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MsMillgrove -> RE: My Dilemma (8/28/2012 6:21:23 PM)
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I read every word. My heart goes out to both halves of the couple. I had a lot of questions about loose ends. At least there was an update, so readers could know what happened. get some resolution on a few things (ie the thryroid). SS post about what the OP would lose--all those detials of everyday life--truly a masterpiece of a post as others noted.
One statement that MzBree dropped into her offensive comments is likely true: if the wife knew--she would likely feel betrayed, horribly humiliated to have her business out on the street with strangers.
It is at least encouraging that the OP recognizes he has a window of opportunity--to consider changes. However, I suspect, there won't be many changes. Why? Because he says, "we will be downsizing and moving to a smaller home and location". He has real estate issues mixed into life choices.
This might be a bit hard to explain with clarity--but if you've owned a home for most of your adult life--your way of thinking--it's not the same
as someone who has rented, or bought a condo. That house, the investment, the identity of "homeowner", it inflences your thinking, your decisions in ways you don't recognize.
You don't realize how much power this Homeownership identity has on you.
Strange as this is going to sound, I think some good advice to the OP would be to offer this idea: What if you sell the house and do NOT move, do NOT buy another smaller home. What is this new location?
Why do you automatically believe that you have to live in a smaller house? You see yourself and your wife in that smaller house, too.
What would your life be like if you moved into a very different atmostphere, different kind of life than you have lived before?
Would that maybe open you up dramatically to beginning a truly new life? You are clinging, unconciously to the safety, security of what you built. You are mixing up "possessions", "home" with desires, emotions, memories.
The comment made repeatedly by Chatte was therapy--NOT for the couple, but for the OP. If he's going to really chose to live a life of his own--on his own, without his wife in the same dwelling, lovingly doing his laundry--then he needs help in figuring out now, how should he structure this life. What are a few reasonable expectations for it? How will the holidays be spent? How will new traditions be forged with the adult children? Will he make a space for his college aged daughter, to spend time with him on her vacations or maybe while she does an internship?
Kink and submission are so low on the list of things the OP needs to consider in making this big life decision. I honestly think that they are the easiest to satisfy...if he does decide to get out. It's the process of getting out, of salvaging as much as possible, of finding the way to feel that he's done his best for his wife, making her a partner in their furure--albeit one that might not include living together. She's so incommunicative, he needs help (such as a therapist, lawyer, accountants might offer) to figure out how to make her comfortable without being tied too tightly to her.
A friend of mine for 40 yrs, had a wife he loved dearly, the soulmate whose problems because so overwhelming that years of couples therapy, medication, coping--nothing could help her be in a place of partnership in their relationship. He finally got a therapist for himself, the lawyer, the accountant. At retirement age--over 60, he did make a new life, with similiar serious health scares (cancer etc) and what looked like a very impossible past track record--he believed he could do it. He went on 60 coffee dates. and finally on number 60, he met a widow who really was his match.. and they
made an life together for their "amazing ten years". It can be done. I saw it happen.
OP: You just probably shouldn't try to get your advice on "how-to" thru Collarme. This is a case for the life choice professionals to advise on -- with the belief that you can have what you want without destroying someone else. You have the skills, money, brains to do it, if you goes about it in the right way with a confident, loving attitude.
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