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collared but allowed to play .... - 6/10/2006 5:31:51 PM   
elsie


Posts: 28
Joined: 10/21/2004
Status: offline 		Hello,

i just have a question about a friend of mine who is having a small dilemma.  She is collared but it's not a 24/7 type of thing, She has been given permission to play, by her Master, with a suitable partner as he is not able to be there for her all the time.

What i would like to know is, why is it she will get responses to her profile but when she informs whomever, that she is collared with expressed permission to seek a casual play partner and also let's them know she not only belongs to the BDSM lifestyle but is a swinger too, these "Doms" just disappear with out even a "sorry, not what i'm looking for".  Are they just rude? wannabes? what's the deal?

Thank you for your responses in advance,

elsie aka nara, owned and devoted to Mistress Tmtashn
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/10/2006 5:38:43 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		She should explain her situation in her profile.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to elsie)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/10/2006 6:02:36 PM   
leatherorlace


Posts: 215
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline 		I agree since, I found some contradictions between the post and profile.
Gentry
quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

She should explain her situation in her profile.

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/10/2006 6:20:55 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		Fast reply to OP:

In my experience I have found that most do not want an involvement with a collared person, regardless of your claims to be a swinger or whatever else.

(in reply to leatherorlace)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/10/2006 6:33:33 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Fast reply to OP:

In my experience I have found that most do not want an involvement with a collared person, regardless of your claims to be a swinger or whatever else.


I would agree with this. If someone is collered that's that...not interested in someone elses sloppy seconds. The reality is that lots of dominants by our very nature are selfish we want it all and what you have to offier isn't that.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/10/2006 9:04:22 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I think the swinger thing may frighten some little people away.  In addition, I consider collars to quite often be signs of stupidity, certainly not always but for people to wear collars of people they are not living with, well in my personal experience it is a red flag.

BEFORE I GET FLAMED TO DEATH, I REALIZE THERE ARE MANY WHO DO JUST THAT, WOO HOO FOR YOU!

For me, unless you are a really hotshot dominant, letting others who are local play with a submissive you can't spend enough time with, well...it can work, has worked, but far more often...somebody is looking for a new neck for their now empty collar.

As for what this woman should do, explain it all on her profile clearly and those who don't like it will stop responding, if they do delete them and look for the gold among the dross.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/10/2006 9:41:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		The dominant I used to see had been in the swinging lifestyle about a decade before we had been involved. He had a girlfriend he would go to swinging clubs with and they played with other couples. He made an observation about both lifestyles, they did not mesh well at all even though they shared things in common.

He said that D/s couples often were not as open about "sharing" as swining couples, and swingers tended to look at D/s as abusive. They do not seem to understand that the woman in a D/s relationship is not a doormat. The swinging women especially had a problem with it, at least from what he witnessed.

Perhaps it is the term swinger that is the turn off for some of the dominants she has talked to. I do not know if the above is true or not, because it is all second hand observation, but perhaps there are a lot of prejudices that both groups have to one another? Perhaps someone else posting on this thread has some knowledge on this that I lack?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to elsie)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 12:32:32 AM   
WolfinShadow


Posts: 27
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: twin cities Minnesota
Status: offline 		Well , where to start .... Guess I will go hard nosed first ,

Many " Dominants " dont like Playig with others submissives/slaves/bottoms because they feel they will be judged on their preformance by the owner. Add to this the connection to being a swinger and your friend is going to decrease their odds tremendously for essentually for the same reason , Some males will feel they dont " measure up" and might be judged as a " Lesser man" because By telling them she is a swinger she is saying she wants SEX GASP and D/s isnt about sex .... well for some its not . you have to imagine that a few " dominants" are in this lifestyle because well ... again I am being brutal and only talking about a FEW here , not gerneralizing or saying that present company is included so no flames please... I am going to say it ... out loud .. right here in the open .


Some " Dominants" are " Dominants'' cause they are impotent , Yup I said it , and as you can imagine having to preform makes em a bit skidish.

Not saying these are the reasons , Just SOME reasons and with each she lowers the percentage of possible partners , Add to this the Posessive , the Monogamous who want a relationship , those IN relationships or seeking that Fabled " Third" and she has a very small pond to fish in .

