RE: Red Flag attitudes...

RE: Red Flag attitudes... (Full Version)

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littlewonder -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 6:27:41 PM)
sexyred1, the person he quoted.

GotSteel -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 6:37:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC ...dangerously magical thinking... One red flag that's gotten a little exposure on the forums lately....oh hey the OP's talking about the same thread. Getting back to the topic, I've occasionally run into doms that will go on at length with stuff that sounds like it's straight out of online BDSM fiction. I guess what I'm trying to say is people who have gotten their concept of how relationships should work from porn (whether the video or text kind) tend to raise a red flag with me.

NuevaVida -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 8:10:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: And not being a good parent. I'm devoted to my kids, if you aren't equally to yours I have no time for you. What if they don't have kids? Just curious I wondered about that assumption, also. I don't have kids. I think one of the things the Mister watched very carefully was how I treated his daughter. In turn, I observed how he treated her, too. You don't have to be a parent to need your partner to be good to their kids.

SWDesertDom -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 9:19:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Maybe they are that gal we know, the hot chick who always picks lousy abusive guys, or maybe they just play the blame/victim game, but either way, I see it as a real bad omen. This one worries me a lot. What the hell does it say about ME when the woman who always finds herself in horrifically abusive relationship wants something to do with me? I don't think of myself as a monster, you always seem to pick them, why are you picking me?

Thaz -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 11:13:34 PM)
SWDD>> Are you worried about them or about _you_ ? A girl that picks Monsters who picks me is getting a Monster that knows how to play nice. But I grock where you're coming from....some subs are bad news. Wanting to be heavily beaten and/or unprotected sex without knowing you for a long time are my red flags amongst others.

SWDesertDom -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 11:38:05 PM)
I'm worried about what it says about me. Maybe she's finally making a good choice? Maybe I'm putting out the message that I'm a relatively safe choice? But maybe not, maybe I'm putting out the message that people who pick bad people ought to pick me? Kind of hard to tell over a few e-mails.

DaddySatyr -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 11:50:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MercTech The topic on the culture of victim-hood discussion over on the General BDSM section got me thinking. There are some things that, to me, indicate a huge amount of trouble and have me walking carefully away from a submissive. I thought I'd toss out what gives me that kind of uneasy walk away reflex and ask what others see as an indication to vacate the vicinity. Overly compliant, refusal to state an opinion when asked. Face it, no matter how submissive, a person has preferences. Expecting a dominant to be able to read minds is a sure fire recipe for problems. I once had dinner with a person that kept saying "what ever you want" when asked about preferences for a restaurant. You would think that would be a simple thing. And taking someone with a violent allergy to peanuts to a Thai restaurant, they never mentioned an allergy, was a total disaster. Any date that ends in a visit to an Emergency Room constitutes a disaster. First, I'm reminded of my friend, a female dominant that actually once agreed to meet a guy, right outside his abode. I won't go into all the details (including the couch that she described as: "smelling of far too much self-love and far too few personal hygeine sessions) but, by the end of the night, she had to hit him with her mace spray. It was where she developed a mantra that paralells yours: "Any date that ends with mace spray wasn't a success" Now, when she's telling me about a date, as she first starts off, I always ask: "Was there mace, involved?" On a more serious note: I don't know where (other than possibly seriously abuse relationships) ladies -whether they identify as submissive or martian - got the idea that it's better to shut up, go to some restaurant you can't stand and stew about it, privately than to say: "I don't like Outback Steakhouse", when they *have been asked* what their preference would be. This one always leaves me scratching my head, as well. quote: ORIGINAL: MercTech I have no limits. Well, sorry, I DO have limits. And, I need to know where yours are to know if we are compatible for any sort of physical interaction. I may have some dark fantasies that I never plan to act on. But, what I am willing to actually do with a person includes some limits I impose on myself. I'm not much into BDSM activity so this doesn't affect me as much as it may affect some, here but, my usual response is something along the lines of: "Oh, good. I have four friends coming over to watch the JETS game at my house, tomorrow. They'll be happy to hear that you're a three-hole, I'll-take-as-many-guys-as-I-can-get" kinda gal!" quote: ORIGINAL: MercTech I have needs my significant other isn't filling and I'm secretly looking for someone to fulfill them. Nope, not going there. If everyone isn't on board and comfortable with the situation, it is staying platonic. I'm not trying to one up you, here but this is a situation I wouldn't even be in unless the lady had been dishonest with me, previously. *Before* any meeting, I ask for marital/dating status. If the answer is: "I have a husband/boyfriend/whatever but we have 'an understanding' so, it's okay." My response is: "Cool! The *three of us* should meet for coffee and discuss the situation ..." If the subject only comes up when we're face-to-face, she's lied and I'm walking (more often than not; immediately). My real pet peeve is after I've asked the young lady if she's read my profile for the third time and we agree to meet and then "I'm not really into BDSM. I'm more of a D/ser" or (From her): "What do you mean you're polyamorous?" comes up, it's obvious that for all the gripes I hear, ladies don't read profiles all that much more frequently than men do. Peace and comfort, Michael

littlewonder -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 12:49:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SWDesertDom I'm worried about what it says about me. Maybe she's finally making a good choice? Maybe I'm putting out the message that I'm a relatively safe choice? But maybe not, maybe I'm putting out the message that people who pick bad people ought to pick me? Kind of hard to tell over a few e-mails. Looking at your profile, you say you are into diapers and that may translate to some women that you are a daddy dom and you will rescue them from all their bad judgement calls. As a daddy dom, it means to them that you will kiss all their boo boos and make it all better.

