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What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 2:13:33 AM   
Cipher15


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/11/2011
Status: offline 		So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues. I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive. It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.

Now my S.O. and sub just confessed to having sex with another girl, without my knowledge or permission, if I had known I would probably be more ok with it than I am right now. She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened but I'm seriously considering ending our relationship, since trust is the most important thing to me and I feel she broke it.

So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?

I know this post may sound a bit stupid to some people, but I hope most can take this at least somewhat seriously.

Thanks very much!
~Cipher
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 2:23:51 AM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		why not just make your own mind up? we can't tell you what do. i know from personal experience that the things we think we will definately do in a given situation arn't always the things we end up doing when they happen.

needles

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 2:30:22 AM   
Thaz


Posts: 617
Joined: 4/28/2012
Status: offline 		^^ This.

Doesnt matter what people tell you, doesnt matter what you think, it matters what you feel.

Talk it out with them if that helps sort out you feelings. Added to which people who get drunk and fall into bed with other people are the sort of bad news that can kill you.

(in reply to needlesandpins)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 2:52:23 AM   
Cipher15


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/11/2011
Status: offline 		Yeah I'm probably going to do whatever feels right when I sit her down and talk with her, I was just wondering what everyones opinion was. Thanks to both of you for your input though!

(in reply to Thaz)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 4:01:02 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		First, welcome to the discussion side of CM, Cipher.

As to what to do, again I concur with the others, only you can know your own mind about this.

I will, however give you the benefit of advice from someone else who has had trust issues and who got screwed (or not).

For me, I do not give trust easily, there is just too much residual baggage from my past. I'm of an age I'm cautious in letting relationships progress past a certain point until I am sure we are both on the same page trust wise. Once I make that leap of faith, as it were, I can and do trust, completely.

Once that trust is abused or broken, I can't put it back together. (Now that's ME.) I have tried to put it back together, tried hard, didn't work. Again, this is ME, it might not be you.

I guess my point is, how hard do you want to? How hard does she want to go about winning your trust back? Can you both deal with the fact she may have broken something that can't be fixed?

How well do you too communicate? Can you communicate to her what you need emotionally to start beginning to trust again? And can and will she communicate her willingness to try?

I suggest a frank talk is in order, followed by a cooling off period so you can both reflect. Then get back together on this issue in a week or two and see if you are of like minds.

Best, CP



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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 4:38:12 AM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

why not just make your own mind up? we can't tell you what do. i know from personal experience that the things we think we will definately do in a given situation arn't always the things we end up doing when they happen.

needles


And then find out are exactly what we should have.

Nobody can fucking tell you what to do, what to think, what to feel, hell, we don't know jack shit about what happened... But I do know, be true to yourself, do what is right for you. Trust is tricky... and in the end personally (and it's just me) is this something that is going to bite you in the ass later, if so...

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 4:40:38 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Well, I know of relationships where cheating ended things and some where it didn't. It really is up to you and how well you think you can put things back together if that's what you're planning on. Do you think she's truly remorseful and not looking to do it again, or will you be looking at everything she does from now on and wondering if she's cheating again? If you can't let go and trust her again, if you'll be wanting to check her phone and pockets, that's no good for either of you.

As for what I'd do, it really depends on the relationship - the depth, the future plans, how much the relationship satisfies me, the character of the person, etc. If the person is extremely valuable to me then I might want to stick in there for a while and see if I can make a go of it again. If not, if he's replaceable, then I'd view it as a chance to move on.

(in reply to Cipher15)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 4:44:13 AM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues. I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive. It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.




Re-read this bit, seems you are trying to define your self in relationships so you don't get hurt, man, I 'll reiterate, look the fuck at your self, know your self...just my 2 cents.

I won't even throw the monkeys in for this, just some honest advice...

(in reply to Cipher15)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 4:57:03 AM   
acquiescentheart


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/17/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.



I find this disturbing. Along with the fact that you enjoy being dominant 'because' you have trust issues. Look at yourself before you find fault in things she's done.

