NuevaVida
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Joined: 8/5/2008
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I loved your OP, KoM, and yes, I do have minefields.
The first one that came up between the Mister and I was about loading the dishwasher, of all things. Long story short, after I left my marriage, it took me about a year to be able to load my dishwasher without crying. Sounds silly, but it's true.
So one night, about a year into the relationship, I was loading Mister's dishwasher. He came in and rearranged some things in it. I stuttered a bit, feeling nervous about it. He grinned and jokingly said, "You'd think by now you'd know how to load a dishwasher." This triggered an anxiety attack for me. I literally stopped breathing. I didn't want to make a scene about it, especially since his daughter was home and she doesn't need my issues in her life. So I quickly walked into the bathroom, closed the door, and fell apart.
I knew what this came from. I knew it had nothing to do with him at all, and I was reacting to my ex husband and his years of verbal abuse because the spoons were spooning or because a glass still had specs on it after the dishwasher had run. I knew this. The Mister knocked on the door and asked if I was OK and I said yes, but I was dealing with stuff and can we talk about it when we go to bed?
So at bed time he had me kneeling on the floor and he sat at the edge of his bed and I explained to him what happened. I told him I'm not going to apologize for being abused, but I *am* sorry that it affects him, too. He scooped me up in his arms, rocked me while I cried, and said he didn't want me loading his dishwasher anymore, until I felt comfortable doing so. And I smiled while he kissed my tears away, and said "I have dishwasher trauma!" to which he laughed.
There are other landmines, too, some of them much more involved than loading a dishwasher. They come about rarely, but the last one - a few days after last Christmas - was very big and we both had a bad knee-jerk reaction to it. Apparently my reaction touched one of *his* landmines and we exploded. It took us about a week to talk it through, and months to fully recover from, but our relationship became much, much stronger after that.
We've never done safe words before, but because of that last occurrence, he put a safe word in place for me, in case something like that comes up again, when I can't find words to express myself and flip out, instead. This will immediately tell him an internal landmine has exploded and I need help, pronto. At that point, whatever is going on will stop and he'll help me find my grounding again so we can talk through it.
For the most part, I'm fully aware of my landmine territory and when one's been stepped on, and at the time I know I'm not reacting to him in the present, but to something in the past. I'm able to tell him this, and we move through it very quickly. But that one explosion opened our eyes and allowed us to put tools in place so we can deal with big ones in a constructive manner going forward.
By the way, I'm able to load the dishwasher without any issues, now. Even if he rearranges it. 
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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.
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Minefield - 
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) and I know what sets me off. Most of mine are verbal, or memory-related, so it's tricky for other people and mostly I can suppress my reactions. But do not EVER pull at my clothes without telling me what you are doing first, and clearing it with me. Just say, "Hon, your skirt is hanging crooked" and let me fix it. Don't pull my hair. (caress my hair, run your hands through it, but NO PULLING). Never ever try to restrict my breathing. Sure, you can try any of those things. I will happily drive you to the ED afterward. Angry Hib = Dangerous Hib. 
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