littlewonder -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 12:56:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: And not being a good parent. I'm devoted to my kids, if you aren't equally to yours I have no time for you. What if they don't have kids? Just curious I wondered about that assumption, also. I don't have kids. I think one of the things the Mister watched very carefully was how I treated his daughter. In turn, I observed how he treated her, too. You don't have to be a parent to need your partner to be good to their kids. I have never dated men with children because honestly, I have zero desire to care for more children and being that I have one who is 20 now, I didn't want to raise more of them and I like having the option to go and do as I please...well within reason of Master lol. But one of the big deciding factors for me with Master is, did my daughter like him and how did they get along. The first time she met him, they immediately connected and like each other. She felt comfortable with him and they were laughing and joking and she even listened to his advice...she rarely listens to mom's lol. It was really nice to see her ask him questions about stuff because she felt she couldn't ask me. It was endearing. So seeing how they both liked each other so much it was a huge relief and I felt like I had hit the jackpot. [:)] Had they not gotten along or felt comfortable with each other I think our relationship would have ended extremely quick. I didn't want for us to be even more dysfunctional they we already are.

seasnail -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 2:05:54 AM)
No. 1 I say I don't know where I would like to go to dinner because I don't know how much he would like to spend on dinner - so if he would make suggestions I would be able to decide. I guess it's just my old school way of thinking. Mostly because my first question would not be how much money do you make in a year. No. 2 As for limits I do state them right up front. Without any hesitation at all. Even if he is the best looking most sexy guy I have ever seen! Who, would want to do exactly what I do not do. No. 3 I will NOT play around be with or have dinner with a married person or a person who has another, the reason is - I don't play second fiddle and when I want some one I want them all to myself! seasnail

IrishMist -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 4:36:33 AM)
quote: I wondered about that assumption, also. I don't have kids. I think one of the things the Mister watched very carefully was how I treated his daughter. In turn, I observed how he treated her, too. You don't have to be a parent to need your partner to be good to their kids. The reason I asked was because I got the impression from her words that if the person did not have kids, that she would not even consider them. I know quite a few people who do have kids also and they made the decision to never date anyone who also did not have kids. According to them, unless you have 'experienced' kids, then you could never be 'good' with kids. Not something I believe, but there are quite a few people out there who do think like that.

mons -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 4:51:04 AM)
hello op I have been very blessed, I have the "gift" to see through all of the people whom have written to me! I can tell and it only takes a short time whom is a nut and whom is safe! They will always write someone weird and it never fails! I do not give out my address or anything that will lead someone to my home! The red flags are: 1 you want to find out what my twin does and will she be there for you to serve!!!!!! 2 you call me by her name, and you have not meant her, oh I made the mistake of saying her name , this will not happen again 3 you say "your a slave but you wish to be chained 24 hours in a day and 7 days a week, 365 days a year! 4 you say you "must be chain, your an animal and sell you semem to the banks ewwwwwwwwww sucks! 5 you can not and will not eat in public your an animal, you can not be left alone1 6 last but the scary thing is if you not chained you are dangerous so you say I must be chain up , but you will not harm me go and find somewhere where they can help you I am so sleepy wow time for bed oh yes creepy is asking for my address so you can come to "LIVE WITH ME NOW I learn so much in three weeks wow scary as hell mons ( darn I hope I spell it all spell right! :0)

RaspberryLemon -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 5:00:48 AM)
This is sort of off-topic but it reminded me of something: quote: ORIGINAL: MercTech Any date that ends in a visit to an Emergency Room constitutes a disaster. Now that's not necessarily the case! I went on a "date" with my Master where we went up a mountain to watch the transit of Venus... We had a lot of fun; at one point we were climbing around on this rocky slope and I nearly broke my leg, blood everywhere, visible bone, hurt like hell and if it weren't for him having experience with identifying and treating traumatic injuries, I would have ended up in the ER. Except for (and despite) injuring myself, I had a great time and wouldn't have regretted it or considered it a disaster even if I had ended up in the hospital! [:)]

IrishMist -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 5:10:26 AM)
quote: I went on a "date" with my Master where we went up a mountain to watch the transit of Venus... We had a lot of fun; at one point we were climbing around on this rocky slope and I nearly broke my leg, blood everywhere, visible bone, hurt like hell and if it weren't for him having experience with identifying and treating traumatic injuries, I would have ended up in the ER. Except for (and despite) injuring myself, I had a great time and wouldn't have regretted it or considered it a disaster even if I had ended up in the hospital Ok. I have to ask. Visible bone? Blood everywhere? ANd you did NOT go the hospital?

