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RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:15:33 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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OP, I wish you would have responded to my post, since it had nothing to do your potential success at finding a dom partner and everything to do with supporting your need for affection, both emotional and physical, within your marriage.

My advise was therapy. Not b/c I think you're bat shit crazy, but b/c the relationship you have described would have to take it's toll on anyone. (And I *do* think you have enabled your wife.)

A good therapist will do a *much* better job of helping you perform "a Cost Benefit Analysis" than a bunch of strangers on a message board. IMO, your issue has absolutely nothing to do with BDSM, and everything to do with relationships, most especially long term ones which are not fulfilling.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 8/19/2012 6:16:30 AM >

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Post #: 41

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:33:05 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Sounds like you are telling my life story there Peon.... Ze synthroid is ze magic pill!

The only problem is that not all people can handle all forms of synthyroid, you can be a freak like me, some of the fillers block the reception, bit of a pain in the ass getting them shipped over from the continent because the UK doesn't have the ones that my body can metabolize... I'm actually lucky, some people can't metabolize any of the synthetic thyroid meds and have to take Armour (from the glands of pigs) it's unfortunately really really complicated.

Chatte, seriously, with a chemical imbalance NO amount of therapy is going to make a change, NOTHING, you wouldn't advise a diabetic to go to therapy, it's simply that if your body doesn't produce a substance you need to supplement it.

I really don't blame the OP one bit, it's a super complicated issue and most doctors that don't specialize in it are fairly clueless about it, in fact the biggest problem (at least in the UK) is finding a doctor who will refer you to a specialist because thyroid problems manifest often in a way that could have a lot of other causes, it's one of the most misdiagnosed issues.

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Post #: 42

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:41:25 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Sorry Lookie, I was busy typing up my own post, so hadn't read yours.

I can only express my sympathies for your past marriage as well as my appreciation for sharing it here. My gut tells me a woman so closed up emotionally she can't touch her own husband AT ALL has been traumatized in the past, almost certainly by early childhood sexual abuse. Being married to someone who is carrying around this much emotional pain is a huge burden to carry, and although I admire the OP for sticking with it this long, after a time it *does* become enabling.

I wish I had a bright sparkly answer that would help him get what he wants without his wife getting hurt -- I don't. I *do* think it's time for him to start looking out for himself. Everyone deserves to be married to someone who can give them a hug. Everyone.

A therapist will help him see his way through this morass with the minimum of damage of all concerned.

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Post #: 43

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:46:40 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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LadyC I am not recommending therapy for her but for HIM.

She will not make any improvement unless and until it is a priority for her. Perhaps her husband leaving will make it so.

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Post #: 44

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:48:20 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

And she has always been depressed. Sometimes medicated, sometimes not. Sometimes in therapy, sometimes not. She has a horrible family, and her mother is a poster child for borderline personality (narcissism).

Borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are two very different conditions - which was her mother?

quote:

Our last therapist told me that unfortunately, due to her general low-level depression and her mother issues, I was "not on my wife's radar" most of the time, and this was not likely to improve.

Statistically speaking, exercise is the most effective treatment for mild to moderate depression and may play a supporting role in treating severe depression.

Wellbutrin and Remeron are the antidepressants least likely to cause sexual side effects - has she been taking the ones that do cause sexual side effects? I was unable to orgasm when I took Zoloft.

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Post #: 45

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:55:53 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

And she has always been depressed. Sometimes medicated, sometimes not. Sometimes in therapy, sometimes not. She has a horrible family, and her mother is a poster child for borderline personality (narcissism).

Borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are two very different conditions - which was her mother?

quote:

Our last therapist told me that unfortunately, due to her general low-level depression and her mother issues, I was "not on my wife's radar" most of the time, and this was not likely to improve.

Statistically speaking, exercise is the most effective treatment for mild to moderate depression and may play a supporting role in treating severe depression.

Wellbutrin and Remeron are the antidepressants least likely to cause sexual side effects - has she been taking the ones that do cause sexual side effects? I was unable to orgasm when I took Zoloft.

She has thyroid issues, unfortunately most of the antidepressants suppress the thyroid which has a lot to do with the libido, they do need a specialist, women tend to be shy to mention a lacking libido or loss of it, and a lot of docs aren't very understanding, when I mentioned that as part of the side effects and that they should FFS give me the meds I got before as I want to be normal again, I was told that past 30 the libido suffers anyway and that maybe we should see a therapist... You honestly sometimes have to kick up a big fuss to see a specialist, it's about quality of life not the convenience of a lazy GP.

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Post #: 46

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:58:29 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I am asking for help in performing a Cost Benefit Analysis.

To aid you in your analysis, I suggest you spend a few hours reading threads in the Ask A Mistress forum.

