a no-win. You're going to hear things like:

- If you weren't birthed from the womb with a deep desire to do x then you're not a true dom.
- If you don't already have 20 years experience you're useless
- You cannot learn to be dominant... you either are or you are not.

My advice is ignore such things for the idiocy they are. Post here and elsewhere as you find other sites. Take the posts that resonate with you and try to learn from them. Later, when you get your feet under you a little better, also take the posts that make your hackles go up and try to learn from them also. If you hang here long enough, eventually you'll find some posters that seem to resonate with you. Those are the ones you'd like as "mentors". Private message them.

Drill this into your brain: There is no one true way. There are no rules. There's no right way or wrong way. There is only your way and the way of any potential partners. Don't try to fit yourself to some BDSM label. Rather, take the BDSM labels and fit them to you. Pretty much the moment someone says to you "you're not a true..." you know they are an idiot and can safely ignore anything else they say.

Finally... just a bit of a map for you. In super-broad (and certain to be wrong in the specifics) brushstrokes...

Top/bottom: People who want to get together for some kinky bedroom fun. The Top runs the show within the context of the agreed upon limits and scene and the authority ends at the end of the scene.

Dom/sub: People for whom the authority dynamic extends outside of sexual contexts. How far it extends is highly variable based upon the individual couple.

Master/slave or Owner/property: People for whom the authority dynamic is, to them at least, comprehensive. Again, what "comprehensive" means is unique to each couple but in broad brush strokes you can just assume the Master is running the show throughout most or all of life -- much like the terms "master" and "slave" might imply.

Avoid the idea that there is some sort of hierarchy in that. M/s is not some super form of D/s which is not some better version of Top/bottom. They are all simply different choices and the "best" choice is the one which makes the most smiles for the people involved.

Good luck. Welcome to CM. Enjoy your journey :)

Edited to add:
Oh, and for the love of all that's holy, even if you decide you want to go down the M/s path... do NOT call yourself a "new master" online. I have yet to determine what new masters ARE supposed to call themselves, but apparently a lot of folk think it's presumptuous to use the word "master" at all if you don't have the experience to back it up.


< Message edited by JeffBC -- 7/10/2012 9:44:14 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Bermudadunesdom)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 9:43:40 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I also think that reading what submissives say on the boards and elsewhere would be helpful to someone who is looking to be a better Dominant. Sometimes hearing what your target audience wants and needs is the best strategy.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 12:09:05 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

I'd try CollarMe. I hear they have some spiffy folk on the forums


Spaceman Spiff?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 12:13:52 PM   
Ishtarr


Posts: 1130
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline 		BDSMU to me, is the only good "Dom-training" site I've every seen.

Sadly it's been offline for a while now, but it can still be accessed using waybackmachine: http://web.archive.org/web/20030210062307/http://www.bdsmu.com/page_misc_default.html
The color formatting is a little weird sometimes, but his training guides is what first introduced me to BDSM over a decade ago, and still encompasses what I consider necessary in the type of relationship I feel best in.

< Message edited by Ishtarr -- 7/10/2012 12:16:31 PM >

_____________________________


Du blutest für mein Seelenheil
Ein kleiner Schnitt und du wirst geil
Egal, erlaubt ist, was gefällt

Ich tu' dir weh.
Tut mir nicht Leid!
Das tut dir gut.
Hör wie es schreit!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 1:27:31 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Here's the booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Welcome!

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to Bermudadunesdom)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 2:15:16 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Actually, you're probably close enough to get to some Threshold events. They have lots of demonstrations and discussion groups.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/10/2012 2:42:17 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

I'd try CollarMe. I hear they have some spiffy folk on the forums


Just watch out for that Kana guy......he's a pervert.