(in reply to Cipher15)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 5:20:08 AM   
ReMakeYou


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline 		It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

(in reply to acquiescentheart)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 5:28:05 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.


I'd have to say the complete opposite because if I'm asking for forgiveness that means I have to live with the knowledge of what I've done that needs to be forgiven. Even if he forgives me - will I forgive myself?
Easier to ask permission.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 5:33:43 AM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues. I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive. It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.

Now my S.O. and sub just confessed to having sex with another girl, without my knowledge or permission, if I had known I would probably be more ok with it than I am right now. She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened but I'm seriously considering ending our relationship, since trust is the most important thing to me and I feel she broke it.

So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?

I know this post may sound a bit stupid to some people, but I hope most can take this at least somewhat seriously.

Thanks very much!
~Cipher



The answer to your specific question is easy. She cheated on you, and she's supposed to be your sub. So, she doesn't respect you and she doesn't obey you. DTMFA.

There is a larger problem here, which others have pointed out. You seem incredibly insecure, and that may be the reason why you keep choosing the wrong people. Chances are that you get into relationships for the wrong reasons. Trying to keep control so you won't get cheated on is not what being a dominant is about.

I say this from experience: a good therapist can change your life.

(in reply to Cipher15)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 5:40:59 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues. I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive. It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.

Now my S.O. and sub just confessed to having sex with another girl, without my knowledge or permission, if I had known I would probably be more ok with it than I am right now. She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened but I'm seriously considering ending our relationship, since trust is the most important thing to me and I feel she broke it.

So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?

I know this post may sound a bit stupid to some people, but I hope most can take this at least somewhat seriously.

Thanks very much!
~Cipher


I really have no idea if you can forgive her, want to forgive her, that's up to you....

Finding something completely different, well, it seems you've done that before again and again, you said almost all of your previous relationships ended with you being screwed over, the only constant in those relationships was you, so maybe you want to address some of your issues before you get involved, because to be honest, a partner who has severe trust issues is a heavy burden on any relationship. Could it be that by over-controlling you pushed the women into a corner and they tried to break out? Just speculating here.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

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(in reply to Cipher15)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 5:43:15 AM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues. I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive. It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.


Here is the thing, you choose to have "trust issues" instead of learning how to navigate relationships and develop a sense of those around you. If you keep getting screwed over it is because you keep allowing the same type of people, who can't be trusted, into your life. It's not other people you don't trust... it's yourself. You don't make good decisions. You allow these people in your life. You haven't developed that sense of when someone is good for you, honest to you, and a positive influence. None of which has anything to do with being a Dominant and quite frankly all of which has the potential to make you a terrible D. Getting pissed, backing off, dumping, etc. are not healthy ways to deal with conflicts. Communication and an understanding of what set the issue into motion are traits of dominant personalities. Passive aggressive bullshit is just that and nothing to strive for. I would, as kindly as possible, recommend that you get some type of counseling or find a way to work on your personal issues before engaging in relationships. If you can't trust yourself to make good decisions you will never, ever be able to trust anyone else.

quote:

Now my S.O. and sub just confessed to having sex with another girl, without my knowledge or permission, if I had known I would probably be more ok with it than I am right now. She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened but I'm seriously considering ending our relationship, since trust is the most important thing to me and I feel she broke it.

So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?

I know this post may sound a bit stupid to some people, but I hope most can take this at least somewhat seriously.

Thanks very much!
~Cipher


Only you know what you can live with. I never give a person a second chance to earn my distrust. Once given, it's lifelong. If you do end it, again, I strongly encourage you to work on you and get into a good place mentally and emotionally before engaging in further relationships.

(in reply to Cipher15)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 5:44:25 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Dude, I doubt that you and I would see eye to eye regarding what being a Dom is. It's not the excuse to kill relationships - it's the desire to be in control and to act responsibly. You've described the situation. Now ask yourself the following questions:

1. What would be best for you here?
2. What would be best for her?
3. What could you as the Dom do, to prevent this from happening again? (I'll give you a hint: I would NEVER allow a sub of mine to get drunk and out of control without me being there.)

