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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/14/2012 6:42:33 PM

LittleMissChelsi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ClassIsInSession

And to the point of getting your brain to shut down, there is a mind state people get into, athletes, artists, from all walks of life. It is sort of a meditation state, but it happens by being fully engaged in whatever it is you're doing, and typically doing something you love to do. It's basically about being completely focused on the activity so that you are completely in the "Now" and when you reach it, it's a great place to be.

Meditation is often difficult because it doesn't engage the senses and particularly for the western mind, it becomes boring and cumbersome..

Interestingly, I've found that achieving that state works wonders for depression as well.

I had a friend a long time ago who lived a life full of drama and he would get into trouble and bad situations constantly. His excuse was that he was bored. I told him then and I maintain to this day...if you do everything you should be doing there is not time for boredom.

Boredom is generally what leads the mind to wander and obsess on unpleasant things..

The only things that do this for me is swimming, writing, or sculpting. These things keep my mind nd thoughts busy on perfection, endurance or details to perfect my plots but only for so long before my mind floods with the daily stress

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/14/2012 6:46:14 PM

LittleMissChelsi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds

OP why are lower hormone pills dangerous for you?

Because of my PMDD I guess they negatively affect it. She only said with lower hormone pills than what I have (I'm on some kind of triphasal pill with 3 different colors in it not including the sugar pills) will cause problems down the line or cause my symptoms to worsen or cause internal issues. It was a while ago I just remember she was very much against it

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/14/2012 6:51:46 PM

LittleMissChelsi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I had a high sex drive until I had my daughter at the age of 19. After that my sex drive was just never the same.

Now that I'm 40 and my daughter is on her own as an adult I have found that my drive is just a tiny bit higher but still nowhere near what it was when I was a teenager. When I was young I always thought about sex. Now though..not really all that often.

It's just part of getting older imo. Just other things become more important in your life.

Maybe get a checkup with your dr to make sure there's nothing else going on?
Are you stressed? Stress will play a big part in it.
Low self esteem or abuse in your life or other emotional problems? Again, play a big part.

That's the only advice I can give you.

Always stressed, and extreme low self esteem, always have had that though
abuse is not something I've thought of that could affect a sex drive, just other aspects of my life

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/14/2012 6:53:03 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

The best aphrodisiac I've found is a combination of physical attraction, affection, and intellectual/emotional connection. When any/all of these are missing it's no surprise libido plummets or wanes entirely. With that in mind, hold out for someone who fulfills these desires in you and in the meantime, don't worry about it. That only adds to your stress. Good luck.

The combination MDA mentions here is what I've found to be true as well. If I'm not attracted to someone then it's a sign to me that something in the above is missing. I'm wondering if you're really happy with the partner you have. Doesn't seem like it. Maybe assess if it's time to move on?

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/14/2012 6:55:37 PM

LittleMissChelsi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

The best aphrodisiac I've found is a combination of physical attraction, affection, and intellectual/emotional connection. When any/all of these are missing it's no surprise libido plummets or wanes entirely. With that in mind, hold out for someone who fulfills these desires in you and in the meantime, don't worry about it. That only adds to your stress. Good luck.

The combination MDA mentions here is what I've found to be true as well. If I'm not attracted to someone then it's a sign to me that something in the above is missing. I'm wondering if you're really happy with the partner you have. Doesn't seem like it. Maybe assess if it's time to move on?

I don't currently have partner. Everyone I've been under consideration of, soon gets annoyed and tells me I'm a fake blah blah blah useless ect. I know some of those men are fakes who have managed to get ahold of me, but the ones in real time I've had have said very similar things before letting me go

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/14/2012 6:59:36 PM

littlewonder

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I really really think you should talk to a therapist who can help you with the low self esteem and other mental issues. I've been where you are and it's not something easy to overcome by yourself. It took me years to overcome it. I would have men who made me feel like shit which lead me to have pain when we had sex and I couldn't get aroused at all.

