RE: Has this ever occurred to you?

RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

OttersSwim -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 1:44:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus It's absolutely possible to be happy. You just have to learn to do it alone. But you know, sometimes the universe smiles on us and we are blessed with happiness, love and kink. Not in spite of ourselves, but because of it. [:)]

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 1:46:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus It's absolutely possible to be happy. You just have to learn to do it alone. But you know, sometimes the universe smiles on us and we are blessed with happiness, love and kink. Not in spite of ourselves, but because of it. [:)] Tell it to the marines, sweetie.

LadyPact -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 1:49:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim But you know, sometimes the universe smiles on us and we are blessed with happiness, love and kink. Not in spite of ourselves, but because of it. [:)] This. ^^^^ So much this!

JeffBC -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 1:50:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Jeff, you...... Of all people...... Who detests labels..... Really? Yup really. The thing is I can remember all too well only what??? 5 years ago??? when this was all a strange new landscape for me and the labels, as inadequate as they are, seemed more like a lighthouse in the storm than a prison cell. Some roadmap is better than none. And then, as I noted, even now I am not "authentic" here. There's certain topics which are very definitely off-limits so I don't bring them up. All I was trying to point out is that while I certainly agree with the overall sentiment, I think there are nuances that are worth not getting swept under the carpet. The entire BDSM world exists in hyperbole and black & white. I don't wish to contribute to it. My 15 years with Carol was whatever path it was to bring me to where I am now... which is more and more looking like a "kinky" path rather than a "vanilla" one. But it's still true that the "here" that I arrived at only partially overlaps with the BDSM community and hardly at all outside of MAsT. One last note... Carol does not love me for exactly who I am. Nor do I love Carol for exactly who she is. Both of us find that a ridiculous and demeaning thought. In both cases, we have worked VERY hard over the course of 18 total years to be as perfect as we can be for our partner. We have done both major and minor adjustments inside and out. There ain't no such thing as easy money in our neck of the woods. I have no expectation that anyone should "love me for who I am." Bringing this closer to home... when there was a spark of masochism in Carol I went digging deep inside myself to find the answering spark in me. It turned out to be unnecessary but had that been a real interest of hers then I would have become sadistic... not in the cheesy way that people talk about it here... going through the motions... but for real. THAT is why Carol loves me so much. I'll change my life to better suit her mood. That's about the exact opposite from "she should love me for who I am".

LadyPact -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 1:51:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Tell it to the marines, sweetie. Sometimes, Hib, it really is just dumb luck.

OttersSwim -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 1:56:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus It's absolutely possible to be happy. You just have to learn to do it alone. But you know, sometimes the universe smiles on us and we are blessed with happiness, love and kink. Not in spite of ourselves, but because of it. [:)] Tell it to the marines, sweetie. And yet, we fill pages and pages on this forum telling people to never give up the search, to be patient, to be optimistic and enthusiastic... I mean Christ, for me to be any more outside of the mainstream of society, I'd have to join Al Qaeda! And God's knows why she picked me, but I am as happy as I have ever been in my life. Me! A 48 year old, overweight, pagan girlie-boy submissive up to his eyeballs in debt and graying hair. I am on here because it does happen. And it can happen to you LadyH, and I hope it does. You got it going on. Period. Sorry for the aside, but had to be said.

LadyPact -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 1:59:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim And yet, we fill pages and pages on this forum telling people to never give up the search, to be patient, to be optimistic and enthusiastic... I mean Christ, for me to be any more outside of the mainstream of society, I'd have to join Al Qaeda! And God's knows why she picked me, but I am as happy as I have ever been in my life. Me! A 48 year old, overweight, pagan girlie-boy submissive up to his eyeballs in debt and graying hair. I am on here because it does happen. And it can happen to you LadyH, and I hope it does. You got it going on. Period. Sorry for the aside, but had to be said. Thank you.... Just, thanks. ETA - No, wait, I'm not done. To have it, you have to be your authentic self. You can't transform into whatever the hell some other person wants you to be.