sunshinemiss -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 5:18:45 AM)
For me, red flag attitudes are not accepting responsibility for their part in any past break ups, speaking ill of folks right off the bat, alcoholism/drug addiction (even in recovery), unfair fighting, violence, lack of compassion/empathy, untreated long term mental health issues. The alcoholism / drug addiction recovery thing doesn't automatically knock someone out of the game, but it does mean that I"m going to watch them closer than usual. Because people stop maturing when they start using, I watch to see how far they've progressed in their own psyche since their recovery began. Less than 1 year in recovery? No. Thanks, but I don't want to deal with it. And people with teeth that are covered in plaque. My mouth is going nowhere near that. [:'(]

JeffBC -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 5:49:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana I listen real hard to how they talk about their ex's, and also their family. If they talk trash about everyone they dated, I can be pretty sure that sometime down the road they'll be sitting at another table telling another Dom the same shit about me-I don't have the ego to think I'm special. I look for folks who have or can build stable relations. Folks who offer red signs that indicate otherwise don't tend to get second dates That's certainly my first and most important one also. And to answer sexyred, I don't care that the relationship itself didn't work out. What I'm looking for is how objectively the person viewed the breakup. Was he the spawn of satan and she the innocent damsel in distress? I am SOOOO out of there. After that, CarpeComa's list is all things that I'd flag on. Overly compliant: I don't even know where to start on this one there are so many false assumptions in it. Let's just say that not only am I unconcerned by it, but it would be exactly what I'd be looking for. I like my doormats all nice & doormatty. No Limits: Again, something I'd be looking for.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 5:55:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: Kana I listen real hard to how they talk about their ex's, and also their family. If they talk trash about everyone they dated, I can be pretty sure that sometime down the road they'll be sitting at another table telling another Dom the same shit about me-I don't have the ego to think I'm special. I look for folks who have or can build stable relations. Folks who offer red signs that indicate otherwise don't tend to get second dates That's certainly my first and most important one also. And to answer sexyred, I don't care that the relationship itself didn't work out. What I'm looking for is how objectively the person viewed the breakup. Was he the spawn of satan and she the innocent damsel in distress? I am SOOOO out of there. After that, CarpeComa's list is all things that I'd flag on. Overly compliant: I don't even know where to start on this one there are so many false assumptions in it. Let's just say that not only am I unconcerned by it, but it would be exactly what I'd be looking for. I like my doormats all nice & doormatty. No Limits: Again, something I'd be looking for. (Sometimes it's true though).

tj444 -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 5:55:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr On a more serious note: I don't know where (other than possibly seriously abuse relationships) ladies -whether they identify as submissive or martian - got the idea that it's better to shut up, go to some restaurant you can't stand and stew about it, privately than to say: "I don't like Outback Steakhouse", when they *have been asked* what their preference would be. This one always leaves me scratching my head, as well.[/color] sometimes it just doesnt matter what the female wants.. my ex would eat chicken, I dont eat chicken ever.. there was a chicken joint he liked to go to but apart from the side salad, there was only one thing on the menu that wasnt some form of chicken! And i didnt like that meal much either but I also didnt want to starve.. Needless to say, I considered it a real drag going there for dinner.. but it wasnt my choice and he knew I dont eat chicken, it was one of his fav places... [:'(] And as far as the kid thing mentioned by someone else.. imo, the same thing would go for pets.. how does he treat his (or other people's) pets?

RaspberryLemon -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 6:35:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: I went on a "date" with my Master where we went up a mountain to watch the transit of Venus... We had a lot of fun; at one point we were climbing around on this rocky slope and I nearly broke my leg, blood everywhere, visible bone, hurt like hell and if it weren't for him having experience with identifying and treating traumatic injuries, I would have ended up in the ER. Except for (and despite) injuring myself, I had a great time and wouldn't have regretted it or considered it a disaster even if I had ended up in the hospital Ok. I have to ask. Visible bone? Blood everywhere? And you did NOT go the hospital? Yes. Sounds bad, but it was not broken and he was able to treat it to clean it out, stop the bleeding and stabilize the area. He gave me the choice of whether or not I wanted to get stitches (told me it would heal faster but that it would still heal without them) and I opted out. I did go to the doctor the next day to get checked out and pick up a prescription for antibiotics to prevent infection, but that was all that was necessary at that point. It healed up great, we just had to take care of the wound while it healed and had to be gentle with the area for a while.

IrishMist -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/19/2012 6:41:15 AM)
quote: Yes. Sounds bad, but it was not broken and he was able to treat it to clean it out, stop the bleeding and stabilize the area. He gave me the choice of whether or not I wanted to get stitches (told me it would heal faster but that it would still heal without them) and I opted out. I did go to the doctor the next day to get checked out and pick up a prescription for antibiotics to prevent infection, but that was all that was necessary at that point. It healed up great, we just had to take care of the wound while it healed and had to be gentle with the area for a while. Ok. LOL. Thanks for clarifying. I have a clearer picture in my head now of what kind of injury it could have been. Whew. [&:]

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