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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 11:03:22 AM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Look at it this way, Rick, which kind of relationship do you want? Do you want to have ask permission to hold hands? If the answer is a no, then don't involve yourself with women like that.



No, I don't mind that. I just don't want to look stupid by eithehr crossing a line, or conversely showing so little initiative that she gets anoyed at having to tell me when to do even little things. Trying to figure out the balance.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 11:04:52 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Having a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you've developed intimacy. For example, if it's a new relationship or a casual play relationship, the rules of touching for casual acquaintances might still apply. They do for me. I'm very "touchy" about touching and it takes a fair amount of time and effort to develop the level of intimacy needed for me to be comfortable with touch. However, once it's there, you're golden.

Bottom line: Discuss it with the other person first so you know where her boundaries are.

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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 11:05:21 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		No one starts a d/s relationship full bore out of the gate. You are just two people figuring out if you can stand each other.

Deep breaths, hon. Not too many women will remain silent when they're annoyed.

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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 11:07:23 AM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Rick. You are thinking way, way too much.



Nobody has ever accused me of that before


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Go out and meet women, and men, and just people generally. Get to know them, watch what they do, and don't be afraid to make a mistake.



I don't overthink girls my age, but if I ever do get around to going to one of these "munches), and meet someone I don't want to appear completely clueless as to what a sub is supposd to do. It sounds like most doms don't want to train a rookie completely from scratch.


I do appreciate the advice though.

Cheers

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 11:10:37 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Be yourself. Life is a crapshoot.

Munches are boring as fuck, anyway. You have nothing to worry about.

Just leave the house and do stuff. And come back and tell us what you did, because I admit to being a curious old bat.

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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 11:10:39 AM   
pyschosubmission


Posts: 1109
Joined: 7/6/2012
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline
quote:

I don't want to appear completely clueless


Nothing wrong with being clueless, I live my life in a perpetual state of cluelessness :P

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 11:17:01 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pyschosubmission

quote:

I don't want to appear completely clueless


Nothing wrong with being clueless, I live my life in a perpetual state of cluelessness :P


I seriously doubt that from observing you around here! That or I am rather clueless myself. Your posts are brilliant!

Rick... it all starts and ends with communication with the person involved. Know what page you are each on and you shouldn't have any difficulties. Project the difficulties and you might have some mix ups. Just go fly out there. Stop worrying about it so much. It will be all right!

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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/14/2012 12:50:20 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

if I ever do get around to going to one of these "munches), and meet someone I don't want to appear completely clueless as to what a sub is supposd to do.


If there is any BDSM protocol at munches, it is very very subtle. Just be polite and you will do fine.

After I've had vanilla dates with a man and decide to submit to him, he takes the lead sexually and I just do as instructed.

I'll take more initiative when it comes to service, which manifests as offering service when the relationship is new and then just doing when we're more comfortable with each other and I know how he likes things done. (Actually, men have usually just expressed preferences in how they like their coffee and are boggled that I get off on doing housework (in the context of a submissive relationship; outside that the pleasure is the sense of accomplishment when it's done.))

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/17/2012 11:06:37 PM   
kittycake


Posts: 42
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline 		I think it depends on the boundaries of the relationship, as others have said. If its romantic, or just service based. If you are a domme's boyfriend/girlfriend/partner as well as submissive, it's *probably* more permissible. I'm very touchy feely, and I instigate a lot of affection between myself and dominant partners, but this is something that has always been discussed prior to me attempting it.

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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/21/2012 7:17:54 PM   
Faythless


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/31/2012
Status: offline 		I have to say I'm not very touchy-feely and I would be mortified if one of my subs tried kissing/touching/holding hands. But I agree with the statements that its all a matter of finding out from your Domme and taking it from there as maybe some only need time whereas others just dislike it and may not agree even with them being able to initiate first.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/21/2012 8:01:17 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		I'm touchy feely and love to cuddle and snuggle, so I couldn't be with someone who isn't. Of course this is just me. That's always something I check with a prospective Dom, to make sure we match on that too, along with all the other stuff.

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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/24/2012 1:29:11 PM   
ElsieIsme


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

No one starts a d/s relationship full bore out of the gate. You are just two people figuring out if you can stand each other.

Deep breaths, hon. Not too many women will remain silent when they're annoyed.


My first date with my boy was more vanilla than a truck full of vanilla beans. That's what it was all about. Finding out if I liked his mind, his sense of humour, his ability to make me think/laugh etc, not whether he had permission to touch me or not. He was very respectful, waited for me to make the first move and he was suitably rewarded.

Don't forget that you could meet a vanilla girl who doesn't like PDA's... it is not restricted to the world of D/s but at least we have the advantage of being free to say "this is the rule" but remember... the rule might change tomorrow or next week...

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/24/2012 9:05:29 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

OK, I don't know if this has been addresed; I did try to search it and found nothing so here goes.

Can a sub initiate gestures of affection or is he required to literally wait even for that to be instructed. For example can a;

1: Sub upon entering the residence just go up and give his dom a kiss, hug...etc?

2: If the dom is stresssed, can he just go up and initiate a shourlder rub before being told to do so?

