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I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 6:10:05 AM   
Snowstormzzz


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		Title says it all. I'm looking for help with my issue.

When I'm with my sub, I find that I get bored too quickly and proceed onto the sex part too quickly. She's one of those subs that keeps quiet about her wants and needs, being rather unsure as to what she wants.

I've tried tying her up, humiliating her, forcing orgasms on her, puppy playing with her, spanking/caning her. But something always feels missing. A specific connection? I'm at a slight loss as to how to proceed.

A typical session will usually be 10-15 minutes of the BDSM stuff, then followed by the sexual stuff.

I'm sure some are fine with this, but I want the teasing part to last longer, but I'm rather at a loss. She always seem nearly bored during anything that isn't sex.

I've tried talking to her on it, but she seems confused and unsure as to what she want.

Should I be looking for someone else?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 6:18:44 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		That's very hard to say as I'm not a butterfly on the wall of your bedroom, so there' waaaaay too much I am missing out on (advice wise you pervs !!).

But I will try to take a stab if you will answer a few questions for me first.

What is the chemistry between you two? Is is great to die for hot monkey sex? Or does she lay there and take it then, too?

How long have you been together? How quickly did you proceed to a Dom/sub dynamic? And why on god's green earth did you do so before she opened up to you? Is this a relationship dynamic or sex in the bedroom only?

You know, submissive does not mean passive. Passive in a sexual relationship is just plain bleck to me. I need some fire, some passion, which is why I put up with my particular bratty s-type.

In any case, please answer as best you can, and I'll see what I can do.

Cute cat pic, BTW, I love it when they do the silly stick the tongue out thing.








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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 6:30:46 AM   
Snowstormzzz


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks! She was licking herself when I caught that shot!

We are an actual couple whose chemistry was built on a rock wall. We dated for 6 months before we realised we enjoyed a bit of BDSM in the bedroom. Mine was first hand, as I was always curious. Hers came from literature.

The Dom/sub dynamic was fairly much by default. She never was very aggressive or vocal her thoughts to begin with. Your typical exhibit A of a shy girl.

And yes, as you've guessed, she lays there and takes it. Our bedroom activities do not exactly set the carpet on fire.

We still enjoy lunches, dinners and movies together. She still seems quite keen and curious in this, but like I said, I feel that something isn't right. I always feel that I move too fast because I can sense that she's bored or isn't really enjoying it.

Perhaps it's my technique/skill? Hmm.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 6:33:49 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		My instant response...'just not that into it'. Which part of the not into it, I cant say.

Have you tried the part where you ask her?

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 6:44:02 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz
She's one of those subs that keeps quiet about her wants and needs, being rather unsure as to what she wants.


She's unresponsive. Tell her to go through Literotica or porn clips and select a few scenes that appear hot to her.
quote:



She always seem nearly bored during anything that isn't sex.

I've tried talking to her on it, but she seems confused and unsure as to what she want.

Should I be looking for someone else?


She's not turned on by the BDSM, but likes the sex? Odd.

Have you tried telling her that it turns you on when she reacts, and that you want her to react more? I've been with some subs whose previous Doms trained them to be passive and unresponsive during play.

And you'd consider dumping her for this? Ease up and train her to react how you like first.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:03:43 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Thank you for the quick answers, this helps.

Yeah okay she lays there and takes it. This is someone who is just not that into you, not that into sex, or your technique sucks big time, or all three.

I can't help you if she isn't into you or into sex.

Your technique you CAN do something about. Back in the day, we had the good ole "Joy of Sex" book to help us out. (Who all remembers this ground breaking book? It's been updated along the way and I still have a copy.)

Here's some technique tips:

Women like foreplay. Try lots of kissing and touching and caressing and fondling in a soft gentle not too aggressive way. When I say lots, can you get into kissing her for a good half hour with only occasional touches? Unless she is completely frigid, that should prepare her for more touches. She should be squirming and whimpering and in general showing her enjoyment.

Slowly proceed to more aggressive touches, but this whole time AVOID THE SWEET ZONES. No tits, no nipples, and don't get close to her pussy.

