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Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 5:05:23 AM

Stitches79

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/28/2012
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I've been in a relationship with a sub for 5 years, now i'm very new to the Dom/sub game and i wanted to make her happy.
So i spent a number of weeks reading reading and more reading, i finaly bring it up to her what i've been doing and asked her how she felt about it,
She went off on a rant about how she dose not see me as a Dom, that she could not submit to me, i was shocked that i was giving her want she wanted of me yet turned me down in a way i didnt see coming.

I thought fine, np. i found out this week, she has been in a Dom/sub relationship for 18 months with someone we both know, he only tells he to do things with texts and i know they have done a few things on skype.

What i want to know, should i forget her all together for doing this behind my back. i love her very much but i dont know what to do about this. can we still be together knowing she wants to be collard by this "friend" and since he's not going to be with her one to one, can he really be her Dom?

Very stresed and very welcome to any advice.

Post #: 1

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 5:09:55 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

This must be hard for you, especially as the only one who can really answer your question is you. How would you feel knowing it was carrying on, how do you feel knowing that she was lying to you, how do you feel about her having an intimate relationship with someone else.

Some people would be able to put the lie behind them and accept what is going on, some would ask her to stop, some would say she can continue with certain rules put i place by you and some would walk away.

I can completely understand the fact that she may not see you as dominant, there is certainly a chemistry to it for many but that doesn't have to excuse her behaviour.

Good luck

_____________________________

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Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to Stitches79)

Post #: 2

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 5:19:50 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

That's pretty shit. I'm sorry for your troubles.

Without knowing any more about the dynamic than you've told me, I'd definitely walk.

And the next gal you meet might be more considerate of the effort you're clearly prepared to put into making a relationship work.

Going out on a limb (which is always silly I know...) - do you think it might be really sucky timing? Could it be that 18 months ago she gave up hoping for you to Dom her in the way she wants and went looking?

Not that I think it makes a great deal of difference, and the timing question isn't likely to be anyone's fault - at the end of the day, she checked out 18 months ago.

Also... and I'm now out on the really really thin bits of twig... I wouldn't be at all surprised if her remote dom has been busy telling her how you could never dom her, etc etc

In any event - My advice is move on, and find someone more worthy of you.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Stitches79)

Post #: 3

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 5:27:17 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Five years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone and "suddenly" decide they are not a dominant, or (as I would prefer to say) can not dominant them.

Based on what you have told us, this girl has lied and cheated, and insulted and humiliated you. She most obviously does not wish to be in a relationship with you. So I can't see there is anything to save.

I do think people can regain trust that has been broken, but only when both want that and are sincerely doing everything they can to rebuild trust in the relationship. That is a very difficult road, and few can travel it.

Release her and send her on her way; perhaps in a few years time she will redefine what dominance means to her, and deeply regret the choices she made.

Best, CP

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Post #: 4

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 5:30:14 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

Hmm, I haven't had anything quite like that
happen to me but I do find it interesting you
are still with her after finding out she is in some
texting/skype relationship behind your back...
No one on here can tell you what to do....

-ARIES

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 5

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 5:39:44 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

ChatteParfait and Crazyml have already said what I was thinking. Just to add - if she's been having this secretive, domination from a distance type arrangement, she's probably built up a huge fantasy in her head of what a D/s relationship would be like. The reality is not likely to live up to it. She's measuring you against him and it sounds like she's already decided that you lose.

It sucks, and I'm sorry, since from your story it sounds like you have been trying hard to meet her needs. I'd be very upset both by the cheating and the fact that she's not appreciated your efforts. If it was me, I'd end this relationship, but only you know what it's worth to you and whether you can build the trust back up. I'd also probably sever contact with this mutual friend because he clearly has no respect for you either.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 6

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 5:50:38 AM

CHF73

Posts: 35
Joined: 7/16/2012
Status: offline

First of all let me tell you i'm sorry for what your'e going thru.

I'm surely not an expert on D/s relationship cause i only recently discovered this side of me but i don't think the problem is that she had a D/s relationship with someone else, i mean: would it be different if she was having a vanilla relationship with someone else? I don't think so, so i'll give you my 2 cents anyway.

I totally agree with what ChatteParfaitt said, and i quote "this girl has lied and cheated, and insulted and humiliated you". Now i don't think anyone can really tell you what to do, but what do you have to ask yourself is: Is that ok with me? Can i forgive her? And if so, there will be conditions for that forgiveness (like stopping the relationship witht he other guy)?

One more thing...you said she wanted to be collared by the other guy...doesn't it mean she's not itnerested in you?

What you ahve to do depends on the answer you will give to this and other questions

PS please forgive any grammar mistake and/or typo i might have made, English is not my native language.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 7

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 6:10:52 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Welcome to the discussion side of CM, CHF. BTW: Your English, most especially your use of idiom and casual language is excellent.

Your advice to the OP was spot on. It's not so much a D/s issue, it's a relationship issue, and that kind of advice (pretty much) always translates well across subcultures.

