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Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:25:40 AM   
SongofSirens


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/20/2012
Status: offline 		I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door.
I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship.
I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is.
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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:31:59 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		How long have you two been long distance? It doesn't sound like a long time. If you're already distrusting him and you feel he's not answering your questions then I'd say that's your answer.

I could understand if you two were local and have been together for a long time but that's not how it sounds. You need that stability at the beginning of a relationship and he's not giving you that. I'm going to guess it's all a game to him while you see it as as more of a relationship and wanting to go further.


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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:39:47 AM   
SongofSirens


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/20/2012
Status: offline 		It has been 18 months. I dont know if you consider that very brief. We speak everyday, close in many ways, but still there are questions he will not answer. I have not hassled him. I will ask sometimes and will always recieve the same answer. He has fulfilled me in some key areas, but this secrecy of his life vs full disclosure of mine does not feel good.

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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:46:04 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Have you ever been to his home? Spoke to him during the day? Or always late in the eve? I know if I was in your situation and it's been 18 months, I would be calling off the entire relationship at that point. If he cannot tell me about his life and if there are others or anything about himself then I'm not going to open up about myself either and it all becomes a big waste of time.

I was thankful that on our third date, I asked Master about some personal stuff and he pulled out his driver's license right then and there lol and he's always been completely open about himself with me...nothing to hide.

Imo if you are vague and/or refuse to provide simple, basic information about yourself then you are either married, seeing others, or are playing a game...none of which I would find attractive.

If you do though, then stay. If you don't and you have talked to him about it and he still refuses, then walk, imo.


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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:46:11 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer.


Sweetie, you have your answer - there are others. If you are content with seeing someone every few weeks who withholds information from you, stay with him. I wouldn't.




< Message edited by kalikshama -- 7/20/2012 7:47:36 AM >

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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:50:41 AM   
SongofSirens


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/20/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you. Honesty is so important and there is no contentment in withholding information. It seems like lying by omission. It comes up all the time in my mind, whether I talk about it or not. The relationship for me is at a stand still and can not stabilize and grow because of the uncertainties I feel.

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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:54:17 AM   
punisher440


Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline 		I can understand ANYONE being a bit cautious at the beginning of a relationship...but 18 months into one? If he is withholding information after this long a time,you have a serious problem.If you feel the relationship is worth saving,try once more to get him to open up.Don't threaten to break it off if he doesn't start talking,just walk away because you have spent far too long being treated like a mushroom here.

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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 7:57:41 AM   
SongofSirens


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/20/2012
Status: offline 		Yes. I have been to his home many times. Absolute bachelors pad.

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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:03:32 AM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SongofSirens

Thank you. Honesty is so important and there is no contentment in withholding information. It seems like lying by omission. It comes up all the time in my mind, whether I talk about it or not. The relationship for me is at a stand still and can not stabilize and grow because of the uncertainties I feel.


Lying by omission is not offering information. Being asked information and not answering that is avoidance. This is why communication is important, I have been accused of lying by omission, because I didn't know that something was important, it wasn't to me... and when she found out she hit me with that. Hell, when asked I told her, it held no meaning to me.

Avoiding the question, Well, I agree with Kalikshama... you have your answer.

Personally, I have stated that the person may ask, if I choose not to answer, I will tell them and usually why I will not respond. I also agree with the poster who stated it sounds like the two of you have a vastly different perspective on that this is to your selves.

A rarely un-sarcastic response from

Cryptic

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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:04:00 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SongofSirens

I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door.
I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship.
I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is.


Because he is not okay with the answer.

Regardless of what his truth is, the fact that he isn't being honest with you and giving full disclosure when it is important to you is what really matters.

He could be doing nothing you wouldn't mind. But the reality is that he is being secretive and that bothers you. He isn't going to change, and it will keep getting more and more problematic to you. I rarely tell people to give up on relationships, not even my daughter with her husband that I don't really care for.........but.......Unless you can stop being bothered by his behaviour and I doubt you can, you may as well end the whole thing now before it gets more complex and will be more painful.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:10:06 AM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse



He could be doing nothing you wouldn't mind. But the reality is that he is being secretive and that bothers you. He isn't going to change, and it will keep getting more and more problematic to you. I rarely tell people to give up on relationships, not even my daughter with her husband that I don't really care for.........but.......Unless you can stop being bothered by his behaviour and I doubt you can, you may as well end the whole thing now before it gets more complex and will be more painful.


I agree, holding on longer than you should tends to just tangle your own emotions up and a lot of times rarely the other person...not that I would know anything about that personally.

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:14:12 AM   
Char2688


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		He either has another/more subs or he wants you to think he does.
Either way, it bothers you!
Since he is being evasive on purpose you can count on answers you don't want to hear, or a lie.

Live with it and never bring it up again, or leave!

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:14:30 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		End of the day hun if it is not something you can deal with in a relationship then get out. It really doesn't matter what his reasons are.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:16:16 AM   
fluffypet67


Posts: 4421
Joined: 3/8/2012
From: Moorestown, NJ
Status: offline 		Is he married?   His "absolute batchelor pad" may not be his primary residence.

< Message edited by fluffypet67 -- 7/20/2012 8:19:34 AM >

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a BC survivor for 4 years.

On my own again.

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RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:17:30 AM   
SongofSirens


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/20/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


quote:

ORIGINAL: SongofSirens

I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door.
I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship.
I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is.


Because he is not okay with the answer.

Regardless of what his truth is, the fact that he isn't being honest with you and giving full disclosure when it is important to you is what really matters.

He could be doing nothing you wouldn't mind. But the reality is that he is being secretive and that bothers you. He isn't going to change, and it will keep getting more and more problematic to you. I rarely tell people to give up on relationships, not even my daughter with her husband that I don't really care for.........but.......Unless you can stop being bothered by his behaviour and I doubt you can, you may as well end the whole thing now before it gets more complex and will be more painful.


Yes Maam, that would be correct. He may be doing nothing, and he may, I just dont like not knowing. Even if he was seeing someone else or two or three, thats not wrong to me if he would only be forthright about it. Not leaving me BOTHERED by secrecy. I have been very patient but just as you said the bothering me is increasing. He acts if I am suppose to act on blind faith.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:30:55 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		sounds also like he might be testing you to see if you're a "real" slave.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:34:00 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Is he married?   His "absolute batchelor pad" may not be his primary residence.


While "absolute batchelor pad" brings to mind bad housekeeping, I did know someone who scened in a furnished but vacant condo.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:49:38 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SongofSirens


Yes Maam, that would be correct. He may be doing nothing, and he may, I just dont like not knowing. Even if he was seeing someone else or two or three, thats not wrong to me if he would only be forthright about it. Not leaving me BOTHERED by secrecy. I have been very patient but just as you said the bothering me is increasing. He acts if I am suppose to act on blind faith.


The point is that it bothers you. He is being a putz for not addressing your concerns in a way that alleviates them. Instead, he is making it worse. Shame on him. Relationships require trust. He is not earning your trust, he is doing the opposite. Is that the kind of relationship you want???

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SongofSirens)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:56:04 AM   
SongofSirens


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/20/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

sounds also like he might be testing you to see if you're a "real" slave.



How would this prove that one is a real slave?

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Desperate need of advice - 7/20/2012 8:57:37 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		For example, how much do you trust him that he as your Dom does not have to say anything at all because he's the dom and can do whatever he wants. If you stay and don't ask anymore, then you trust him. If you leave then you don't trust him.

I'm not saying that, I'm saying that's how the game works.


_____________________________

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Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 20
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