Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity?

Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (Full Version)

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PlayWithMe911 -> Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 5:32:35 AM)
I met my first and only Master on this site and before we started. I specifically asked if he had a girlfriend/fiance/wife or seeing someone else. He SWORE he only dates one person at a time. Also, his packed work schedule would prevent him from having more than one, any way. We entered into a Master/sub relationship and after a long time, I was finally collared. Shortly after that, I found evidence on the internet that he was engaged. He claims that they are also old sites, that she is an old ex ad he never proposed. However, all the sites I found have recent timestamps and one had her confirming they were getting married. Aside from the hurt this has caused me, I need to know what is the norm in the BDSM world about exclusivity. As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity? Or do I have to accept that this is the norm and the Master can have as many women/girlfriends/slaves in his life as he wants? If that's the case, maybe the BDSM life is not meant for me and I should leave this world completely. Or should I stick it out and find a better Master? Thanks for any advice.

GreedyTop -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 5:34:42 AM)
You have the right to require what makes you happy. If he is actually getting married to another, you also have the right to walk out the door.

PlayWithMe911 -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 5:42:46 AM)
It was painful but I did walk away. It was the hardest thing to do because as you can imagine, it's harder for a slave to lose her Master than a Master to lose a slave. He says he wants to be friends because he misses me, but what absolutely kills me is that he still denies that this other woman exists or that he even proposed, but I've found other sites proving that she's a bigger part of his life than I am... his REAL life apparently. (sigh) I know there are good Masters out there but it's just so discouraging.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:15:00 AM)
Was this an online only relationship you had with him? You know, your user name "playwithme911" does not suggest that you are looking for long term or exclusivity. It suggests you are looking for a fast beat in the ER. I'd think about that. I would also think about why you gave your heart to someone when you didn't know what his real life was all about. When a man is falling in love with you, he shares as much of his life with you as he can, b/c he wants you in it, and he wants to know it's okay with you. Or at least, that's been my experience. I'm not meaning to be cruel, but you do want to learn from this experience, right?

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:19:33 AM)
You have a right to not be lied to. Some people have open or poly relationships, some have casual play partners, some are monogamous. All are fine. Lying and cheating are not fine.

SlipSlidingAway -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:26:07 AM)
Even if you and he were only in an online relationship, you have a right to the truth. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon to be lied to when it's only online, but it's still a perfectly justifiable reason for you to leave. Collar or not. If you were in a vanilla relationship with the guy and found out he was engaged you would have left as well, no? He said one thing while living another. Best of everything. And, not to make light of your pain, it could have been worse. You could have invested a lot more time and resources into the relationship before finding out. Edited because I have not yet had coffee and missed about half of the words I wanted to put in there.

IrishMist -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:35:49 AM)
quote: I need to know what is the norm in the BDSM world about exclusivity. There is no norm. There is only what you want, and what he wants. Everything else is bullshit. quote: do I have a right to demand exclusivity Being a submissive or slave has no bearing on whether or not exclusivity should be included. With that said, No one has the right to demand anything from a partner. However, you do have the right to ask. Having a relationship under the umbrella of BDSM is no different than having one under the heading of 'vanilla'. The same rules apply. I find it horrifying that mature adults, when venturing forth into this realm, lose all form of common sense and decency. The man you are referring to obviously was a fucktard. Seriously. Would you put up with someone lying and cheating on you if they were NOT involved in BDSM? Somehow I doubt it. So why the fuck would you think that you have to now?