Then I met Master. I don't seem to have any problems at all when I am with him because he never makes me feel two inches tall or that it's all my fault or puts me down. He's loving, kind and builds me up.

It may be just that simple for you too....finding a man who can be like that for you. Until then maybe it would be good for you to find a specialist to talk to.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/14/2012 7:50:45 PM

sheisreeds

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A couple of things, since I checked your age, got some different suggestions.

A lot of younger guys have relentless sexual appetites and no sensitivity to how you feel. These guys aren't worth your time if they show up in your life. I still have some scars with sex from insensitive boyfriends when I younger, they weren't abusive but their emotional immaturity combined with my depression was an awful combination. When dealing with low self esteem and depression issues it's particularly important to be very picky about who you're in a relationship with. I had to learn to have my guard up extra high, since depression also made me more prone to be accepting of folks who really weren't worth my time.

If you don't masturbate regularly, you should. Women's bodies in particular are delicate instruments. It's important to know what works for you, and keep your body into it. I find that if I don't masturbate at least once a week, I start losing touch with my libido entirely.

When I was 19 I had pretty bad depression and suspected PMDD. Therapy and figuring myself out was the best medicine for the depression. I was on similar BC as you are now, and it didn't help the symptoms terribly well, and caused a total lack of emotion and libido for me.

Our stories might be different since my "period issues" turned out to likely be something else, though I would verify with your doctor that a low hormone pill is a bad idea, and perhaps even get a second opinion. Not that it's medical advice but here's an article on low hormone pills and PMDD http://women.webmd.com/pms/news/20050831/low-dose-birth-control-pill-treats-severe-pms

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 1:45:06 AM

JanahX

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A-HA! This might be what the problem is. If there is no reward system - then it turns into a lot of work for nothing. From past experience I would get so frustrated from having sex with someone and not understanding why I wasnt getting what everyone else seem to be getting.

Here is a link to what I am referring to ------> http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/orgasmtrouble.htm

maybe this might help. Depression and anxiety are deterrents, but I doubt you feel that way all the time. Most people go in and out of depression. Its usually not a constant state.

But if this - you not getting to sexual peak, this might be the reason why its okay in the beginning, but becomes boring/chore like for you later on. When you DO orgasm with a partner, its that ONE THING that does make you come back for more and more. ( paired with the fact that your partner is not a douchebag and treats you decently)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissChelsi

@janahx sometimes, and sometimes they haven't. (only been with two men) and I myself cannot bring myself to orgasm so on I feel kinda like "what's the point?"

< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/15/2012 1:55:36 AM >

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 2:34:36 AM

WestBaySlave

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While a lot of this ( rightfully so ) has been focused on your health and well-being as it relates to you, as a general aside, perhaps you'd get along best, sexually speaking, with a dominant who didn't require you to enjoy sex?

As strange as this sounds, with a considerable segment of dominant types, you don't need to have a sex drive to please them, as long as you're willing and able to please them sexually. Your interest pleasure and drive isn't particularly important.

I guess it all depends on your attitude, but for me, even though I have a high sex drive, dominant men of this type have always been the kind I get along best with. There is no "performance anxiety", as frankly, I don't always enjoy sex or am in the mood for it, and if it's not about me, I'm not expected to. But given that it's about their pleasure, I don't need to worry about acting excited or not, just about pleasing their desires. and usually, that winds up in me in having the most enjoyable sexual experiences, as being stressed is counterproductive to having a good time.

Finding a dominant with a low sex drive is one solution, but finding a dom to whom your sex drive is irrelevant is also very viable.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 2:49:38 AM

WestBaySlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Carol's is non-existent. For us though, her lack of desire doesn't really stop anything since she's property. And the cool part is that the lack of drive only manifests up front. Once things get going she has a great time.

Not to speculate on something so personal, but perhaps Carol just has a very passive sex drive rather than a non-existent one?

