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Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 5:32:35 AM

PlayWithMe911

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

I met my first and only Master on this site and before we started. I specifically asked if he had a girlfriend/fiance/wife or seeing someone else. He SWORE he only dates one person at a time. Also, his packed work schedule would prevent him from having more than one, any way. We entered into a Master/sub relationship and after a long time, I was finally collared. Shortly after that, I found evidence on the internet that he was engaged. He claims that they are also old sites, that she is an old ex ad he never proposed. However, all the sites I found have recent timestamps and one had her confirming they were getting married. Aside from the hurt this has caused me, I need to know what is the norm in the BDSM world about exclusivity.

As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity? Or do I have to accept that this is the norm and the Master can have as many women/girlfriends/slaves in his life as he wants? If that's the case, maybe the BDSM life is not meant for me and I should leave this world completely. Or should I stick it out and find a better Master?

Thanks for any advice.

< Message edited by PlayWithMe911 -- 8/14/2012 6:11:33 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 5:34:42 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

You have the right to require what makes you happy. If he is actually getting married to another, you also have the right to walk out the door.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 2

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 5:42:46 AM

PlayWithMe911

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

It was painful but I did walk away. It was the hardest thing to do because as you can imagine, it's harder for a slave to lose her Master than a Master to lose a slave.

He says he wants to be friends because he misses me, but what absolutely kills me is that he still denies that this other woman exists or that he even proposed, but I've found other sites proving that she's a bigger part of his life than I am... his REAL life apparently. (sigh) I know there are good Masters out there but it's just so discouraging.

< Message edited by PlayWithMe911 -- 8/14/2012 5:54:42 AM >

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 3

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:15:00 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Was this an online only relationship you had with him?

You know, your user name "playwithme911" does not suggest that you are looking for long term or exclusivity. It suggests you are looking for a fast beat in the ER. I'd think about that.

I would also think about why you gave your heart to someone when you didn't know what his real life was all about. When a man is falling in love with you, he shares as much of his life with you as he can, b/c he wants you in it, and he wants to know it's okay with you. Or at least, that's been my experience.

I'm not meaning to be cruel, but you do want to learn from this experience, right?

_____________________________

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 4

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:19:33 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

You have a right to not be lied to.

Some people have open or poly relationships, some have casual play partners, some are monogamous. All are fine.

Lying and cheating are not fine.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 5

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:26:07 AM

SlipSlidingAway

Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

Even if you and he were only in an online relationship, you have a right to the truth. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon to be lied to when it's only online, but it's still a perfectly justifiable reason for you to leave. Collar or not. If you were in a vanilla relationship with the guy and found out he was engaged you would have left as well, no? He said one thing while living another.

Best of everything. And, not to make light of your pain, it could have been worse. You could have invested a lot more time and resources into the relationship before finding out.

Edited because I have not yet had coffee and missed about half of the words I wanted to put in there.

< Message edited by SlipSlidingAway -- 8/14/2012 6:39:14 AM >

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 6

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:35:49 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I need to know what is the norm in the BDSM world about exclusivity.

There is no norm. There is only what you want, and what he wants. Everything else is bullshit.

quote:

do I have a right to demand exclusivity

Being a submissive or slave has no bearing on whether or not exclusivity should be included. With that said, No one has the right to demand anything from a partner.
However, you do have the right to ask.

Having a relationship under the umbrella of BDSM is no different than having one under the heading of 'vanilla'. The same rules apply. I find it horrifying that mature adults, when venturing forth into this realm, lose all form of common sense and decency.

The man you are referring to obviously was a fucktard. Seriously. Would you put up with someone lying and cheating on you if they were NOT involved in BDSM?
Somehow I doubt it.
So why the fuck would you think that you have to now?

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 7

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:40:07 AM

PlayWithMe911

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

I respect your advice and I definitely have learned. At the time I created my account, I was just looking. There doesn't seem to be a place to change your username. If anyone can get me in touch with a system administrator for this site, I'd appreciate it.

I made it clear in my profile I was looking for a LTR. We were dating. We went out to dinner, vegged out in front of the TV, even had evenings where we just talked and cuddled. He would always be available when I called or texted. Toward the end, he slept over.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 8

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:42:23 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity?