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Post #: 8

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 6:15:25 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

OT

I'd like to echo ChatteParfaitt... welcome!

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to CHF73)

Post #: 9

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 6:19:41 AM

Delilya

Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline

It's hard to walk away from someone you love. However I would. I could not be involved with someone if I had to worry about what they were doing behind my back. Take the knowledge that you've gained and find someone worthy of your efforts.

_____________________________

“Love me without fear, trust me without questioning, need me without demanding, want me without restrictions, accept me without changes, desire me without inhibitions"-Dick Sutphen

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 10

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 6:26:23 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

To the OP, Im sorry you are going thru this, personally I would move on in the same situation, but then my husband tried and we came to the decision together that he just didnt get anything out of either side of the "kneel" but I have always appreciated and loved him for the simple reason that he did try hard, for over a year .... we didnt split. But it opened a new chapter in our communication AND relationship.So it can work but only if both want it to.

If you are wanting to delve deeper, learn more of the direction you are interested in. A dominant with knowledge and understanding, is worth his/her weight in gold.
I wish you luck in all ways

Just my two cents, I agree with Chatte, largely:)
And welcome to the both of you( Stitches and CHF)

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Dont Hate Love

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Post #: 11

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 6:29:02 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

First off, you're no Dom. You don't have a desire to Dominate and only do it because she wants it. Second, she's no sub. She just gets her rocks off when someone orders her around sexually. She has no intention of obeying you because she's a spoiled little princess who thinks of nobody but herself.

You discovered she's been cheating on you for the last eighteen months. I'd bet there are other affairs as well.

If you want to keep the relationship alive (I'd recommend against it):

Have a meeting with her. Explain that her infidelity was never authorized by you, and she's never going to be a sub unless she can follow rules. YOUR rules. Demand to know how many time she's sessioned with him, and give her a discipline session for each time. The discipline sessions will consist of her getting a thorough punishment spanking from you (I usually spank for a punishment spanking for one to two minutes full force with implements, no letup), preceded by several minutes of corner time: she stands in the corner, hands down at her sides holding the implement that will be used on her. Pants and panties pulled down so she's bare bottom, and no talking - her thoughts are ONLY to be of what she's done, how much she's hurt you, and the impending spanking. She should also write out an apology to you, as well as her suggestions on what can be done so she never cheats on you again.

Basically, this is HER problem, and HER punishment.

If she refuses or you can't bring yourself to do this, I'd walk.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CHF73)

Post #: 12

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 6:35:45 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stitches79
I've been in a relationship with a sub for 5 years, now i'm very new to the Dom/sub game and i wanted to make her happy.
So i spent a number of weeks reading reading and more reading, i finaly bring it up to her what i've been doing and asked her how she felt about it,
She went off on a rant about how she dose not see me as a Dom

I have to say that in all the time I've spent on these boards, when a person who self-identifies as a BDSM submissive says "I don't see you as a dom" that pretty much means the relationship is doomed. It probably means she has little respect for you now or else won't in the future. The fact that she "went off on you" is blatantly disrespectful.

i found out this week, she has been in a Dom/sub relationship for 18 months with someone we both know, he only tells he to do things with texts and i know they have done a few things on skype.
Uh huh. see above. Just to make sure you are clear, when a BDSM person says they are a "submissive" the word they are ommitting is [sexual] submissive. In other words, whatever they are doing behind your back is sexual in nature. Are you cool with her cheating on you?

What i want to know, should i forget her all together for doing this behind my back. It's a no-win. You should walk.
i love her very much but i dont know what to do about this. Probably nothing.
Can we still be together knowing she wants to be collard by this "friend" Sure you can... so long as you like being beta male in a three way relationship.
and since he's not going to be with her one to one, can he really be her Dom? Not in any meaningful way to me.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 7/19/2012 6:36:17 AM >

_____________________________

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"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Stitches79)

Post #: 13

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 6:57:51 AM

SoftMiddleCandy

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/18/2012
Status: offline

Totally agree with DarkSteven, this girl has taken a walk in your gfs shoes (minus the affairs) and if the bf / dom would have responded the way DarkSteven suggests this girl would have totally been his forever but if you're no dom find a girl who wants you for u.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 14

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:10:37 AM

CeriseNin

Posts: 286
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline

Wow, what a difficult situation for you. I'm sorry. I think Jeff pretty much nailed it though. Only you can decide what to do, but she has no regard or respect for you whatsoever, IMO, which signals a resounding end to the relationship. However, you've invested five years, are you willing to invest five more while she cheats, disrespects, and humiliates you? I would advise moving on.

< Message edited by CeriseNin -- 7/19/2012 7:11:09 AM >

(in reply to Stitches79)

Post #: 15

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:14:00 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

First off, you're no Dom. You don't have a desire to Dominate and only do it because she wants it. Second, she's no sub. She just gets her rocks off when someone orders her around sexually. She has no intention of obeying you because she's a spoiled little princess who thinks of nobody but herself.