And then get a massage.

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RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 6:59:56 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

She has thyroid issues

I was curious as to why the OP is depression depression depression here but thyroid in PM so didn't bring that up.

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Post #: 48

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 7:27:13 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

She has thyroid issues

I was curious as to why the OP is depression depression depression here but thyroid in PM so didn't bring that up.

I do not think he actually linked thyroid and depression, a lot of people, including docs don't even know that

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Post #: 49

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 7:41:12 AM

OttersSwim

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subgtrplayer

In a way, I am asking for help in performing a Cost Benefit Analysis.

The long and short of it.

You will lose your marriage and gain yourself - hopefully.

There are no guarantees that you will meet someone compatible, that you will have a long and wonderful relationship. That depends on you, on Her, on the moon and stars, on intent and luck.

You could end up alone for the rest of your life. However, you would still have yourself - hopefully.

If what you are missing is worth risking what you now have is something that only you can decide. When you are in enough pain, you will make a move. If you never reach that point, you likely won't.

We can't say that it is a 110% party fun planet where you are guaranteed 72 mistresses and a fabulous door prize. Cause it's not. It is relationships between two people. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't, and sometimes you decide not to take a bus that could lead you to that person, and sometimes you take it and you meet and things work and you find happiness in relationship. Chance, intent, and what you do in your life to attract someone and make yourself "a catch".

But first, IMO, you are gonna have to find happiness in yourself, and be -okay- if you never find that certain special someone.

You should sit down and have a real talk with your wife. It may be that you can have both. It may not. Time to find out and gauge the pain either way.

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 8/19/2012 7:44:11 AM >

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Post #: 50

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 9:11:16 AM

LadyPact

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I'm sitting here looking at this thread and surprised by some of it. I guess it's a matter of different personality types. In doing so, I'm not the appropriate person to give you that cost benefit analysis, OP. Mainly because I tend to be exceptionally loyal to My spouse. That stuff that you mentioned earlier about her being right there with you during your illness, etc, really are signs of affection to Me.

I absolutely can handle long periods without romantic affection. No, it hasn't been as long as you, but I find a year to be a good sample time frame. (Due to husband's career.) My personality also makes Me really crappy at things like sport fucking or intimacy by the hour, as the pro recommendations would give you. I'd rather be on My own than do those things. I've done long periods of abstinence and sex just isn't that important to Me. Great when I have it, but with no emotional intimacy, I'd rather do without.

I also can't advise you because we have different perspectives on the way we've lived. I know what living a full time D/s dynamic is and based on that knowledge, I know it's not a requirement to be happy. I have the frame of reference to realize that it's not what most people think it is such as your comment about those amazing ten years.

My hope would be trying again with your wife. There have been a lot of advances with thyroid in particular that could make a huge difference. That little pill could change a lot.

One other thing. You know that thirty years that you gave to your wife? Keep in mind that she gave them to you, too. I can't imagine the loss I would feel if My best friend walked away from Me after all of that time. Yes, other people are going to tell you that you deserve the kind of life that you want, but there's also the part that says this is the life and the person that you signed up for.

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Post #: 51

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 9:16:24 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Thanks, LP. I have my own set of abandonment issues, and if someone left me after thirty years... smh.

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Post #: 52

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 9:34:23 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I absolutely can handle long periods without romantic affection. No, it hasn't been as long as you, but I find a year to be a good sample time frame. (Due to husband's career.) My personality also makes Me really crappy at things like sport fucking or intimacy by the hour, as the pro recommendations would give you. I'd rather be on My own than do those things. I've done long periods of abstinence and sex just isn't that important to Me. Great when I have it, but with no emotional intimacy, I'd rather do without.

It's a female thing, it was a lot easier for me when we had long distance relationship than for him, I easily spend about 3 to 6 months away a year, he spends about 3 months away, I tend to cope with it a lot better than he does.

I see the pro recommendation in case the wife is OK with it not as a substitute for intimacy, but simply as a way to get his needs met in the most ethic way possible, also without causing personal conflict. Let's face it the chance for him to meet a life partner is very small, it would be great if he could get it together with the wife and if that is what works for him, it works. At least it wouldn't add an additional layer of complications and conflicted feelings to the mix, which is the last thing he needs.

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Post #: 53

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 12:55:12 PM

AAkasha

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Losing a best friend of 30 years would be devastating and very hard to deal with, and that's something you'd have to consider. You may find kinky relief but the chances of finding a kinky soul mate are highly unlikely, and that is a void that will be left with you. Is that worth it?

At the very least I would suggest a trial separation before getting a divorce.