Absolutely. And the fact that he felt that he needed to lie about it proves that he is untrustworthy. Were it me, it would cause me to ask "what makes me think I'm the only piece of tail he has on the side? What else has he told me that has been a lie? Did he lie when he said he was clean too? "

I'm monogamous. If Master were not also monogamous, he would not be my Master. It's a deal-breaker for me and I walk.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 9

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:43:52 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

You can't change your name. You CAN close the account and open a new one with a new name. Smart thing to do.

Good luck,

sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 10

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:52:20 AM

PlayWithMe911

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity?

Absolutely. And the fact that he felt that he needed to lie about it proves that he is untrustworthy. Were it me, it would cause me to ask "what makes me think I'm the only piece of tail he has on the side? What else has he told me that has been a lie? Did he lie when he said he was clean too? "

I'm monogamous. If Master were not also monogamous, he would not be my Master. It's a deal-breaker for me and I walk.

Thank God we always used protection. In hindsight, it was probably to protect his fiance, but in the end it protected me too since who's to say there isn't an "other-other" woman.

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 11

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 6:59:40 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

It sounds like he was a very proficient liar as well as a cheater. You are well rid of him, so don't go back, no matter how much he says he misses you.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Please learn your lessons from it and then move on. Because yes, there are good men out there, there are even some great ones !!

_____________________________

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 12

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 7:24:28 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

best of luck for you, OP.. it sounds like you are not an idiot, and you have learned from this experience. Don't let it jade you though.. there ARE good men out there (too bad there is SO much chaff to sift before the wheat shows up! LOL)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 13

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 7:27:17 AM

SpaceSpank

Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline

You have the right to request whatever style relationship you wish.

In this case he lied to you before you ever had any sort of D/s or M/S relationship. Plain and simple he was responsible for his actions and fucked up.

You're were well within your rights to walk away. It would have been the same had he decided he really wanted to be poly afterwards. That was not what was agreed upon, so you would have every right to say no, and then "fuck you I'm gone" if he persisted.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 14

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 7:31:23 AM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

fast reply-

I didn't read a darn thing because it changes my answer not one bit. If you want exclusive, then look for exclusive. A subbie that doesn't want to share needs to be looking for a dom that does not want to share. Further, if there is a spouse or other current partner, it already is not exclusive and it is foolish to think it is going to change later. Sometimes people come to be open to not being exclusive, but that is not exactly the norm either. Look for what you want. If you settle for someone who wants very different things, regardless of relationship position, do not be surprised when those things end the relationship.

SD

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 15

RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 7:43:42 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

fast reply-

I didn't read a darn thing because it changes my answer not one bit. If you want exclusive, then look for exclusive. A subbie that doesn't want to share needs to be looking for a dom that does not want to share. Further, if there is a spouse or other current partner, it already is not exclusive and it is foolish to think it is going to change later. Sometimes people come to be open to not being exclusive, but that is not exactly the norm either. Look for what you want. If you settle for someone who wants very different things, regardless of relationship position, do not be surprised when those things end the relationship.

SD

I'm assuming you meant that as general advice, yes?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 16

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 7:47:19 AM

kanina

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911

... it's harder for a slave to lose her Master than a Master to lose a slave.

That is not true. First because if a person has feeling for the other doesn't matter the title. Second because it is easier to find a dom then a slave

_____________________________

Non nobis, domine, sed domine Tuo da gloriam

(in reply to PlayWithMe911)

Post #: 17

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 7:54:16 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

Second because it is easier to find a dom thAn a slave

No, it isn't any easier if what you WANT is something that isn't disposable. It goes both ways.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to kanina)

Post #: 18

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 7:57:14 AM

kanina

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

Second because it is easier to find a dom thAn a slave

No, it isn't any easier if what you WANT is something that isn't disposable. It goes both ways.

It does. but generally i think it is.

Sorry for the mistake, make English isn't good. But I'm practicing.

_____________________________

Non nobis, domine, sed domine Tuo da gloriam

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 19

RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 8:05:30 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

He has a right to tell you you can't demand exclusivity...and you have a right to walk.
And the lying, yeah, that's a good reason to walk.

This stuff ain't complex. He can demand anything...and she can always leave if she don't like it.
You know, like any and every other kind of relationship.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to kanina)

Post #: 20

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