You discovered she's been cheating on you for the last eighteen months. I'd bet there are other affairs as well.

If you want to keep the relationship alive (I'd recommend against it):

Have a meeting with her. Explain that her infidelity was never authorized by you, and she's never going to be a sub unless she can follow rules. YOUR rules. Demand to know how many time she's sessioned with him, and give her a discipline session for each time. The discipline sessions will consist of her getting a thorough punishment spanking from you (I usually spank for a punishment spanking for one to two minutes full force with implements, no letup), preceded by several minutes of corner time: she stands in the corner, hands down at her sides holding the implement that will be used on her. Pants and panties pulled down so she's bare bottom, and no talking - her thoughts are ONLY to be of what she's done, how much she's hurt you, and the impending spanking. She should also write out an apology to you, as well as her suggestions on what can be done so she never cheats on you again.

Basically, this is HER problem, and HER punishment.

If she refuses or you can't bring yourself to do this, I'd walk.

I disagree with this advice entirely. I do not believe punishment will help mend such a major rift in the relationship, most especially as the girl has rejected him as her dom.

Your advice sound like a good way to land him in jail on an abuse charge.

Normally I think you give great advice, DS, but I think you flopped on this one. Just my opinion of course.

_____________________________

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:21:13 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

ChatteParfait and Crazyml have already said what I was thinking. Just to add - if she's been having this secretive, domination from a distance type arrangement, she's probably built up a huge fantasy in her head of what a D/s relationship would be like. The reality is not likely to live up to it. She's measuring you against him and it sounds like she's already decided that you lose.

QFT

I'm very sorry that this has happened to you, but in the end you're the only one that can decide if the relationship can/should continue.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 17

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:25:09 AM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

Look - shes wandering off.

Did she happen to read "50 Shades of Bullshit" by any chance? Ive been seeing this type of thing all over boards of different sites since the popularity of this book hit the media.

I always find it amusing that someone would think that they could change their personality from reading a "book". Especially when it comes to the natural dynamics between them and another person.

When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not. I could care less what they label themselves as. They could state that "Ive been a MASTER for 20+ years, and blah - blah - blah -" but if they arnt what Ive previously stated, then their words dont mean a thing. And I promise you, NO BOOK that they read is gonna change that.

You being shocked at her rejecting your sudden revelation on how to fix things, tells me right there that you have a long way to go in logic and common sense.

Go ahead - and "forget" about her doing this behind your back. - Once again your logic is flawed. You cant forget something like that. Stop kidding yourself.
The day you find out the person you dig most in the world has betrayed you, things will never be the same again. You know that they dont have your best interest at heart. They dont care enough about you knowing that at some point theyre going to inflict damage to you so they can fulfil their own selfish wants and needs.
I like to look at things in a very simple way when it comes to relationships. Either your with me or against me. Thats it. If they'll do it once they'll do it again.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/19/2012 7:34:00 AM >

_____________________________

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

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Post #: 18

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:27:40 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

STeven, you know that I adore you, and also usually agree with you, but Ihave to go with Chatte on this...

*hugs* (when ya coming to visit?)

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Post #: 19

RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:31:23 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

First off, you're no Dom. You don't have a desire to Dominate and only do it because she wants it. Second, she's no sub. She just gets her rocks off when someone orders her around sexually. She has no intention of obeying you because she's a spoiled little princess who thinks of nobody but herself.

You discovered she's been cheating on you for the last eighteen months. I'd bet there are other affairs as well.

If you want to keep the relationship alive (I'd recommend against it):

Have a meeting with her. Explain that her infidelity was never authorized by you, and she's never going to be a sub unless she can follow rules. YOUR rules. Demand to know how many time she's sessioned with him, and give her a discipline session for each time. The discipline sessions will consist of her getting a thorough punishment spanking from you (I usually spank for a punishment spanking for one to two minutes full force with implements, no letup), preceded by several minutes of corner time: she stands in the corner, hands down at her sides holding the implement that will be used on her. Pants and panties pulled down so she's bare bottom, and no talking - her thoughts are ONLY to be of what she's done, how much she's hurt you, and the impending spanking. She should also write out an apology to you, as well as her suggestions on what can be done so she never cheats on you again.

Basically, this is HER problem, and HER punishment.

If she refuses or you can't bring yourself to do this, I'd walk.

I disagree with this advice entirely. I do not believe punishment will help mend such a major rift in the relationship, most especially as the girl has rejected him as her dom.

Your advice sound like a good way to land him in jail on an abuse charge.

Normally I think you give great advice, DS, but I think you flopped on this one. Just my opinion of course.

Chatte, my suggestion is to walk. The punishment is a last ditch attempt to salvage. She views him as weak, and I can't for the life of me see anything else reinforcing the D/s dynamic as much as emphatic punishment.

Part of the idea as well is that I don't believe that the OP is capable of seeing himself doing this. If this is the only way to save things and he can't do it... cut the losses now.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 20

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