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SlipSlidingAway -> RE: My Dilemma (8/22/2012 4:41:19 AM)
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OP, you have a very similar, but very different, situation than I do. I'm married too. I'm female, but submissive, and my husband does not really understand any of this, either. That said, he's not my soul mate, he does not communicate with me in ways that I can relate to, he does not seem to understand who I am as a person apart from the D/s. We don't have a great vanilla foundation, no shared activities, and not a lot of general good will to go around. To be quite honest, right about now? I wish that I had YOUR life...
Now, please don't be offended. In an ideal world, we would all have every piece of what we need wrapped up into one person. Ideally, that one person would be who you fall in love with and have as a partner. It seldom works out that way. But, by your own admission, this woman, your best friend and soul mate of 28 years has about 98% of those pieces. While I know sex is important, and that you feel frustrated and cheated in that department, take a long hard look at what life without your spouse is going to look like. No, not the sexual encounters, the freedom, the scenes you are fantasizing about. While those may, or may not, happen- how much of your LIFE will they account for? After that hour or two of sexual tension is relived, what is your life going to look like?
Think of everything that you and your best friend do together. Every day. Now, imagine that GONE. I'm not even going to discuss the guilt that you will have to deal with, or the resentment from this woman who has given you the best years of her life, or the resentment that your children will likely have towards you. No, look at YOUR life. Every single bit of it. The things you do together? Gone. Nights at home watching TV together? Gone. Having someone there if your medical problems return? GONE. A friend that is obviously reliable, loyal, and trustworthy? Gone. All the routines that you and she have built together over 28 years together? Gone. Those neatly folded piles of laundry, your favorite meals prepared because she knows that you love them, vacations, hell even trips together to the grocery store? Nope, nada, all gone...
Imagine an empty house. An empty, lonely life, all in pursuit of sex. While there is something to be said for being alone, rather than being in the wrong relationship, what you have described is a loving and nurturing marriage to someone that you obviously care very deeply about. Throwing that away in pursuit of what? The long and arduous task of trying to find another version of your wife, but one with kink? Do you have any idea how long that sort of thing can take? Sometimes it happens fast, sometimes it can take YEARS, and sometimes it does not happen at all. The sad part is that, by the time you find it (if you ever do)- you may not be where you are at today in terms of neediness. Will it really have been worth what you put your family through? Will it really be worth what you put YOURSELF through? Are you prepared for the possibility that you will live a lonely life in pursuit of kinky relationship sex that you may never find? Are you ready to destroy everything you know, everything you have built together? Intimacy is about a lot more than just sex. You have a woman (right now) who knows you inside and out- and loves you either because (lol or in spite of) everything you are as a man. How awesome is that? Is kneeling and being whipped (or whatever your kink is) worth losing that?
You are not a young man. As was mentioned earlier, the sex will lose emphasis over time. You can find sexual outlets that don't include cheating. The key, though, is to talk to your wife. It sounds like she really loves you. Maybe she would consent to an open marriage of some kind. I don't know her, but I do know that if she loves you, she's going to want you to be happy. If not an open marriage, is she is not okay with a pro-domme? And if not? Maybe rent some videos, read some porn, use your imagination and have at it. I know it's not an ideal solution; but from your description, you don't seem to realize exactly how much what you ALREADY have is worth.
Best of luck to you.
SSA~
Edited because having a soul mate sounded so much better than having a soul mat....darn typos!
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