Missokyst -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:01:16 PM)
Yeah... it kinda of bugs me when people who 30 yrs ago might have been considered traditional, now have to assign a kink label to it to make it acceptable for them. It has been a peeve of mine for a long time. And I don't think it is necessarily them. Someone or something had to put that thought in their heads. My mom was not kinky (far from it, she once asked me if I had ever felt an orgasm and was it really a big deal), but she ran a fairly old fashioned household, at least she was before my early teens. Kink, and the need for kink is a totally different thing imo. I enjoy pain. I even enjoy doling it out. It makes me wet to walk into a tire store. My nipples get seriously perky when my hands are secured above my head. I am kinky. And.. I happen to enjoy catering to a partner and often find myself falling into compliance even though I may be saying no at the time. For me, that is more of a failing in my personality.. because I cannot avoid some actions causing physical and mental reactions inside me. My mom.. she gritted her teeth but did what she was told because that was the way things were done.

ElsieIsme -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:12:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus It's absolutely possible to be happy. You just have to learn to do it alone. But you know, sometimes the universe smiles on us and we are blessed with happiness, love and kink. Not in spite of ourselves, but because of it. [:)] This! This is my story. Pure chance, no design. Sometimes it just happens. But it you had told me a year ago that I'd be in love with a kinky man & this kinky life I would have laughed at you :-)

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:13:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Tell it to the marines, sweetie. Sometimes, Hib, it really is just dumb luck. It is ALWAYS dumb luck. That's why I am back to telling people to just be themselves. As evidence, I offer any Wal-Mart store's clientele.

OttersSwim -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:28:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Thank you.... Just, thanks. ETA - No, wait, I'm not done. To have it, you have to be your authentic self. You can't transform into whatever the hell some other person wants you to be. 100% agreed Being your authentic self is not always easy, it is not always popular, but it is always right. And my experience of it, is that being authentic is "attractive" to others. I can't explain it, but I have definitely experienced it. We spend so much time in our lives trying to confirm to "societal norms" - male/female, man/woman, young/old, career, family, EXPECTATIONS for our gender, our age, our social circle, our professions, our attire, our homes, our cars...it can make you fucking nuts if you let it. We all do it for so long, that social conforming dance - until your shoes are too tight and you have forgotten how to dance* Something (hopefully) changes in us and we begin releasing those self-imposed expectations, and the universe opens up to a vista of infinite possibilities and we become more attractive to the intentions we put out there. We are beings who live in a state of defense/stabilization, or a state of growth. I really do believe that it is "Change your mind, change your life." *(thank you Babylon 5 for that little nugget, and thank you brain for digging it up right now when it is so appropriate!)

AurumCaminus -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:30:18 PM)
As Jeff said, it is important to remember how highly social human beings are. People usually do whatever they can to find an accepted place within the group because being isolated and alone has been, for almost all of history, very dangerous. There is safety in numbers and being cast out from the pack is tantamount to being thrown to the wolves. The predators, human or otherwise, target those that are isolated, and a lone individual is typically no match for those who would prey upon them. And as Littlewonder said, those who have been cast out keep hearing how BDSM will accept anyone, I hear it all the time how open and accepting kinky people are, I know that it is total BS but still I keep hearing it. So they come looking for a place to feel safe and accepted and encounter pervasive rejection, hostility, and what is perceived as an even higher expectation of conformity to rules and standards that no one can agree about or explain. Then when they feel the wolves starting to circle and no one to turn to they get told, "Don't be so desperate, its a real turn off." The advise, "Just be yourself," is easy to give when you have already found your place. But while it is a fact that no one will ever find a place that fulfills them without being true to who they really are, it is not particularly useful to those who are still seeking and whose usual experience is that failing to conform to the expectations of those around them is the quickest and surest way to find themselves ostracized.

LadyPact -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:33:52 PM)
The advise, "Just be yourself," is easy to give when you have already found your place. Bullshit! It wasn't easy. It took us eight years to get here and we're still fucking up. We agonized these last couple of months. And, dagnabbit, the word really is "advice" with a "C".

