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RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 2:56:09 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat713


I don't think there is anything wrong with her username or that it suggests anything other than her being playful.






I stated my opinion, as did you. We appear to disagree, it's what humans often do.


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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 2:57:59 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		The thIng that causes me to shake my head is that One enters a M/s dynamic with someone and then finds out they are engaged. It makes me wonder what kind of due dilegence was done in the first place

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 3:08:54 PM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		Not that it's always, or even that often the case... but some people are REALLY good at lying and misdirecting attention.

It's quite possible that there were no obvious signs about until much later.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

The thIng that causes me to shake my head is that One enters a M/s dynamic with someone and then finds out they are engaged. It makes me wonder what kind of due dilegence was done in the first place


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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:00:49 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpaceSpank

Not that it's always, or even that often the case... but some people are REALLY good at lying and misdirecting attention.

It's quite possible that there were no obvious signs about until much later.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

The thIng that causes me to shake my head is that One enters a M/s dynamic with someone and then finds out they are engaged. It makes me wonder what kind of due dilegence was done in the first place




More often than not... People are believing what they want to hear.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:20:56 PM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

More often than not... People are believing what they want to hear.


This is so true.

You hear all the stories that friends tell others that it is not right. The rose coloured glasses get so fogged up. When the 2 by 4 hits them across the back of the head, then the light operates over their head and then they have the balls sometimes to say to the friends ...why did you not open my eyes sooner....

Like the OPS reading what the want to read in the replies and the others they then condencend.

IMHO...reminds me of the story of....does my arse look big in this....YES....and....how old do you think I am....85 bitch.....LOL.



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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:22:58 PM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FrankAr


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

More often than not... People are believing what they want to hear.


This is so true.

You hear all the stories that friends tell others that it is not right. The rose coloured glasses get so fogged up. When the 2 by 4 hits them across the back of the head ( metaphorically speaking ) , then the light operates over their head and then they have the balls sometimes to say to the friends ...why did you not open my eyes sooner....

Like so many times on these boards the OPS reading what they want to read in the replies and the others they then condencend.

IMHO...reminds me of the story of....does my arse look big in this....YES....and....how old do you think I am....85 bitch.....LOL.





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Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:23:35 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

The thIng that causes me to shake my head is that One enters a M/s dynamic with someone and then finds out they are engaged. It makes me wonder what kind of due dilegence was done in the first place



I was wondering the same thing. How do you call someone "Master" when you don't seem to know much about him or his life? Maybe my idea of calling someone "Master" is radically different for me.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:24:17 PM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		wrong button click...LOL.


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Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:30:24 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

More often than not... People are believing what they want to hear.


Yes, this is true, sometimes. Sometimes predators and manipulators prey on others and/or manipulate them. If someone sets out to deceive, they can be very good at it. I'm not saying the 'victim' has no responsibility, in fact I am a big proponent of personal responsibility, I'm saying that unless you've been in the situation, it's hard to understand how persuasive and logical a liar can be. I have known many smart people to be taken in by one and they were not wishing to believe a fairy tale.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:42:34 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

More often than not... People are believing what they want to hear.


Yes, this is true, sometimes. Sometimes predators and manipulators prey on others and/or manipulate them. If someone sets out to deceive, they can be very good at it. I'm not saying the 'victim' has no responsibility, in fact I am a big proponent of personal responsibility, I'm saying that unless you've been in the situation, it's hard to understand how persuasive and logical a liar can be. I have known many smart people to be taken in by one and they were not wishing to believe a fairy tale.


This is true. If he was not living with his fiancee, it would actually be fairly to appear not involved to an outsider.


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RE: Does a sub have a right to claim exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 4:59:08 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911

It was painful but I did walk away. It was the hardest thing to do because as you can imagine, it's harder for a slave to lose her Master than a Master to lose a slave.

He says he wants to be friends because he misses me, but what absolutely kills me is that he still denies that this other woman exists or that he even proposed, but I've found other sites proving that she's a bigger part of his life than I am... his REAL life apparently. (sigh) I know there are good Masters out there but it's just so discouraging.


You already got some very good advice but I want to say something anyway. My slave is part of my life, part of ME...losing him would be like suffering an amputation. Extremely. Painful. Find someone who feels that way about you.

Next subject. You two were together r/t, not just cyberly. The only way I can imagine his pulling this off, leading a double life, is if he were able to keep the two of you separate. She didn't know about you. Have you stayed overnight at his home? Been introduced to his family, friends, co-workers as his girl friend? It would be mighty hard hard to keep relationships compartmentalized if every significant other expected to be known by family and friends. Somewhere in these boards or over at Fet I told how I went to bo's house several times, met his neighbors, his best friend, his sister and mom, before having sex with him. I wanted to be certain there were no other women, that his family and friends would know I was in his life and if there was someone else she would rip him a new ass and introduce herself to me.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't even remain friends with someone who had kept me as his dirty little secret and lied to me about being the only one. He is either hoping you will change your mind and believe him in spite of the pictures and time stamps or that you will get lonely and the two of you can remain friends with benefits. If you feel any guilt for not believing him, or for leaving him, and have a weak moment where you want to get back with him...before handing over the cookie, see to it that he introduces you to, and claims you as his, in front of his friends and family. At the very least, I am more troublesome than you are and would write to his "fiancee" and let her know how long he has been your lover...and give her an opportunity to catch him visiting you.

There is a small chance that the camera was programmed with the wrong year and that this stuff is indeed old news. That's why meeting his family and friends, meeting him at his job to go with him for lunch, marking my territory at his home and contacting that other woman would be something I would investigate before making my decision.