3: Walking along the street can he grab the doms hand to hold hands?

These sorts of things.

I realize every dom is different to an extent, but I just want to hear some insites so as to get a sense of the boundaries.

Is it OK for a sub to show gestures of affection without first being instructed, or is that a huge faux pas? Should he literally do nothing, even in non play/sex situations until told to act?





Like most things in life, you are looking for a rule that doesn't exist.

There isn't a formula. It depends on your relationship, and the personalities of the people involved. Personally, if I am moved to initiate contact, I just do it, and she can tell me if she doesn't like it.

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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/24/2012 9:14:10 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

I ever do get around to going to one of these "munches), and meet someone I don't want to appear completely clueless as to what a sub is supposd to do.

Cheers



A munch is nothing more than a bunch of people getting together, often for a meal. Typically, people don't dress in fetish wear and the conversation can be about any topic you might run into at any other party. They are not usually kinky or erotic.

The only thing you're "supposed" to is be yourself. If you try to put on an act, people see right through it.

As someone else said, munches are often boring. Personally, I don't find that groups of people whose only foundation is a shared interest in BDSM particularly interesting. I'd rather go to a book club.

(in reply to CougarRick)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/24/2012 10:22:18 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		What one lady thinks grand another will think guttural. You are supposed to be looking for the lady who thinks you are grand. Now, for contrast, let's seriously consider what sort of person you would have to be to please everyone.

Ha-ha-ha-haha! Ahem.

Sorry.

Don't try to be that guy.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 7/25/2012 6:10:48 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		It always depends on the person, and oh yes everyone does love to have affection, touching!

But remember look and watch how this person is with you, you will learn when and when not to '
go to certain levels, as time goes on!

As many of the people have said get to know, do not touch someone whom you have just meant!

I wish you luck

mons

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 8/4/2012 7:35:27 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick
Can a sub initiate gestures of affection or is he required to literally wait even for that to be instructed. For example can a;

1: Sub upon entering the residence just go up and give his dom a kiss, hug...etc?

2: If the dom is stresssed, can he just go up and initiate a shourlder rub before being told to do so?

3: Walking along the street can he grab the doms hand to hold hands?

These sorts of things.

I realize every dom is different to an extent, but I just want to hear some insites so as to get a sense of the boundaries.

Every Domme is different. Some like it, some don't. The important thing is take the time to communicate and get to know each other first and then you'll know what her likes and dislikes are. Each dynamic is different with different rules and protocol levels. In some it's allowed and in some not.

My own answers to 1, 2, and 3 are all a big YES. I'm a very affectionate, kissy & huggy person and, I admit touchy feely, so I wouldn't be with someone who isn't. I do like holding hands in public, but the real touchy feely stuff stays private. Where some would be mortified, I found it very erotic when my sub hugged and kissed me right there in the hot kitchen(one of my big loves is cooking) while I was making spaghetti.

NBMG


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RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 8/10/2012 3:33:55 AM   
forcedsensuality


Posts: 70
Joined: 4/27/2012
Status: offline 		Rick,
It's a little bit easier these days, women do initiate stuff more generally. But in this game, ie many but not all d&s relationships, you can rely on her to initiate !! Either way, it takes some pressure off the guy.
And men have always had to be careful when they do initiate stuff, .. some women are prickly or shy or overly-feminist, but just as many others are just relieved you are showing some interest. And in a d&s you're quite likely to get a bit more unambiguous rule-based ideas of what's the score. Ther'll usually be some sort of signal.

Negotiate .. put it out there, what you feel, .. woman like to know what men feel. Sometimes it takes a while for a man to get comfortable sharing feelings, or getting comfortably making himself vulnerable, admit to weakness etc.., admit to feelings of connectedness, .. but women live for this sort of sharing, this sort of talk !!
And part of the fun in the bdsm stuff is being uncomfortable with a woman you want to impress ,.. maybe she wants to see you in discomfort, share in your suffering, see stuff you ordinarily hide.

it's cool, you might end up sharing a larger range of emotions with her, which is liberating really.

Enthusiasm is usually a good thing unless a woman just finds you pesky and isn't interested .. in that case, as long as she's not being coy or shy, just suck it up and move on.
Even if you've been told to worship, kiss shoes, express your awe in her presence, still a bit of genuinely spontaneous flattery usually goes down well .. your male sexual energy is a bountiful animalistic life-force, make her struggle to restrain that energy of yours !!

as long as it's fun, as long as she's fun .. as long as she's got some give and you can tell she likes you and is actually presently surprised she's got you for her sex-plaything

enthusiasm and spontaneity and creativity .. not to be ruled out !! keep pushing !!

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 8/21/2012 4:42:07 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		Ok, a wide range of opinions and plenty of well thought out responses. THank you for your input (everyone), and I will take all this under advisement (and hopefully not fuck up).


(in reply to forcedsensuality)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Unsolicited Gestures of Affection - 8/22/2012 1:20:02 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
And come back and tell us what you did, because I admit to being a curious old bat.



I'll give you all the details. You have my word.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 40
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