What ever you imagine life would be like "on the other side of the fence" it's not going to be as great as you imagine. The ideal would probably be some sort of situation where you could keep your relationship with your wife, and have an outlet on the side, but not behind her back, where you express yourself. Many relationships work where one person is able to compartmentalize this without emotional complications.

Some wives realize they cannot and don't want to be a part of their husband's kinky worlds, period. As long as they realize the husband is NOT going to leave them, NOT going to have sex with another woman and not going to sneak around and NOT going to emotionally cheat on them either, they are ok with it as long as the man comes back and is obviously 100% devoted to her having scratched the "itch." If the husband lays it out for her and gives her ALL the control:

1. You can meet the woman I play with if you want.
2. I can only see pros if you want and never the same one twice. You can visit the dungeon and watch a scene.
3. I can only play via phone or online if you want. You can have my passwords and monitor.
4. I will have monetary transparency over the transactions at all times so you see what is going on
5. Levels of intimacy will be agreed upon in advance and it's up to you to set the limits

Are you, as the husband, willing to start at the very beginning if she says - ok, you can play "online and on the phone only" to start, or "do one of those dungeon sessions maybe 2 times a year only" etc....or what about buying toys and playing online, or any other compromises? In other words, she can set the boundaries and you abide by them.

If you have given all of this a shot already and are really more looking at the risk/reward of starting chapter two of your life, I will tell you that as a femdom in her 40s I come across a lot of men who are doing what you did - starting chapter two, have grown kids who have left the house, they have left their vanilla marriages, and while I don't hear them saying they regret what they did, many say they are lonely.

Akasha

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Post #: 54

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 1:54:06 PM

LookieNoNookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

LadyC I am not recommending therapy for her but for HIM.

She will not make any improvement unless and until it is a priority for her. Perhaps her husband leaving will make it so.

Yep....take away the candy store and amazing things can happen.

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Post #: 55

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 1:55:58 PM

LookieNoNookie

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All great advice!

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Post #: 56

RE: My Dilemma - 8/19/2012 3:55:12 PM

PeonForHer

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Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

She has thyroid issues

I was curious as to why the OP is depression depression depression here but thyroid in PM so didn't bring that up.

I do not think he actually linked thyroid and depression, a lot of people, including docs don't even know that

True again, going on my friend's experience. Frankly, until this thyroid problem is sorted out - properly, by experts, not just newbie medics who don't know their stuff - pretty much everything else is irrelevant.

There is a very, *very* strong link between thyroid problems and depression. First things first. And this thyroid issue is most definitely *first*.

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Post #: 57

RE: My Dilemma - 8/20/2012 1:28:29 AM

gungadin09

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subgtrplayer
The few times in my life that I had a domme friend and we spent time together, it was the greatest physical/sexual/psychic connection in my life... But the guilt of lying and sneaking around and the knowledge that by acting outside of my marriage I was being someone I really didn't want to be was enough to make me be the one to end it, and after a short time, as well.

That's a real pickle, and I sympathize with your predicament. However, you owe it to your wife to try to work this out with her instead of going behind her back. There are a number of options you could try while still remaining married. If she doesn't get on board you'll have to make a choice. If you leave, it's likely you will *not* find someone with that same level of emotional connection. So what's more important to you: great sex or a great emotional connection? Personally, I think I would pick the emotional connection.

Pam

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Post #: 58

RE: My Dilemma - 8/21/2012 9:09:14 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

So the words "for better or worse" and "forsaking all others" means nothing?

If they did, people wouldn't be saying them so readily.

Smart people try not to make that kind of commitment, I figure.

The kind where you stay beyond the point where it's abusive to both parties and as likely to end in blood and tears one day as it is to ever get any better, but which you can't get out of because a number of years worth of crap neither of you can change has left you at a point where keeping your word is more or less the only thing you've got left as a human being, except caring for a person that doesn't exist anymore under the only circumstances you will ever know. The kind where both parties alternate between being too scared at the prospect of living alone to let go and being too enraged to be able to form a coherent sentence to confirm that it is over, let alone be taken seriously if such were to be said. The kind that can be heaven or hell, but rarely something in between.

I've seen some of those, and it has never struck me as a good idea to get into one.

Much more reasonable to get into a free companionship of some sort.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

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Post #: 59

RE: My Dilemma - 8/21/2012 9:28:59 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subgtrplayer

In a way, I am asking for help in performing a Cost Benefit Analysis.

The Cost is well defined. Your marriage, a chunk of your finances, and possibly the relationships you have with your children.

The Benefit is not so clear. I got separated and then divorced because the marriage was destroying both of us. It took me ten years to find a compatible sub. Admittedly, I didn't do it the most effective way, but keep in mind that male Doms looking for female subs have better odds than male subs looking for female Dommes.

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Post #: 60

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