RE: When do you settle?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: When do you settle?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: When do you settle?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: When do you settle? - 7/11/2012 4:48:41 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

I don't see that as settling.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to Delilya)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 5:03:08 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

Hmm.. This question is close to home. I've often
thought if I just stopped breaking up with people
I could find away to care for them eventualy... But
how long do you string a girl along that you have
no feelings for?

I went through a time when I thought my biologic
clock was ticking and seeing all my friends getting
married and having kids just added to it, at that time
I picked a girl that was tiny with massive boobs and
was as submissive as they come and just set about
making her fall in love with me, I thought I could
make the feelings grow in me if I tried.
Turns out no. I lied and acted all out of selfish hope for
my own feelings. Im ashamed and I felt like a monster
telling her in the end. Maybe I am a bit of a monster...

I've been in love before, I just don't know why it's so
hard now. Settleing isn't something I can do...
And Im so tired of causing pain, that's why Im on
a break from relationships. Hopfully I get myself sorted
out.

Most subs/slaves want to be loved by their Doms dont
they? would any of you want to stay knowing when your
partner looked at you, he felt nothing besides sorry that
there was nothing...

-ARIES

Very honest post, nice to see someone bare their soul especially for the board to critique!!!lol.

I was actually on the other side of the spectrum in what you talked about. I required love, and affection, and the connection was just not enough.
Denial of love and affection became a deal breaker. Thats serious settling in my book.
So even though I was very much crazy in love and still am, had a phenomenal connection, it needed to end.
He didnt feel the same. He wanted his definition of Master/slave, and I wanted my definition of Master/slave/lover.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 7/12/2012 5:13:38 AM >

(in reply to ARIES83)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 5:18:44 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Using FR:

It's fairly easy when you are feeling needy and alone to jump into a relationship that is totally wrong for you.

I've done it, and I've paid the price for it, which was being with the wrong person and now having to extricate myself. Which at times is not so easy. I would have left my ex husband much sooner if we did not have children together.

I learned through that relationship a very important lesson, which is that it is far better to be alone then to be with someone who makes you miserable (even if you do have hot monkey sex). And like Greedy, I lied to myself about that relationship -- for YEARS.

When I was younger I had what I would consider interim relationships with people I just wanted to have sex with. I don't consider that settling, as I was honest with them about what I wanted from the relationship. Some people can have fuck buddies or friends with benefits and be good with it. Others can't. To each their own.

These days I don't look for sexual relationships, I look for friendships. I do not expect one person to fulfill all of my sexual, emotional, and friendship needs. That is just silly. That is to me putting such a huge burden on the person.

Thinking you can find a person to do it all, or expecting your partner to do it all, makes for no relationship or poor relationships, JMO.

_____________________________

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 5:21:36 AM

DeviantlyD

Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline

How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him?

_____________________________

ExiledTyrant's groupie. Catering to his ego since May 26, 2007. :D

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 5:51:43 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him?

You don't. You lie to yourself and fantasize that you do.

_____________________________

(in reply to DeviantlyD)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 6:19:16 AM

pyschosubmission

Posts: 1109
Joined: 7/6/2012
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline

Surely this, as with so many other aspects of a relationship, is no different in the kinky world from the vanilla world. If there is not mutual respect, then really there is no relationship

_____________________________

Comedian, kinkster, all round malingerer

Lord Pish of Talkingshite
First Member-At-Large, ProSubs"R"Us

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 6:30:40 AM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

Most subs/slaves want to be loved by their Doms dont
they? would any of you want to stay knowing when your
partner looked at you, he felt nothing besides sorry that
there was nothing...

this is brilliant, IMO.\

it goes both ways.

agreed 100%

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 7:50:37 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him?

You don't. You lie to yourself and fantasize that you do.

One aspect of Our relationship was exceptional, almost psychic type connection. And thats why I said "phenomenal" But other things were so out of wack, it couldnt make up for the lack.

Phenomenal connection but not phenomenal relationship.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 9:31:40 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him?

You don't. You lie to yourself and fantasize that you do.

One aspect of Our relationship was exceptional, almost psychic type connection. And thats why I said "phenomenal" But other things were so out of wack, it couldnt make up for the lack.

Phenomenal connection but not phenomenal relationship.

That almost psychic connection that felt mystical and perhaps even mythic?
It was just that: mythic.

My experience is that that aspect did not exist: particularly since your then dom behaved in dishonorable ways.
It was just a very clever manipulative skill that made it seem that way.

Learning how to be less star struck will help you avoid falling for it in the future.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 10:11:59 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

IM always curious about the way people think about relationships what they settle for, what they dont, what their deal breakers are.

In a relationship if you had it all but one major thing was missing, what would that one major thing be that would end it all?