PlayWithMe911 -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:40:07 AM)
I respect your advice and I definitely have learned. At the time I created my account, I was just looking. There doesn't seem to be a place to change your username. If anyone can get me in touch with a system administrator for this site, I'd appreciate it. I made it clear in my profile I was looking for a LTR. We were dating. We went out to dinner, vegged out in front of the TV, even had evenings where we just talked and cuddled. He would always be available when I called or texted. Toward the end, he slept over.

searching4mysir -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:42:23 AM)
quote: As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity? Absolutely. And the fact that he felt that he needed to lie about it proves that he is untrustworthy. Were it me, it would cause me to ask "what makes me think I'm the only piece of tail he has on the side? What else has he told me that has been a lie? Did he lie when he said he was clean too? " I'm monogamous. If Master were not also monogamous, he would not be my Master. It's a deal-breaker for me and I walk.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:43:52 AM)
You can't change your name. You CAN close the account and open a new one with a new name. Smart thing to do. Good luck, sunshine

PlayWithMe911 -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:52:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: searching4mysir quote: As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity? Absolutely. And the fact that he felt that he needed to lie about it proves that he is untrustworthy. Were it me, it would cause me to ask "what makes me think I'm the only piece of tail he has on the side? What else has he told me that has been a lie? Did he lie when he said he was clean too? " I'm monogamous. If Master were not also monogamous, he would not be my Master. It's a deal-breaker for me and I walk. Thank God we always used protection. In hindsight, it was probably to protect his fiance, but in the end it protected me too since who's to say there isn't an "other-other" woman.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 6:59:40 AM)
It sounds like he was a very proficient liar as well as a cheater. You are well rid of him, so don't go back, no matter how much he says he misses you. I'm sorry this happened to you. Please learn your lessons from it and then move on. Because yes, there are good men out there, there are even some great ones !!

GreedyTop -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 7:24:28 AM)
best of luck for you, OP.. it sounds like you are not an idiot, and you have learned from this experience. Don't let it jade you though.. there ARE good men out there (too bad there is SO much chaff to sift before the wheat shows up! LOL)

SpaceSpank -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 7:27:17 AM)
You have the right to request whatever style relationship you wish. In this case he lied to you before you ever had any sort of D/s or M/S relationship. Plain and simple he was responsible for his actions and fucked up. You're were well within your rights to walk away. It would have been the same had he decided he really wanted to be poly afterwards. That was not what was agreed upon, so you would have every right to say no, and then "fuck you I'm gone" if he persisted.

SacredDepravity -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 7:31:23 AM)
fast reply- I didn't read a darn thing because it changes my answer not one bit. If you want exclusive, then look for exclusive. A subbie that doesn't want to share needs to be looking for a dom that does not want to share. Further, if there is a spouse or other current partner, it already is not exclusive and it is foolish to think it is going to change later. Sometimes people come to be open to not being exclusive, but that is not exactly the norm either. Look for what you want. If you settle for someone who wants very different things, regardless of relationship position, do not be surprised when those things end the relationship. SD

GreedyTop -> RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? (8/14/2012 7:43:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity fast reply- I didn't read a darn thing because it changes my answer not one bit. If you want exclusive, then look for exclusive. A subbie that doesn't want to share needs to be looking for a dom that does not want to share. Further, if there is a spouse or other current partner, it already is not exclusive and it is foolish to think it is going to change later. Sometimes people come to be open to not being exclusive, but that is not exactly the norm either. Look for what you want. If you settle for someone who wants very different things, regardless of relationship position, do not be surprised when those things end the relationship. SD I'm assuming you meant that as general advice, yes?

kanina -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 7:47:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911 ... it's harder for a slave to lose her Master than a Master to lose a slave. That is not true. First because if a person has feeling for the other doesn't matter the title. Second because it is easier to find a dom then a slave [:D]

GreedyTop -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 7:54:16 AM)
quote: Second because it is easier to find a dom thAn a slave No, it isn't any easier if what you WANT is something that isn't disposable. It goes both ways.

kanina -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 7:57:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop quote: Second because it is easier to find a dom thAn a slave No, it isn't any easier if what you WANT is something that isn't disposable. It goes both ways. It does. but generally i think it is. Sorry for the mistake, make English isn't good. But I'm practicing.

Kana -> RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? (8/14/2012 8:05:30 AM)
He has a right to tell you you can't demand exclusivity...and you have a right to walk. And the lying, yeah, that's a good reason to walk. This stuff ain't complex. He can demand anything...and she can always leave if she don't like it. You know, like any and every other kind of relationship.

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