I agree about your username needing to be changed. I think you will need to delete this profile and make yourself a new one though, but maybe I'm wrong. Rest and recover from this before looking to hook up with anyone else, your head will be clear by then and someone won't be trying to take advantage of your pain. (I used to have a friend who easily got laid by telling each heartbroken girl what a bastard her ex was, that the ex didn't deserve to have her.)

Take your time. The right one for you is out there somewhere, it's only a matter of searching, time and patience and before you find each other.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 5:00:52 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911
As a slave/sub, do I have a right to demand exclusivity?

Yes!!! You need to discuss and negotiate that right up front. If it's a limit for you, it's a limit and you need to let him know that right out of the gate. Or maybe before you leave the gate. Not everyone is cut out for poly. Also, it sounds like he lied to you in the beginning anyway. You do NOT deserve to be lied to.

NBMG

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/14/2012 5:44:20 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


This is true. If he was not living with his fiancee, it would actually be fairly to appear not involved to an outsider.



She said he has slept over and always answered her calls/texts. It would be hard to tell in her case since it seems that he is not living with the fiancee. My brother once had 2 steady gf's when he was young, maybe more. When the two found out about each other they both commented that they never suspected, that he always seemed to be with them- how would he have had the time to pull off another woman? Who knows how, but he did, and without the obvious tell tale signs of not being available at times.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/15/2012 12:31:35 AM   
PlayWithMe911


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline 		I’m going to answer some of CynthiaWVirginia’s questions, but if you don’t want to hear the soap opera-ish details, feel free to skip over this post.

I live alone and he said he lived with roommates that would not understand our lifestyle, so I was trained at my place. I definitely did not want to advertise my new lifestyle to the world, either. Not long after, my mom began dying of cancer. My sisters tended to her during the day and I tended to her during the evenings after work and on weekends. This ordeal lasted for about 4 1/2 months before she died. During this time we only saw each other a few times and I remember most of it being spent leaning/crying on his shoulder. Immediately after the funeral, I had to pack up to move to my new house. After such a long lapse, it felt like we had to start over, but we did and it was a happy, happy reunion. We progressed in our training/lifestyle. I suggested spending time at his place. He skirted the topic (first red flag). After that, I said I felt like he was hiding me so it’s time we met each other’s family. He said it’s been a very long time since he’s brought anyone home (second red flag). That’s when I started searching the internet and found the wedding registry. I confronted him with it, but he said it was before we met and they were just “playing house”. There was no time stamp on the wedding registry so I could not verify this. Later, I again asked to meet his family and he again said no. I continued to search and eventually found the site with the photos. These time stamps were the website’s time stamps, not on the photo from the camera. Two long phone calls and the next day, I said I needed to get away from “us” to get perspective. After thinking for a very long time about all the inconsistencies in his story, I texted him and said it was over. He continues to claim they are old sites and says he can’t keep defending himself, but can he still be my friend.

Yes I was naïve and stupid for thinking people are generally good and don’t mean me harm. For those of you that are thinking “how can he be that convincing”, you should know he’s a police office and in my opinion they’re taught how to defuse dangerous situations by just talking people out of it. Besides, I doubt I was the first so he probably had all these excuses lined up.

It’s pointless to tell his fiancé, because he’ll just say I’m some obsessed ex trying to cause trouble. Besides, after being with him for 5+ years and she still hasn’t seen the signs, then she’s really deeper under than I was and will believe him.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/15/2012 12:38:12 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

Kind of something a person should know when they engage.


Which is the key here.
It's not the quasi poly acts, it's the lying about it.
Had she known in advance she wouldn't have gone in. And if she had known in advance and still gone in, that would be on her

As happens quite often, Kana, we agree.


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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/15/2012 12:56:29 AM   
BoundSlave4Life


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		The Poly isn't what would be an issue for me. It's the lying. If I was EVER lied to by Master... about ANYTHING, I would be out the door so fast that Master's head would spin.
How can someone trust you to place them in a compromising position (Bondage, Caging, Ect) if you lie to them?

Edit - I'm really interested to see what OP named her new profile. I'm rather curious.

< Message edited by BoundSlave4Life -- 8/15/2012 12:57:48 AM >

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/15/2012 3:40:14 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for the update. I know how persuasive liars can be, hopefully eventually you find them out as you did, but that takes a bit of time. It's not like the red flags are usually out in full force from the get go. When you did find out then you left...all good sense on your part. I truly hope you don't do the 'friend' thing with him. Why would he deserve your friendship if he is a liar? You've decided to move on, to hold onto the friendship would only hold you back.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/15/2012 4:58:47 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		shouts out to BoundSlave4Life



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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/15/2012 7:02:22 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayWithMe911

Yes I was naïve and stupid for thinking people are generally good and don’t mean me harm. For those of you that are thinking “how can he be that convincing”, you should know he’s a police office and in my opinion they’re taught how to defuse dangerous situations by just talking people out of it. Besides, I doubt I was the first so he probably had all these excuses lined up.

It’s pointless to tell his fiancé, because he’ll just say I’m some obsessed ex trying to cause trouble. Besides, after being with him for 5+ years and she still hasn’t seen the signs, then she’s really deeper under than I was and will believe him.



Ah....my ex was a police officer so I know how they can lie. I don't want to say ALL of them lie, but at least here in the NY area, everyone I know who dated or married one, would agree.

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RE: Does a sub have a right to demand exclusivity? - 8/15/2012 7:25:06 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundSlave4Life

The Poly isn't what would be an issue for me. It's the lying.


What she described is not poly!


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)
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