Don't be dissing my Eagle Scout badges now, heya :-)

Kana's Eagle Scout Badge






Attachment (1)

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/11/2012 2:01:10 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Ahhh, Snidely, a childhood hero

Wonder how many gals he tied to the RR racks in his illustrious career as a villain.
And wonder how many more gals had the fantasy planted by said deeds

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/11/2012 4:21:55 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bermudadunesdom
I always trying to learn more so when I find the partner I'm looking for I can be a good dom. Does anyone have any info or sites that discuss types of doms and advice?

This is a pretty good site as is Fetlife. The only "Dom training" sites I've seen were all patently hokum in my opinion -- filled to the brim with "internet wisdom". Be aware, the internet is pretty rough to "new doms". It's kind of a no-win. You're going to hear things like:

- If you weren't birthed from the womb with a deep desire to do x then you're not a true dom.
- If you don't already have 20 years experience you're useless
- You cannot learn to be dominant... you either are or you are not.

My advice is ignore such things for the idiocy they are. Post here and elsewhere as you find other sites. Take the posts that resonate with you and try to learn from them. Later, when you get your feet under you a little better, also take the posts that make your hackles go up and try to learn from them also. If you hang here long enough, eventually you'll find some posters that seem to resonate with you. Those are the ones you'd like as "mentors". Private message them.

Drill this into your brain: There is no one true way. There are no rules. There's no right way or wrong way. There is only your way and the way of any potential partners. Don't try to fit yourself to some BDSM label. Rather, take the BDSM labels and fit them to you. Pretty much the moment someone says to you "you're not a true..." you know they are an idiot and can safely ignore anything else they say.

Finally... just a bit of a map for you. In super-broad (and certain to be wrong in the specifics) brushstrokes...

Top/bottom: People who want to get together for some kinky bedroom fun. The Top runs the show within the context of the agreed upon limits and scene and the authority ends at the end of the scene.

Dom/sub: People for whom the authority dynamic extends outside of sexual contexts. How far it extends is highly variable based upon the individual couple.

Master/slave or Owner/property: People for whom the authority dynamic is, to them at least, comprehensive. Again, what "comprehensive" means is unique to each couple but in broad brush strokes you can just assume the Master is running the show throughout most or all of life -- much like the terms "master" and "slave" might imply.

Avoid the idea that there is some sort of hierarchy in that. M/s is not some super form of D/s which is not some better version of Top/bottom. They are all simply different choices and the "best" choice is the one which makes the most smiles for the people involved.

Good luck. Welcome to CM. Enjoy your journey :)

Edited to add:
Oh, and for the love of all that's holy, even if you decide you want to go down the M/s path... do NOT call yourself a "new master" online. I have yet to determine what new masters ARE supposed to call themselves, but apparently a lot of folk think it's presumptuous to use the word "master" at all if you don't have the experience to back it up.



Nice job Jeff, +1 from me



_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/11/2012 7:18:08 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Ahhh, Snidely, a childhood hero

Wonder how many gals he tied to the RR racks in his illustrious career as a villain.
And wonder how many more gals had the fantasy planted by said deeds


We were at a Threshold party and Lorelei ( a bondage model) was there with her rope guy....they did the whole railroad tracks thing. It was great.

"Sign the deed!"

"I can't sign the deed!!"


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/11/2012 8:14:23 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Oh, and for the love of all that's holy, even if you decide you want to go down the M/s path... do NOT call yourself a "new master" online. I have yet to determine what new masters ARE supposed to call themselves, but apparently a lot of folk think it's presumptuous to use the word "master" at all if you don't have the experience to back it up.


Maybe we should call em Master's in Training-MiT's or perhaps Training Wheel Sirs

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/11/2012 8:27:42 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
Maybe we should call em Master's in Training-MiT's or perhaps Training Wheel Sirs

Based on the responses on that other thread I doubt we could get away with anything involving the word "master"... except perhaps "wannabe master". I'll bet "training wheel sirs" would be suitable for most though.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Sites for new doms - 7/11/2012 8:41:49 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Then steal a page from the corporate world and call em "Sir's in Training"-you know, Sits!

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 20
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