You seem to have no issue with her getting drunk in your absence. You also seem to think of this in terms of situations/occurrences rather than relationships.

My take is that, by not having rules for her conduct in your absence, you have contributed to this as much as her. Note that submissives need rules to feel safe and taken care of. I also feel that by looking at this only as a break it off/keep it going choice, you're overlooking some basic questions, such as if she's actually bi or poly-inclined. If so, would a mono relationship fulfill her?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 5:49:59 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Dude, I doubt that you and I would see eye to eye regarding what being a Dom is. It's not the excuse to kill relationships - it's the desire to be in control and to act responsibly. You've described the situation. Now ask yourself the following questions:

1. What would be best for you here?
2. What would be best for her?
3. What could you as the Dom do, to prevent this from happening again? (I'll give you a hint: I would NEVER allow a sub of mine to get drunk and out of control without me being there.)

You seem to have no issue with her getting drunk in your absence. You also seem to think of this in terms of situations/occurrences rather than relationships.

My take is that, by not having rules for her conduct in your absence, you have contributed to this as much as her. Note that submissives need rules to feel safe and taken care of. I also feel that by looking at this only as a break it off/keep it going choice, you're overlooking some basic questions, such as if she's actually bi or poly-inclined. If so, would a mono relationship fulfill her?




Reasons why DS is always going to be on my A list of posters I'd love to meet.


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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 6:13:19 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Dude, I doubt that you and I would see eye to eye regarding what being a Dom is. It's not the excuse to kill relationships - it's the desire to be in control and to act responsibly. You've described the situation. Now ask yourself the following questions:

1. What would be best for you here?
2. What would be best for her?
3. What could you as the Dom do, to prevent this from happening again? (I'll give you a hint: I would NEVER allow a sub of mine to get drunk and out of control without me being there.)

You seem to have no issue with her getting drunk in your absence. You also seem to think of this in terms of situations/occurrences rather than relationships.

My take is that, by not having rules for her conduct in your absence, you have contributed to this as much as her. Note that submissives need rules to feel safe and taken care of. I also feel that by looking at this only as a break it off/keep it going choice, you're overlooking some basic questions, such as if she's actually bi or poly-inclined. If so, would a mono relationship fulfill her?


What excellent points.
Some people can be quite in love and require additional attention too. Maybe she needs that or maybe she isn't quite in love. I think some people go thru life thinking they are monogamous and just havent found the right person, and are just chronic cheaters and damaged in vanilla relationships ( not socially acceptable, told its wrong). When in actuality, they just are wired for more, and wont admit it to themselves. I think exploring that that with her is the dom thing to do. But you seem to have alot of insecurities and dont know yourself enough as a dom to guide and direct with confidence.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 7/14/2012 6:16:07 AM >

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 6:26:59 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I wouldn't feel submissive toward someone who abandons me anytime he is in a bad mood. I doubt she did either. You made it clear you weren't going to ever be able to meet her needs, so she sought to temporarily fulfill them while in a weakened state (alcohol)).

Kid, go get some therapy. Learn how to express yourself without the drama you now engage in. Learn why you provoke people to give up on you and seek solace elsewhere. Learn why you only are attracted to people you can't trust. Own your own shit, it's what any good dominant does and you don't. Trying to dominate out of fear is not dominance and will not attract you a submissive.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 7:26:06 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		My opinion? You chose to lead because you want control due to insecurity issues. That, right there, has to be manifesting a TON of issues in your relationship. You didn't mention them, but they are there.

Your S.O. is the kind of girl who accidentally has sex. You can't seriously expect a monogamous relation with her, right?

Based upon the above two things, I think you should do whatever you want. All of this is going to be learning curve for you at some later point. My reaction to this is going to be a lot different than yours because my life situation is different. Carol is my property not my sub. Carol is also my wife of 15 years not my S.O. There's no real comparison in the two problems.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Cipher15)
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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 7:49:41 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened


Baloney - she's either a liar or she has a drinking problem. Either way, as other posters have said, the one to look at in this relationship is yourself.

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(in reply to Cipher15)
Profile   Post #: 20
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