Once you are touching with more aggressiveness, occasionally sweep a hand over her tits or her mound. VERY occasionally. Keep this up until she is bucking up to meet your hand.

This is a great time to tell her how beautiful she is, how attractive you find her, how much you want her, and what nasty things you are going to do to her.

Whisper, growl, use your voice to reflect your passion.

Once she is bucking up to you, you can start moving lips down her body. Slowly, carefully move to her tits. Keep it excruciatingly slow. Force her to show her desire.

BTW: Don't ask her if she wants it or anything like that, it could blow her mindset.

Work yourself down to her pussy, but don't start licking the clit. Lick and suckle on her lips, her mound, everywhere but the clit for a good five minutes. (I am going to assume you know where her clit is).

By this point, she should be ready for some clit licking. Be gentle ! Be consistent in your strength and rhythm. Be patient.

Back off when you sense she is getting ready. Now you can fuck her. Use the same control as above. Slow, gentle, not that deep. Make her show by her actions she wants more. BTW: Don't forget to keep up the kissing, the foreplay, and most of all, the talking. Females are VERBAL. Tell how much you like her hot tight wet pussy.

If you can do the above, you just might be able to take a sexually non responsive female and turn her into a very responsive one. It will take a great deal of control on your part. But that's a huge part of D/s -- control.

BTW, I left out the kinky stuff for a reason; until you can make her YOURS sexually, there is no real reason for the kink. Let the sex fuel the kink.


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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:12:04 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		(Foreplay? I remember that!)

Listen to Miss Chatte. She Knows Stuff)

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:15:04 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My (now ex) husband never got the whole foreplay thing, so I was delighted when we stumbled across BDSM and suddenly there was HOURS of foreplay in the form of roleplay, bondage, flogging, etc. 10-15 minutes of this would not be nearly enough for me.

Is your sub completely unresponsive during BDSM? I lose the ability to form complete sentences, but I moan and squirm and scream and become visibly aroused. If she's not getting wet, something's wrong.

Fortunately, there are many toys in the BDSM toybox. I like TENS but not the violet wand, etc. How diverse is your repertoire? Branch out and learn what trips her trigger. If you don't already have Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism I highly recommend it. I've heard great things about "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" as well.

Have fun and enjoy the ride!

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:21:35 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		HAs the "lays there and takes it" part been only since you started the bdsm stuff, or has it always been like that?


That might appear to be a silly question, but think on it. Prior to the bdsm stuff was she passionate about sex, mildly participating, or taking it?

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:35:52 AM   
Char2688


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		You are giving up to easy......confidence happens with experience....if she is willing to sit there and take what you are dishing out, change it up! As with any situation where the alpha is being determined, patience and the willingness to wait them out rules. There are lots of buttons to push and the length of time it takes to push them to get the desired reaction varies. It could be that you are stopping too soon and the sub is just not had the time to come with mental terms with what is happening to the brain and body.

My advice is to go slower, drag it out, If she is bored, drag it out until you get that reaction. You spend every minute of every day teaching others how to react to you, this is no different.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:38:15 AM   
Snowstormzzz


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you to all who responded. This really helps! Extra props to ChatteParfaitt for that tutorial. Defo missing those parts these days. Very likely to be moving too aggressively into the "pain" part and being disappointed when there's little or no reaction now that I think of it.

A couple of answers to the questions

-She has always been a "taker". Even before the BDSM stuff. Rather unresponsive, but gets very wet during the rougher parts. I know it sounds weird that someone can get wet AND still look bored, but there you go.

-I have told her to react more if she can, but it's still the same in the end. This little issue frustrates me to no end, and I've questioned whether she's really enjoying it. She has said yes, but I'm not sure if this is the truthful answer.

-My toybox is like sticks and stones when compared to your arsenal of laser guns. Please do understand that I am from Asia, and (quite unthinkable according to my foreign colleagues), still living with my parents. There just isn't a good place to hide the goods. I have some, but mostly things that can be concealed in shoeboxes, and very little even at that.

Again, this led me back to wondering if I'm moving too fast into the sex part.