Now though I know that for quite a few people BDSM and sex do not mix , and those who combine BDSM and swinging or swapping are few and far between they are out there people . Just not that many . Ask to the Stigma BDSM holds in the Swingers realms . well the times they are a changin!!! I was there at the Back table where those sick sadists hung out at swingers events waiting for the adventerous ::smile:: and Now I am One of the BDSM " experts" < no I dont believe that LOL > Who is presenting at " Swingstock" this year as well as negotiating with the HUHE " Lifestyles inc" to present at their 9 resorts around the country and the world . Believe me the Swingers Minds are changing . So if there is a Stigma of Sex and BDSM to look to , its in our own back yard.

All and All I think your Friend needs to keep the dwindling percentages in mind , be patient and keep looking , what she seeks is out there and if she lives in Minnesota i might even take a look at her myself , Just to help our of course ::smile::: you believe that right?

_____________________________

Wolf
Headmaster Shadow academy
Minnesotas first and only BDSM school

(in reply to elsie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 4:54:59 AM   
Sab


Posts: 325
Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I don't know if this will help your friend - but my sub is collared and if another dom was to mail her I would be furious, many, and I would say most dom/me's here respect the word collar(ed) and respectfully accept that she is.

Your friend, as others have said here, must explain her situation very clearly - and not in a reply to a mail - there, in bold, on her profile. then she will get the responses she wants.


_____________________________

God blessed it and it brought me to her.

(in reply to WolfinShadow)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 6:34:27 AM   
LordAmra


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not too sure I agree with some of what has been said.

Yes, a profile, properly filled out helps anyone wishing to contact someone else on here chose if that person is in some way compatible to them. However, conversation can be just as, if not more revealing then even the best thought out profile.

As such, I agree she should define her situation, but I think the main issue is more the fact that some Dominants are not interested in playing with other Dominants property, whether permission is given or not. There is allways a limit to what an owned sub/slave will be able to do with the "stand-in" Master. And there in My opinion, lies the problem.

(in reply to Sab)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 8:18:53 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I was taught that the protocol for playing with someone else's submissive, is that it all comes from that submissive's Dominant.

While we frequently will play with collared submissives we always approach the Dominant first.

Any submissive that comes to us saying she's allowed to play is subject to scepticism until we've talked to her Dom.

So, I suspect, she's being viewed as a cheater and that's why they walk away.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LordAmra)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 11:43:34 AM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: elsie

Hello,

i just have a question about a friend of mine who is having a small dilemma.  She is collared but it's not a 24/7 type of thing, She has been given permission to play, by her Master, with a suitable partner as he is not able to be there for her all the time.

What i would like to know is, why is it she will get responses to her profile but when she informs whomever, that she is collared with expressed permission to seek a casual play partner and also let's them know she not only belongs to the BDSM lifestyle but is a swinger too, these "Doms" just disappear with out even a "sorry, not what i'm looking for".  Are they just rude? wannabes? what's the deal?

Thank you for your responses in advance,

elsie aka nara, owned and devoted to Mistress Tmtashn
IMO...common sense may say that said "Doms" wanted their own submissive not someone elses..also it seems to me that for the most part if a Dominant is seeking ,he is seeking a more LTR rather than play...please note I mean most not all...be well..Tempting

(in reply to elsie)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 2:19:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub
IMO...common sense may say that said "Doms" wanted their own submissive not someone elses..also it seems to me that for the most part if a Dominant is seeking ,he is seeking a more LTR rather than play...please note I mean most not all...be well..Tempting

It depends.  There are doms for which it is nearly a kink in itself to take subs in LDRs and be their "protectors/mentors/surrogates."

It gives them the fun, the publicity and attention of having a harem, "respect from the community" by spawning their little newbie clan, without any of the day to day responsibilities.

That's not everyone- I'm open to a regular play relationship with someone who is collared to another, but that's just for fun and nothing more.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 9:36:42 PM   
xxmstrchasxx


Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

She is collared


Out of respect for her Dom, I would have to talk to the Dom before anything would ever happen.