LaTigresse -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:36:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AurumCaminus As Jeff said, it is important to remember how highly social human beings are. People usually do whatever they can to find an accepted place within the group because being isolated and alone has been, for almost all of history, very dangerous. There is safety in numbers and being cast out from the pack is tantamount to being thrown to the wolves. The predators, human or otherwise, target those that are isolated, and a lone individual is typically no match for those who would prey upon them. And as Littlewonder said, those who have been cast out keep hearing how BDSM will accept anyone, I hear it all the time how open and accepting kinky people are, I know that it is total BS but still I keep hearing it. So they come looking for a place to feel safe and accepted and encounter pervasive rejection, hostility, and what is perceived as an even higher expectation of conformity to rules and standards that no one can agree about or explain. Then when they feel the wolves starting to circle and no one to turn to they get told, "Don't be so desperate, its a real turn off." The advise, "Just be yourself," is easy to give when you have already found your place. But while it is a fact that no one will ever find a place that fulfills them without being true to who they really are, it is not particularly useful to those who are still seeking and whose usual experience is that failing to conform to the expectations of those around them is the quickest and surest way to find themselves ostracized. I am a firm believer in making your own place. If it is done with good intent, without malice, without desperation and self pity, with focus and passion....others will be drawn to you! I've seen it happen too many times to believe otherwise. As I have consistently preached to my kids and so forth........no one promised life was going to be easy. Get busy living. I feel like people either want it to be easy, even if it isn't authentic. They will take easy. OR, they want to sit and mope, moan, feel sorry for themselves. That is utter bullshit. Living authentically usually isn't easy but that shouldn't stop us from doing it.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:40:00 PM)
When I say "be yourself", I mean to be YOURSELF. Try on different costumes, explore, but if something feels wrong for you, then it's wrong for you. Don't try to live up to a false set of expectations that weren't even invented with a real person in mind. If you're a clueless twit, and you're happy with that? Run with it. Honest. You'll feel better and your chances of getting on in life will probably not be affected one whit. If you want to make yourself into a shiny and wonderful thing, do that. Don't expect that it will please a living soul other than yourself. That's what I mean--be true to yourself, be "authentic", however you want to put it. It won't guarantee anything but personal contentment, but that is worth an awful lot.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:41:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus It's absolutely possible to be happy. You just have to learn to do it alone. Something I need to learn.

deeplove -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:41:20 PM)
With the fifty shades of grey been read it for millions that is what happen ! a lot of people are dreaming to be more kinky because they think that are trapped in a very boring life ....

JanahX -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:42:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AurumCaminus As Jeff said, it is important to remember how highly social human beings are. People usually do whatever they can to find an accepted place within the group because being isolated and alone has been, for almost all of history, very dangerous. There is safety in numbers and being cast out from the pack is tantamount to being thrown to the wolves. The predators, human or otherwise, target those that are isolated, and a lone individual is typically no match for those who would prey upon them. And as Littlewonder said, those who have been cast out keep hearing how BDSM will accept anyone, I hear it all the time how open and accepting kinky people are, I know that it is total BS but still I keep hearing it. So they come looking for a place to feel safe and accepted and encounter pervasive rejection, hostility, and what is perceived as an even higher expectation of conformity to rules and standards that no one can agree about or explain. Then when they feel the wolves starting to circle and no one to turn to they get told, "Don't be so desperate, its a real turn off." The advise, "Just be yourself," is easy to give when you have already found your place. But while it is a fact that no one will ever find a place that fulfills them without being true to who they really are, it is not particularly useful to those who are still seeking and whose usual experience is that failing to conform to the expectations of those around them is the quickest and surest way to find themselves ostracized. What are you talking about? Cast out from what pack? Ostracized from where? I dont understand anything that youve wrote. Who are you talking about?

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:44:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus It's absolutely possible to be happy. You just have to learn to do it alone. Something I need to learn. It's great until threads like this make your head explode, honest. Did I mention I have a parrot. SOME people have capybaras.

littlewonder -> RE: Has this ever occurred to you? (7/19/2012 2:54:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: deeplove With the fifty shades of grey been read it for millions that is what happen ! a lot of people are dreaming to be more kinky because they think that are trapped in a very boring life .... THIS...sooooooo this!! As for not being alone...you can still be with someone and feel alone. And I was single for years upon years before meeting Master. I wasn't even expecting to meet a single soul, especially on here...I was a young mom with a teenage daughter and not much to show for my life and allll kinds of problems that I didn't think anyone would want to bother with. I know I wouldn't have with someone like me...not in a million years! It just happened out of sheer and complete insomnia and sheer boredom that I met Master. I never even expected him to continue every night writing to my stupid one line responses to him. He was lucky if he got more than that from me most times hehe. I'm religious and I'm not sure if you are but for me, I feel that when God wants you to be with someone he will make it happen in his own good time. If he doesn't then he has other plans, bigger plans in store for you.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875