I tend to think of myself as having a very high sex drive in terms of how often I can enjoy sex per day, but I'm also the least likely to initiate person I know. I still remember someone telling me out of the blue "You're so frustrating! You never want sex; you're some kind of holy eunuch!" And being quite taken aback as I'd just assumed sex would happen when he wanted it.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 4:03:23 AM

littlewonder

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quote:

maybe this might help. Depression and anxiety are deterrents, but I doubt you feel that way all the time. Most people go in and out of depression. Its usually not a constant state.

Unless you are diagnosed with clinical depression. If so that never ever ever goes away even with meds. Yeah, you may feel a little better but it never goes away.

If she has clinical depression it will be a constant state for her.

And yeah I've lived with clinical depression since I was young as I can ever remember. It's a constant.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 4:04:33 AM

littlewonder

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quote:

You never want sex; you're some kind of holy eunuch!" And being quite taken aback as I'd just assumed sex would happen when he wanted it.

Heh...you too huh? I've been told that by past partners more times than I can count and always felt exactly the same way as you. It's frustrating to say the least.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 4:14:38 AM

DeviantlyD

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You've been called a eunuch????

*makes notes*

Another suggestive bit of evidence that the littlewonder profile I found could indeed be you.

*eyes littlewonder with suspicion*

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 4:22:37 AM

ProlificNeeds

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Sounds like you just had asshole partners. I've been where you are, stress, over worked, with a dash of depression.
None of my partners left me, or told me I was useless though. We worked through those periods, and I did have upswing moments, just not as often as they wanted.

Some of it however was psychological, I had been low-labido for so long I started being nervous anytime foreplay began, already convinced I would disappoint, and that was guarenteeing that I wouldn't.

You can't fix your natural chemical balance if it's not broken, but you can try a few things.

A) Make sure your metabolism is in a healthy state, meaning lots of exercise, NO crash/fad diets. If you feel sleepy or lazy a lot that's part of the problem.

B) Learn to relax and enjoy sensations. Even if you're not aroused or dripping wet, even if you aren't going to orgasm, be selfish in enjoyment out of every touch, footrub, caress, ect. Learn to relax to the idea of pleasure without expectations. Pressure to be some porn perfect 'needy slut' is just dumb. Self-pleasure with the intention of enjoyment, not orgasm, have long baths, walk around the house naked, do what feels nice in the moment without thoughts of 'what comes next'. Often times I had to do this stuff by myself before I could truely relax again around someone else.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 5:15:52 AM

ARIES83

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissChelsi

Always stressed, and extreme low self esteem, always have had that though
abuse is not something I've thought of that could affect a sex drive, just other aspects of my life

Look Chelsi, there is a lot of good advice here but
as for the extreme low self esteem... You cuter than
a frigan box full of puppies. Don't worry, soon as you
find a guy that makes you forget all your stress and
self esteem stuff, I have no doubt the sex drive will
be fine.

-ARIES

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 6:27:01 AM

pyschosubmission

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quote:

Unless you are diagnosed with clinical depression. If so that never ever ever goes away even with meds

The Doc never told me that tidbit, damn her!

But to bring this post back on topic,

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
Look Chelsi, there is a lot of good advice here but
as for the extreme low self esteem... You cuter than
a frigan box full of puppies. Don't worry, soon as you
find a guy that makes you forget all your stress and
self esteem stuff, I have no doubt the sex drive will
be fine.

^ This.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 7:05:17 AM

sheisreeds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pyschosubmission

quote:

Unless you are diagnosed with clinical depression. If so that never ever ever goes away even with meds

The Doc never told me that tidbit, damn her!

But to bring this post back on topic,

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
Look Chelsi, there is a lot of good advice here but
as for the extreme low self esteem... You cuter than
a frigan box full of puppies. Don't worry, soon as you
find a guy that makes you forget all your stress and
self esteem stuff, I have no doubt the sex drive will
be fine.