Rorschach: Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 12:20:43 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Ugh... that's how I view "settling" But YUCK.. people do that? That is kind of pitiful to me, and something I have never done. All the men who have been in my life for a chunk of time were there because I enjoyed spending time with them, maybe more than I enjoy being on my own. It is difficult for me to envision anyone being with someone just because they show a modicum of interest.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl
I look at settling as saying "Well he's better than nothing" and knowing he's all wrong for me.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 12:34:27 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Ugh... that's how I view "settling" But YUCK.. people do that? That is kind of pitiful to me, and something I have never done. All the men who have been in my life for a chunk of time were there because I enjoyed spending time with them, maybe more than I enjoy being on my own. It is difficult for me to envision anyone being with someone just because they show a modicum of interest.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl
I look at settling as saying "Well he's better than nothing" and knowing he's all wrong for me.

People do it all the time!!

I think people fear being alone more than they fear dying. If you have either fear. If you have that desire for children, to "settle down" and do all that proper grown up stuff, then you just do it.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 1:57:14 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

~FR~
Way back as recently as when I was a thirty-something 'nilla girl I settled. No more. Just can't do it. Being single and lonely is not near as bad as being in a bad relationship and lonely. I've experienced both. Right now, though, I'm relatively happy even though I have no actually romantic partner. One needs to develop the ability to be happy alone before they can expect to be happy with someone else. At least that's my way of looking at things. I can't expect someone else to make me happy, I need to do that part myself.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 2:37:36 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Ugh... that's how I view "settling" But YUCK.. people do that? That is kind of pitiful to me, and something I have never done. All the men who have been in my life for a chunk of time were there because I enjoyed spending time with them, maybe more than I enjoy being on my own. It is difficult for me to envision anyone being with someone just because they show a modicum of interest.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl
I look at settling as saying "Well he's better than nothing" and knowing he's all wrong for me.

People do it all the time!!

I think people fear being alone more than they fear dying. If you have either fear. If you have that desire for children, to "settle down" and do all that proper grown up stuff, then you just do it.

Christ on a stick.......I would much MUCH rather be alone than spending time with a person whom I didn't enjoy tremendously.

Then again, I am a rather weird, hermity person.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 7/12/2012 2:38:06 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 3:04:24 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Christ on a stick.......I would much MUCH rather be alone than spending time with a person whom I didn't enjoy tremendously. .

I so absolutely agree!!

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 3:50:33 PM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

When do I settle? I don't. Never have, never will. Simple as that. We have to be completely compatible. He has to be exceptional, remarkable, and I have to be someone he views that way as well. Why would I commit to anything other than what is right for me? This says it about right:

quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX
Either that person is gonna shine like no sun ever did, or Im not touching it.

Also,

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
THats the thing about settling, it rears its ugly head at some point, you can only bury it so long.

No, no it doesn't. That's very cynical and presumptuous of you. Just because you (and others) have had bad experiences with settling or made choices you regret on the subject, doesn't mean everyone will have those same bad experiences or make the same regretful choices. It's not some dreadful inevitability that just is. It's a choice.

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Profile

Post #: 56

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 6:14:33 PM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline

In my life, settling has meant that I knew going in I was going to be unhappy (and then told myself a story about it). I've certainly looked the other way on a lot of flaws in partners, was good with that, and made a decent union for a time. It's the self-imposed delusion aspect that kills you dead in settling.

As to the big no-settle deal breaker, I put it all on pheromones, animal attraction, or whatever they're calling it today. When I have not felt it and settled in with an otherwise nice person, I have always gotten the complete hosing that I deserved. Whenever I pursued anyone past their declaration of no chemistry -well, ditto.

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to Delilya)

Profile

Post #: 57

RE: When do you settle? - 7/12/2012 6:19:50 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

When I have not felt it and settled in with an otherwise nice person, I have always gotten the complete hosing that I deserved. Whenever I pursued anyone past their declaration of no chemistry -well, ditto.

I think I need to paint this in large letters on my living room wall.

(in reply to Salinedion)

Profile

Post #: 58

RE: When do you settle? - 7/13/2012 12:39:03 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Using fast reply on the title alone.

I'll let you know when I actually do settle. Until then, I've got nothing.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Profile

Post #: 59

RE: When do you settle? - 7/13/2012 2:24:19 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

Shit, I guess I have always settled, because I have yet to land Sam Elliot.

I honestly think we all settle in some way or another. Personally I know of no one who has ever met the person they call their prefect match.

I just want someone who makes my life better than it is alone. Until I find that, alone is just fine.

Sam Eliiot as a Dom! My oh my!

Settling sucks big time for the fact that you are lying to yourself, you know and you do it anyway. When it's over, you have only yourself to blame for your own misery.

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

Profile

Post #: 60