Perhaps I am. I'll see if I can improve on that part.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:40:41 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Well first off - according to your profile, youre already looking for someone else. (no mention that youre in a relationship with someone) so youre obviously just keeping her around until you find someone that will fulfill the needs you find lacking between you and your current sub.

Why ask a panel of people when youve already made up your mind?

< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/19/2012 7:51:18 AM >

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:45:12 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		If she's wet, she's enjoying it.

Yes, you are moving way too fast. As I said, you have to hook her sexually. Then go for the kink.

BTW: You don't have to ALWAYS spend all this much time on her. Let yourself have a good grunge fuck when you need one. You ARE the dom. But once or twice a week make her pleasure be your passion with tons and I do mean tons of kissing and foreplay.

For whatever reason, this girl is afraid, unable, whatevah, to show her response -- it's your job to break through her resistance, lower her reserve, turn her into a squirming, squealing puddle of pure slutty need. When you can do THAT, add some kink.

And you don't *need* toys for Christ's sake. Your hands, your lips, your tongue, your cock, your beard, all these things make for great sensation play. Get creative.

Oh, is she unresponsive b/c she is afraid to make noise b/c you live at home? This could be a huge mitigating factor.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:45:38 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

-She has always been a "taker". Even before the BDSM stuff. Rather unresponsive, but gets very wet during the rougher parts. I know it sounds weird that someone can get wet AND still look bored, but there you go.



with this info, I would suggest that she is generally not into the BDSM stuff, other than the romance novel idea of being taken. Not exactly rape, but forcefully taken by someone she already has feelings for.

IMO, you trying on the other BDSM stuff is actually working against you.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:48:55 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Agreed. When you do go for the kink, try role playing at first. You know, sexy harem slave gets ravaged by her owner, schoolgirl goes to the head master to get a better grade and gets more than she bargained for, sexy stranger shows up in her bed for a night of ravagement, whatever you think will float your (and her) boat.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 7/19/2012 7:49:29 AM >

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:49:53 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz

Thanks! She was licking herself when I caught that shot!

We are an actual couple whose chemistry was built on a rock wall. We dated for 6 months before we realised we enjoyed a bit of BDSM in the bedroom. Mine was first hand, as I was always curious. Hers came from literature.

The Dom/sub dynamic was fairly much by default. She never was very aggressive or vocal her thoughts to begin with. Your typical exhibit A of a shy girl.

And yes, as you've guessed, she lays there and takes it. Our bedroom activities do not exactly set the carpet on fire.

We still enjoy lunches, dinners and movies together. She still seems quite keen and curious in this, but like I said, I feel that something isn't right. I always feel that I move too fast because I can sense that she's bored or isn't really enjoying it.

Perhaps it's my technique/skill? Hmm.


It does not sound like you have earth shattering sexual chemistry; it should set the carpet on fire. It might be that you are very compatible as partners, but you really cannot manufacture chemistry.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:51:07 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Some people are more responsive than others. Why do you assume she's lying to you when she says she enjoys it? And this attitude, that she is lying, will be preventing her from responding. I don't know anyone who gets excited to have sex with someone who has made it clear they don't believe a word you say.

If this is not her first sexual relationship then ask her if she was a thrasher, moaning, screamer type with her exes, or if she's always been more quiet during.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:53:38 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

-My toybox is like sticks and stones when compared to your arsenal of laser guns. Please do understand that I am from Asia, and (quite unthinkable according to my foreign colleagues), still living with my parents. There just isn't a good place to hide the goods. I have some, but mostly things that can be concealed in shoeboxes, and very little even at that.


Since the TENS was designed to be therapeutic I could truthfully tell my Mom I got it because my acupuncturist used it for my knee pain. Well, that's a partial truth

I'm sure someone will be along with a list of household items that can be used as toys.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:54:50 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

Oh, is she unresponsive b/c she is afraid to make noise b/c you live at home? This could be a huge mitigating factor.


Great question.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 7:58:00 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Do you have a closet in your room? Then get a suitcase with a lock and keep toys in there. If you aren't leaving your room a mess expecting your mother to clean it, she shouldn't have much reason to go through it. Do your own laundry, clean it properly, and you should get much more privacy.

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