^ This.

I'm not sure how littlewonder's comment was off topic. If she does have clinical depression a the right man isn't going to make it better. I DON'T agree that depression can't heal, in many cases it can, and it's just a matter of staying vigilant and maintaining. However, if this poster is accurate in what she is reporting about herself (and I think she is) she has some serious health and mental health issues that could be contributing to her sex drive, as well as her overall well being.

There is this tendency to view depression as something with a quick fix. I credit a lot of people overusing the term, and the public confusing the statement "I'm depressed" with clinical depression. Clinical depression doesn't have a quick fix, it sticks around and eats at you without help. It can also put people in a place where they make decisions that end up reinforcing their low self esteem. Depression holds you back, it cuts off hope, self worth, motivation, and can become completely disabling. I had clinical depression, I don't miss it, and if I don't watch myself daily I could end up in that hole again.

To the OP go back to your OB/Gyn, and get a psychiatrist and a therapist. Get the psychiatrist on the phone with the Gyn and get a comprehensive plan that covers all your needs. If the two docs won't talk or don't listen to you, get new doctors.

A therapist can really help with self esteem and helping you create healthy patterns for yourself.

A red flag for me btw is that you are maintaining exercise, and trying to cope and lower your sense of stress and it isn't working.

If you're getting sunlight and exercise and during or soon afterwards feel like crap again, it's time to talk to a doctor.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 7:27:32 AM

xssve

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Female sex drive tend to peak in the 30's, and womens sex drive in general is more closely tied to their reproductive drives, that my theory anyway, i.e., some part of you associates sex with pregnancy - which means, if you don't want to get pregnant, some you're suppressing your own sex drive - some studies indicate women become more sexual during their fertile period, others suggest that other women avoid sex during this period, cross their legs more, wear restrictive clothing, etc. - kinda depends on culture and personal feelings, i.e., whether getting knocked up is a good thing for you or no, and the risk of pregnancy if it's no.

So first, get that sorted out, if you're ok with oral or anal, you can go that route - semen contains anti-depressants, sex and orgasm release anti-depressant hormones, oxytocin, etc., and other than a route to reproduction, regular sex regulates the endocrine system and relieves stress - the externalities of that, the possibility of pregnancy and/or std's or even social censure can of course increase stress, leaving you hanging between a rock and a hard place, but you gotta break the cycle somewhere.

Figure out what does turn you on, it may be that gritting your teeth and submitting to sex might result in relieving your depression and you'll end up liking it more, contingent on mitigating any other risk factors that might be causing you to hold back, which could include body issues, etc. Your body, your mind, you'll have to figure that out.

It's not an uncommon problem with women unfortunately, and women seem to tolerate periods of celibacy better than men, who literally need to physically ejaculate every three days or so to maintain optimal prostate health, just way we evolved, we have no reason to hold back, there is no risk of pregnancy associated with it, our reproductive costs are negligible, whereas the simple act of coitus is often a life altering act for women.

You can always get good at handjobs, the scent alone, the pheromones released during sexual activity appear to have beneficial health benefits for women, and even mutual masturbation, making out, etc., is healthier for youe immune and endocrine system than abstinence - nature has no use for benchwarmers, and those muscles, mental or physical, that are not used, atrophy eventually.

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 7:36:14 AM

pyschosubmission

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quote:

I'm not sure how littlewonder's comment was off topic.

Apologies, I meant my post. I have a bad habit of going off in a wild tangent

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RE: Uh oh, low. Sex drive? - 7/15/2012 9:45:17 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I don't currently have partner. Everyone I've been under consideration of, soon gets annoyed and tells me I'm a fake blah blah blah useless ect. I know some of those men are fakes who have managed to get ahold of me, but the ones in real time I've had have said very similar things before letting me go.

What kind of things annoy them? You not wanting to submit to their dominance before they have earned your trust? Are these Desktop Doms? Do the ones in real time want things that defy common sense?

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