_____________________________

XxMasterChasxX

(in reply to elsie)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 9:57:06 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sab

if another dom was to mail her I would be furious



Furious?  Seriously? 

I could never even get upset by someone I didn't know doing something as harmless as sending an email.  It seems you are giving a lot of your power away to random strangers if such a thing can really make you furious.

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Sab)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 10:43:56 PM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		my situation is vaguely similar to your friend's...i am collared to a man i love more than life itself, but though He doesn't wish for me to play with others in terms of bdsm play, He does want me to have sexual experiences with others, since He's much older than i am and the majority of my sexual experiences have been with Him. it has nothing to do with whether or not He plays with others, or the time issue...He doesn't, and when He's not working He's either winding down from work, doing daily stuff, or we are together. i am not particularly comfortable with the idea, or i wasn't at first, but i understand why He wishes it and He's giving me plenty of space to grow into it and do it in my own time and my own comfort. as far as getting to know people as potential sexual partners...generally it (collar) doesn't present problems for me...i don't really look for people to play with on here because of the distance issue and the fact that i NEED to learn how to actually casually date people offline. the two relationships i had before mine with Him were long-distance relationships that started out online (mine with Him did not). when the situation arises where i might be having sex with someone else, if i'm comfortable with that person and we're both comfortable with the fact that it's not going to be a longstanding thing, i do talk about my relationship arrangement. bdsm enters into it based on how much i think the other person might be comfortable with.

from what i've seen, there are many doms and/or tops who are perfectly willing to play with someone else's submissive. in my understanding, topping is centered around scening, so it would make sense for tops to be more open to scening with others than people who are used to having a collared submissive, because those who are used to having a submissive of their own might be less inclined to "borrow" someone else's from time to time.


_____________________________

i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 10:48:02 PM   
Sweetheart1159


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline 		I agree,
If she is really "free to play" then the Dom should post.
Doms tend to respect other Doms' "property".
I suppose some Doms might "want" to share.
But many do not.
I think Doms love the power of their domination and Control and don't want to give that away.
Although, maybe some like to "watch"?
"Control" who she sees?
Just some thoughts...


(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 10:58:09 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I wouldn't be interested in getting involved with something like this either, and my problem is that the situation doesn't add up.  OK, I understand that her master can't be with her for whatever reason--but why exactly does that mean she needs to find someone else?  Unless all she's looking for is sex while her master is away, and at this stage of my life I'm not interested in something that's going to be ONLY sexual.

quote:

ORIGINAL: elsie

i just have a question about a friend of mine who is having a small dilemma.  She is collared but it's not a 24/7 type of thing, She has been given permission to play, by her Master, with a suitable partner as he is not able to be there for her all the time.

(in reply to elsie)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 11:06:35 PM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I wouldn't be interested in getting involved with something like this either, and my problem is that the situation doesn't add up.  OK, I understand that her master can't be with her for whatever reason--but why exactly does that mean she needs to find someone else? 


i agree with this...i would not seek sexual companionship because He doesn't have time for me (time has been an issue lately, for both of us)...sex with someone else in no way would serve to replace even a moment of time with Him. that does sound a little odd.

quote:

Unless all she's looking for is sex while her master is away, and at this stage of my life I'm not interested in something that's going to be ONLY sexual.


but this part of the situation doesn't make me feel as though it doesn't add up...though i don't understand it because i'm really -not- personally inclined to it, there are a fair amount of people who actually like no-strings-attached sex.  


_____________________________

i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: collared but allowed to play .... - 6/11/2006 11:43:46 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Honestly, I don't think most doms are looking for purely no-strings sex either.  Maybe some are, but it's always seemed pointless and empty to me.  If that's what she's looking for, God bless, but she should understand that many men aren't going to be interested.  My suspicion is that it's not what she's looking for, and that's why I say the situation doesn't completely add up.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fullofgrace

quote:

Unless all she's looking for is sex while her master is away, and at this stage of my life I'm not interested in something that's going to be ONLY sexual.


but this part of the situation doesn't make me feel as though it doesn't add up...though i don't understand it because i'm really -not- personally inclined to it, there are a fair amount of people who actually like no-strings-attached sex.  

(in reply to fullofgrace)
Profile   Post #: 20
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