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subgtrplayer -> RE: My Dilemma (8/18/2012 10:13:42 PM)
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Miss Alecta -
I've been with my wife for 30 years, longer than you've been alive. Clearly, I've not been able to express the full details of my relationship in the few paragraphs of my post. Suffice it to say that I have done my share of meeting my wife halfway. I cook, I clean, I care for my children, I support my family, and I make constant attempts to divine what is in my wife's heart. She is, by nature, an uncommunicative person. These types of people do exist. Mostly, they are men. Sometimes, however, they are women. My wife does not like to express her feelings. To anyone. At my urging, we have attended couples therapy, twice. Our last therapist told me that unfortunately, due to her general low-level depression and her mother issues, I was "not on my wife's radar" most of the time, and this was not likely to improve. She, on the other hand, is always on mine. Maybe it is the sub in me, but I'm always trying to find out what she wants and needs. We're talking little shit like flowers, dinners, etc., and big shit, like vacations, where she wants to live, whether she wants to work or stay at home. But if someone won't ever tell you anything, there is a limit. I'm not Nostradamus. And it is very wearing to live like that.
It may surprise you that it is not enough for me to know that she expresses her love by stacking my clean laundry in color order and by preference in my closet. Sex and submissiveness aside, I would like to have some physical contact, or perhaps have her tell me verbally that she loves me. These are not things that she is particularly comfortable with, and even though I have told her it would mean a lot to me, it's clear after all of this time that she is not going to change.
You seem very sure about what women (especially my wife) need, and particularly sure that the issues in our relationship are my fault. You seem sure of what I have and haven't done these last three decades. Your tone is hostile. Why so angry? Is it OK that I have needs too? Is it allowed for me to wish that they were met?
If things were so simple, one way or the other, I would not be posting here. I don't need anyone's permission. I seek advice from those who have had successful BDSM relationships. I'm trying to find out what the upside might possibly be for me to leave. I know what I would be losing. On the other hand, I have been married for nearly 30 years to someone who is emotionally crippled in a way that has caused me considerable pain for quite a bit of that time. This is someone who won't hold hands, who won't hug, who doesn't say "I love you" (not to the kids either, by the way, although she clearly loves them). This is difficult to live with, although we have all learned to deal with it. But life is not that simple, your snarky reply notwithstanding. She is also someone who has had my back in too many ways to count, who had raised a family with me, and who has been a partner and best friend. In a way, I am asking for help in performing a Cost Benefit Analysis.
So thank all of you so much for all of the helpful and thoughtful replies. And for those who messaged me, thanks for that too. And Miss Alecta, I know you must think that being 28 makes you old enough to lecture me on marriage and relationships and the opposite sex, even though I have socks older than you. A word of advice: if you are ever serious about communicating with another person, doing so in a scornful, hostile tone will almost completely guarantee zero chance at a real exchange of ideas.
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